Authors: Natasha Mac a'Bháird
‘What the hell?’ she shouted. People in front of us turned around and shushed her.
‘Ellen, it’s OK,’ I said, trying to take her arm. She shook me off.
‘Do you see him?’ she demanded.
‘Yes, I know,’ I said, conscious of all the eyes on us.
‘He said he was going to a bloody meeting!’ she said, making absolutely no attempt to keep her voice down.
‘What’s going on?’ Liam whispered.
‘It’s her dad,’ I told him. ‘He’s up there with his girlfriend.’
Mr Barrett didn’t turn around, but I’m sure he must have heard her, because it seemed like everyone in the cinema could. I tried to calm Ellen down.
‘He’s a jerk, OK? He’s not worth wasting your time on,’ I said.
‘He’s my dad,’ she said, her face crumbling. She kicked the seat in front of her really hard. The woman sitting there turned around again and said, ‘Do you mind?!’
‘Yes I do bloody mind actually,’ Ellen shouted at her. ‘I’m sick of this!’
‘So leave then,’ the woman told her. ‘The rest of us want to watch the film.’
A flashlight shone in our eyes. I recognised the guy from the ticket counter.
‘I’m going to have to ask you to leave,’ he said, looking at me though it clearly wasn’t me he meant.
‘It’s OK, we’re going,’ I said. Liam was talking to Ellen, trying to get her to calm down, and the two of us led her out of the row. I mumbled an apology to the ticket guy, staring at the ground in front of us to avoid the curious eyes all turned in our direction as we walked down the aisle.
Outside, Ellen suddenly broke away from us and ran down the steps into the car park. A car had to brake suddenly to avoid hitting her, but she took no notice.
‘There’s his bloody car,’ she yelled, still running. ‘His bloody car that he cares about more than me and Robert, because he thinks he can impress the bloody Homewrecker.’
She ran towards her dad’s car and I saw her pulling her keys out of her pocket. I was running after her, trying
desperately
to reach her before she did something really stupid, but Liam got there before me. He grabbed her arm just as she was about to drag the keys along the shiny silver paintwork of the BMW.
‘Let go of me!’ Ellen screeched, but Liam held her firmly, taking her other hand too to stop her hitting him.
‘Ellen, you have to calm down,’ he told her. ‘Do you want to get arrested?’
‘Hey, what’s going on?’ It was the guy who’d thrown us out of the cinema, standing on the front steps looking down at us. ‘Get away from that car before I call the guards!’
Liam let go of Ellen. The cinema guy started running down the steps but Ellen was faster, hopping over the wall. We took off after her. This time she managed not to run into the speeding traffic, dodging round a corner and heading off down a side street.
She managed to shake off not just the cinema guy (who wasn’t even following her anyway – he’d given up once we were off the cinema property) but us too – as we came around a corner there was no sign of her. I stopped, out of breath – I hadn’t run that much in ages. Liam waited for me,
anxiously scouring the street.
‘Where did she go?’ I said.
We walked on down the street, looking into shops and down side streets, but there was no sign of her. At the end of the road we decided to turn back and look again. I thought she couldn’t have got far and we must have just missed her somehow.
‘God, not again,’ Liam said. He pointed to an off-licence across the road. Ellen had joined the queue at the till, a large bottle of vodka in her hands.
Liam headed across the road and I followed, taking one last look behind to make sure no one else was coming after us. When I got inside Liam was already arguing with Ellen and trying to take the bottle out of her hands.
‘Get lost, will you?’ Ellen hissed at him. ‘You’re
embarrassing
me.’
‘Forget it, mate. I’m not serving her anyway,’ the guy behind the counter said.
‘What do you mean?’ Ellen demanded. ‘I’m eighteen.’
‘Where’s your ID then?’ he asked, in a bored tone.
Ellen pretended to rummage in her bag, muttering, ‘I know I had it in here somewhere.’
The guy jerked his thumb in the direction of the door. ‘Beat it, kids. I’ve had the guards in here twice already this week. I’m not risking my licence to serve a couple of
snotty-nosed
teenagers.’
Liam tried to pull Ellen in the direction of the door. She suddenly stopped resisting and made a dash for the door – the bottle of vodka still in her hands.
‘Oi!’ the guy yelled. ‘Get back here!’ He lifted up the counter to let himself out.
‘It’s OK, I’ll stop her,’ I said quickly, not wanting him to go after her – God knows what she would do.
‘You’d better, or I’ll call the guards,’ he said, heading after her all the same.
‘Already called them,’ said a voice from the back of the shop. An older man, probably the manager, was standing there with the phone in his hand.
Liam had managed to wrestle the bottle off Ellen. She took off again and he shoved it at me before running after her. I handed it to the guy in the shop with a totally
inadequate
‘Sorry!’ and ran after the others. I heard a police siren wailing in the background. Oh God, surely they weren’t sending a car out after us?
I caught up with Ellen and Liam just inside the park. All attempts at bravado had failed her and she was crying quietly, Liam’s arm around her. We sat down on the
nearest
bench, both of us putting our arms around her now and just letting her cry.
‘Well, there’s a night out we won’t forget in a hurry,’ Liam joked.
‘It’s never boring with Ellen around, that’s for sure,’ I said.
Ellen said nothing, just leaned against Liam’s shoulder, mascara running down her cheeks. We sat there for what seemed like ages, Liam and I talking about stupid things, trying to get Ellen to cheer up or at least say something, but it was like she wasn’t really hearing us at all.
‘Think we’d better get you home,’ Liam said at last.
‘Sounds like a good idea,’ said a voice behind us.
I looked up to see a guard standing over us. He wasn’t that old, maybe twenty-three or four, and he was tall and
good-looking
. Under normal circumstances I might have fancied him, but these circumstances were about as far from normal as you could get.
‘I’ve had reports of some youngsters involved in a row outside the cinema,’ the guard said.
We said nothing. Liam and I just stared at him, waiting to see what he would say next, and Ellen looked at the ground.
‘And there was an incident at an off-licence – a minor attempting to purchase alcohol, and then attempting to
shoplift
,’ the guard continued. There was a long pause before he added, ‘But you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?’
‘No, guard,’ Liam said quickly. ‘Nothing to do with us.’
The guard squatted down in front of the bench, looking at each of us in turn. ‘The owner of the off-licence tells me he has it all on CCTV footage. A young lady with red hair, I believe.’ He stared pointedly at Ellen’s hair.
Oh God. A hundred things flashed through my mind. Being arrested. My parents being hauled in to the garda
station
. Ellen’s mum and dad screaming at each other. Being in the local paper.
‘I’m sure we can sort this all out,’ the guard said, his tone surprisingly gentle. ‘Anything you’d like to tell me?’
I looked desperately at Liam and amazingly he came to the rescue of us all. ‘There may have been a little incident at the off-licence,’ he said. ‘But we didn’t mean it, honestly. She was just letting off a bit of steam – we’ve just finished our exams. I dared her to go in, but we weren’t really going to steal anything.’
I wondered if the guard would buy it. He seemed to think for a long time, before straightening up. ‘Well, it seems no harm was done this time,’ he said slowly.
‘No, and it won’t happen again,’ Liam assured him.
‘It better not,’ the guard said. ‘I’ll be keeping an eye out for you. This is a small town you know.’ But his tone was kinder than his words, and he added, ‘How are you getting home?’
‘My mum is picking us up,’ I said, only realising as I said it that it must be nearly time for her to arrive.
‘Are you sure now? I don’t want to give any of your
parents
heart attacks by dropping you home in the squad car,’ he said, a twinkle in his eye.
‘It’s fine, honestly, guard,’ Liam said. ‘I’ll make sure they get home OK. We’re going to meet her mum now.’
‘Well, just make sure that you do,’ the guard said. He seemed about to leave, then stopped to say, ‘I’m Declan, by the way. Just in case you get arrested and need someone to rescue you.’ He turned away, with Liam and me both
mumbling
our thanks.
Throughout this whole thing Ellen had said absolutely nothing. We persuaded her to get to her feet and start
walking
with us back towards the cinema. I let Liam look after her, hanging back a little to send a text to my mum, asking her to pick us up at the ice cream parlour around the corner. I thought it was probably better not to bring Ellen within sight of the cinema again.
I told Liam what I’d done, but he said, ‘Maybe I should just take Ellen home in a taxi. Your mum will go nuts if she sees her like this. There’s no point getting her into trouble when we’ve managed to get off so lightly so far.’
I realised he was right. I hugged Ellen and said goodbye to them both at the taxi rank. I walked the final few yards to the ice cream parlour, turning back to watch as Liam held the taxi door open for her and gently helped her into the car.
I sat down at a table outside to wait on my own.
Dear Ellen,
We were so stupid, Liam and me. We thought we were doing the right thing for you, the thing friends do. Maybe if we’d been real friends to you none of this would have happened.
David says that’s not true and none of this is my fault, but I’m finding it hard to believe him.
Love,
Maggie.
I woke up the next morning, the day of the party,
wondering
if all those things had really happened or if it had just been some kind of bad dream. I checked my phone. There was a text from Liam, wondering if I’d heard from Ellen, but nothing from her. I tried to phone her but it just rang out. She was probably just sleeping off her hangover.
I spent the day mooching around the house, helping Mum with bits and pieces of housework and Jamie with his Lego. It was weird not to have any studying to do. I kept trying Ellen until she eventually sent me a text saying she was fine and that she was going out with Pete. I hoped he was going to take better care of her than he had the day before.
At last it was time to get ready for the party. I wished Ellen was there – we always got ready for nights out together.
My phone rang as I was just finishing my make-up. Ellen’s name flashed up on the screen. I scrutinised my face in the mirror. Had I overdone it on the eye shadow? Mum would say yes. Ellen would say I wasn’t wearing enough. I decided I would do. ‘Hey, Ellen, what’s up?’
‘Maggie, there’s been a change of plan.’
Oh no. Not again. ‘Ellen you promised, you absolutely
swore …’
‘Chill out, Maggie, I’m still going OK? I’ll just meet you there instead.’
‘What’s happened? Why can’t I come with you?’
‘Pete’s going to drive me. I’d get him to collect you too, but he’s got the rest of the band with him, and I know your mum wouldn’t want you piling in with another seven people!’
She’d got that one right, anyway. My mum would never stand back and watch me get into a car where I wouldn’t have a seatbelt. I don’t think she was quite over the fact that they didn’t make car seats for the over twelves. Anyway, there was no way I would want to get into a car where I might end up being squashed up beside Spider.
‘OK, I guess I can ask Mum to bring me. What time are you going to be there?’
‘I’m not sure. As soon as I can, OK?’
‘Will I wait for you outside?’
Ellen laughed. ‘No, don’t be daft, just go on in. It’s just going to be people from school, right? I think Pete will be the most exotic person there!’
‘OK.’ She knew I hated going into places like that alone, she bloody knew it.
‘Gotta go. I’ll see you there, OK?’
She hung up abruptly, and I was left staring at my own reflection. The party hadn’t even started, and already I felt like the night was going all wrong.
I reached for a wipe and scrubbed off all the eye shadow.
Dear Ellen,
I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while. And now I feel silly for saying that, because what difference does it make to you?
The truth is, I’ve been engaged in another battle, with my mum, the school, the world at large you could say. My mum got David to pay a home visit. Normally he doesn’t do that. I go to his office, which is very nice. It’s on the second floor of this tall narrow building, above a shop and a dental
surgery
, and you have to go up a narrow stairway to get to it. I try to shut out the sound of the dentist’s drill, or that
horrible
cleaning machine, when I’m going past the surgery. It’s always a relief to get to David’s floor and see his nice
smiling
receptionist, who always remembers my name, and says something nice about my clothes or my hair as she shows me into David’s room.
David’s room is quite big, with a huge window looking out over the park. He doesn’t have any pictures, just all his
certificates
and things in frames on the wall, and shelves filled with books. There’s a brown leather couch. The first time I got there, I asked him if I was supposed to lie on it, and he grinned and said only if I wanted to, that most people just preferred one of the armchairs beside the fireplace. Mostly it was just when whole families came in together that he used the couch. So I sat on the armchair facing towards the
window, and when I was talking, and didn’t feel like looking at him, I looked past him, out the window, and tried to spot shapes in the clouds.
Anyway, like I said, he came to see me. My mother brought him up to my room. He was very friendly, as he always is, making jokes and taking no notice of the fact that I wasn’t joining in. Actually, he was pretty sneaky about that. Like when he looked at one of my sketches, he said, ‘This is really good. It looks like you might have done it.’ He didn’t ask me a question, so it didn’t matter that I wasn’t answering him. He went to the window then, and admired the garden. He said he wished he had that much space, but he and his wife just had a small patch of garden, and no side entrance because they are in the middle of a terrace. He said his wife had green
fingers
, and every summer their garden was filled with colour, but that he would really like to have more space so that they could have some trees.
It was weird hearing him talking so much actually. In his office I do most of the talking, and he only speaks when he asks me a question, or to encourage me to say something more. He never talks about himself. I didn’t even know he was married.
Then he came and sat down at my desk, and put his hands together, resting on his knees. He looked at me with this kind but serious expression and started to talk about how what I’m experiencing is denial, which is one of the stages
of grief, when a person disappears from our lives, in
whatever
way that happens. He said it’s natural to wallow in denial for a while (that’s the word he used – wallow – which always makes me think of pigs) but that I mustn’t let it take over my life. He talked about what Ellen would want me to do, which was to think of her, but to keep doing the things I enjoyed, and the things I didn’t enjoy but that needed to be done – school, homework, chores. General engagement with the world.
That made me feel a bit cross, because he didn’t know Ellen, so how could he know what she would want me to do? But I didn’t have time to dwell on that, because then he was talking about a place I could go for a while to have a bit of time to clear my head. He mentioned having
counselling
sessions every day, and group therapy sessions,
talking
to other teenagers who’ve been through a tough time too, and he said I’d have my own room, and plenty of time to be alone, but with someone always on hand if I needed them. But I knew that what he was talking about was walls, and doors with alarms on them, and being watched all the time, and I shook my head, and when he persisted I said, ‘No!’. And I was surprised at the sound of my own voice, which was a bit scratchy, as if maybe rust had grown on it when it wasn’t being used. And David was surprised too, and he smiled and said, ‘No one’s going to make you go Maggie, but if you won’t talk to me or your family then you’re making it very hard for us to help you’.
‘I will talk,’ I said. I hated myself for giving in so easily, but I hated the thought of being sent away even more.
‘That’s good Maggie. I’m glad to hear that. You can tell me whatever you want and it will be completely confidential. You know that don’t you?’
I said nothing. Just because I had agreed to talk didn’t mean I felt like doing it right now. David seemed to know this, and didn’t try to push me. He waited a moment then asked, ‘How are you getting on with that diary you’re writing? Well not a diary as such, I know, but an account of what happened.’
I said nothing again. The truth was that I had reached the point I was most dreading, that I simply didn’t want to recall, and I wasn’t sure when I would be able to face it.
‘I hope it’s been a help, writing it all down,’ David said. ‘If you want to show it to me, I’d be happy to read it. Sometimes it’s easier than talking.’
‘OK,’ I said. ‘Not yet, though.’
David smiled. He stood up. ‘Well, I think I’d better be getting home. Helen’s rustling up some fajitas for dinner. My
favourite
.’
He made his way to the door. ‘So, I’ll see you again on
Tuesday
, right? I’m going to tell your mother to let you stay off school until then. Hopefully on Wednesday you might feel up to going into the big bad world again and using that nice little voice of yours’. He hesitated a moment, then said, ‘Do try to write some more if you can. Ellen would want you to. Maybe
there’ll be something that will help you make sense of why she did what she did.’
I watched him go, heard him clattering down the stairs and into the kitchen to talk to Mum, and I felt irritated again that he was presuming to know what Ellen would think, but mostly I felt cross because I knew that he was right.
Love,
Maggie.