Mixed Messages (A Malone Mystery) (31 page)

Enough
!
she
told herself
.
You have to go to sleep
.
This is ridiculous
!
You’re a trained psychologist
.
Use the techniques you know
.
Close your eyes
.
Relax
.
Clear your mind of all thoughts
.
Visualize something peaceful and soothing
.
You’re in the pool in Cabo, lying on a float, gazing out at the
sun shimmering over the
Pacific Ocean.
You look up, to your left, and marvel at the majestic cliffs.
When you close your eyes, you can hear
two waiters conversing in Spanish
at the pool bar
and
the distant music as the mariachi band practices
for their dinner performance
.
You reach into the water and splash some on your legs. It
cools
your
burning
skin
.
You’re floating … .

“
Damn it
!”
she said aloud
.
“Give it up
!”
May as well face the facts
:
you can’t sleep
.
She sat up and switched on the bedside table lamp
.
Soft, warm light flooded the room
.
She looked over at the beautiful cherry built-in shelving unit across from her bed
.
I paid a fortune for that, she remembered
.
But it was well worth it
.
Lining the shelves was Susan’s doll collection, a large variety of dolls she’d purchased on her travels all over the world
.

Her eyes scanned the faces of the dolls
.
There were porcelain dolls with large, realistic eyes, cloth dolls with painted or sewn on features and even one doll whose head was made from a coconut
.
S
he
smiled
.
They always had that effect on her; the dolls made her happy
.
Well, I think I more than made up for my childhood, she thought, remembering the one doll she’d had as a child
, a rag doll named Molly
.
I loved Molly so much and, just because I left her lying on my father’s favorite chair that day, she’s gone
.
Daddy tossed her into the fireplace and made me stand there with tears running down my face, watching her burn.

“Maybe now you’ll remember to pick up after yourself,” he’d grumbled.

Well, Daddy, I don’t have to pick up after myself now. I have a housekeeper who does
that for
me, she thought
.
And, living with you in that house, where we had so little in the way of material things and even less in the way of love, I learned a lot
.
I made up my mind, a long time ago, that I was going to be rich when I grew up and that no one would ever again treat me the way you did
.
Mama was cold and distant but you were downright cruel
.
Being poor was one thing but feeling unloved was far worse.

I suppose I owe you a thank you
.
If it hadn’t been for the way
you raised me
, I may not have gone into psychology
.
I was so determined to figure out what made you the way you were
.
It’s turned out very well
.
I love what I do, helping people, and, although I’m not rich, I make a lot of money and I can do and buy pretty much whatever I want
.
These dolls, she thought, are a symbol of my success and my independence
.
Or maybe, a little voice inside her head whispered, they represent the babies you never had
.

She could almost hear her ex-husband’s voice, “We
will
start a family, Susan
.
I promise
.
It’s just not the right time yet
.
Let’s w
ait another year
.
Let’s get established in our careers first and save some money
.
Then, we can
think about having
a child.”

But, she remembered, that year had come and gone and Jack had another excuse. And the
following year there was another excuse and another excuse
.
As her biological clock ticked away, she’d begged, she’d pleaded with him
.
She wanted so badly to have a baby, to be a real family
.
She’d considered tricking him, going off
of
the pill, but somehow she couldn’t bring herself to be that deceitful
.
She wanted him to want a baby too
.

She leaned back against her pillows and stared up at the ceiling
.
What’s wrong with you
tonight? she silently asked herself. Your life is good now; you have everything you ever
wanted
.
You have a thriving practice with an
office on the Eastside and one on the Westside and you’re earning a very good living
.
You have
a gorgeous, spacious home
filled with beautiful antiques and a view overlooking the Ohio River that is to die for.
You have
the freedom and resources to travel whenever and wherever you choose and a wardrobe that most women would kill for
.
So what’s wrong
?
What are you missing?

Tears welled up in her eyes
.
Without
her
consciously thinking it, the words formed on her lips, “I miss having someone to share it all with, someone to love and to love me back,” she whispered
.
The realization hit her like a thunderbolt
.
“Oh, my God
!”
Immediately, she thought of her ex-husband
.
No, it’s not that
.
I don’t miss Jack, she realized
.
I did love him once but he made me miserable most of the time with his lying and his cheating
.
I honestly wouldn’t want him back now
.
What I miss is the way it was when we were first married
.
I miss the companionship
.
I miss having someone to talk to at the end of the day
.

It hurt so badly when he left me for
someone else
that I had to work really hard to get over
that
.
When he married the other woman, it hurt so much but, when
I
found out that they were expecting a baby
, the pain was so intense I wasn’t sure I’d survive
.
Pain was all I knew for so long
.
I never wanted to hurt like that again so I convinced myself that my independence and the peaceful life I created for myself, free from all that turmoil, was enough
.
I wrapped myself in a protective cocoon and that’s where I’ve been all this time
.
At first, it was enough, I guess
.
Maybe it isn’t now
.
Maybe it’s time to venture out and take a chance
.
She thought of the words she’d said to so many of her clients through the years, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”

S
he
got out of bed and
shuffled
down the carpeted hallway to her state-of-the-art kitchen
with its stainless steel appliances and granite countertops
.
As she poured milk into a pan and
heated it on the stove, Ann Kern’s face popped into her head
.
Wow, your mind is really jumping around tonight, she thought
.
She filled
a
coffee mug with warm milk and
went over to her desk
to
retrieve the notes she’d taken
immediately after
her session with Ann
.
She sat at her kitchen table, sipping warm milk and reading her notes
.
Here it is, in black and white, she thought
.
Classic alcoholism
.
There’s no doubt, David Kern is an alcoholic and Ann is suffering from the effects of the disease.

And I told her to clean up the house, dress sexy and seduce him
.
Basically, I told her to do the exact opposite of what she needs to do
.
I put the responsibility for David’s behavior onto her
.
The poor woman must be so frustrated that she can’t see straight
.
And she’s afraid,
she
realized, remembering Ann’s nervous mannerisms and the expression in her eyes as she’d sat across the desk from her
.
There’s no doubt,
she
thought, that
Ann’
s worried about losing her husband
and, like everyone else, knowing that there’s a lunatic out there killing women has her on edge
.
But there’s something else that
she’s
afraid of
.
I just don’t know yet what it is
.

Well, at least I know now what’s got me bothered, she realized
.
That’s why I can’t sleep
.
Good old
fashioned guilt
.
I lost all professionalism with that woman because I was jealous of her
.
She has what I always wanted but don’t have
:
a husband and children to love
.
My God, how could I do that
?
How could I project my feelings for my ex-husband’s girlfriend onto that poor, desperate woman
?
What kind of doctor am I
?

Ann’s not the only one who’s been afraid,
she
admitted to herself
.
I’ve been afraid too
:
afraid to live, afraid to take a chance, afraid of rejection and pain
.
I avoid meeting anyone new
.
How many times have my friends had someone they wanted me to meet
?
H
ow many times have I said, “No”
?
Truth is, I’ve never said, “Yes
.”
Well, it might be too late for me to have children but it’s never too late to find love
.
There are plenty of good men out there but, if I want to meet someone special, I have to start making some changes in my life and the sooner, the better
.

But, first things, first
.
I definitely have to correct this thing with Ann
Kern
as soon as possible, she resolved, gulping the last of her warm milk
.
I owe her a big, fat apology and some real honest to God help
.
S
he
rinsed out her empty mug in the sink and
went
back over to her desk
.
She opened drawers and rummaged through stacks of papers and pamphlets until she found what she was looking for
.
Tomorrow, she decided, I’ll make things right with Ann
.
I’ll do what I should have done in the first place
:
I’ll help her.

Chapter
3
1

Friday,
October 31st

ANN ROLLED OVER ONTO HER SIDE
and watched the lighted numbers on the digital alarm clock on the nightstand next to her bed click to three fifteen, three sixteen, three seventeen
.
There go the minutes of my life, she thought
.
She sighed
.
Is David staying out all night again? she wondered
.
Where is he and what’s he doing
?

“Oh, this is ridiculous!” she said aloud, flipping her pillow over and readjusting her covers, trying to get comfortable
.
If I don’t stop thinking, I’ll never get to sleep
.
You’ve got to get some sleep
, she told herself, but she couldn’t seem to make the thoughts stop
.