I barely make it to the bathroom before I get sick, putting strain on my still tender ribs, bringing me to tears. After finishing a grueling wave of sickness rolling through my body, I grab my toothbrush and cuss Jess in the mirror.
“You said you wouldn’t tell a soul. You fucking promised me. You wait until I get ahold of your ass.”
I splash cold water on my flushed face and dab it dry with a towel, taking slow controlled breaths trying to calm my unsettled stomach.
"Please, Belle, don’t be upset. Please understand,” he says through the door.
“Understand what? That you couldn’t just trust me?” I snap back.
“It’s not like that.”
“Just get out. Get out and leave me the fuck alone.” A few long seconds later he leaves, thankfully before my temper got the best of me. I let go of the breath I was holding, relieved to finally be alone.
I pace the bedroom floor, moving from one piece of furniture to the next, sitting on the bed, sitting on the loveseat. For several hours, I’ve tried to decipher how the hell I can explain what she told him, or why the hell she spilled my life’s secret. Tanner will never look at me the same again. I’ve been raped and beaten by a monster and now, top it off with my childhood. He’ll have those pity eyes for me, the ones where he’s scared to touch me like I’m a victim. A faint knock on the door pauses me in my tracks, one so soft I would have missed it if I had coughed or sneezed at the exact time.
“Sam?” I hear Jess say.
I bolt to the door yanking it open, “How fucking dare you!” I snarl.
She flinches at my words, but her expression holds strong. “Let me in so we can talk in private.”
“Oh, private is a concern of yours now?”
She pushes the door against me allowing herself in the door. “You can be mad at me all you want, Sam, but that man downstairs loves you to death and is worried sick over you. Stop and think about where he’s coming from. The woman he loves has had a very traumatic experience, one that ruins some women, and all she says is she’s fine,” she says.
“That doesn’t give you the right to run your mouth,” I snap.
“You’re right, it didn’t. You should’ve been the one to tell him, but you didn’t. And you won’t. I couldn’t find the right words to explain why and how you stuff the memories of Logan into a locked box, never to see them again. If you would stop and consider everyone around you, how they feel, maybe you would understand,” she yells.
My brows shoot up. “What the hell does that mean?”
She shakes her head. “You’re not yourself. You’re cussing out loud, and then you say you’re fine. The Samantha I know doesn’t do much cussing, not out loud anyways. Tanner told me about the other night, how you stopped him. You were fine the moments before. Something happened and you freaked. He said you thought you saw Logan. He only wants to make sure you’re truly okay, Samantha…all of us do.”
“He won’t ever look at me the same knowing about it,” I whisper through my tears.
“That’s another thing that has me concerned. I’ve known you since high school and I’ve never seen you cry so much as you have lately.” She steps to me and wipes a tear off my cheek with soft fretting eyes.
I rake my hands across my face trying to wash away my weakness, “What’s wrong with me?”
She places her hand on my shoulder and squeezes gently. “You had a traumatic experience, Sam. You fought for your life, you were violated, and now you’re trying to cope from all the emotions that have tagged along. You need to let us help you.”
“I’m
not
talking to a shrink,” I protest.
“Then don’t. Talk to us. Tanner loves you more than you give him credit for. He’s willing to listen and console. I bet you he’d go to school and study emotions or whatever it is, just to get a better understanding. If you recall, I’m qualified to put you on a couch and listen to you,” she snorts.
Ah, yes. Her twelve weeks of psych from college years ago. Yeah, qualified…okay.
“How’d you know to come?” I ask.
“Tanner called me,” she chirps with a knowing smirk.
My stomach feels heavy again, nausea creeping over me, and I dash to the bathroom. My nerves have me heaving everything I’ve eaten for days.
After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I exit the bathroom. I know I have some explaining to do. I pass Jess not looking at her and head down the stairs, her on my heels. Tanner leaps up from the couch saturated in worry.
“Marty, could you give us a moment?” I say holding my steady stare on Tanner.
He looks confused, his stare passing behind me to Jess. “Yeah, sure. I’ll-um-I’ll just go mess around with the horses.”
“Stay outside the fence,” Tanner barks his order like a protective parent.
The moment the front door closes behind him, I begin. “I don’t know what all she told you. I don’t care to share all the details and I really don’t care to relive it. I was raped under my mother’s nose. She knew it was happening, even condoned it.”
Tanner’s expression is emotionless. His eyes show nothing, his body language even less. He stands there as I speak still as a statue. Jess knows most of the story, but she still has her hand to her chest. I hate the pity in her eyes and her feelings of sympathy. It’s an experience. Everyone has them, some worse than mine. I get that it’s a shitty thing, but I’ve lived. Some women weren’t able to come out on top. Some women were buried bruised and violated. I’ve pushed through, dealing with things the way I do.
“I have a lot of bad memories that I’ve tucked away. Feelings I’ve hidden. Both of you need to understand and trust me when I say I’m okay. I’ve learned to deal with things my own way. That’s how it’s going to be. That’s how I’ve pushed through my life as strong and solid as I am.” I look up to Tanner, swallowing hard, “When you grabbed my hips the other night and pulled me, it’s the same thing Logan did. It’s like it all flashed again. I saw him, his disgusting face. Felt the wickedness of his fingers. It’s apparent it will take some time for me to process my emotions of that day. I’ve never fought for my life like I did. Both of you must understand I am okay and you have to trust me that I will talk if I need to.”
I turn to Jess holding back my own tears. “You have known me the longest. You know what all my past holds, and you, of all people, should know that when I’m ready to talk, I will.”
Silence swallows the room whole. I’m done talking, done sharing my feelings. It’s tough to talk about, but it’s something that when I’m ready to talk, it comes easily. They both stare at me, processing my words, trying to figure something to say. Jess knows my story, almost all of it, but Tanner…this is new for him. Anxiety kicks at me wondering what he’s thinking. He squints, and my heart jumps into my throat. This is it. This is where he tells me I’m damaged goods and he no longer wants me. This is where he tells me to take a hike, that this is all too much for him.
Tanner steps to me and places his hands on my shoulder, still very emotionless. He opens his mouth to speak, and my breath stops in my lungs, bracing for the letdown.
“I promise I won’t push you anymore, if you promise me you will see someone if you become not fine anymore.”
“I promise,” I answer.
“And you promise to talk to either me or Jess when you need to?”
“I can do that.”
He studies me with compassion flickering in his eyes, not moving an inch. Suddenly, he pulls me into his chest wrapping his arms around me. I let out my breath in a huge sigh into his chest, relieved I’ve not been seen as damage goods and pushed away. Jess wraps her arms around us from the side, quietly crying against my shoulder. For the first time in years, I feel complete. Loved and cared for.
Chapter 41
I feel fully recovered from my incident, and tonight I’m ready to get back to the old Sam again. My ribs aren’t tender, all my bruises are gone, and I’m feeling confident. Logan may have broken and bruised my body, but he hasn’t broken my spirits.
Tanner slides in behind me in the bed and I roll on top of him, straddling him. His eyes widen, and his body tenses at the sight of my naked bottom half. I place my hands beside his head and start nibbling on his ear, making my way down the side of his neck.
“Samantha?” he warns but very weakly.
“Shhh...” I respond into his neck continuing a seductive tonguing down his chest. With my tongue, I trace his six pack then cross to his V. I rub his thighs, and when I cross his erection, he moans. I slide his boxers down, purposely torturing him, grazing the tops of his legs with my fingernails. I slowly drag my tongue back up his body and claim his lips I’ve ached for. He breathes his passion into me cupping my cheeks, moaning every time I grind against his dick.
“I’m impatient,” I whisper with a wicked grin, placing him to my slick entrance. I slide down slow, letting him fill me, adjusting for him. When I’ve buried him to the hilt, we moan together. I rise and fall, up and down, sliding him in and out of me, our eyes locked. When I stare into his azure irises, I can’t breathe. The love I have for him is deep, running throughout me like wild mustangs in a field without a care. He’s been through hell and back with me, standing strong beside me.
I rise and fall quicker, tremors of ecstasy rolling through me.
“Tanner!” I cry out, exploding around him, shuddering from the pleasure.
In a swift movement, he twists placing me on my back. He didn’t touch me while I was on top, probably allowing me to work through problems if I had any, but now his hands are all over me. I’m panting as he kisses my forehead, dragging his lips down my face to mine. He tugs at my bottom lip forcing me to let him in, his tongue sliding across mine slowly dragging in and out of me. He steals my breath with the passion he breathes into me.
“I love you, Belle,” he pants against my lips.
I can’t form a word, my body readying itself for another incredible climax. His thrusts deepen becoming wild and vigorous. My back arches, legs stiffen, and I erupted in a final earth moving release screaming unintelligibly. Growls and grunts rumble out of his chest as he falls down to his elbows pushing further inside of me, spilling himself into me.
He nuzzles against my neck, both of us panting, his body lightly resting on top of mine.
“God, I’ve missed that,” he sighs.
“Mmmm, me too.”
Epilogue
Life has found its track and hasn’t derailed in the last six months. I’ve been through hell and back in my life, but now I’m good. With all we’ve been through in the past year, our strength tested to the max, Tanner and I have only grown together becoming stronger than ever. He’s never left my side and has stood with me through some very dark times. Through it all, I’ve learned how passionate, how patient he truly is, and I honestly understand why his parents are so proud of him because now I’m just as proud. He’s never faltered from course, always holding me up to follow along and push forward. My life with him is perfect…now.
Work is going great too. Adam and Tanner landed the overseas client and are now working on another prospect which is undoubtedly leaving a heavy workload on my desk. I spend most weekends working in the office, and today is no different. Presentations, reports, agendas, documents, emails—you name it, Adam has me doing it. The man is too busy for his own good. I don’t see how he has a life outside of work, but somehow he manages it. He’s impressive.
My phone chirps breaking my concentration.
Tanner: How long are you going to be working?
Me: How long do I need to work, boss? :)
Tanner: Finish what you’re doing and come to the barn
Thankfully, I’m just about done with this presentation. Thanks to Tanner, my mind is anywhere but with work since he now has my curiosity ramped up. I rush to finish it, close my laptop, and head to the barn just as the text instructed.
When I enter the barn, Belle and Onyx are saddled and ready for a ride, Tanner beside them smiling like a damned fool.
“What’s this?” I ask.
He rubs my arms. “Let’s go for a ride,” he smiles, but it’s different. Nervous maybe? I don’t know.
I don’t protest. It’s been several weeks since we’ve been able to ride with him spending long hours at the office, not to mention the hours I’ve logged too. It’s refreshing to have the wind blowing through my hair and the sun against my skin as we trot through the beautiful landscape.
He leads us through a patch of woods and along a small trail, ducking under trees and walking through a creek no deeper than the horses’ hooves, bringing us into the open pasture I haven’t seen in over a year.
“We haven’t been here in a while, and since it’s nice out today, I figured we should enjoy it.” He clutches my hand and guides me to a small hill. We sit admiring the trees that have begun blooming and the hills in the distance. The air is fresh, the birds chirp, and the horses are content grazing under the branches of a tree providing them shade.
“Remember the first time I brought you here?” he asks.
“How can I forget? It was the first time you put it on me,” I wink nudging my elbow into his arm.
“I made love to you that day,” he replies in a sincere tease.