I look at their shoes.
It’s an expression,
she says.
What we’re working on Caitlin is empathy.
Is that like emotion?
Sort of.
No thank you. I’m not good with emotion.
All you need to do is imagine how other people are feeling.
Why?
Then you know how to communicate with them.
What if I don’t want to?
Or can’t.
Listen Caitlin. This is important. If they’re happy you can be happy with them. If someone is very sad you should be quiet with them and maybe try to cheer them up a little bit but not start out all loud and happy because that doesn’t match their emotion.
You’re not matching my emotion right now.
Oh? What emotion are you feeling right now?
Kind of annoyed. And bored.
She is quiet for a moment.
That’s more of an attitude than an emotion. Underneath the attitude how are you feeling?
Okay I guess.
Happy?
I don’t know. Maybe confused.
She nods.
This is difficult. Understanding people and finding friends isn’t easy for anyone.
It’s harder for me.
Yes it is.
Isn’t there an easier way to make friends?
You can look for children who are by themselves and might like a friend to play with.
I shake my head.
There aren’t any people by themselves. They all have friends.
They might like to have another friend. And I bet they don’t all have friends. Haven’t you ever seen someone standing alone?
I shrug.
Just one.
Why don’t you talk to that child?
Because it’s me and Devon told me I shouldn’t talk to myself. Not in public anyway.
I think you’re just not seeing them. You have to look at people very carefully.
I’m not good at that.
You need to practice.
I shake my head.
Why not?
That’s a LOT of work.
You can try a little bit at a time.
I sigh.
For example. Look at me.
I do.
Not that way. Look in my eyes.
I sigh and fold my arms.
Fine.
I glance at her eyes. They are black and white and brown. Like Devon’s. I never noticed that before. I’m so surprised that I actually stare instead of looking away.
Good! That’s very good Caitlin! That’s how you show people you’re interested in them and that you’re listening to them. Can you see how happy my eyes are right now?
I nod. I’m still staring at her eyes or where her eyes used to be when she turns her head to look where she’s walking. When she turns back I catch the eyes again and keep staring. I’m getting good at this.
Okay but you don’t have to stare quite so hard or quite so long.
I close my eyes.
You can just look away briefly and then come back to my eyes again.
I do.
Try to make it a little smoother so you don’t look like you’re about to jump on top of me when you stare into my eyes.
See? It’s too hard!
But you did it! All we’re doing now is working on refinement. You just have to keep trying. It’s all about finesse.
Fin-NESS?
Yes.
I like that word. What does it mean?
Doing something tactfully and skillfully while dealing with a difficult situation.
I’m surprised that I’m only learning this word now. This word is all about me! It’s what I’m trying to do every day to Deal With this difficult situation called life.
CHAPTER 15
FINESSE
I STILL HAVEN’T FOUND CLOSURE and I remember that Michael was going to ask his dad. When it’s time for Mrs. Brook to leave I run around the playground looking for him.
Finally I see his red baseball cap over by the slide and run up behind him.
Did you ask your dad about Closure?
He turns around.
Hi Caitlin!
Did you ask your dad about Closure?
Yup.
What did he say?
Let’s play football.
I don’t like football.
No. I mean that’s what my dad said.
What does that have to do with Closure?
I don’t know. That’s how he answers a lot of questions.
Oh. Sometimes grown-ups don’t answer questions.
What’s Closure anyway?
It helps you feel better after someone dies.
Oh. Can I have some?
No because I don’t have any and I don’t know how to get it.
His head droops down. I think this means sad.
But I’m going to find it.
Will you share it with me?
Okay.
He Looks At The Person. His eyes are soft and squishy.
Promise?
I nod.
Scout’s honor?
I Look At The Person too. Hard. How does he know my nickname?
Scout’s honor?
he asks again.
I nod.
Scout’s honor.
That’s when I notice that Michael is wearing overalls. Just like the ones Scout wears in
To Kill a Mockingbird.
Hey! Those are what you wear in
To Kill a Mockingbird!
He frowns.
I don’t kill any birds.
Michael is very smart for such a little kid.
That’s good,
I tell him
, because you shouldn’t.
Then why did you say it?
It’s what Scout wears in
To Kill a Mockingbird.
It’s a movie.
Ohhh.
I stare at his overalls.
What do they feel like?
He looks down at his chest then rubs his hand across the pocket.
Sort of like jeans. You can feel them if you want.
He sticks his chest out toward me.
I shake my head.
I was wondering if the straps hurt or if the waist part is too loose and gets airy and cold.
He shrugs.
They feel okay to me.
He puts his hand behind his neck.
I don’t like this sweatshirt though. It’s got a sticky-outy tag.
I hate those!
I tell Michael
. You should get the ones that don’t have any tags. That’s what I get.
Dad bought me some new clothes but he isn’t very good at it. Not like my mom.
You just have to tell him what you want. I wear sweatpants and a long-sleeved T-shirt every day. Except in summer. Then my sweatpants and T-shirts are short sleeved. The T-shirt can be any color. I don’t care as long as it’s not yellow or gold or mossy green or pukey green or poopy green
—That makes Michael start giggling—
or any kind of pink because those colors make me feel sick. And it can only be one color because I don’t like colors running into each other. And there can’t be writing on the T-shirt or people will read it and I don’t want them looking at me. And the long-sleeve T-shirts can’t have scratchy cuffs. And none of the T-shirts can have tags in the back or collars. Or stripes. Or pockets. Or zigzag stitching. Or double stitching. Now my dad knows and he says I’m such a breeze to buy for.
Michael giggles again.
I smile just like I do when Dad says it because even though I don’t know what he means exactly I do know that breezes are nice so it must be good.
Then I notice Michael’s face.
Have you been eating dirt,
I ask him.
He frowns and shakes his head.
Only William H. eats dirt.
I know. So what’s that brown stuff on your face?
He puts his hand on his face and rubs it around then looks at his fingers.
Frosting!
He grins and licks his fingers.
From the birthday cupcakes.
Is it your birthday?
No. It’s Shauna’s. My birthday is in October. I think. Or it’s November. Which one has Halloween in it?
October. That’s my favorite holiday.
Mine too! Except for my birthday. I’ll be seven! That’s old.
I’m about to tell him that seven is still a baby but then I remember about finesse so all I say is,
I’ll be eleven next month.
Wow! You’re really old! You must know a lot of stuff.
I do. But some stuff I just learned about. Like finesse.
What’s that?
It’s hard to explain but it’s something I have a lot of.
Oh.
Do you want me to burp my ABCs?
I ask him.
Can you do that?
I nod.
Do it! Do it!
So I do and he stares at me with his mouth open until I get to XYZ and then he falls on the ground giggling.
Can I get my friends and you do it for them?
Is Josh one of your friends?
He shakes his head as I remember that it’s second recess so Josh is already inside.
Okay. Sure.
I watch and see how he gets his friends. He touches them but doesn’t grab. He Looks At The Person but he doesn’t get in their Personal Space. He also calls out to some of his friends who are playing and pulls his hands toward his chest several times. Then he points at me and starts running toward me. And it’s like his friends are tied to him with string because they run to him from all directions until they all end up in front of me.
This is my friend Caitlin,
Michael says.
I feel proud to hear him say that.
She can burp her ABCs!
No way!
Really?
You can?
Do it!
And I do. They think I am awesome. And we make other noises and roll our tongues and cross our eyes and wiggle our ears and hop in a circle and before I know it the bell rings and they all run to the teacher.
I feel like Snow White because now I have a bunch of little dwarf friends who love me. I may not know how Scout’s overalls feel but I think I know how Snow White’s shoes feel because now I know why Snow White was happy.
CHAPTER 16
THE LIST
I’M BACK IN DEVON’S ROOM staring up at SCOUT carved into the wood and seeing my special name makes me feel good. Devon said his favorite part in
To Kill a Mockingbird
is where Scout talks to the crowd of angry men and makes them go away. All she says is hi and that she knows their kids from school. Then all the angry men leave. I don’t Get It. But Devon says that’s exactly what I’m like because I say stuff that’s obvious and people go,
Oh,
and it makes them think. He says I can solve a lot of problems just by being like Scout. Except I haven’t found Closure. I wonder if I’m more like Scout will I be able to find Closure? Dad said no about the Scout haircut but maybe I could dress like Scout. I suck on my sleeve and wonder if I could wear Scout overalls like Michael. I wonder what Devon would say about Scout overalls?
After a while I decide to get my Dictionary even though I’ve looked up Closure thirty-seven times and it still doesn’t help. I crawl out of my hidey-hole to go to my room and I see the woodworking books on the floor and read them instead. I see new words that sound cool like dado and kerf and tenon and mortise. I finish the three woodworking books which are pretty short and the Scout manual. I look under Devon’s comforter that’s on the floor to see if there are any other books. There aren’t. But there’s a piece of spiral notebook paper with Devon’s handwriting.
It says
EAGLE SCOUT PROJECT
on top.
Underneath it says,
Mission-style chest with two shelves and one door.
Then there’s a list:
Quarter-cut oak
Circular saw or table saw
Plane
Router
Saber saw
Drill
Bar clamps or pipe clamps
Woodworker’s glue
Sander
Wood screws
Hinges
Tack cloth
Wipe-on polyurethane varnish
Protective eyeglasses and ear protection
And at the very bottom it says this:
Practice teaching woodworking steps to Scout. Once
she gets it, set up meeting to teach troop.
I stare at the paper. He was going to teach me woodworking. And I realize that he taught me everything I know and now I may never Get anything ever again because he’s not here to teach me.
I don’t feel good in this room anymore so I go get my purple fleece and wrap it around me and go to the living room. I get partly under the sofa cushion but leave an opening so I can stare out at Devon’s chest.
Dad sits down on the floor next to me. I can see his work pants and boots.
Are you okay?
I stare at the chest.
He sighs. His hands drop onto his legs and he sighs again.
Listen. Caitlin. It’ll be your birthday before long. What would you like to do?
Last year Devon took me to the mall. Limited Too. He said I need to wear clothes that don’t make me look weird. He told me which clothes they were. I didn’t like the first seventeen tops he picked.
The first one was pink. Pink is the color of medicine and feels drippy and sicky.
The second one had a tag that itched.
The third one felt like carnivorous dinosaur skin and I would be eaten alive.
The fourth one had a stripe at an angle and was evil.
It’s not evil,
Devon said.
It’s evil, evil, evil!
I said, and I screamed until he put his hand over my mouth and I bit his finger hard and he tried to get his finger out of my mouth but I wouldn’t let him until I saw the tears coming out of his eyes. He crumpled on the floor holding his finger tight and his face went red and I realized for the first time that Devon feels pain.