Misbehaving (23 page)

The fluttering stopped. When I realized how I had won this battle, it took away all the joy. He had originally chosen her. He hadn’t wanted to hurt her, but he’d been okay hurting me.

“I won’t go with Dewayne. Take her to the cotillion. It’s what you originally wanted to do. I played dirty, and I shouldn’t have,” I said, shifting to move off his lap. I needed some space.

Jason grabbed my waist and held me there. “It’s not what I wanted to do,” he said. “It’s what was right. She didn’t deserve to be ditched at the last minute.”

He still didn’t get it. I nodded. “Take her. You don’t want to hurt her.”

I could feel him studying me, but I wouldn’t look at him. I just wanted to go home and lock myself in my room. I could cry then and no one would see me. “I don’t like hurting people in general,” he said slowly, as if he was trying to figure out the meaning behind my words.

“I know. You’re a better person than I am. Actually, than most people I know. You’re thoughtful and kind. It’s one of the things that I find so insanely attractive about you.”

Jason moved his thumbs so that they brushed my stomach in a gentle caress. “Then why won’t you look at me?” he asked.

Because you didn’t choose me first.
Those words sounded shallow, yet they kept repeating in my head. I wish it wasn’t important to me. I wish my self-esteem was better and that kind of thing wasn’t a weakness of mine.

“This morning has been intense, and I just want to go back to sleep,” I told him, forcing myself to look at him so he wouldn’t push that issue.

Jason reached up and took my chin between his thumb and forefinger so I couldn’t look away. “You aren’t telling me something.” He sounded frustrated.

“I don’t want to talk about it. I’ll be okay. Just give me some time to deal with my own insecurities. I’m working on them,” I explained, trying to sound flippant.

“I never want to make you feel insecure. If I have to dedicate my life to making sure you know where you stand with me, I will. So don’t give me that shit. If you have something to deal with, tell me. I’ll fix it.”

He couldn’t fix this. He didn’t realize that it had already been done. His immediate impulse was to protect Johanna. Not me.

I wondered if he had loved her. If he had ever told her he loved her. I loved him, but he hadn’t told me he loved me. Maybe that was it. He didn’t love me but he had loved her. She had that hold on him. I started to move again, wanting to get away from him, but he continued to hold me still.

“Talk to me, Jess. Please,” he begged.

“You had to choose, and you chose her. When pressed for an answer, you chose her feelings over mine. Nothing that happened after that matters. Because it was after I manipulated you.” I stopped and looked out the window because I couldn’t stand looking at him while I admitted this. “I wanted to be your fist choice, so I forced you to pick me. It was wrong. I don’t want you to put me first because I use your jealousy against you. I want you to think of me first because it’s the way you feel. I’m tired of trying to be someone’s first choice. I’ve done that, and I’m exhausted. I won’t do it anymore. I just won’t.” Jason’s grip on me loosened, and I used that opportunity to get off his lap and put some space between us. I didn’t look back at him, and I didn’t say anything else.

He had wanted me to talk, and now that I had he had nothing to say. I wished I could reach the button so I could let the driver know to take me home. I wanted out of this car. I wanted to run until I couldn’t run anymore.

“I didn’t realize it hurt you. You acted like it wasn’t a big deal,” he said in a pained voice.

“Really? That’s what you’re going with?” I asked angrily. “If I were to go to a dance with a guy friend because I had promised him I would and you knew his hands would be touching me while we danced, just how would you feel? Would you be okay with that?”

He didn’t reply. I knew he couldn’t honestly tell me he would be fine with it. When I had thrown it back in his face, he had cracked. So how could he say that he didn’t think it would bother me?

“You’re right. I didn’t think,” he said. “My first thought should have been to protect you and your feelings. I’m so sorry, Jess. I’m not good at this. I don’t do relationships, and I obviously suck at it.” He sounded so defeated.

I couldn’t stay mad at him. It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t love me. He cared, and that was all I would ever get from him. I knew that already. I was expecting him to react the way a man in love would. He couldn’t.

“It’s okay,” I said, turning to look at him. “I was expecting too much. I’m sorry.”

Jason’s frown only deepened. “Don’t apologize. This is all me. You deserve better than the way I treated you this morning. But if there is any way you can forgive me, I swear I’ll be better. I’ll figure this relationship thing out and get it right.”

He was willing to try, which counted for something. He still didn’t get that his first instinct should have been to choose me. But then, he wasn’t in love, so that wouldn’t be what he first thought of. I wasn’t looking for someone who would put me first, I was looking for someone to love me.

The realization was sad and pathetic. I had let this thing with Jason mean too much. I didn’t want to lose what little time I had with him until a Johanna came into his life and he fell head over heels in love with her and I was forgotten.

“Okay,” I said, fighting back the emotions that the thought of losing him stirred up.

“Okay?” he repeated. “I’m forgiven, okay? Or you’ll think about it, okay?” he asked.

“You’re forgiven,” I replied.

He let out a sigh of relief and bent his head to capture my mouth with his. I closed off all other thoughts and enjoyed him. Enjoyed this thing we had that I had let myself believe could be more. I accepted what was real and kissed him back, knowing I was going to need every memory I could make with him to keep me warm one day.

When her body melted against mine, I felt like I could take a deep breath again. I had been so damn scared. The hurt look in her eyes was going to haunt me for fucking weeks. I had to come up with a way to prove to her how important she was to me. Until then, I needed to reassure myself that she wasn’t about to walk out of my life in search of that guy who puts her first.

The unknown guy only made me more desperate. I lay her back on the seat, pushed my shirt that she was wearing up, and slid my hands under her tank top until her breast filled my hand. Her soft moan was so damn sweet. “I want you naked,” I told her, and she leaned up so I could pull the shirt and tank off of her.

“I swear, Jess, your tits get more perfect every damn time I see them.”

Her nipples hardened from my praise. “Those things you were thinking of to wake me this morning,” she said, smiling up at me. “Why don’t you show me?”

I pulled a nipple into my mouth and sucked hard until she grabbed my head and cried out. When I let it go, she was panting and her cheeks were flushed. “I’ll have to take these sweats off in order to show you, because when I was talking about how you tasted I had a specific area in mind.”

Her mouth formed a small O and she trembled underneath me. I was about to show her just how important her happiness was to me. Over and over again.

Mondays had never been my favorite day of the week, but now I hated them. After spending my weekends with Jason, facing Monday was hard. Especially knowing he had gone back to a world with Johanna in it. I didn’t want to be jealous of her, but I couldn’t help it. Jason Stone had me tied up in knots.

After my morning class, I had time to come home and eat lunch and then work on the things I didn’t get a chance to finish this weekend for the shop. I needed that job, but I hadn’t wanted to give up any of my time with Jason to work. Not when I had an entire week without him to work on it.

Sitting down at the sewing machine, I pushed all thoughts of Jason from my head and tried to concentrate on other things. It was short-lived, however, because the doorbell rang. Momma had gone to run some errands that she had been evasive about, which led me to believe she was messing around with a man and didn’t want me to know about it.

I went to the door and opened it. The cold, hateful glare that I was sure Mrs. Stone only reserved for me met my gaze, and I wished I had looked out the window first. I really needed to start doing that before I opened the door.

“Can I come in?” she asked, raising that one eyebrow as if she was daring me.

I wanted to say no and slam the door in her face. But she was Jason’s mom. I couldn’t exactly do that. Besides, I needed to win this woman over. If that was even possible. “Um, okay, yes.” I stumbled over my words and stepped back to let her inside.

You could see the living room, my bedroom, my momma’s bedroom, and the bathroom from the entrance. The only room you couldn’t see the door to was the kitchen, and that was because you had to walk through the living room to get to it. Thanks to my momma’s smoking habit the place smelled like stale smoke, but it was clean. Momma wasn’t one for filth.

Mrs. Stone’s nose visibly scrunched, like she was smelling something bad. I didn’t notice the smell much since I’d lived with it, but I knew that to those not around it, it smelled bad. I was suddenly wishing I had made her stay outside and just walked out there to talk to her.

“I’m not here to waste my time. I have the jet waiting at the airport, so let me get to the point,” she said, turning to level her haughty glare at me. “You won’t do for Jason. I realize Jax will end up marrying beneath him, but he is a celebrity and will be a legend. He can make as many mistakes as he wants, and his success is intact. However, Jason is different. He can’t get involved with someone like you.” She let her gaze flicker to the blue sofa that I knew was worn and old—but again, it was clean.

“Jason has a bright future. He’s brilliant and he has connections. In the world of politics, Jason can’t have skeletons like you in his closet. You won’t help him reach his goal. You’ll only bring him down. He’s been in love with Johanna since he was a child. Johanna was groomed to be the wife of a senator. She has grown up in the home of one of the best. I know she will be willing to overlook Jason’s baser urges that led him to you. But it has to stop before you affect his life any more. His grades can’t suffer, and he will attend that cotillion this weekend as her escort. It’s too important for him. If you hold him back, he will hate you for it later. I’ve dealt with your kind before, and I know you don’t go away easily. I’ll have one hundred thousand dollars wired to your account within the day. In return, you need to end it with him and disappear from his life. Do whatever you need to do to send him away if he comes back.”

I had seen this in a movie once. But having it actually happen to you was different. The dirty way it made you feel was indescribable. To think someone expected you to take the money and agree to something like this was like a slap in the face. Several slaps in the face.

She had seen my home and assumed I was in this for the money, because someone like her couldn’t fathom that I would have the ability to love someone more than money. Being poor didn’t mean I was soulless. I managed to shake my head no. Words had left me as I stared in horror at this woman who had given birth to the most beautiful, kind, giving, selfless person I knew. How was that possible?

“You’ll change your mind.” She handed me a small card. “Call me when you realize the stupidity of your decision. Unless he’s tired of you by then. I may not have to give you a dime. Now that Johanna knows she has competition, she’ll be working extra hard to make him happy,” Mrs. Stone said with an evil smirk.

She turned and walked out the door without another word. I stared at her back until she climbed into the limo and drove away. Reaching for the handle, I closed the door, then looked down at the card in my hand. She had left me her contact information. I wanted to burn it, but I didn’t. As much as I didn’t want to tell Jason about this, I feared that I needed to. I didn’t trust her. I wanted him to know that I had never accepted this from her, if it got back to him.

Needing to hear his voice, I walked to my room and dropped the card to my desk before picking up my phone. I wasn’t sure if he would be in class right now, but I could at least hear his voice mail.

It rang three times, and then a female answered. She was giggling and telling someone no. I just sat there and listened to her. She said hello again, but I was still too confused to speak.

“Jason is indisposed at the moment. You’ll need to call back later,” she said before hanging up.

I didn’t need someone to tell me who that had been. I just needed Jason to explain it to me. Apparently, Johanna was more than he had admitted to. There had to be some truth to his mother’s words. I knew that already. He had feelings for Johanna. I’d already come to terms with it.

Was he in love with her? Was that it? He couldn’t love me, because he loved her, and he was sewing his wild oats first. The idea of being his wild oats made me want to curl up in a ball and die.

“Give me the damn phone, Jo,” I demanded, snatching it out of her hands and shoving it in my pocket. I needed another study group. Seeing Jo pissed me off after her duplicity with my mother. She had known calling my mom would send my nosy mother to Alabama looking for me.

“Stop being so nasty to me.” She pouted and batted her eyelashes. Jo and I had grown up together, and last spring after I’d had to much to drink she’d gotten naked and crawled on top of me and I’d made the mistake of screwing her. Ever since, she’d been acting different. I never liked the Hamptons. Like Jax, I had always preferred the Sea Breeze house. But the place in the Hamptons had been handed down to us from my grandfather. It would actually become mine in a couple of years. It was the vacation home Mother used when she wanted to be seen. Sea Breeze was where we always went when Jax needed to be hidden for a while.

Johanna was a part of the Hamptons life we had always known. The fact that she had ended up at the same university as me was my bad luck. She was hard to get rid of. At least nicely.