Easily able to imagine how that must have set the man fuming, if not foaming, Vivienne walked briskly over to the towpath and was just heading towards home when her mobile bleeped with a text. Seeing it was from Stella, she opened it right away.
Might have good news. Can’t say more now. Keep fingers crossed. Will ring later or tomorrow. Stella.
Knowing it must be about Sharon, who’d started her treatment today, Vivienne immediately called Stella’s number. Finding herself diverted to voicemail, she rang off and tried Sharon herself. No luck there either, as the phone simply rang and rang,
meaning
she was probably sleeping after the first bout of chemo.
Deciding to try Stella again in an hour, she walked on, and within a few minutes she was wheeling Rufus across the courtyard and in through the kitchen door. Knowing her mortgage arrears were paid off now, and that there might be good news for Sharon, was allowing some brightness to shine through the dark heaviness she felt each time she thought of Jacqueline. The days ahead were going to be far from easy, she was in no doubt about that, but it was Jacqueline’s final hours that troubled her the most. It was heartbreaking to think of what she’d been through, and how, in fifteen long years, there had never been any respite. She’d never given up hope of one day finding Sam, until finally, for whatever reasons, she’d come to accept that the dream was as lost as her son. It was tragic beyond bearing, but even so, a small part of Vivienne could almost feel glad for Jacqueline that so much suffering was finally at an end.
After parking the buggy in the dining room, she turned on the lights, poured herself half a glass of wine, then went into the hall to hang up her coat and collect the mail. An electricity bill, a postcard from her mother in Italy, and a small white Jiffy bag that had no identifying logos at all.
Going back to the kitchen, she looked down at the package again, and felt a fluttering in her chest as she registered the Richmond postmark. But it couldn’t be from Jacqueline. Today was Wednesday and this … had been mailed on Saturday. For some reason it had taken until now to arrive, which wasn’t normal, but had clearly happened, so in fact it could be from Jacqueline.
She continued to stare at the handwriting, clear and neat:
Ms Vivienne Kane
, followed by her address and postcode. Since she’d never seen Jacqueline’s writing she had no idea if this was it, but an uncanny instinct was telling her it was.
Experiencing a confused sadness and frustration that Jacqueline might have written to her, when Kelsey had never needed to hear from her mother more, she tore open the seal and pulled out a single page with a cheque attached. There was also an envelope addressed to Kelsey.
Putting that aside, she unfolded her own letter and read the address at the top of the page first. This, she realised, was Jacqueline’s way of allowing them to find her, not too long after she’d gone, but not before she’d been able to fulfil her intentions.
In a neat, legible hand, she’d written,
Dear Vivienne,
I watched your auction, and because you seemed to be short of £5,000 at the end of it, I am enclosing that sum with this letter. Please accept it as my donation to a very worthy cause.
I am also enclosing a letter for Kelsey. I would like you to give it to her, because it is my hope that it will go some way towards helping her to accept you and move forward into the kind of future she deserves.
Thank you for your kindness when I came to see you. Rufus is a very special little boy. Please take care of him, and always watch over him. A mere moment of risk can, as I’ve discovered, change a life for ever.
What I am about to do is not meant as a
punishment
to those I leave behind. I do it for the reasons I am giving Kelsey, as she is the only one I really need to explain myself to.
Thank you, Vivienne, for caring as much as you do. I hope you and Miles will be happy together.
Jacqueline
As she finished reading Vivienne took a shuddering breath and blew it out slowly. Then, looking down at the envelope addressed to Kelsey, she reached for the phone to call Miles.
Chapter Twenty-six
NOT WANTING TO
risk Kelsey’s letter taking any longer to reach her than it already had, Vivienne set out early the next morning, with Rufus, to deliver it herself.
It was just before midday by the time she pulled up in the courtyard outside Moorlands, with Rufus singing and banging about in the back, and a weak autumn sun struggling to brighten a dull, but dry day.
She found Miles in his study, standing at the window staring down towards the lake. They’d talked long into the night, so she knew, even though he hadn’t put it into actual words, how deeply Jacqueline’s suicide was affecting him. Their marriage might have been over a long time ago, but he’d never stopped caring for her, nor had he ever ceased to understand or share her pain, since it was his too. What he hadn’t realised before, however, was that he’d allowed her to shoulder his hope of finding Sam. She’d kept that flame burning for them both, because he’d truly believed he’d given up on his son a long time ago. Now she’d gone he knew he hadn’t, and losing her was a little like losing Sam all over again.
Hearing Vivienne come into the room, some of the intensity left his expression, and his eyes softened as a jubilant Rufus ran towards him, arms waving in the
air,
baby teeth bared in a grin. Sweeping him up he planted a kiss on his cheek, before pulling Vivienne into a more intimate embrace.
‘Are you OK?’ she asked, reaching up to cup a hand lovingly around his face. ‘You look tired.’
‘I’m fine,’ he assured her. ‘Did Stella get hold of you?’
She smiled and nodded. ‘The same donor. Let’s just hope that he or she doesn’t back out again.’
He started to agree, but his words were garbled by Rufus’s sticky fists grabbing his mouth.
‘Muh, muh,’ Rufus chirped, mimicking a kiss, and pressing his wet lips to his father’s he blew a soggy raspberry.
Smiling, Miles hugged him tightly, burying his face in him for a moment, before setting him down to run about the room. ‘I had a rather unexpected phone call about an hour ago,’ he said, turning back to Vivienne. ‘From Don Dickson.’
Her eyes widened with interest.
‘Would you believe, he offered me my old job back at
The News
? Double my previous salary.’
She blinked in amazement. ‘Are you going to take it?’ she asked dubiously.
He shook his head. ‘My days on the Sunday tabloids are long over. I’ve no desire to go back there.’
Not surprised by the answer, she said, ‘Have you given any more thought to what you are going to do?’
‘It’s always in my mind, but for the time being I still have a book to finish, and there’s plenty coming in from my non-executive directorships, plus I might accept a couple of the political columns I’ve been offered.’
‘Which means,’ she said, cocking her head curiously
to
one side, ‘you’ll be working from home?’
‘At least for the foreseeable future. It’ll give me more time to spend with Kelsey and Rufus, while my wife hits the dizzy heights with her agency.’
As her heart swelled, her eyes showed a subtle mischief. ‘I guess that’s going to make you a kind of house husband,’ she said.
Appearing amused, he said, ‘It would if you’d agree to marry me.’
Leaning in for a kiss, she replied, ‘I think I could manage that.’
A few moments later he said, ‘Does this seem like the wrong time to be asking? Yes, of course it does.’
‘You knew I’d accept, and I don’t think either of us was planning to announce it just yet.’
‘No, of course not.’
Her eyes swept over his face. ‘Have you told Kelsey about the letter?’ she asked.
‘No. Jacqueline clearly wanted you to, so let’s do it that way.’
She nodded. ‘Where is she?’
Turning back to the window, he gestured for her to look down at the lake. ‘She’s been sitting there all morning with that goose,’ he said. ‘I can’t get her to come in, so I took a blanket and a warmer coat down for her just now. She says she’s fine, she just wants to be left alone with Henrietta.’
Understanding the significance of the attachment, Vivienne smiled sadly. Both Kelsey and the goose had been abandoned by their mothers.
She gave Miles a fleeting kiss on the cheek, then went to take her own coat from the car, plus the letter, and began walking down the lawn. Even if Kelsey was as hostile and rude as before, Vivienne was
determined
to let it wash over her, while trying as gently as she could to break the news of the letter’s arrival. Then she’d beat a sensitive retreat to let Kelsey read it alone.
However, as she drew closer, and began to register how pathetically lonely and unhappy Kelsey looked, sitting on the blanket with Henrietta’s fat, feathery body next to her and elegant neck curled over into her lap, she decided at least to try and sit down with them for a while.
She was almost there when Kelsey looked up. The sun was behind her, so Kelsey couldn’t make out who she was at first until Vivienne stepped forward. Seeing who it was, Kelsey turned away.
‘I have something for you,’ Vivienne said gently.
Kelsey kept her head down. ‘I don’t want it,’ she said, her nasal voice betraying how much crying she’d done, but at least there was none of the bitterness Vivienne had been expecting.
Taking heart, Vivienne said, ‘Would it be OK if I sat with you for a moment?’
Kelsey neither moved nor spoke.
Hoping the lack of response was a permission of sorts, Vivienne sank down at the edge of the blanket.
Sensing a newcomer, Henrietta lifted her head and eyed Vivienne beadily, before returning to the cosy pillow of Kelsey’s lap.
Vivienne took the letter from her pocket and held it out. ‘This arrived yesterday, at my house,’ she said. ‘It’s for you, from your mum.’
Kelsey stiffened, and glanced sharply at the letter.
‘She obviously intended it to get to you before now,’ Vivienne continued, ‘but I’m afraid the post let her down.’
Kelsey’s eyes remained on the letter, but she made no move to take it.
‘Would you like me to leave it here?’ Vivienne suggested, putting it on the blanket between them.
Kelsey’s nostrils flared as her lips turned pale. ‘Do what you want,’ she said shortly.
Vivienne left it where it was and gazed out across the lake.
Minutes ticked by.
‘Why did she send it to you, and not me?’ Kelsey demanded.
Bracing herself, Vivienne said, ‘I think she wants to try and help us be friends.’
Kelsey turned away again.
‘I’ll leave you alone to read it,’ Vivienne said and started to get up, but then, hearing Kelsey swallow and seeing two tears form and roll from the bottom of her eyes, she whispered, ‘I can stay if you’d prefer.’
Kelsey shrugged dismissively. ‘You can do as you like,’ she retorted coldly.
Vivienne’s heart folded around the pain Kelsey was trying to hide. She didn’t want to be alone, but was unable to swallow enough pride to admit it. Sitting down again, Vivienne drew up her knees and hugged them to her chest, giving Kelsey time to decide what to do next.
Time slipped quietly by and Kelsey’s gaze stayed on Henrietta, whose silky neck she was stroking with a hand mottled by cold. She didn’t even glance at the letter again, but Vivienne knew she was sensing its presence like a ticking bomb between them.
In the end Kelsey said, in a voice that was much tarter than the words, ‘Dad told me the good news about Sharon’s donor.’
Surprised by the change of direction, but pleased because it signalled another lowering of barriers, Vivienne said, ‘Let’s hope it all works out this time. I’m sure it will.’
Kelsey tilted her head to one side, and ran her fingers over Henrietta’s golden beak. ‘Martha, and my friends at school, think it was really good of you to put on that auction,’ she remarked.
Guessing she might be letting the others speak for her, Vivienne said, ‘Well, I didn’t do it alone. Far from it, in fact.’
‘Yeah, but you were the one who got it going.’
Understanding now that this was the excuse she was giving herself to set aside her animosity and open up a little, Vivienne said nothing, only watched her continuing to stroke Henrietta, while sensing her inner struggle and knowing it all had to happen in Kelsey’s time.
‘The Canadas never came back,’ Kelsey said.
Vivienne’s heart ached as she looked at Kelsey’s face, and seeing a tear drop onto her hand she dispensed with caution and moved to put an arm around her.
To her relief Kelsey didn’t shrug her off, but she didn’t lean in to her either, merely continuing to stroke the goose. Vivienne wondered if she was remembering how Henrietta’s plight had brought them together before. Then quite unexpectedly Kelsey turned her face into Vivienne’s shoulder and started to sob.
‘Oh, my love, it’s all right, it’s all right,’ Vivienne murmured, holding her close, tears welling in her own eyes. ‘I’m here. I won’t let you go.’
Kelsey continued to cry, her body shaking and juddering, her voice strangled by too much confusion,
until
she pulled away again as though angered by her moment of weakness – or, Vivienne realised, afraid that she might be pushed away first.
Not quite sure what to do for the moment, Vivienne folded her arms on her knees again and watched the other geese skimming about the near edge of the lake, as though keeping an eye on the privileged Henrietta, while the ducks paddled and dived imperviously.
Beside her Kelsey’s breath was still ragged, and once or twice a latent sob made her jerk and gulp. Then finally she put out a hand and picked up the letter.
As she stared down at her name, written in her mother’s hand, Vivienne said, ‘Would you like Dad to come and sit with you while you read it?’
For a while Kelsey didn’t respond, until she shook her head as another lingering sob made her gasp. ‘No,’ she said.
Vivienne watched her tear the envelope open. If Kelsey wanted her to go she’d say, so she’d assume, at least for the moment, that she wanted her to stay.