Authors: Gill Hasson
Do you need willpower to help you resist something rather than to do something? First, breathe. Breathe mindfully. Focus on your breathing and you can put some space between your impulses and your actions by taking a one-minute time out to engage in some mindful breathing.
Then, remind yourself of your good intentions. This helps to keep you focused on what matters most and can get you through the moments when your impulses try to take over.
Mindfulness can help give you the willpower to break free from even the most difficult habits.
A study at the University of Washington
8
invited smokers who wanted to quit to participate in a study. The aim was to investigate whether mindfulness can help smokers resist cravings.
Each brought with them a pack of cigarettes. Participants were then guided through the basic principles of mindful attention.
They were asked to look at the pack, remove the cellophane then open the pack. They were invited to breathe in and take note of the first smell of the opened pack, to be aware of pulling out a cigarette, holding it, looking at it, and smelling it. To consciously put the cigarette in their mouth, take out a lighter; bring the lighter to the cigarette, but without lighting it. In between each step, the smokers had to take a long pause.
Before, half of the smokers had received brief training in a technique called “surfing the urge”.
It was explained to the smokers that urges always pass eventually, whether or not you give in to them.
When they felt a strong craving, they should imagine the urge as a wave in the ocean. It would build in intensity, but eventually crash and dissolve. The smokers were to imagine themselves riding the wave, not fighting it but also not giving in to it. They were told to pay close attention to the urge to smoke, without trying to change it or get rid of it; to be aware of thoughts that were going through their mind and what the urge physically felt like.
Before the smokers left, they were
not
asked to cut back on cigarettes, and were not even encouraged to use the surfing-the-urge technique in everyday life.
However, they were asked to keep track of how many cigarettes they smoked each day for the following week, along with their daily mood and urges to smoke.
For the first 24 hours, there was no difference in the number of cigarettes smoked by the two groups. But from the second day, the surfing-the-urge group smoked fewer cigarettes.
By day seven, the control group showed no change, but those surfing the urge had cut back 37%.
You don't need to be a smoker or want to give up smoking to learn the lessons from this research.
What the research shows is that rather than give in to urges, simply being aware of unhelpful urges allows you to acknowledge and accept them for just that; unhelpful urges. You do not have to do anything about those urges, you can choose to simply hold them in awareness without getting attached to them. With patience, you can let them pass. You can “surf the urge”.
8
Mindfulness with Others: Listening, Managing Criticism, Forgiving, Persuading and Motivating
Just about every day, most of us interact with other people; people who have different ideas, opinions and needs from ourselves.
For things to run smoothly; there has to be a mutual understanding of what we each mean, feel, need and want; we have to communicate. However, communication is rarely straightforward!
A range of differences between you and other people can create barriers to communication.
No matter how well meaning you are, whether you're trying to tell someone you don't like the way they're behaving, don't agree with them or tell them you want them to do something your way. All too often your good intentions disappear and you can find yourself falling back on all kinds of inappropriate and unhelpful behaviour yourself.
All is not lost! Interactions with other people
can
be handled with confidence and sensitivity.
We will start by learning about mindful listening. This is one of the most direct ways of being mindful. You will see that when you are a mindful listener, you are giving the other person your full attention; you are not distracted by your own thoughts or whatever else is going on around you.
Mindful listening helps to build rapport and empathy, to minimize misunderstandings and confusion; to manage differences and problems between two people.
Mindfulness can help you to develop and maintain good relationships with others.
In this chapter, you will learn mindful ways to win other people round to your way of thinking.
You will also learn how to both give and take criticism and discover how to let go of the resentment, frustration or anger that you feel as a result of someone else's actions.
When was the last time you actually
listened
to what someone was saying? Actually understood what they were telling you and how they felt?
Too often, we don't listen to other people as well as we could or should. It's easy to be distracted by your own thoughts and concerns, the television, computer, your phone, or something else.
You may think you're listening to the other person, but it's often likely that you are not really giving them your full attention. This is where reflective listening comes in. Reflective listening is mindful listening.
With mindful listening, being aware of verbal and non-verbal cues â body language, facial expressions, volume, tone and utterances â is important. But the real cornerstone of mindful listening is reflective listening.
Reflective listening involves reflecting what the other person said but using your own words and phrases. You give your own interpretation and understanding of what the other person said â to confirm you've got the sense and significance.
For example, after the other person had finished speaking you could say: “What I think you're saying is ⦠am I right?” “You think that â¦?” “You feel that â¦?”
This can be quite a challenge; while the other person is speaking, you, the listener, have to keep a mental note of the main points or message.
If you've ever stopped someone and asked for directions, you've probably repeated what the other person has told you. This helps you to focus and allows you and the other person to check that you've got it right. It's a clear example of reflective, mindful listening.
In this situation, if you've misunderstood what the other person is saying, he or she can explain some more.
Although reflective listening
can
be used in a wide range of formal and informal relationships and situations; it would be quite unnatural to reflect and paraphrase
every
time someone spoke to you!
With mindful listening, the aim is to listen
as if
you were going to reflect and paraphrase (whether you do so or not). You do not necessarily have to repeat back, summarize or paraphrase what the other person has said. You simply have to listen
as if
you were going to reflect back.
Reflective listening techniques help you to be mindful because they allow you to completely focus on what the other person is saying. Reflective, mindful listening stops you from being distracted and dissuades you from thinking about what you're going to say next.
Try it: listen to someone speak on the radio for a few minutes â a discussion programme or interview for example. Then, turn the radio off and summarize out loud, in your own words, what the other person said.
You can also practise reflective listening with a friend.
One of you talks for two minutes on one of the subjects below. The other person then uses reflective listening techniques. When the speaker has finished speaking, the listener must summarize what the speaker said and felt.
Your assumptions, emotions, judgements, and beliefs can distort what you hear. Reflective listening can bypass these potential traps.
Because reflective listening requires you to focus, pay attention, accept and acknowledge what the other person is saying, it is intrinsically mindful.
By listening mindfully, you are more likely to notice the gaps in your understanding. You can then ask questions to clarify your understanding.
Reflective, mindful listening makes it more likely you'll ask the right questions at the right time.
Keep in the moment â be sure to give the other person enough time to respond. He or she may need to think before they answer, so don't interpret a pause as an opportunity for you to take over the conversation. Allow silences to keep you both in the moment. Give a person time to think as well as talk!
Non-verbal communication conveys a person's true feelings and intentions in any given moment. Every shift in a person's inner emotions is communicated through their non-verbal behaviour and this happens in the present.
Be aware whether what someone says matches or is at odds with their non-verbal behaviour.
Be careful though not to interpret one non-verbal signal in isolation from others.
A single intuition signal isn't as reliable as a combination of intuitive signals when it comes to body language, nor is a single gesture or facial expression. Instead, look for a number of verbal and non-verbal communications and actions that occur close together and seem to be “saying” the same thing.
A combination of non-verbal communications is a more reliable indication of meaning than one or two signals in isolation. So be mindful! If you allow yourself to get distracted in any way you may miss crucial non-verbal signs that convey what the other person is really thinking or feeling.
For many of us, when we're criticized, it's hard not to react instantly; to deny everything, blame someone else, counter attack or storm off in a sulk.
Everything happens so fast that one or both of you loses control and you find yourself unable to listen objectively to the other person's remarks, calmly appraise them, and respond accordingly.
Of course, your response to criticism is dependent on a number of factors, including who is criticizing and why. But whatever and who ever, there is a mindful way to handle criticism.
A criticism gives you an opportunity to practise mindful, reflective listening
; an effective technique that helps stop the situation running away from you both.
So, resist the urge to interrupt or defend yourself or do any of those other things that get in the way of really listening. At this moment, you simply need to understand what the other person is saying; what, exactly, he or she is criticizing you about.
Before you respond to the accusation, check what it is you think the other person has accused you of and what they are feeling. For example; “You're saying that I've not done what I promised I'd do?” or “So you're embarrassed about what I said to Fred?” Take time to recognize the feelings of the critic and you set the space up for a better understanding between you.
If you're still not clear, ask questions to make sure you understand what it is that has made the other person criticize you. For example “I just need to be clear; do you think I did it deliberately?”
Once you're clear what the criticism is and why the other person is criticizing you, take a moment (breathe!) to think about how you feel, and how you are going to respond.
Learn how to sit with the discomfort of an initial emotional reaction
instead of immediately acting or reacting.
You might want to refute what the other person has said. Maybe you agree fully or partly with him or her. Whatever it is, say it. For example; “I know that you're disappointed and you think I've ignored what you asked me to do, but I do not agree that ⦔. Give evidence (not excuses) for your point of view.
If you cannot respond immediately, make an appointment to see that person, phone them up or email them. Start by saying you understand they're not happy or they're upset about something you've done and could they explain.
What if you've received a criticism and you haven't had an opportunity to respond to the other person? Perhaps the other person has criticized you by phone and then hung up, or someone else has passed on a criticism from someone else.
Don't turn it over and over in your mind.
The more time you spend dwelling on what someone said, the less time you have to do something constructive with it.
Writing down how you feel can really help. Once you've expressed your thoughts on paper you will literally be able to observe those thoughts.
Keep it in the present â do not defend yourself by bringing up offences the other person may have committed in the past. Focus solely on the other person's grievance. (Once you've resolved this situation â
then
you can say “Now that we've sorted that out, I'd like to talk about ⦔.)
Listen to the other person's response and continue the process; listening, acknowledging and responding.
If you can resolve the situation, all well and good. But if not, learn when to draw a line and agree to disagree.
Criticism opens you up to new perspectives
and new ideas that you may not have considered before. It's not easy to take an honest look at yourself and your weaknesses. Again,
learn how to sit with the discomfort of an initial emotional reaction
instead of immediately acting or reacting.
You might disagree with the other person. Fine. But is there something to be learnt from the situation, now, in the present moment?
Get things into perspective; does it really matter that your partner thinks you load the dishwasher all “wrong”? You can't please all the people all the time; it can be liberating to let people think whatever they want â they're going to do it anyway. Accept it. Then let it go!
Receiving criticism is the hard part, right? Giving criticism is easy.
Actually, no.
Giving someone criticism in a clear, calm and honest way is rarely easy.
Some people confront the problem head on. Others hold back their criticism; they don't want to cause any unpleasantness but, instead, build resentment with all that's been unsaid.
Of course the other person may react badly to criticism, but this doesn't mean that you should shy away from what you want to say. There are two key steps you should go through when you find yourself in this position:
For example, imagine you are annoyed with Anya; in a meeting at work this morning, she ridiculed Fred for finding it difficult to explain how he planned to implement a new strategy.
Why are you going to criticize Anya? What's your intention? Do you just want to get it off your chest so that you can feel better? Do you want to humiliate her in the same way that she humiliated Fred? Or maybe you are intending to be more constructive than that; you want to make her aware of how hurt Fred is and suggest she apologizes to Fred.
An old Arab proverb suggests three gates you should be able to pass through before you open your mouth to speak: Is it necessary? Is it kind? Is it true?
Your criticism should be able to pass through at least two of these gates. So, telling Anya that she's a self-centred bitch might be true, but it will never pass the “necessary” or “kind” gates!
The following tips can help you pass through these three gates smoothly and ensure that when you need to give criticism, you do so in a calm and honest way.
Do you have to say something immediately, or can it wait until the other person is more likely to listen to you? If you can, choose the time and the place. Although it is best to say something immediately, it may not be appropriate â particularly if there are other people around. Give criticism to the other person directly, and if at all possible, face to face. But never on Facebook! Show respect.
Although you may have to wait for an appropriate time and place, don't let things build up to such an extent that they just get worse. Tackle it as soon as possible. The consequence of ignoring the other person's behaviour will just be detrimental to you both.
If you have more than one issue, focus on one problem at a time and deal with the most important issue first.
Keep it in the present. Don't bring up past misdemeanors or allow yourself to be dragged into other issues by the other person either.
This is not an opportunity to dissect the other person's every mistake and character flaw for the past two years. Focus on your specific concern and keep it brief â avoid going on and on long after you have made your point.
Do not tell the other person “
You
do this and
you
do that”. “You” messages label the other person in a negative way.
Instead, use “I” statements. So, instead of saying to your friend “You need to stop laughing at people when they make a mistake” say “I didn't like it when you laughed at Fred when he made a mistake”.
Are you jealous, angry, upset? Say so. Don't be afraid to tell the other person how you feel: “I was upset/embarrassed/furious when ⦔.
Listen mindfully. Do not interrupt; there is a chance the other person may give you some information that you didn't know and which changes your view. Check this by repeating what they say, “Have I got this right? You're saying that ⦔.
If the other person doesn't do what you want, what will you do? This doesn't mean issuing threats or punishments. It means deciding what your next step will be. You have a choice: you can either stick to what you want and decide what will happen if you don't get it. Or, you can negotiate or compromise. Or you can rest assured that you have made your point, accept that the other person does not agree; let go and move on.
*****