Missing Pieces of My Forever-Heart (17 page)

There was something new in Jame’s voice.  I couldn’t figure it out exactly, but there was sadness all through it.

Chapter 38

Two weeks later we heard the final decision on Jame’s entry into the new clinical trial.  After his most updated tests and scans, the committee decided that his melanoma was too far advanced for him to be a viable candidate for the program.  Jame took it stoically.

“Well, it was a long shot and I’m sure Dr. Hadler would have gotten me in if he could have.  I know the trials have to hopefully have success and as of now, I’m not in good enough shape for them.  OK.”

He gave me a hug.  I held in the tears, finally realizing how much I had been counting on this saving grace.

“I’m taking Bo out for a walk for a while.”

Jame hadn’t been able to walk Bo very much in recent days so I watched him get as far as the woods behind our house.  He sat down on a bench that was out there, leaned over, hugging Bo’s neck and I could see his shoulders heaving. And Bo, bless him, understood his master’s mood because he reached up and licked Jame’s tears.

The stark reality almost knocked me off my feet even though I was already on my knees- my sweet Jame was going to die.

Chapter 39

Michael called a few days later.  He had good news for Jame and me and wanted to come down to see us over the weekend.  I heard him coughing and sniffling.

“Are you sick?” 

“A little cold, that’s all.  Mom, wait ‘til you hear! It’s awesome!”

“Michael, I’m so, so sorry.  Your Dad can’t be around anyone who’s sick right now.  His immune system is almost nonexistent because of all the chemo and meds he’s on.  If he catches something from you, it could be bad.”

“Oh man, I really wanted to tell him in person and you too. But I understand. How’s he doing?  What’s the word on the clinical trial?”

I had to take a deep breath to tell our son the news. “No, he didn’t make it into the trial.”

There was silence from Michael.  Then “Shit. This sucks so bad.  We’re gonna lose him, aren’t we, Mom?”

“Yes, Michael, we are. And I agree, it sucks.  So maybe the next week or so you could call him a lot?  And tell him about your good news? Is it about that client project?”

“Yeah, I got on the project team.  Thanks to him. And they’re using one of my ideas.”

“That’s wonderful, sweetie!  I’m happy for you and so proud of you.  What a future is unfolding for you.”

“Yeah, but Dad won’t be here to see it.”  Michael started to cry.

“Well, maybe not physically, but he’s embedded in your DNA and your heart forever.  In a few years when you’re leading the projects at work, you’ll think, ‘What would Dad do about this?’ and he’ll whisper it in your ear.  You’ll know he’s still around.”

“Mom, how are you doing with all this?”

“I don’t really know, Michael.  I don’t really know. One day at a time.”

“Is Dad there now?”

“I think he’s awake.”  I walked into the family room and handed Jame the phone.  “Your son has some news for you.”

I heard Jame’s “Way to go! Awesome!” as I walked into the kitchen and sat down numbly at the table. It was getting harder and harder to put that one foot in front of the other these days.

Chapter 40

Jame spent a lot of time sleeping.   His meds had been increased.  He was eating very little and had grown thinner.  It was a week before Christmas when he called out to me that he wanted to talk in our office.

Curious, I found him at his desk with a bunch of documents strewn out all over.  He gestured for me to sit in my chair as he turned in his seat to face me.

“Ok, Cath, the love of my life.  It’s time to have the hard conversation.”

I looked at his desk and almost bolted from the room.

“Come on, sweetheart, I need you to be that strong woman who threw me out of this house the first night I came over.”

I had to smile at that memory.  So much changed since then.  If I had only known what I know now, I would have taken him in my arms that moment and had a few more days.

“I am that woman, so say it fast and get it out in the open.”

“Ahhhh, there’s my kick-butt girl.”

He opened the first document and proceeded to go over his Will, all his assets, his bank accounts, the insurance policies, and anything else I would need to know and have in order to settle his estate.

“I know you don’t really want to be here doing this, but we have to and I need to.  So I know you’ll be OK.”

At that I couldn’t help myself. I leaned over into his lap and cried my heart out.  He rubbed my back, shushing me, pushing my hair out of my eyes, trying to make a horrible situation better.  Bless him. HE was the strong one. 

“How can you face all this, Jame?”

He simply said, “How can I not?”

He wanted me to carry a copy of his Living Will and medical power of attorney with me at all times “just in case.”  He didn’t want to be kept alive on machines. He wanted to die with dignity and he was depending on me to carry out his wishes.

“Who woulda thunk I’d be turning over the power to pull the plug to the first girl I ever made out with.”

“It’s not funny, Jame! “ I wiped my eyes with my fingers.

“Cath, if I don’t keep my sense of humor, I’ll lose my mind.”

“You said let’s have the hard conversation.  Well, let’s do it.”

“What do you want to say, Cath?”

“That it’s not fair to only have you for this short time.  How come we only have short times together?”

“I’ll ask when I get to heaven.  OK, OK, no more fooling around.  Serious, right?”

“Please.”

“I don’t have any philosophical answers for you, sweetheart.  Wish I did.  Why did we meet when we were so young? Why is our connection so deep? Why did circumstances tear us apart?”

I joined in. “Why were we brought back together again?  Why were we so blessed to get Michael back in our lives? All the why’s, Jame.  What do I do about them?  They’re making me crazy!”

“We can spend the rest of our time together being crazy and upset and mad.  Or like you said, let’s focus on our blessings- that we are together NOW.  That I can hold you at night and sleep right next to you for the rest of our days. That we can spend time with our son and the girls, the family we created.”

I took a ragged breath and let myself get caught up in his wisdom. “That I can kiss you and love you because you’re never far away from me. And I can tell you I love you with all my heart and soul whenever I feel like it.”

Jame stood up, pulling me up with him. “I thank God everyday that I came after you and our son and we’re here today.”

“Yup, you’re my steamroller, Jame.  Thank you for never giving up on us.”

“Is our hard conversation over, my love?  ‘Cause this is sounding like foreplay to me.”

He took my hand and led me upstairs and showed me how much love we have right now this second.

Chapter 41

Christmas was a quiet affair.  By now Jame was in a hospital bed in the family room under hospice care. Wonderful nurses and helpers came daily to make him more comfortable.

The kids were a little freaked out, but held their own.  They spent all their time with him when he was awake and the rest of the time 

following me around like lost puppies.

“What will we do?” Kait would ask over and over again.  

Michael stepped up to the plate with his answer, “We’ll all do the 

best we can.”

Jame said he wanted to hang on so he could celebrate Michael’s 27
^th
birthday on New Year’s Day. “I’ve never been with him on his birthday and I will make this happen.”

I believed him. Jame showed a will of steel as he counted off the days until it was New Year’s Eve.   

“I made it, Cath. I’ll be around for his birthday. Hey Michael, come in here,” Jame called to our son.

“What’s up, Dad?”

“Sit, son.  I want your mom to tell you the story of the day you were born.”

“Jame, I’m not sure…”

“No, Mom, that’d be great.  I want to hear it.”

So I told them both the story of New Year’s Day, 1985, the day Michael was born.  The first and last (I thought) time I would ever see him and hold him.

“She’s the one who came through for you, Michael, not me.  So I want you to let her come through for you again.  She’s an amazing and strong woman who will be your rock when you need her.”

Michael got what Jame was telling him and he hugged us both.

Jame was starting to drift off, but he begged us to stay up until midnight and wake him up so he could really be present for Michael’s actual birthday.

At midnight, we gently shook him awake and Michael, Erin, Kait, Jame and I ate birthday cake as Jame celebrated the one and only birthday he would share with his son.

Chapter 42

Jame did not want to die at home.

“I do not want the kids to come into this family room and have the memory of ‘my dad died here’.”

He also wanted to walk into the hospital.

On January seventh, Jame walked slowly into the hospital and admitted himself.  His Living Will and medical Power of Attorney ached in my purse, and I prayed it would be easy for him, and that I would not be forced to make any decisions whatsoever.

He was hooked up to a morphine drip for the pain that knocked him out most of the time.   His legs swelled as his body systems started to shut down.  One night as he tried to take a shower, his legs were so swollen that he couldn’t bend his knee to lift his leg over into the shower.

“Look Cath. I used to be able to jump up and stuff the ball in the hoop.  Now I can’t even get into the effing shower.”  It was one of the few complaints I ever heard from my husband.

That Wednesday, the doctors told me it was time to call the family in.  Jame and I had discussed this together and with the kids.  He believed in getting it all out in the open and told them he wasn’t sure if he wanted them there.  They told him tough luck.  They were coming and it wasn’t his decision. He accepted that.

I called Michael first.  “The doctors said he’s going to go today.  It’s time to come.”

Then I called the girls who were still home from the holidays.  They came right over.

“Michael will be here in a few hours, Jame.  He’s on his way.”

I kept the countdown of Michael’s arrival for him even though Jame was deeply sedated with the morphine. I hoped it would get through to him so that Michael would be here in time.

I sat by Jame’s side, holding his hand, stroking those long fingers that now were so thin.  And I remembered.  Oh, how I remembered everything from the moment I first laid eyes on him, that tall, cute boy in ninth grade to this moment.

Michael came in looking bleak and sad.  He hugged the girls, then me, and then sat on his father’s other side.  Long fingers grasped long fingers as our son held his father’s hand for the last time.

“Michael’s here now, my love.  You can let go now and go in peace.  We’ll all miss you so very much.”  

Michael lay his head down on the bed and wrapped his father’s arm around his shoulder as the tears streamed down my Jame-clone’s face.

The minutes ticked away.  Jame was taking more shallow breaths.  I leaned over and whispered in his ear, “You are the love of my life, Jame.”

And I swear he breathed out, “Love you, Cath…”

My sweet Jame died at 3:35pm. His brave battle was over.

Chapter 43

I felt like I was wrapped in cotton gauze the next few days. I couldn’t seem to focus on much.  Bo followed me around the house as if to ask, “Where is he?”

Jame had told us what he wanted as a memorial service, nothing big, nothing fancy.  So I set things up as he wished, and found myself in his closet.  His Jame-scent surrounded me.  I wrapped one of his old sweaters around me and it smelled like him. I could imagine his arms around me.