That was too much! Outraged at all this attention and adulation Heller was getting, I turned off the viewer and hid it from my sight. There is a point where even masochism pales.
I thought I'd better see what the radio and TV had to say about this "mighty deed" he was bragging to everybody about. I listened to several news broadcasts. Aha! Not a mention of it!
I stretched my credit with the news vendor and got the afternoon papers. There had been nothing in the morning papers. But in one afternoon one there was a little notice wedged in amongst the latest fashions. It said:
MIDTOWN CONTEMPORARY GARB
A body identified as that of one Gunsalmo Silva by dental plates and fingerprints, was found in the small hours of last night on Fifth Avenue, apparently having fallen from the Baltman and Company roof. Silva was clothed in what had apparently been a woman's black dress. One wonders if this is the latest fashion trend now emerging.
That put things in their proper perspective. The newspapers never lie. They always tell the exact truth in things of this kind, and things of all kinds, for that matter. The Rockecenters and Madisons take care of that!
I felt a little better. I was no longer twitching and I didn't have to keep my mouth tight to suppress the tiny screams which sought to issue from my throat.
My lot was very difficult. I was broke. Heller and some unknown had robbed me. Miss Pinch didn't have a clue as to how to be a petty-cash cashier.
Somehow, trembling, abandoned and alone, I would struggle further along the sadistic road of thorns some people laughingly call life.
Lacking a crystal ball, I thought no further shocks lurked ahead, at least today.
I was wrong!
PART THIRTY-TWO
Chapter 1
Sirens were sounding in the street. There seemed to be an awful commotion going on. Despite the cold, I went out on the terrace and looked down at Fifth Avenue.
Military vehicles! Drawing up around the hotel!
White-helmeted and -belted MPs leaping out to set up a machine gun on the corner!
I drew back. A movement on a nearby building caught my eye.
Snipers in white helmets and belts!
They were laying their weapons directly at this terrace!
My Gods, I gasped—the U.S. Army has discovered I'm an extraterrestrial! They've got me trapped! They're closing in!
I hastily withdrew inside the penthouse.
A thundering on the door!
I'm dead!
Bravely, as one walks the last mile, bare-chested to the bullets, already in so low a state I did not care whether I lived or died, I threw the door open.
It was a bellhop.
His face was chalk white.
"Is a Mr. Inkswitch in?" he said.
Life without money wasn't worth living anyway. "Why not?" I said.
Crash!
Out of the stairwell, out from around the potted palms, out of the elevator, came MPs with assault rifles, running low.
They knocked the bellhop aside like he was a rag doll!
They burst past me!
They overturned the chairs, smashing them!
They yanked open closet and bathroom doors, leaping back with rifles pointing in case anyone came out.
They fired short bursts into mattresses!
They jabbed their rifles into clothes.
They raced out on the terrace with a crash of potted palms and took positions commanding the surrounding terrain.
An officer stood firmly before me. He was backed up with two MPs who had their Colt .45s on me. He gave a signal. An MP began to shake me down. He got my wallet. He handed it to the officer.
The officer looked at it. He held it to the light. He compared pictures. He gave another signal. A soldier grabbed my hand. He produced a pad and inked it. He got my fingerprints. He gave them snappily to the officer.
The officer compared them to a card he had.
In a cavalry voice, he shouted, "FOHwud, HO-o!"
There was a roar and rattle.
A cart of equipment was rushed in, the cannon wheels rumbling on the carpet and tearing it to bits. Three men were pushing it. They stopped it in the center of the room. One of them rushed out on the terrace and held up a chromium-plated pole.
Another officer came in. He knelt by the cart. He picked up an instrument. He barked into it and waited tensely.
The pause gave me an instant to read their uniform badges:
U.S. Army Signal Corps
The officer at the cart said to me, "This is ultra-secret. You could be shot for disclosing that you have seen a satellite-enscrambled decode-recode. Not even the Russians know we have it. Do you swear you have not seen it?"
I raised my inked-up hand and swore.
"Good," he said, "here is your party." He handed me the instrument.
A voice said, "Alo. Kto eta gavarit?"
I handed the instrument back to the Signal Corps officer. "Don't you have the wrong number? I think he just asked me who was speaking in Russian."
"(Bleep)!" said the officer. He got on the line again. He talked very fast and hard. Once more he handed me the phone.
A voice said, "!Diga! ?Con quien hablo?"
I tried to hand the instrument back to the officer. "Somebody just answered me in Spanish. I think he wanted to know who he was speaking to."
"No, no," said the officer. "You've got the right party."
I put the instrument back to my ear. The voice repeated, "?Con quien hablo?"
"Inkswitch," I said.
"Ah. Espere un momento, por favor." So I waited a moment. It was more than a moment, but that's how the Spanish are. Funny, though. I didn't know enough Spanish to spot accents but it sure wasn't Spain Spanish. A lilting sort of speech like he was singing. Cuban?
"Well, that sure took them long enough!" Voice on the phone. New England twang. Bury!
"Where are you?" I gasped.
"Central America," said Bury. "Somebody killed the Director of the CIA and there was an outbreak of peace down here. I had to fly in to review treaties to see which ones could be broken. It's not too bad, though. They really have some great snakes down here. You ought to see them! But that isn't what I called you about. The matter is pretty high security so I had to bypass the National Security Agency. Besides, there aren't any phones in the jungle here. Is the U.S. Army Signal Corps still in the room, there?"
"Yes," I said.
"Well, tell them to move out of earshot. This is highly classified stuff."
I told them and they went out onto the terrace and into the hall, guns drawn and ready to defend their equipment in case of attack.
"The area is clear," I said.
"All right," said Bury. "I got a call about an hour, ago on the facsimile satellite hookup. He was on personally. You know who I'm talking about."
Yes, I certainly did. I realized with alarm that Del-bert John Rockecenter himself had been through to Bury.
"Inkswitch," said Bury, "you've let Madison get out of hand! You-know-who is hopping mad!" I could hear him shaking newspapers at the phone. "Raving, Ink-switch, raving!"
I chilled. When Rockecenter raves, governments fall.
"He kind of got it wrong," said Bury. "He thought the news said the kid was setting up a rival oil company and was violating family policy by introducing competition. It's that Miss Peace: she reads him the papers and she can't spell. So Madison has got it all screwed up. That kid is his client, not Octopus. Madison is out of his field, getting into legal. Justice mustn't be allowed to get out of hand. I know, I'm a lawyer. And that's the real catastrophe in this. We can live with most of this but one item in it really needs to be objected to and no overrule! And this is the real reason you've got to get Madison under control, Inkswitch. Have I got your full attention?"
I told him he surely had.
"Inkswitch, right there in the same news story, he committed a felony. He mentioned Swindle and Crouch along with Boggle, Gouge and Hound. Listen, Ink-switch: Boggle, Gouge and Hound are a bunch of cheap ambulance-chasers, and even whispering Swindle and Crouch in the same news story could ruin our reputation. It's a clear-cut case of attempted manslaughter. Madison has gone too far! It's pretty serious, Inkswitch. That's the real reason this call has got to be so secret. Do you grasp the need for a tight, unviolated lawyer-client relationship here?"
I said that I did.
Bury said, "Now, I can't call Madison. He'd just plead the Fifth. So you have to handle Madison. If you don't, we're liable to get a summary judgment with no reprieve. Got it?"
I said I certainly did.
Bury said, "Good. Is there anything else on the docket?"
"Well, yes," I said. "They changed cashiers and I can't get paid."
"Details," said Bury. "Don't bother me with details. Tell the Chief Security Officer. Say, you wouldn't like me to send you a couple of these nice snakes, would you?"
Hastily, I said, "I'll get on Madison right away!"
"All right," said Bury. "You make sure you do. I've got to go deeper into the mountains now to find General Hatchetheimer and get some of these peace treaties violated to get things going again. I won't be available for a while: I also want more time with these great snakes. You sure you don't want some?"
"I'll be too busy on Madison!" I said quickly.
"Well, give my best to Miss Agnes, (bleep) her."
He rang off.
I signalled the Signal Corps people on the terrace. They blew shrill whistles. The MPs went into Red Alert.
They rushed the closely guarded equipment away.
Sirens began to scream in the streets.
With very precisely executed maneuvers, they were gone.
Utanc crawled out from under her bed, white-faced and shaking. She slammed and locked her door with extraordinary force in my face.
The hotel resident doctor was giving the first bellhop an emergency transfusion in the hall.
A hotel repair crew timidly came in and began to put the breakage together as best they could.
The manager appeared. He said, "There are two questions, if you please. A: Are you a Russian defector? Or B: Are you a member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff in disguise?"
I was kind of upset. I gave him the wrong answers. "It's no to both," I said, irritated.
"Good," he said. "Then here's the bill for the damages."
It was for $18,932.27 plus one expended bellhop, value to be determined later.
That decided me right then and there!
Chapter 2
First things first.
MONEY!
I would go see the Chief of Security at once. The problem was how to get there. It is sort of suicidal to get into a New York cab with only thirty-five cents in your pocket. I knew better than to approach Utanc, the way that door had slammed in my face. I would jog.
Wrapped warmly against the cold day, I was shortly sweating and puffing my way southward toward Rockecenter Plaza. It was only a few blocks.
I turned at Saks and wheezed my way through the Channel Gardens, shivering at the sight of all the unovercoated statuary sporting in the iced pools, and finally got to the Octopus Oil Building.
The Chief of Security had his feet on the desk, easing his several stomachs after lunch.
I flashed my Federal I.D. at him. "Inkswitch," I said. "I have a problem of the greatest importance to the company."
He punched the computer and it came up blank. "What's the problem?" he said, taking his feet off the desk.
"Your Miss Pinch on Petty Cash Window 13 has not been trained on her job. Miss Grabball did not tell her the procedure in handling a family 'spi'!"
"Ho, ho!" he said. He checked his revolver, picked up a thick billy club and we were on our way.
I hung back. He went right into the cages like a lion trainer. He seized Miss Pinch by the shoulder and with a yank, hauled her into a back closet.
There were some sharp sounds coming out. Blows.
Very shortly the Chief of Security emerged. He said to me as he passed me, "That's the way."
I went promptly to Window B. Miss Pinch was sitting there in her mannish clothes and thin lips. She had the beginnings of a black eye.
"Inkswitch," I said, "I want $20,000."
She punched the computer keyboard. It came up blank. She made out a voucher and handed it to me to sign. I wrote Thomas Jefferson. She took it and carefully counted $20,000 from her cash drawer.
She put the whole $20,000 in her purse!
She didn't have it right.
I said, "Are you sure that is correct?"
"That's the way," she said with hostility.
I went out. Maybe she was just a bit rattled. I should give her a chance to get settled in on her job.
I came back in.
"Inkswitch," I said. "I want $20,000."
She punched the computer keyboard. It came up blank. She made out a voucher and handed it to me to sign. I wrote George Washington. She took it and carefully counted $20,000 from her cash drawer.
She again put the whole $20,000 in her purse!
I said, "Wait a minute, Miss Pinch. I don't think you have this right!"
Her eyes were very, very hostile. "That's the way," she said.
I went out. Maybe I was giving her the wrong figure!
I went back in.
"Inkswitch," I said. "I want $40,000."
She went through all the motions. Only this time, I signed it Benedict Arnold as a kind of threat.
She took the money out of her cash drawer.
Yes, she put the whole $40,000 in her purse!
"AND THAT'S THE GOD (BLEEPED) WAY!" she shouted.
I gave it up. I made my way outside and thought about it. I really didn't have any time to waste. If I delayed too long, Bury might phone again and I'd get another hotel bill for $18,932.27 for damages. I couldn't risk it.