“I’m just thinking that I told you how it was going to be and you didn’t believe me. I warned you that Damien is just like his father.”
Mia frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“Your fighting. I can figure out what it is. Damien is running the streets and doesn’t want you questioning him about it. I knew it.”
Mia continued frowning. She glanced toward Damien and saw the sadness in her husband’s face.
“You’ve got it wrong, Kathy. Damien is not running around.” She glanced again at her husband and pain pierced her heart for what his mother had done to him and for what she herself was doing to him. He didn’t deserve it nor did he deserve the bad rap. Well, that was one thing she could and would take care of. Mia had already told Dr. Grey that she was ready to try and make love with Damien again. Despite their fighting, or maybe because of it, tonight would be a good time to take charge of her life.
“Kathy, it’s not Damien who’s causing the problem. It’s me. He’s been the best, most patient husband that I could have asked for. He hasn’t done any of the things that you said. You just gave me the wake-up call that I needed.” She turned her attention to her husband. “Damien, can we go now?”
When they were inside the car, Mia turned to Damien. “I’m sorry for making you live this way.” His face was hard and his jaw was clenched. He wasn’t answering her.
“Damien, I love you. I want to work things out.” She kissed his cheek and ignored his pushing her away.
“Mia, I’m not a yo-yo. You can’t keep pushing me away, then pulling me back when you want.”
“I’m not going to push you away anymore. You can count on that.”
Damien held both her hands in his, his breath ragged. He couldn’t look at her, he didn’t dare hope. “Unless you mean what I’m taking this to mean, then stop right now. I can’t take anymore of this. So you either mean it, or move over to your side of the car. You don’t have to feel sorry for me that my mother is happy thinking I screwed up. I’m used to it, Mia. I’ve put up with it my entire life.”
She pulled her hands from his grasp and held his face between them, her eyes probing the depths of his. Her lips claimed his as she closed her eyes and held on to him, hoping that he’d forgive her, that she was still in his heart. He clutched her to him and their tongues battled for dominance. She felt his heat, intense and urgent and she felt her own answering his. Their hearts beat a pattern, and their needs quickly turned to lust. They groped each other’s body, trying desperately to reclaim what they’d lost.
“Damn it, Mia,” Damien said, pushing her away. “We’re not kids. We’re not doing this, not this way, in the car. We have a bed at home.” He looked at her. “Are you ready to go home?”
“Yes,” she answered and snuggled against him as his arms came around her.
“What’s been going on, baby girl! What happened?”
“Not now, no talking, just us. I don’t want to think about anything but now.”
In a matter of minutes they had returned home, were undressed, and Damien was kissing Mia hard, clutching her to him. “Last chance,” he moaned. “If we make love now we’re not going back to what it was before.”
“I don’t want it like it was before.”
Before the words had completely left her mouth she felt Damien plunge into her hot and heavy. She felt the same stab of pain as she had the first time and tensed a moment before forcing her body to relax. She threw her arms around him and arched her hips to meet his thrusts. It surprised her when after several grunts Damien growled and stiffened.
They were going to be okay, she thought. She’d not seen any pictures. She hadn’t felt the unwanted comparison to her mother. Then again, there hadn’t been time. It had happened so quickly. A tear of gratitude slid beneath her lashes. They would get better together. For now she’d gotten through the hard part. She and Damien were in their bed.
Damien opened his eyes in time to see the tear on Mia’s face. He’d thought she’d wanted him. A horrible thought struck him. She had wanted him. He’d just failed to satisfy her. He wiped the tear away from her face. “So this is what pity sex feels like?” And he got up and walked away.
Mia’s eyes opened wide and she stared in disbelief at her husband’s retreating back and cried in earnest. This time she couldn’t blame images of her mother. It was her. Damien wasn’t satisfied with her.
For the next few weeks they continued in that fashion, Damien turning to Mia at night, her hoping this would be the night that he’d hold her afterwards, but he never did. In fact, it seemed to her that the time he was in her became shorter, as if he couldn’t stand the thought of making love to her. Now there were no longer even the hungry kisses before or any attempts at caresses. He just entered her, did what he had to do, got up and left the room, leaving her in tears. Inadvertently, Mia had begun cringing when he came near her, afraid that if he touched her, he would move away. She couldn’t bear that. Having him move away from her in bed was bad enough.
* * *
Damien’s key entered the lock and Mia looked at the clock. Two a.m. He was staying longer and longer at the club. They couldn’t continue like this. She knew it. They had to talk, had to make it right.
Mia sat on the edge of the bed waiting for her husband to come into the bedroom. “You’re awake,” Damien said to her as he came in and saw her perched there.
“Yeah, I am,” she answered.
“Why?” She looked up at him, her look speaking to him of the vulnerability and pain in his heart. Usually Mia was asleep when he came home or at least lying in the bed in the dark. Then Damien could come to her, enter her body and not witness the sadness in his wife’s face. Then he could pretend for a few minutes at a time that things were as they should be with them. But with her sitting there facing him, he couldn’t pretend. He headed to the kitchen, then thought better of it. Damien turned back and walked to Mia, dropping to his knees. He encircled her waist with his hands.
“Don’t look at me like that, Mia. I’m not going to hurt you.” He pulled at her, his pulling bringing her closer to the edge of the bed, closer to him.
“What happened to us, Mia? I don’t understand. You loved me when you said
I do
.” He closed his eyes and lowered his head to her lap.
“I still love you.”
“You keep saying that you love me, but I gotta tell you, baby girl, you sure have a hell of a way of showing it. And frankly I don’t believe that you do. I think I deserve a truthful answer. What happened? What did I do?”
He felt the shudder that claimed her body but he didn’t move from his position. Then her hands were on his head and she was caressing him.
“You have to believe me. I didn’t stop loving you, Damien, not even for a second. How could I? You’re a part of my soul.”
“Then what?” He raised his head and looked into her eyes. “We were so damn good together, so hot for each other.” He winced. “Now you can’t stand my touch.”
“That’s not true.”
“Yes, it is,” he insisted. “You cringe whenever I come near. I’ve done my best to make it quick for you. I know you hate it.”
“I don’t.”
“Don’t lie to me, Mia.”
Mia looked down. “I don’t hate your touching me.”
“You don’t like it.”
“I do,” Mia said again and Damien’s mouth dropped in surprise. He glared at her before getting up. He strode angrily about the room, returning to glare at her once more. “Please don’t lie to me. I’ve been with enough…” He stopped himself. “You’ve never had an orgasm, Mia. Don’t lie and tell me that you have.”
“That doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy it.” She looked away from him. “What little there is.”
Damien stared at his wife. If he went crazy she would be the cause. “Mia, what’s going on? How about telling me? I’m sure you’ve told your brother and I don’t like that your brother knows more about what’s going on in our bed than I do.”
“Keefe doesn’t know.”
Hope flared in his chest. “Then you’re telling me that there is a reason?” God, what he wouldn’t give to know why Mia had suddenly turned cold. At least with a reason he stood a chance. He shook his head and blinked. He had to stop glaring at her.
“Are you going to tell me what’s going on, Mia?”
“I want to. I tried to.”
“Then try again. I’m tired of living like this. This is not how I envisioned our life together.” He saw her cringe. “Are you afraid of me? What the hell did I do to bring this on?”
“It’s not you, Damien. It’s me. We both know it. She shook her head and closed her eyes. “I’ve studied about it. I’ve counseled people with similar symptoms, but couldn’t cure myself.” She gazed at him. “I know you’re tired of this, of the way I’ve been acting and you have every right to be. I don’t blame you if you want to leave me. I know I haven’t done anything to make you want to stay. To tell you the truth, I’m pretty tired of our living like this myself.”
Her voice was so sad but it was her words that struck fear in his heart. “Leave you? Hell, Mia, I never thought about leaving you for a minute.”
“You didn’t?”
“Of course I didn’t. Why would you even think that?”
“My mother…she always left.”
“I’m not Lillian, baby. I’m not going anywhere, I promise,” Damien said. “I’m in this for the long haul.” He reached out his hand and pulled it back. “I just want to fix the problem. But I need to know what the problem is.”
“I’ve wanted to tell you for weeks. I’m so ashamed of what happened. I thought if I told you, you would laugh at me or think that I was crazy. I didn’t think you would understand what was happening. I barely understand it myself.”
He pulled her by the hand to the bed and sat beside her. “Talk to me, Mia. I promise I won’t laugh and I won’t think you’re crazy. Tell me what happened.”
“In Vegas when we made love…”
“I definitely want to know what happened in Vegas, but what happened started before we got there. There was something wrong with you the day of our wedding. As much as I want to hear what happened when we made love I think I need to hear it all. Start at the beginning and tell me everything. I know whatever it is happened on our wedding day and if I did do something to you, something that I don’t remember, I want to know what it was.”
She laid her head on his cheek before she began. “Remember before we married and you wanted to make love, I told you I wasn’t a slut? I never told you why not being one was so important to me.” She sniffled. “You told me that our making love once we were married was fine. But I never told you why I was so worried about that.”
“Honestly, I thought you were just kidding. You know…just wanting to make me stop. I never believed you really thought that. Are you saying making love with me made you feel like a slut?”
“Yes,” Mia whispered.
“Why?”
“My mother. I didn’t want to be like her ever.”
Damien blinked before rubbing a finger gently down Mia’s cheek. “Explain, baby.”
“You saw how she behaved, how she was always trying to touch you, how she flirted with your father and Jerry. I’ve told you how many men she’s had. What else do I need to say?”
“A lot more than that.”
“I’m doing as you asked, Damien. I’m telling you from the beginning, but it’s really the reverse of what happened. It was our making love that made me think of all the other things that had happened that day.”
“The sequence doesn’t matter. I just need you to tell me everything that happened that day.” Mia started sobbing and Damien wanted to stop her, tell her she didn’t have to say any more. But that wouldn’t do either of them any good. She needed to get it out and he needed to hear it.
“During our reception when I went looking for you it was because of some awful things I heard my mother saying. I heard her telling Jerry that you were going to dump me. She said that she wished she could see your face when you tried to make love to me.”
“I’m sorry about all that, baby, but your mother, she’s not quite right. She has a problem, it’s so obvious. The stuff she told you was garbage. I told you that. I thought we’d put it all behind us.”
“So did I. She just has a way of getting to me that no one else has. I overheard her say you were dancing with her and you got an erection.” Mia’s eyes closed. “I knew in my heart it wasn’t true, so I went looking for you and found you with Ashleigh. You didn’t even see me. I stood there watching you and you didn’t even look my way.” She sniffled some more and looked away.
Damien was beginning to understand. Things were at last beginning to make some sense. “That’s why you were in the bathroom crying and why Keefe was so damn angry?” He frowned. “There has to be something else. Granted you were upset then, but we went and cut the cake and you were smiling. I can’t remember everything but I do remember you were happy when we first went up to the room. I can see your face perfectly and when you went into the bathroom to change you were happy. What happened then?”
“Nothing. It was just that when I came out you were sleeping. I tried to wake you. I couldn’t believe it was our wedding night and you’d gone to sleep.”
“I passed out.”
“But it was like I couldn’t hold your interest long enough for you to…to…and on our wedding night.”