She said all of this with very little inflection but her eyes pleaded for understanding. I did understand the depression and sadness, but I also knew that there was hope and that it wasn’t always going to be like this. The irony was that she was the person that had taught me all of that, but she couldn’t see that for herself. Before I could say anything in response, Dillon entered the bedroom. Taking a seat next to me on the bed he rubbed his hand along the pillow next to her face. That was as close to a touch as she allowed, but I could see that it was breaking him not to be able to hold her.
“You aren’t broken honey. There is hope. We survived Marissa, and we will always survive because we’re together. If you want a child, we’ll adopt. I’ll start doing the research tomorrow if that’s what you want. You can still have the family that you want, but I need you to try. You’re in bad shape right now and if you don’t start taking steps to recover, you’re going to wind up in the hospital. You aren’t eating, you don’t sleep and you’re a ghost of yourself. Whatever I need to do to bring you back, I will do it. There is nothing I won’t do for you. Just tell me what you need.”
Her eyes closed and I exchanged a look with Dillon as we tried to figure out what to do or say next. A minute or so later Marissa opened her eyes and gave him a weak smile.
“You would do that, for me?”
His voice cracked as he rushed to assure her. “Of course honey. We’re family forever. I know you will make a wonderful momma. If you promise me that you’ll talk to your therapist tomorrow and start getting yourself together, I’ll start looking into the process. Deal?”
The air in the room felt heavy as Marissa considered everything Dillon had said. Nodding her head, she sat up and put her arms out to him. He startled, unsure of what to do, before tentatively leaning into her for a hug. It was the first time I’d ever seen her touch him for an extended period of time and it was beautiful. He was careful not to hold her too tightly, but she clung to him like he was a life raft. I’d never witnessed a breakthrough before but clearly she was in the middle of having one.
The moment felt personal to me and I didn’t want to intrude on what they were sharing anymore than I already had. Rising from the bed I started quietly making my way to the door. The sound of Marissa saying my name halted my steps, and I turned to find her looking at me.
“I want to talk to you for a minute Minnie. Dillon, can you give us girls a few minutes alone?”
He chanced a quick kiss on her forehead before rising from the bed himself. Seeing his face as he walked by made my heart go pitter pat because he had tears in his eyes. As unconventional as I know that their relationship is, it’s obvious that he genuinely loves Marissa. Even as attracted to him as I am, the prevalent feeling I’m having is one of happiness for them both.
Walking back to the bed, I sat in the space that Marissa gestured to.
“Thank you for being here today, Minnie girl. You have been such an amazing friend and I feel blessed to have you in my life. I heard what you said and I want you to promise me something. Promise that you will always try to live your life the way we’ve talked about. You’re a survivor, even if you don’t see it in yourself. I can’t explain how envious I am of your strength. I think if I had a quarter of the backbone that you do, I would have survived intact.”
Shaking my head I looked at her in shock. “But you do have backbone and strength Marissa. I’m finally starting to feel comfortable because of you and everything you taught me. If I hadn’t met you, I’d still be a mess and I likely would have stayed that way and gotten progressively worse over the years. You changed my whole life. I think you and Dillon adopting a baby will be a wonderful experience for you. I can’t imagine a kinder or more loving mother than you.”
She sniffled as she leaned over to the bedside table to grab a tissue for herself. Dabbing at her eyes, she smiled at me through her tears. “You’re going to make a great mother yourself someday Minnie because you have the most beautiful and pure heart. I see the perfect white knight for you, the man who will be the most amazing father you could give a child.”
For the second time in less than half an hour, Marissa voluntarily embraced someone. This time it was me that she pulled into her arms, and I held on tight. I was so happy to see her coming back to herself, relieved and overjoyed to hear her talking with inflection in her voice.
Pulling back, she gestured around the room. “I guess I better get up and stop loafing in this bed. I’m sorry I gave you all such a scare. I’m going to take a shower. While I’m in the bathroom you and Dillon can order dinner. I would love some burgers.”
After leaving the bedroom I found Dillon in the living room on the couch. He had the TV on but I could tell that he was only pretending to watch the screen. Looking over my shoulder for Marissa and not finding her he asked, “Where is she? Is she okay?”
I was so overwhelmed by all that had happened that I could only nod my head as I crossed the room and settled down on the couch next to him. When I turned to look at him I blurted out, “She’s in the shower and she told me that we should order dinner, preferably burgers. I’m almost scared to believe that she’s turned the corner, and I don’t know why. On the other hand I’ve never seen her so tactile. She hugged me, too.”
He was off the couch so fast it was like he’d pressed the eject button. My heartbeat exploded with anxiety as he ran down the hallway to the bathroom and banged on the door. I could hear the water running and then I heard Marissa ask, “What?”
It looked like he was holding onto his control by a very thin thread as he answered. “Are you okay in there?”
I could hear the metal rings on the shower curtain rod as she pulled it open, and about thirty seconds later she opened the door to answer him.
“Dillon, I’m in the shower for goodness sake. What’s wrong?”
Running his hand through his hair he blew out, “I have a bad feeling and I’m scared is what’s wrong. Is everything alright?”
Opening the door wider she took a step forward until she was right in his face. “Dill, I’m fine. I promise that I am really fine. I’m just taking a shower, and you don’t need to worry. Now you and Minnie order those burgers and I’ll be out in ten minutes. You can relax.”
They had some kind of stare off, during which time he gave her a silent once over. Even from my perch on the couch I could see that his eyes were pleading with her to be okay. After a moment of that he nodded his head and took a step back.
“Alright, burgers it is. Onion rings?”
With a laugh she nodded her head. “Um, is that even a real question? Of course onion rings! Ooh, and get me a vanilla Dr. Pepper. Large!”
He was a man on a mission as he located his phone to call in the dinner order. Turning to me he asked, “The usual?”
I loved that he paid attention to me, that he even knew that I had a “usual.” Nodding my head, I laughed. “Yep, old predictable over here wants two hot dogs and a black and white milkshake.”
He paused mid-dial and looked up at me.
“I’m scared, Minnie. Do you think she’s really turned the corner?”
Crossing the room I gave him a gentle hug. Pulling back, I smiled at him as reassuringly as I could.
“I’m not going to lie to you, I’m scared too. It seems too much, too soon. But I’m hopeful, and that’s all we can be right now. Hopefully her therapist will be able to clue you in more tomorrow. Tonight, let’s just do whatever she wants and pray that she’s really turned the corner. I believe that she definitely has it in her to have done so.”
Dinner ended up being fun. Marissa was engaged and lively, and though Dillon and I both still worried, I had more hope that she had really turned the corner by the time the night was over.
After hugging them both-again, so impressed that she was able to hug me of her own accordI made my way home with a smile on my face. If she was really going to try, anything was possible.
I have a horrible feeling that Marissa is faking me out. After spending the last four weeks wondering if she would ever recover from seeing her stepfather and being plunged back into her past, I’m extremely suspicious that she managed to turn around her attitude on a dime.
When she went to take her shower, I had a panic attack imagining that she might kill herself in the tub. Although Minnie doesn’t know Marissa’s history with suicide attempts, I do, and I can’t pretend that it isn’t something that she would do again. It’s been years since the last time she tried, but the fact is that she tried three separate times over the years and I have no guarantee that she won’t try again.
After Dominique left I called Marissa’s therapist from the driveway and told her all about what had happened. She too is suspicious but assures me that she will be here in the morning and we will re-evaluate then.
Stepping back into the house I found Marissa sitting on the couch watching a home show on HGTV. Taking a seat on the other end of the couch, I did a thorough visual exam of her. She seemed calm and she was smiling, but it felt off to me. Not necessarily fake because she did seem oddly content, but something about her demeanor was ringing my alarms.
“Alright, you can stop staring at me Dill, I’m fine. I feel like you’re doing nothing but temperature taking and it’s making me jumpy.”
Throwing my hands in the air in pure exasperation I bluntly asked, “Can you blame me? You’ve been completely absent for over a month and I’m worried sick. I’m scared that this is an act and that you’re planning something horrible. I’m not joking when I tell you that I’ll do anything that you want to make you happy, but I want you to promise me that you won’t leave me. I never ask for anything, but I’m begging you for this. Promise that you won’t hurt yourself. Promise that we’re going to survive this.”
She stared at me in silence for a moment and nothing in her eyes soothed my nerves. She was doing a good job of covering how she really felt, but I’d known her long enough that I could see the sadness beneath the calm façade. Holding out her hand, she stuck up her pinky. I cocked my head in confusion and raised my eyebrow, causing her to chuckle.
“I pinky swear that I truly believe that, over time, everything is going to be fine. It’s not going to be sunshine and walks in the park from here on out, but it will get better. You’ve always told me that anything is survivable Dillon, and now I understand what you meant for all of these years. This too shall pass.”
Marissa had never promised me before that things would be okay, and my heart felt a million pounds lighter that she had been able to say those words. The one thing I knew for certain about my wife was that she would never, ever break a promise to me. Raising my hand I linked my pinky with hers and we shook on it.
Once she made the promise, I felt a bit better, although the quick turnaround was still bothering me. After chasing thoughts round and round in my head I finally decided that I was so keyed up and anxious from how horrible the last month had been that I was probably in a form of shock.
Marissa woke me up bright and early today with my absolute favorite breakfast of cream chipped beef. It was something that one of our foster mothers had taught her to make and she made it for me a lot when she got up early enough. I was surprised that she had cooked because I knew we hadn’t had the supplies in the house.
“Hey, we didn’t have this stuff in the house. Did you go to the store?”
Turning away from the stove she looked at me and smiled. “Well, I didn’t turn into Samantha from Bewitched last night, if that’s what you’re asking. I thought after how hard the last month has been on you that some good food was definitely called for. The cupboards were pretty empty so I went to the store and stocked up on all your favorites. I figured a good breakfast would be a good way to start the day before my therapist gets here. I also did all your laundry and cleaned the bathroom and the living room just like a good wife should.”
This did not sit well with me, but I couldn’t pinpoint why. The one thing that stood out as being really odd was that it was only seven in the morning.
“It’s like the ass crack of dawn. When did you have time to do all of this?”
Giving me a little smile that I wasn’t positive was genuine she turned back to the stove. “I’ve been up all night. I guess checking out and being physically and emotionally comatose for the last month was enough rest for me for a while. I couldn’t stay in bed and do nothing for another second. I’m starting to get tired though so I’ll make sure to rest this afternoon.”
I guessed that seemed logical so I nodded my head in understanding and dropped the subject.
After breakfast we each got ready for her therapist’s visit. The doctor arrived around nine, sitting down with Marissa in the living room for a talk. I left them to it and went and sat on the front porch. I was scared to believe that Marissa had really turned the corner and I hoped that her doctor would be able to get a better read of her than I had.
I sat on the porch for almost an hour before Marissa came out onto the porch and asked me to come into the living room. Sitting on the couch, I smiled reassuringly at my wife before turning to her doctor.
“Well Dillon, I have to tell you that I think Marissa is making some significant progress. We have never really discussed just how serious her desire for children is but now that she’s explained her need to love a child, I have a better understanding of why she’s making such a recovery. I have some experience with an adoption and I can tell you that it’s going to take at least a year from beginning to end, but I think that will work perfectly into the timing of getting Marissa on her feet once and for all. She tells me that you seem very concerned about her frame of mind. Can you tell me what you’re thinking and feeling?”
Nodding my head I blurted, “I’m worried that she’s faking. I’m worried that she’s going to kill herself and I’m so scared by that thought that I’m almost sick with it. I’m worried that nothing is ever going to be the same. Top that all off with my mountain of guilt and you’ve got an idea of where I’m coming from.”