Missing (14 page)

Victoria’s shoulders shook at his touch.

“She’s was running away from
me
,” he said softly.
“Not you.”

“But she left me too.”

It was true. It was absolutely true, and there was no way Nathan
could deny it.

Victoria rolled over when he didn’t answer. Her face was red
and blotchy, and it tightened as she choked out, “Even with the notes, I
thought for sure she’d been hurt, kidnapped, something. I just knew she
wouldn’t have left us on purpose!” Her voice turned into a sob on the last
words.

“I know it’s hard, sweetheart,” he said, thick and raspy.
“But I don’t want you to be angry with her.
I’m
the one to blame. I made
things so hard for her she didn’t think she could stay.”

“Things weren’t that bad. You’re a good dad. There was no
reason for her to leave.”

He swallowed painfully. “I think I’ve…I’ve gotten better.
With you. But you’ve told me many times how much you hate being a Livingston, and
it was a lot worse for her. I made it worse for her. You know how I used to be.
I wasn’t around very much, and then when I was…I made so many mistakes. She felt
like she was living in a prison, and she didn’t think I loved her.”

Victoria shook her head, sniffing and rubbing her eyes. “
I
knew you loved us. Even back then when it was…when you were different…when it
was harder. I knew you loved us. I could tell.”

It was some sort of miracle—and an assurance he’d really
needed—to know he must have done something right with Victoria, despite all the
mistakes he’d made as a father.

He just stroked her hair gently back from her face. “Thank
you, Victoria. I’m really glad you knew. But people are different, and she
really didn’t know.”

He was tempted—so tempted—to explain that Ariana had
manipulated Elizabeth’s feelings, cut the final threads that had held the girl
to her family. But Ariana was Victoria’s mother, and he just wouldn’t desecrate
the last glimmer of that relationship. Not merely to make things easier on
himself.

Victoria had been silent, thinking, leaning her face just a little
into his hand. “I bet Mom did it,” she said at last.

Nathan actually gasped.

“She used to talk to Elizabeth when you didn't know, and she
likes for me to complain about you. And sometimes she acts…it’s like she
wants
me not to like you.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, shaking a little as he
berated himself for not figuring out what Ariana was up to years earlier and
saving them all so much pain.

“Well,” Victoria replied weakly, looking away from him.
“Sometimes I
was
mad at you. And she’s…she’s my mom.”

Nathan closed his eyes and took a few ragged breaths. “Of
course, she is,” he said at last. “I don’t want you to hate her, and you don’t
have to blame her for Elizabeth either. I’m the one who made the most mistakes.
You can blame me. I’m the bad guy.”

Victoria had been shaking her head while he spoke, and the
gesture became more emphatic as he went on. “No,” she said, sitting up in her
urgency. “Don’t say that. You’re not the bad guy. You’ll never be the bad guy.”

Nathan gazed at her, absolutely amazed at her earnest
declaration when he’d screwed up so many times. “Why not?” he breathed
stupidly.

Victoria’s features contorted with repressed tears. “Because
you’re the only one who’s never left me!” she gasped out, before crumpling into
sobs again and throwing herself at his chest.

He almost broke down too as he tightened his arms around
her, buried his face in her hair, and mumbled out how much he loved her and how
he was never going to leave her.

Some men must have natural instincts for being a father. So
many of them did it well. He seemed to have none of them, though. He had no
idea what to do—when both of his daughters were so wounded—or how to possibly
make this better.

But Victoria had always been resilient, and she seemed to
feel better when she pulled away. “Sorry for the hysterics,” she said, almost
sheepishly.

He smiled and stood up, his legs stiff and sore for some
reason. “You don’t have to forgive her right away. No one is expecting you to.
But do you think you could at least come and talk to her? She really wants to
see you.”

Victoria nodded and pushed herself to her feet. “But if she
starts blaming you, I’m going to hit her.”

They walked together to the living room, but it was empty. They
wandered around the apartment looking until they found Lynn and Elizabeth in
the kitchen.

Nathan gazed at Elizabeth greedily, still not quite
convinced she was real.

Lynn was pressing garlic, and Elizabeth was chopping celery.

Lynn smiled warmly when they came in and explained, “We
didn’t know what to do, so we decided we might as well work on dinner. We’re
going to make chili, if that’s all right.”

“Sounds good to me,” Nathan said, when it was clear someone
needed to answer.

“Did you all want to help? Someone can chop up the onions,
and someone can start collecting the seasonings.”

Lynn sounded mild and natural, and Nathan was ridiculously
grateful for her intervention. If it wasn't for her, they all would have been
standing around awkwardly and staring at each other like idiots. And everything
would have been so much harder.

“I’ll chop the onions,” Victoria said, going over to stand
beside Elizabeth at the counter and wiping at her tear-streaked face, “since it
won’t matter if they make my eyes water.”

Nathan went over to the spice cabinet to collect seasonings,
but he was watching the girls out of the corner of his eyes. He saw Elizabeth
slant her sister an anxious look. Victoria made a face at her, but it seemed to
be half-teasing, and it made Elizabeth almost smile.

Nathan let out a breath. Maybe there was hope. Maybe his
family wasn’t hopelessly broken.

***

It took a while to make the chili,
but having something to do really helped, and it was good when it was finished.
They ate dinner, and then Lynn suggested they watch a movie, which was perfect
since it meant they didn’t have to talk all the time.

While it was progress that they were talking at all, things
were still rather stilted—sometimes emotional and sometimes incredibly awkward.

At least Elizabeth was here. Home at last. Although it was
clear she still felt kind of distant and distrustful, she agreed to spend this
one night at least.

At a little after ten, the girls, who had both had really
hard days, decided to go to bed.  Nathan got up from the sofa in the media room
to say goodnight, hugging Victoria tightly and telling her he loved her.

He turned to Elizabeth and forced himself not to be a
coward. She might pull away from him—reject him—but he would try to hug her
anyway.

She didn’t pull away, and she shook a little in his arms
when he told her he loved her. She didn’t say it back to him, the way Victoria
had, but it was something.

It was enough.

When he was alone in the media room with Lynn, he was so
emotionally battered and exhausted from everything he’d gone through that he
could barely stand up. He couldn’t seem to move either, though. Just stood
there staring at the door Elizabeth had just gone through.

Lynn got up and pulled him into a soft hug without speaking.

It helped. It wasn’t demanding. She didn’t expect support or
strength from him the way the girls had. Rather, she was giving it back to him.

He didn’t really want her to pull away, but eventually she
did. She gazed up at him with such softness that he figured he must look really
pathetic. Then she lifted a hand to cup his cheek. “You should go to bed too, Nathan.
You look worn out.”

“I am,” he admitted. His mind wasn’t moving very quickly,
but it landed on something that seemed important. “You knew about Elizabeth
before today?”

Lynn swallowed and drew her hand back. Something anxious in
her expression reminded him that she must have kept a secret from him about
Elizabeth’s presence. “Can we sit down?” she asked mildly.

By the time they were seated, Nathan realized that he was in
absolutely no condition to have this conversation tonight. Besides, he realized
he trusted her. If she’d kept this secret from him, it wouldn’t have been for
long and she must have felt like she had no other choice.

“I started to suspect about a week ago,” Lynn began.

He shook his head. “We don’t need to go over everything now.
We can talk about it later.”

“Okay. It’s late. Why don’t I let you get some rest, and we
can talk tomorrow.” She was smiling, although her face looked worried, as she
started to stand up again.

He reached out and grabbed her arm. “You’re leaving?”

Lynn seemed to freeze, halfway between sitting and standing.
She looked so confused and so tender, but Nathan couldn’t seem to figure out
his mood, much less explain it to her.

He just didn’t want her to go.

“I don’t have to,” she said, easing back down to the couch
beside him. “I can stay as long as you want.”

She reached for the remote and found a cable news channel,
and she didn’t talk at all.

It seemed just about right to Nathan.

***

He thought he was awake the whole
time, but he was only half-conscious of the time passing. The next thing he was
fully aware of was that he was lying on the couch with his head in Lynn’s lap,
and they were still watching the news.

He should get up. He didn’t like to appear weak or
vulnerable, and his position was about as weak and vulnerable as he could
imagine. But he didn’t want to. She was absently rubbing his neck, massaging his
shoulders, stroking his hair. And it felt so good—like he was being taken care
of.

No one had taken care of him since he'd grown up.

He closed his eyes again. No one was here but Lynn, and she
didn’t seem to mind.

***

He was jarred into full
consciousness again by a voice from the hall outside the media room.

“Dad?” the voice said.

Elizabeth.

He tried to pull himself together, but she was at the door
before he could move. She was dressed in a pair of cotton, man-style pajamas
she had worn all the time a couple of years ago.

He pulled his head out of Lynn’s lap and sat up, trying to
get his brain to work. “What is it, sweetheart?” he asked, standing up despite
the way his aching body protested the move.

“I’m sorry,” she said, her eyes darting from him to Lynn,
who was still sitting on the couch. “I woke you up.”

“No, no,” he assured her. He glanced at a clock and saw it
was almost midnight.  “I wasn’t asleep. Did you need something, Eli—Beth?”

She stared at him, her lips parted slightly, and he had
absolutely no idea what she was thinking. Then finally, she said, “I just
wanted to say…to say…I’m sorry.”

He wasn’t sure, but he hoped—he
hoped
—she meant for
everything. He nodded and said, “I’m sorry too.”

Her tight features relaxed into almost a smile. Then she
darted her eyes to Lynn and back to him again. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.
I’m sorry. I’m going to bed now.”

“It’s fine,” he began. “You don’t have to—” But she had
already padded barefoot out of the room.

Nathan turned to look blankly at Lynn, who smiled. “I think
she just realized how hard this has been on you. You always act so strong and
unshakable. But I think this is a good thing.”

He just nodded. He would have preferred for his daughters to
always see him as strong and unshakable, but he didn’t know much about teenage
girls, and Lynn probably did.

“Why don’t you go to bed, Nathan?” Lynn suggested, dragging
herself up out of the couch with a soft groan. “It’s late. I can stay here, if
you want, or head home. It’s totally up to you.”

“Stay here.”

***

Nathan fell asleep almost
immediately, but he woke up a few hours later in the dark, a cold sweat broken
out on his skin and his heart pounding frantically.

He started to get up automatically, needing to make sure
that Elizabeth was still here, that both his little girls were all right.

He’d swung his legs over the side of the bed when he felt a
soft hand on his arm.

“Nathan, don’t,” Lynn said, tugging on him gently. “She’s
here. They’re both here. They’re both all right.”

He resisted, his blood coursing with a terror that wasn’t
logical but was too powerful to ignore.

“Nathan, no,” Lynn murmured, pulling on his arm harder.
“You’ll wake them up. You’ll scare them. Try to let go a little bit. It’s
really all right. They're fine right now. You can let go.”

She was right. She was so incredibly right. The last thing
he needed to do to prove to them he was a decent father was go peer at his
teenage daughters while they were sleeping because he was so afraid they would
somehow slip away. It was brutally painful, but he made himself relax back into
bed.

Lynn draped an arm around him. She smelled like warmth, and
sleep, and Lynn.

“Thank you,” he said in the dark, breathing slowly so his
heartbeat would return to normal.

“Mm-hmm,” she mumbled, nestling groggily against his side.
She was asleep again almost immediately.

It wasn’t long before Nathan was asleep too.

A light knock on Lynn’s opened
office door and a soft voice asking, “Am I interrupting something?” interrupted
Lynn’s attempt to focus on a recently submitted feature article.

She turned around in her desk chair and smiled at Beth, who
was waiting in the hall outside her office. “Come on in,” Lynn told the girl,
giving up on the article. She hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep lately and was too
distracted by relationship issues to focus much anyway. “It’s after seven. You
shouldn’t still be working.”

“I know. I’m heading out.” Beth still wore her inexpensive
clothes and her little glasses, and she was still living in the same dorm room.
She’d lived too long alienated from her father for everything to be
miraculously fixed in less than a week. “I was actually going over to Dad’s to
have dinner with him and Victoria. Do you want to come?”

Lynn managed to sustain her smile. “No, I don’t think so. I
have a lot to finish up here. Thanks, though. I’m really glad you’re giving him
a chance.”

Beth released a long breath. “He’s giving me a chance too. I
messed up a lot. I know that. There were times when I wanted to take it all
back, but I’d done it, so it didn’t seem right to…”

Lynn understood. Beth had been very young and had made a
decision that was emotional, melodramatic, rather immature. Most young women
who might make similar spontaneous decisions wouldn’t have the resources to
carry them out. Beth had, and the Livingston will of iron had trapped her in
the decision, even if she’d sometimes had second thoughts.

“It’s just hard,” Beth concluded.

“I know it is,” Lynn said gently, her heart going out to
this sensitive, wounded young woman. “It will take some time, but I think
you’re doing great.”

Beth acknowledged the comment with a small smile and a nod,
but then she didn’t move—as if she had something more to say.

Lynn just waited. If Beth wanted to confide in her, she was
happy for the chance to help, but it wouldn’t be a good idea to push.

“Dad said…” Beth began, trailing off and then beginning
again. “Dad said you hadn’t been over to see him for a few days. Is everything
all right between you and him?” Her blue eyes were big and anxious.

It was not a question Lynn had expected, and her spine
stiffened in instinctive defensiveness. She had to bite back an automatic sharp
reply. Instead, she said softly, “I’m sure your father didn’t send you over to
ask me that.”

“No. He’d be so mad if he knew I was even talking to you
about it. I had to give him a full-fledged interrogation to find out that he
hadn’t seen you for a few days. But it seemed like something…something might be
wrong between the two of you, and I was afraid it was because of me.”

Lynn opened her mouth to object to this, but Beth hurried
on, “I mean, I know I put you in a terrible position, and you had to go behind
Dad’s back a little. You seemed happy with him, and he seemed like…like a new
man with you, and if I messed it up for you—”

“No, no, Beth,” Lynn interrupted, horrified that she’d even
had the thought. “It’s nothing like that. Things are fine between me and your
dad. I was just trying to give you all a little space, so you could have some
family time.”

“Oh.” Relief was obvious as it washed over the girl’s face.
“That’s good.” She paused for a few moments before adding hesitantly, “You know,
I don’t really think he
wants
any space. Not from you.”

Lynn just smiled, trying not to convey her discomfort or the
sick-feeling in her gut that had been troubling her for the last few days,
whenever she thought about Nathan. “Okay,” was all she said.

Beth stood up, obviously realizing that Lynn was ready for
the conversation to be over. “I just wanted to check. I would hate if he was
upset because of the position I put you in.”

“He wasn’t upset,” Lynn assured her, speaking the absolute
truth. “Please don’t worry about that. Enjoy dinner, and tell Victoria ‘hi’ for
me.”

Beth said she would and left the office smiling.

Lynn shut the door behind her and then slouched back into
her office chair.

She’d been initially afraid that Nathan might be upset that
she’d kept her knowledge of his daughter’s presence from him, even for a few
days. He hadn’t been, though. They’d had lunch on Tuesday, and she’d explained
everything. He’d just listened quietly, occasionally asking a brief question. Then
he’d thought for a minute in silence, nodded, and said he thought she’d done
the right thing.

She’d been so surprised. And then equally surprised when
he’d let the subject drop and asked her to have dinner with him and the girls
that evening.

That was when she’d gotten the first hint of the
sick-feeling in her gut.

She’d had dinner with Nathan, Elizabeth, and Victoria on
Tuesday night, and they’d all acted as though she belonged there—like she was
part of the family.

And that had caused the sick-feeling to intensify.

She’d had legitimate reasons to work late on Wednesday
evening, and she’d used them to get a little distance and figure out what was
wrong with her.  She hadn’t had any real excuses to avoid Nathan Thursday night
or this evening, but she’d made something up anyway.

She knew exactly what was going on now. She just didn’t know
what to do about it.

She knew her feelings for Nathan had gotten deeper over the
last months, and a week ago she would have said she wanted a real relationship
with him.

But, now that she seemed to be in one, she was terrified.

She stared at the article again and eventually managed to
read it. She found enough to do to keep her at the office until after nine in
the evening. Then she finally gave up and gathered her things together to
leave.

“Hey,” Matt said from the entrance to her office, surprising
her with his presence when her back was to the door. “Still here? I thought
you’d be with your boyfriend.”

Lynn caught her breath and turned to roll her eyes at her
ex-husband. “I was just catching up on some things. I thought you had a date.”

“I did.”

“Not much potential?”

He made a face. “I liked her, but she seemed a little
standoffish.”

“Well, it was just a first date, right? Did you expect her
to be all over you?”

“It’s been known to happen before.”

“Some women are shy, and some are just careful. If you like
her, don’t give up just because it wasn’t as easy as you expected.”

“Your sage advice is always appreciated.” He was being
ironic, but it wasn’t bitter or negatively charged. “Is everything all right
with you?”

“What do you mean?” She’d been putting her laptop and a
couple of files into her leather satchel, in case she wanted to work at home
over the weekend, but she turned with a questioning look at Matt’s unexpected query.

“You’ve been kind of withdrawn for the last couple of days.
Is everything all right? Is there trouble in relationship-land?”

She gave a shrug and pulled the strap of the satchel over
her shoulder. “I honestly don’t know
what
’s happening in
relationship-land. I seem to have gotten lost somewhere.”

Matt’s eyes were warm on her face. “You’ll figure it out.
And, if he’s being an asshole, just let me know, and I’ll be happy to beat him
up for you.”

Lynn couldn’t help but laugh at the image of Matt trying to
pick a fight with Nathan Livingston.

“You don’t think I could take him?”

“I know you couldn’t take him,” she replied with another
snicker. When he looked offended, she leaned over and kissed his cheek. “He has
bodyguards, Matt. You wouldn’t have a chance.”

“Who
is
this guy?” he demanded, appearing torn
between intrigue and annoyance.

Lynn shook her head with an affectionate smile. “I’ll see
you tomorrow.”

Matt was grumbling under his breath as she locked her
office, but Lynn wasn’t remotely tempted to tell him the identity of her “boyfriend.”

***

When she got back to her apartment, she
poured herself a glass of white wine and drew herself a bath. While the tub was
filling with lavender-scented water, her phone rang.

She glanced at the screen.

Nathan.

She’d talked to him on Wednesday, and she’d talked to him on
Thursday. But she’d let his calls today go to voice mail. She just didn’t know
what to say to him yet, and she felt the same flutter of fear at the sight of
his number.

She hesitated, briefly torn, but then she put her phone
down.  It rang until her voice mail picked up.

She piled her hair on top of her head with a clip, dropped
her clothes on the bathroom floor, and climbed into the tub to soak.

As she sipped her wine, she tried to sort through her
feelings, which had become a bewildering tangle of fear, guilt, need, and
something like dread. She kept hoping, if she could reason things out for
herself, the sick-feeling in her gut would go away and she would finally know
what she should do.

She knew how it had happened.

That afternoon and evening on Monday had been too intense,
too overwhelming. While it was happening, all she’d wanted to do was help, to
smooth over the conflict between Nathan and Beth and to give him all the
support and comfort he needed. She hadn’t thought about anything beyond the
moment until late in the evening, when Nathan had sprawled out on the couch in
complete exhaustion with his head in her lap.

The intensity of her feelings for him as she’d stroked his
head and shoulders—a tenderness more powerful than anything she’d ever
experienced before—had been absolutely terrifying.

But she was sure she would have been able to handle the
feelings if things had returned to something like normal the following day.

She’d been convinced Nathan would pull away a little—after
making himself so vulnerable—and she would have the necessary time and distance
to get her feet under her again.

But that wasn’t what happened. Things had only gotten more
confusing, more overwhelming. Nathan hadn’t pulled away.

And it was too much. She understood how and why it had
happened, but she’d been thrown headfirst from a no-strings-attached
relationship (with some feelings slowly developing) to a full-fledged, serious
relationship with a very complicated man overnight. No transition time. No conversation.
No opportunity to even decide if that was really what she wanted.

And it terrified her.

She knew who Nathan was. She’d seen firsthand how deeply
feelings ran in him, and she knew very well the single-minded focus and
intensity he poured into the very few people he loved.

She’d thought before that she understood him and that he was
something she wanted. But now that she had him, she wasn’t sure if she was
strong enough to handle it.

She also wasn’t sure if she wanted her life to change so
drastically.

She loved her life, her career, her friends, her freedom.
And a serious relationship with Nathan would irrevocably change all of it.

She wasn't young enough to still believe that love conquered
all. It didn't. And there were things in the world more important than romance.

Her spiraling reflections were interrupted by a loud knock
on her apartment door.

She blinked in surprise, registering the sound. No one had
buzzed up for her to let in, but maybe someone else had let the person into the
building. They weren't supposed to, but people did it anyway.

When she heard another knock, she heaved herself out of the
tub, dried herself off hurriedly, threw on a little robe, and walked barefoot
through her bedroom and living room until she reached the front door.

When she looked through the peephole, she saw Nathan
standing in the hall outside her door.

He knocked again. “Lynn, let me in,” he demanded. He sounded
annoyed and impatient.

She actually hesitated. She couldn’t help it. She knew it
would be immature and unfair, however, so she unlocked the door just as he
started to pound on it again.

After she swung it open, they stood and stared at each other
over the threshold. He had changed from his normal business suit and was
wearing gray trousers and a black t-shirt.

The silent stare lasted longer than it should have, but Lynn’s
heart pounded painfully and she had absolutely no idea what to say.

He was Nathan. With his strong, handsome features, and his
absolute composure, and his haunted, hungry eyes. The lines next to his eyes
and mouth seemed a little more pronounced, and his jaw was very tight.

He was Nathan. And she loved him. But he would turn her
whole world inside out.

Maybe he already had.

“May I come in?” he asked at last, his eyes dipping from her
face to the damp skin that was showing where her robe was falling open.

She pulled her robe closed a little more. “Yeah. Of course.
Sorry. I was just taking a bath.” Ridiculously, she felt self-conscious. A passing
glance at a mirror near the front door told her that her hair was still very
unattractively piled on her head.

She reached up to remove the clip and tried to finger-comb
out the messy waves.

“You can have a seat, if you want,” she said, gesturing
toward the main seating area of the apartment.

Nathan didn’t reply, but he sat down on her forest green couch.

She was tempted to sit in a leather chair that was a good
distance away from him, but she told herself that would be ridiculous and
unworthy—no matter how awkward she felt—so she sat next to him on the sofa.

“Sorry I didn’t return your calls,” she said, darting him a
quick, anxious look before she focused down at her hands in her lap.

She could feel his eyes resting on her face, and it was
several long moments before he spoke.  When he finally did, his tone was quiet,
mild, deeply controlled. “I’ll understand if you want to end things between us.
But, if you do, I hope you’ll tell me that we’re broken up.”