Moo (57 page)

“Just a minute,” said Mrs. Walker. She could hear an almost audible click as her fabled intuition locked into place. “Ivar?” She nearly whispered, but the five suits froze, like dogs hearing a distant whistle. “If I’m not mistaken, this is the very person you want to speak to.”

“Who is it?” said Ivar, eagerly.

Mrs. Walker shrugged and moved her finger so that it touched the hang-up button on the telephone like a trigger. After a significant nanosecond, she looked into the eyes of Just Plain Brown. His smile disappeared as if it had never been there, and the knowledge that he was the hostage shot around the group of men like an electrical signal. Ivar suppressed a smile, Nils’ face relaxed, the university lawyer adopted a mask of neutrality, and the president looked from Just Plain Brown to Mrs. Walker, then back, understanding at once the very high price someone was about to pay. He sucked his teeth for a second,
then smiled. That someone, after all, didn’t have to be him. He said, “Mrs. Walker, I don’t think your value to this university can be overestimated, really. Wouldn’t you agree, Fred?”

The university lawyer gave a deliberate nod.

Mrs. Walker took that as a promise.

But then, just for a second, she wondered if she really did want to save them. She could see the certainty that they would be saved return to their faces as fast as their neurons could carry it, so quickly that maybe none of them would remember this pivotal, even definitive, moment. Her finger trembled on the button with the very force of her dilemma. What was best? What did they deserve?

Mrs. Loraine Walker glanced at Ivar. He, of all of them, looked as if he didn’t know the answer to that question. For that, and for that alone, she moved her finger off the trigger and held out the phone to him.

State Journal
, April 23, 1990: In a surprise move, Governor Orville T. Early today eased the two-month-old budget crisis at the state university by repealing a measure that would have reverted FY 89 funds already allocated to the university back to the state. The funds, amounting to some $3 million, will enable the university to avert the widespread layoffs and program cuts that were expected to take effect early next week. In addition, the governor held out the hope that he would reinstate funds reverted earlier in the fall, and also allow the university budget to grow slightly in FY 90. He suggested, however, that “The people of the state are watching those pinheads, and they had better watch their step.” When asked if he meant “eggheads,” a common term for university intellectuals, Governor Early said, “Pinheads, eggheads, knuckleheads, what’s the difference?”

When asked whether the revelation of a recent bequest to the university of the design for a revolutionary new piece of farm machinery played a role in his decision, the governor said, “Education is a top priority in this state, and with this governor. But God helps those who help themselves, doesn’t He?” Bids for the right to develop and manufacture the machine, the brainchild of an independent farmer-inventor who recently died from the complications of a stroke, have come from as far away as Japan and Korea. Said Dr. Nils Harstad, dean of extension, “After having almost daily contact with Mr. Stroop, the inventor, over the last few years, I know how thrilled he would be at the interest of these legendary companies in his homely efforts. Our state is certainly a land of opportunity, even in these restricted times.”

You are hereby authorized to hire a work-study student, as per your request of September 30, 1989, on a half-time basis. Funds in the amount of two thousand dollars will be allocated to the Women’s Studies budget
as of July 1. Please notify this office of the name and status of your hiree before June 15.

Memo

From: Helen

To: Cecelia

I am notifying all faculty members with first- and second-year language sections that class size will revert to twenty-five students as of the beginning of the summer session. Hooray! Also, Cecelia, I would like for you to serve on the university parking committee next fall. Please let me know.

Memo

From: Professor M. Bell

To: Provost’s Office

I have hired Mary Jackson, SSN 453-89-1234, as my work-study for the fall.

Thanks, Mrs. Walker!

Letter

Mrs. Bo Jones

147 Red Stick Circle

Dear Mrs. Jones,

We regret to inform you that we have been unable to make contact with your husband, Dr. Bo Jones, since he was last seen in the city of Samarkand, Uzbekistan, USSR, thirty days ago. Soviet officials report that the present turmoil in the Soviet Union had become a severe hindrance in their efforts to locate Dr. Jones or his companions. Please let me know
immediately
if you receive any word from your husband.

Yours truly,

Richard Wagner

Liaison Officer

United States Department of State

Letter

Mr. Loren Stroop

RR 2

Auburn

You May Already Be a Winner!

In only a few weeks, MR. STROOP, you could receive a check for $10 million! What are your dreams, MR. STROOP? Mail in your entry today, and your dreams, LOREN, could come true!

Memo

From: Elaine

To: Ivar

Ivar, please authorize the transfer of my secretary, William Bartle, to another office. His “preference” for not doing any work is causing gridlock over here. Matters are at an impasse.

[handwritten]

Mrs. Walker, I’m begging!!!!!! Please!!!!!!

Memo

From: Chairman of the Horticulture Department

To: Hort Interns

We will have our first meeting at the new garden site beside the bus barns on Tuesday at 4:30. I urge you to accept the extremely unpromising nature of this site as a challenge. Our preliminary surveys of the spot show that the soil is mostly clay, and remarkably compacted. Part of the site was originally a wetland, which was filled in in the 1950s with some waste matter from the university. We have not yet determined the composition of the fill, but given the university’s checkered past, we may be in for an ugly surprise. The good news is that the state Department of Natural Resources has agreed to help fund cleanup of the site and restoration of the original wetland area. I have also just received word that an adjoining tract of some three hundred acres has been sold to the Nature Conservancy. Our “garden” may look considerably different when we are finished from our former garden outside Old Meats, but the possibilities are exciting ones. Please bring any preliminary ideas and sketches to the Tuesday meeting.

N.B.: Although Professor Leopold will assume chairmanship of the department on July 1, I will remain in charge of the gardens, so you can rest assured that the plans we agree upon WILL go forward. I know some of you have been wondering about this.

Memo

From: Cecelia

To: Helen

Okay, I’ll serve on the committee. Hey, did you really just get married?

Letter

Mr. Richard Wagner

Liaison Officer

Department of State

Dear Mr. Wagner,

Although I have had no word from my husband, I did receive a call today from Cabela’s sporting goods in Kearney, Nebraska, telling me that they have received the iced carcass of an adult male boar, apparently from my husband. It was shot on April 15, according to the note. It was sent from Kabul, Afghanistan. I asked them about the text of the note, but they said it just said, “Hi from Kabul. Regards, Dr. Bo.” I gave Cabela’s permission to have the carcass stuffed before it deteriorates, so you will have to contact them if you think you can find clues to his whereabouts.

Thanks for your help.

Mrs. Carla Jones

Note

Keri,

Divonne got that fellowship to West Africa after all, so even though our apartment was back on, now it’s off again, and my sister won’t let me move out of Dubuque House anyway, so is your apartment thing, you know, FINAL? I talked to the R.A. and he said we can have the room again next year but at least two of the present roommates have to commit to staying here. Plus all that, you know, really, I do like you, even though I know you don’t think I do. I’m sure we can work things out (this is awkward), but let me know, because I have to get back to the R.A. tomorrow—

M.

Memo

From: Provost’s Office

To: Dean, Clemson School of Art and Design

Please remove from the cemetery at once the artwork entitled
Balloon Pig
. This office is fully aware that the artistic apotheosis of this work, namely the projected exploding of the “pig” on May 1 that has been advertised in the
Daily
, is intended to be a revolutionary “statement” on a number of issues that have affected the campus this year. However, it is the opinion of this office that the litter resulting from the fact that the “pig” is stuffed with play money, and from the thirty-foot-in-diameter membrane itself, would prove onerous to the maintenance staff as well as destructive to the wildlife on and around the campus. And, Jan, it is my personal opinion that this thing is an eyesore. It has to go.

Mrs. Loraine Walker

Letter

Mr. Asa Barker

Collegiate Properties

4567 Red Stick Boulevard

Dear Mr. Barker,

This is to inform you that even though you won’t return my deposit, I feel that I must break the lease, and so I will not be living in your apartment in the fall. I’m sorry. I’d like to say that I don’t think you have been very understanding in this matter.

Very sincerely yours,

Keri Donaldson

Memo

From: Mrs. Loraine Walker

To: Dr. Lionel Gift

Sorry, Dr. Gift, I cannot reschedule the audit of your university accounts. Please bring your papers to my office at 10 a.m. Friday morning as originally scheduled.

“I’
LL HAVE,”
said Dr. Lionel Gift with the sort of self-confidence that always gave Elaine Dobbs-Jellinek a prickling feeling on the soles of her feet, “the warm salad of field greens, with just a little balsamic vinegar on the side, no oil, and the seared medallions of salmon with the tomato-dill coulis. And bring a bottle of, let’s see, the Cakebread ’87 Chardonnay. Elaine?”

As much as Elaine wanted to appear as though lunches like this one were routine for her, she also wanted to eat something that she would never eat again, fatty, caloric, expensive, and trendy, something like the ballotine of rabbit in a Madeira-truffle-tomato essence. She liked all of those words, from “ballotine” (which she imagined to be a golden box of puff pastry) to “essence,” except for the word “rabbit.” The waiter issued a small breathy noise, the sort of noise inaudible to Dr. Lionel Gift, who was greeting people right and left, but intended to remind Elaine in clarion terms that he, the waiter, was urgently needed at many other tables. “How are the crabcakes?” said Elaine.

“Excellent, of course,” purred the waiter.

And there it was. She said, “Oh, yes. I’ll have the lobster claw meat in a ragout of champagne, morel mushrooms, and cream.”

“Excellent choice, madame.” At last he went away.

“And how are your meetings going, my dear?” remarked Dr. Lionel Gift, spreading his napkin in his lap. “Yes, hello, Howard. The Hay-Adams. Call me there.”

“Oh, wonderfully well,” said Elaine, all the time ignoring the fact that while Dr. Lionel Gift was staying at the Hay-Adams, she was out at the Hilton in Alexandria with what appeared to be defense contractors, and low-level ones at that. She happened to know that Jack Parker was in New York, at the Regency. She gave herself a mental shake. “Wonderfully well. Especially with the people from—”

“Yes, Fred. I did leave a message with your secretary. Will you be
in after two? Ah, here we are. I think you’ll like this chardonnay, Elaine. It has a nice spice. Very good, thank you.”

“Embryos R Us. Oh, this is good. I like chardon—”

“Marvin! Nice to see you. Yes, the conference in Miami was quite productive. You’ll be sorry you missed it!” Dr. Gift gave one of his sudden fearsome chuckles, and Elaine’s toes curled in pleasure.

For his part, Dr. Gift was not at all immune to Ms. Dobbs-Jellinek’s charms. It only took 10 percent of his brainpower to stroke the passing lobbyists and consultants and with the other 90 percent he was surreptitiously admiring the woman. He didn’t often squire such a nicely wrapped package. From the Fendi bag to the Donna Karan suit right down to the two-inch Cole-Haan heels (which made her a respectable four inches taller than Dr. Gift), and including the Burberry raincoat he had checked for her at the door, she looked fresh and expensive and he hadn’t failed to note the admiring glances of men of his acquaintance who, he also suspected, gossiped about whether he, Dr. Lionel Gift, was gay or sexless. Well, he was neither, and he knew perfectly well how to touch a woman’s waist as you were steering her to her seat and how to put your hand delicately on her elbow when other men were pushing past.

And when the waiter brought her dish, her face lit up in a way that was both girlish and attractive. All in all, it was a good decision to bring her here, the most expensive restaurant in Washington, and he would deal with Mrs. Loraine Walker later—she didn’t scare him, not for a moment. He had charged more than one two-hundred-dollar lunch to his research account and he didn’t intend to stop now. The fact was, and he could make this clear to Ivar himself, he was a walking magnet for grant money and his every waking and sleeping moment benefitted the university in some way or other.

When the food came, Elaine gave up the hopeless task of making conversation and picked up her fork. The fact was that she had never really been attracted to Dr. Gift before. She took her first bite of the lobster and glanced over at him. The food was so good, so savory and rich and full of flavor, that he practically shone with sudden sexiness, short, round, and bald though he was. She chewed the tender meat and sucked out the juices and felt the sauce coat her tongue and roll down her throat. After that, he looked still better.