Mine To Take (Nine Circles) (41 page)

She didn’t want to stand over him anymore because the absolution he sought couldn’t be given by her. So she knelt right in front of him, staring into his eyes. “You can. I don’t care how rotten you think you are. How irredeemable. I see a man whose whole life has been about protecting other people. Caring for other people. Taking so much responsibility he’s almost been crushed by the weight of it. And you did it the only way you knew how.”

“Fuck, don’t say those things, I don’t—”

She put a finger across his mouth. “You think you don’t deserve it? You do. Forgive yourself. And let your anger go.”

*   *   *

The understanding in her blue eyes nearly broke him apart. It couldn’t be that simple. Surely it couldn’t. How could he forgive himself for his entire existence?

“It’s not your fault,” Honor said quietly. “It’s not your fault your mother got hurt. The choices she made, the life she lived, is not your fault.”

But he knew that, didn’t he? Of course he did.

Do you? Do you really?

He couldn’t breathe all of a sudden.

For the last thirty-five years of his life, he’d taken responsibility. For himself. For his mother’s rape. For the whole reason he was even born in the first place. Because her crappy life was his fault. Because he’d been born.

“How could it not be my fault?” His voice didn’t sound like his own. “All of it is my fault.”

“No.” Honor cupped his face in her hands, the warmth of her touch searing him. Melting away the ice around his heart. “You were a child, Gabriel. You weren’t responsible for anything. Your mother made her own choices. You can’t take them on yourself, too.”

No. He couldn’t. Just like he didn’t have to take on the anger either.

And it turned out it was that simple. To let it all go and let something else take its place. A strange, desperate emotion he’d been trying not to feel for a long time. An emotion he thought he wasn’t capable of. An emotion he thought he never deserved.

Until now.

Gabriel gripped her wrists, her skin smooth against his fingers. “I love you,” he said helplessly, unable to keep it inside any longer. He’d hadn’t said those words to another soul in years, not since the last time he’d said them to his mother, when he was seven years old. “I love you, Honor St. James.”

There were tears in her blue eyes and he couldn’t stop himself from bending to kiss them away. She trembled and then suddenly buried her face in his chest, her arms coming around him the way they had in his apartment, after he’d told her everything. A way he’d never stopped dreaming of, hoping for again.

“Does this mean you’re going to stay?” she murmured, her voice muffled against his leather jacket.

He wrapped his arms around her in return, holding her close. “I told you, I’m going to spend the rest of my life protecting you.”

“That doesn’t mean…” She broke off.

Gently he gripped her chin, tipped her head back so he could see her face, his heart beating strangely fast. “What do you want it to mean?”

Her blue eyes glowed in her pale face. “I don’t want you protecting me, Gabriel. I want you loving me. And I want it forever.”

That was his Honor. Strong. Demanding. Challenging. His chest ached but this time he welcomed the pain. “Then that’s what you’ll have. Because I’m not going anywhere.”

Honor reached up, slid her fingers into his hair, and brought his head down for another kiss that was sweeter than any others he’d ever had. “Oh, and I want a vest with ‘Property of Church’ written on it,” she murmured against his mouth.

He smiled, his arms tightening around her. “I’ll get one made especially for you.”

“What about you? What do you want?”

Her body was warm and soft and everything he’d ever wanted. “Right now? You, naked, on the floor.”

Her mouth curved. “Yes, of course. But after that.”

“What do you think? I want you to love me. That’s all I want.”

Honor’s eyes glittered as they met his. “Ah, well, that I can do.”

And she did.

EPILOGUE

Alex’s blond bodyguard wasn’t waiting outside his door this time so Gabriel walked right in. Alex was sprawled on the couch, a console game controller in his hands, his attention on the massive flat-screen TV on the wall opposite him.

Standing near the couch, also holding a controller, was his bodyguard.

“Fuck,” Alex muttered as his character on the screen was dealt a flying roundhouse kick. “I can’t believe this is the first time you’ve played this.”

“Your reflexes are too slow,” the Russian woman said, administering the death blow to Alex’s character on screen. “You need more sleep, sir.”

“Katya mine, sleep is for the very young and very old. As I am neither, I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”

“Which appears to be now.” She put down the controller as Alex’s character expired on the screen, and turned. “I shall give you some privacy?”

Alex threw the controller negligently back on the couch. “Yeah, you’d better. Go check the perimeter or something.”

The woman moved past Gabriel, her strong features absolutely impassive.

“What are you doing here?” Alex demanded as the door shut behind the bodyguard. He didn’t look at him, his attention still firmly on the TV screen. “I thought the ‘fuck off’ text I sent you was clear enough.”

Gabriel folded his arms, mainly to stop himself from going over to where his friend lay and dealing him a punch to the face. Because the guy’s fucking attitude could use some readjustment.

Honor had told him she’d texted Alex to say she was ready to talk to him if he wanted and the prick still hadn’t replied to her.

“I want to talk to you about the casino,” he said shortly.

Instantly the scowl on Alex’s face vanished, his features an expressionless mask. But Gabriel could see the tension in the other man’s body. Taut as a coiled spring.

“Lucky you,” Alex said still in the same tone, but this time with a slightly bitter edge to it. “So is that why you’re here? You’re going to tell me all about it? Because if you are, you can fuck off right now.”

Gabriel didn’t say anything. Instead he walked over to the table and dropped something on it.

Two silver dice, the diamond sparkling in the center of the one.

“What the hell is that?” Alex demanded.

“Guy Tremain gave them to me before he was shot. It’s an invitation.”

“An invitation to what?”

“To find out what’s behind the casino. Or rather, who.”

Alex’s blue gaze was sharp. “You don’t want it?”

“I’m not in the justice game anymore. I have other, more important things to worry about.” Like taking Honor out of the city for a while. Up to his lodge, in the snow. Where he could keep her safe and they could be together, forget about all of this mess for a while.

“So? Why are you giving it to me?”

“Because I thought you might want to do some investigating of your own.”

His friend came to his feet in a sudden blur of movement, his blue eyes glowing with what looked like anger. “Why the hell would you think that?”

But Gabriel was already turning around, walking toward the door. “If you don’t want it, give it to Zac or Eva. They’re more than happy to continue searching. But your sister is more important to me than all that shit. I’ll be around to help if you need it but that’s it.”

Alex didn’t say a word but as Gabriel strode through the door, his gaze dropped to the dice.

He stared at them for a long moment.

Then he picked them up.

Read on for an excerpt from

MAKE YOU MINE

the next sensational romance from Jackie Ashenden.

Coming soon from St. Martin’s Paperbacks

She didn’t respond, her shoulders stiff with tension. Her gaze shifted so she was looking out of the window behind him. “What do you want from me?”

Alex drained the shot glass and put it back on the coffee table then settled back against the couch cushions.

Looking at her, so tall and straight and immovable, the idea that had occurred to him in the limo now seemed ridiculous. He’d decided that if he was going to fucking Monte Carlo, he wasn’t going alone. But he also didn’t want his back-up/protection to be obvious because that was a weakness he wasn’t ready to reveal to anyone, let alone Conrad South.

Katya hanging around in her black suit and shades, looking her usual lethal best would betray the fact that he was afraid.

Katya hanging around in a gown and high heels, with his arm around her waist, now that was different. She could be a stand-in for his latest lover and no one would question it. People might recognize her as his bodyguard, it was true, but once she was wearing a gown and some flashy jewelry no one would care. They’d probably even think the whole bodyguard thing was a fake, especially if they were observed in public being physical with one another.

Of course he didn’t have to take a bodyguard at all, but Zac had been insistent on him keeping some backup. That whoever had targeted Tremain was still out there and Alex could very well be in the firing line. Well, he was fine with that—as long as said backup was done his way.

He tilted his head, surveying her. With her height she’d be able to carry any kind of gown off beautifully and he was sure there were curves under that severe black suit of hers. She was fair too which meant her skin would be pale, no perma-tan for his Russian ice-princess, that was for sure. With her green eyes and blonde hair she’d look amazing in a green gown. Or blue. Or white …

His gaze settled on her throat. Her shirt was buttoned all the way to the top, the jacket she wore over the top obscuring her shape. Not even an inch of skin beneath that collar was visible.

Abruptly he got up off the couch and prowled over to where she stood. She blinked as he came closer, a crease forming between her brows. “You haven’t answered my question, sir.”

“No, I know I haven’t. I want to see something first.” He stopped right in front of her.

“See what?”

His heart was beating rather faster than normal, which was strange. And he was aware of her scent all of a sudden. Not perfume because she never wore perfume, but the fresh scent of apples, her shampoo maybe or soap. He liked it.

He lifted a hand and before she could move, undid the buttons that held her suit jacket closed.

“Sir, I—”

“Keep still. I need to see something.”

Her frown deepened as her jacket fell open but she did as she was told, the perfect soldier.

He leaned back, running his gaze over her, and yes, he was right, there were definite curves there. The white cotton of her shirt pulled tight over full breasts, the hem tucked into her black pants revealing narrow hips. Long legs too, which made her very definitely his type. At least enough to fool the press and anyone else who happened to see them together.

“What are you doing, sir?”

“One second.”

Alex quickly flicked open the first couple of buttons at her throat.

She took a startled breath, the sound sharp in the silence of the room. He glanced up at her face and for the first time since he’d met her, he read shock clear in her eyes. Shock that quickly gave way to confusion. But she didn’t say anything so he didn’t stop, undoing one more button, the fabric parting to reveal smooth, white skin.

Beautiful. Perhaps this would work after all.

His heartbeat sounded even louder in his head and though there was no reason at all to touch her, he couldn’t help himself, gently laying a finger on the pulse at the base of her throat. Her skin felt warm and that pulse was beating fast. As fast as his.

She’d gone very, very still but he felt her swallow, felt her pulse beat even faster.

The air around them had thickened, becoming dense with tension.

“Sir.…” Her voice was soft but he could hear a faint, husky edge in it. The kind of edge a woman’s voice always held when she was aroused.

Interesting. No, scratch interesting. This was downright fucking intriguing.

“Keep still a moment. I’m testing something.” He moved his finger, unable to resist the temptation, stroking her and watching as goose-bumps rippled over her skin in response.

Ah, yes, so there was chemistry between them, and pretty damn strong chemistry. Excellent. Sexual chemistry would make everything much more convincing.

Katya moved, taking a quick step back, leaving him standing there stroking empty air. She didn’t adjust her clothing but a faint strip of color stained her high cheekbones. “I think you’re mistaking me for someone else, sir,” she said, her voice not quite level. “If you wanted a companion, I’m quite sure you could find another woman more suited to the job than I am.”

He lowered his hand, the warmth of her still glowing on his fingertip. “There are no other women more suited to the job than you are, Katya.”

“I’m not going to—”

“Let me tell you which job I mean first, before you jump to any wild conclusions.”

Her mouth snapped shut, her shoulders straightening.

His own heartbeat continued to beat like a drum. Christ, he was almost on the point of getting hard, which was weird because these days it took a lot more than the brush of a woman’s skin to get him there. It must be the vodka, surely.

Alex ignored the feeling, turning away and strolling back to the couch, sprawling down on it again. “Like I said, I am going to need you at this Monte Carlo game. But this time the job will be a little different to what you’re used to.”

“How different?”

He met her green gaze. Held it. “I don’t want people thinking you’re my bodyguard, Katya mine. I want people thinking you’re my lover.”

*   *   *

At first she couldn’t quite understand what he meant because she was still finding it difficult to breathe let alone listen to what he was saying. Her throat burned where he’d touched her, in fact she could have sworn she’d felt the outline of his fingerprint on her skin. Each whorl and each ridge. Like a fingerprint lock keyed to a particular person.

He’s unlocking you …

Katya blinked, trying to orient herself. She was breathing fast, like after a very hard workout and her heart rate was up. Way up. There was also a curious tightness to her skin and an adrenaline spike that had raced through her system the moment he touched her then settled right down low in her abdomen, a pulsing ache that her body knew even if her brain refused to process it.