Miriam's Secret (28 page)

O
n that same Thursday evening in Possum Valley, Ivan shifted on his buggy seat. He'd parked in the Swartz driveway moments ago, and Laura should have climbed out by now. Instead she was sitting beside him still chattering away.

“We raked the lawn this afternoon—
Mamm
and I did, along with my younger sisters. And the garden too, although that was weeded by hand, not raked.
Mamm
said something must be done about how things look around the place. We bring in
Englisha
people to buy things from the garden all the time, and things have to appear decent. Not that this would make the produce any better, of course, but for appearance's sake.
Englisha
people are that way,
Mamm
says. They place a lot of stock in how things look. Which isn't right, but that's how things are.” She reached over to take Ivan's hand in hers. “But all is right in our world, Ivan, isn't it?” Laura didn't wait for an answer. “I'm so thankful the Lord has given us all these
gut
things to enjoy.
Sure we don't always have the nice things the
Englisha
enjoy, but we have made the better choice. That's what I tell myself often.”

Laura leaned her head against Ivan's shoulder. “Even today I thought about what might lie ahead of us…you and me. We too can have the Lord's blessing, Ivan. I just know it. In our future there's a little farm somewhere…someday! I know I haven't been seeing you for very long, so forgive my forward thoughts, but I can't help myself. There's so much about you that's better than any other man I've ever dated. You're decent. You're hardworking. You have that excellent job at Beachy's. And you're handsome!” Laura laughed. “Anyone would have to be blind not to see it. And I'm certainly not blind. I have my faults, yes, but when it comes to men, I know what I see. And I'm so thankful that you've chosen me, Ivan. So very thankful. I'm going to be the dream of your life and a blessing to you for all your days.”

She wants something from me tonight
, Ivan thought. And he didn't have to guess to know what it was. Laura didn't know about the letter he'd written to Miriam, but she must sense his uneasiness despite his efforts all evening to hide his feelings. Whenever he looked at her, Laura's smile had pierced his confidence in the rightness of his actions. Confound the woman! Ivan told himself. Why is this so difficult?

“What's wrong, Ivan? You haven't heard a word I said.” Laura's fingers traced his face in the dimness of the buggy lights. “Don't you like being with me anymore?”

“Of course I do!” he protested. “But shouldn't you go in now? This isn't a Sunday night when we have our regular date time. And I'll see you then, you know.”

She moved closer. “You're with me right now, and I'm not in a hurry to leave.”

Laura would kiss him tonight again, Ivan thought. And
Amish girls didn't give away kisses without a reason. Ivan let go of the reins. Laura lifted her face toward him. He took his time, and her hands held him close. He finally pulled back to gaze into her eyes. “You are the sweetest thing, Laura.”

A happy sigh escaped her. “I'm so glad you like me. Can you come inside for a moment now? We still have food in the pantry, I'm sure.”

He laughed. “Your kisses are all I need, Laura.”

“I know that's not true, Ivan.” Her fingers traced his face again. “You still haven't told me what's wrong.”

His laugh died in his throat. He choked out, “It's nothing you can help with.”

“Tell me, please,” she insisted.

“Just money problems.” He took a stab at an answer. Perhaps that would throw her off track. And it was, in part, true. Miriam's farm was like money in the bank.

She appeared skeptical. “You shouldn't have any money problems. You have a
gut
job at Beachy's. You're not wasting your money, are you?”

A wild thought raced through his head. Maybe if he played it right, Laura wouldn't want to marry him. What Amish girl wanted a man who couldn't manage money? If Laura cut off their relationship, he'd have the issue decided without being the bad guy. But then she'd be gone forever. And if Miriam didn't return to him, he'd have lost Laura. Ivan gripped the reins in both hands.
Nee
, he didn't want to lose Laura unless he was certain about Miriam.

Laura cleared her throat. “You're probably just worried about what will happen after marriage. How you'll support a family. Or maybe you think I'll spend all your money. Is that it, Ivan?”

He chuckled. “No, Laura, it's not you. I know you're
wunderbah
. What woman could kiss like you can and not be a
gut frau
for any man? I just can't give you what you deserve, that's what's wrong.” There, he had said something close enough to the truth to get by.

“Ivan, are you still thinking about Miriam?”

Laura's voice broke through his thoughts with a jolt. Thankfully it was dark, and she couldn't see his face very well. With quick effort Ivan pasted on a grin. “How could I think of her with you around?”

Laura stared off into the darkness. “You know she's not right for you, Ivan. I wish you'd forget about Miriam Yoder.”

“Who says I haven't?” Ivan worked to keep his voice steady.

Laura didn't move on the seat beside him for a long time. “Okay. Let's just leave Miriam out of it then. I don't want to think about her either. You did choose me over her…didn't you? Why would you want to go back now? Is it because you used to love her before you loved me? Or is it because she now owns a farm in the free and clear?”

“Laura, please.” His voice trembled.

Her fingers found his hand again. “I can't help it, Ivan. I think these things, especially when your heart drifts away from me. I can tell, you know. Women can.”

“Why would I kiss you if I didn't love you?” Ivan didn't wait before he added. “You're the sweetest thing, Laura. I wasn't lying about that.”

“Did you ever kiss her?”

He looked down, and her face was lifted toward his. “Of course not!” The words burst out of him. “We never even dated.”

“There are such things as stealing kisses behind buggies and barns.” She still looked up at him.

Ivan snorted. “Miriam Yoder stealing kisses? I don't think so!”

“Maybe that's it.” Laura's fingers tightened on his. “Miriam is more proper, and decent, and all that. She doesn't have to kiss you to gain your affections.”

“Laura, don't go there.” Ivan's voice rose a notch. “Forget Miriam. Are you not the one I asked home from the hymn singing?”

“
Yah
.” Laura didn't sound convinced. “And I'm glad you did. So let's forget about Miriam and money and stolen kisses. Let's go inside. I'll find some pie, I'm sure.”

He shook his head. “We shouldn't on a week night. Your parents will think I can't wait to marry you.”

Her face fell. “Well, can you?”

“Please.” He tried again. “That's not what I meant at all, Laura. I want your parents to think well of me—as a future son-in-law. They'd already wonder if they knew I kissed you so often.”

A smile crept across her face. “I can tell them I'm to blame for that.”

He squeezed her hand. “Don't tell them, Laura. Let's keep it our secret.”

“You're a decent man, and they know that.” Her smile had broadened. “I'm glad you kissed me. I love you, Ivan.”

“And I love you.” He held her hand until she climbed out of the buggy.

“At least walk me to the door,” she pleaded.

“I'd like that.” He climbed down from the buggy and gave the reins a quick twist around the hitching post.

Laura took his hand. Together they walked up to the front porch. She paused to look up at him. “Good night, Ivan. I've enjoyed being with you tonight. I always do.”

He didn't answer but pulled her close.

She clung to him until he let go again.

“That's a proper good night,” he whispered in her ear.

Laura giggled and disappeared inside.

He'd handled things well tonight, Ivan thought. He strode back to the buggy at a brisk pace, undid the reins from the hitching post, and climbed back into the buggy. He glanced up at Laura's bedroom window.
Yah
, she was watching him leave, just as he knew she would. The thought sent warm circles around his heart. That woman was certainly sweet and pretty. He was a fool not to ask her to be his
frau
. His letter to Miriam was a foolish move on his part. Ivan stared off into the darkness. What if Miriam wrote him back? What if she accepted his attention? But Miriam wouldn't, Ivan comforted himself. Neither would she reveal his letter to anyone or expose him. She wasn't like that. And if she did, there was a logical explanation. He could say he'd been heartbroken over her sudden departure.

What a fool he was, Ivan told himself. Somehow he had to straighten out this matter. But how? Well, he could pray, he supposed, like his people usually did about such matters. But that seemed wrong because the love of money had crept into his heart. He might as well be honest, he reminded himself. And the Lord had already said lots of things about the love of money. The preachers mentioned this sin often in their Sunday sermons. They spoke of sorrows that pierced the heart and left only ashes in one's hand. He should have known better than to base his pursuit of Miriam on her farm, and yet he hadn't seemed able to help himself. “And what man could?” Ivan spoke aloud into the darkness.

His horse pricked up his ears as if he'd heard. He whinnied long and hard. Ivan shivered in the buggy. There was no way horses could understand words, but he'd better not say such thoughts aloud again—even if only Billy was around to hear. Somehow he'd find his way through this. The resolution might
come when Miriam refused to answer his letter. She was much too decent a girl to fall for his words anyway. He was confident of that. He relaxed as he drove into the night. He had nothing to worry about. He'd soon forget about Miriam's farm, like he should have earlier. He could look forward to Laura's kisses on Sunday evening. There would be plenty of those, he was sure.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

S
aturday morning Miriam was rocking baby Jonathon in the Byler living room. He'd been colicky all night, and from the look on her face, Aunt Fannie was exhausted

“Why didn't you call me?” Miriam scolded. “I'd have walked the floor with him.”

Aunt Fannie glowed in spite of her weariness. “He needed his
mamm,
but thanks for the offer. I'm sure there will be other times when I'll be only too happy to have you or Shirley take over. You both are really
gut
with him.”

“That's nice of you to say.” Miriam allowed the praise to sink in. She was glad they could help.

Aunt Fannie stood. “I do believe I'll try to catch a nap. You seem to have things under control. Oh, and by the way, later this morning there will be a surprise.”

Shirley appeared in the kitchen doorway. “A surprise? Oh, do tell us now! You know how I am with surprises.”

Aunt Fannie chuckled and disappeared into the bedroom without another word.

Shirley shrugged and returned to the breakfast dishes. Miriam settled into the rocker with baby Jonathon. Uncle William had gone out to open the greenhouse right after breakfast, and Wayne's buggy had driven in an hour ago. Perhaps there would be a chance to speak to him later, Miriam hoped. The glow of the youth gathering on Thursday night still hung over her and explained her new openness to Wayne. She would be cautious, though. After all, this initial happiness would no doubt wear off before long, maybe even tomorrow when she would see everyone at the community service. Then her emotions might plunge like a rock. Besides, she'd probably imagined half the stuff at the youth gathering anyway—so many cheerful conversations and the kind acceptance from everyone.

Then there was Shirley's reaction to the evening. If Miriam had imagined all those
gut
things, why had Shirley seemed so down all evening? Only on the way home had she seemed the least bit cheerful. Miriam stopped the rocker as baby Jonathon squiggled in her arms. She transferred the babe to a blanket on the floor in a corner of the room and slipped another blanket over him. He soon settled into sleep, and Miriam walked to the window to gaze out across the lawn. She needed space to think. Had Shirley's sudden cheerfulness on the way home been put on for her benefit? This was a startling thought and seemed unlikely, but what other explanation was there?