Moon Shell Beach: A Novel (14 page)

TWENTY

J
esse hadn’t slept over, and as Clare stretched, warm and healthy in her bed, a piercing sadness, like resonant chords from an oboe, strummed through her. She’d been dreaming of babies, Penny’s baby, the fantasy baby she and Jesse might have some day…

Closing her eyes, she rolled on her side, pulling the down comforter to her shoulders. It was still early. Could she fall back to sleep? Sensing something, she opened her eyes again and found herself staring right into Ralph’s bright doggy eyes. Ralph saw Clare’s gaze and sat up straight, quivering with her efforts to be patient. Clare was trying to make the animal belong to her father, but her father always shut Ralph out of his bedroom, so she slept in the hallway, tiptoeing into Clare’s room at the first sound of Clare stirring. She was such a good-natured animal; she tried so hard not to pester Clare.

“Good morning, Ralphie.” Clare reached out an arm and stroked the dog’s head. “Okay. You’re right. We should go to the beach.”

Clare pulled on jeans and a long-sleeved tee, tied on sneakers, put Ralph in the van, and drove out to Fisherman’s Beach. Her father was pretty good about walking Ralph twice a day, but no matter how Clare urged him to, he never took the dog out for a good run. Besides, she loved the deserted beach at this time of day; it was like the world was starting fresh, full of light and surging tide and spangling air. At eight o’clock, the beach would start filling up with swimmers and sunbathers who didn’t welcome unleashed dogs. But this early in the morning, Ralph ran free.

She loved watching her. Ralph was fascinated and terrified by the ocean. She’d bark hysterically at it, all four legs nearly lifting off the ground in her excitement, and when a wave receded, she’d chase after it, triumphantly wagging her tail, nearly yodeling with exultation. When the waves came surging back in, Ralph always stood frozen for a moment, puzzling over this rebound of bravery on the sea’s part, but when the cold water touched her paws, she’d turn and race up the shore toward Clare, and she’d actually try to hide behind Clare’s legs. Clare would bend to pet her and reassure her, and Ralph would shake out her coat and go into an “I’m just walking here” act, strolling along next to Clare, eyeing the perplexing surf, until optimism once again overcame her and she rushed out to chase another wave back to its place.

Farther down the beach a man was walking, accompanied by a couple of dogs. After a moment, Ralphie spotted them, too, and immediately she bounded toward the dogs, wagging her tail so heartily her entire body undulated.

“Good morning, Clare!” Adam Laney waved at her. “What a day!” He wore swim trunks and a T-shirt and his honey-brown hair was wet.

“Hi, Adam. Don’t tell me you’ve been swimming. Isn’t the water too cold?”

“I like it this way. It’s refreshing.” Adam gestured toward the dogs. They were tearing into a clump of seaweed, lured by the various smelly bits caught inside. “They’re going to need baths.”

“Baths?” Clare echoed in consternation. “Gad. I don’t know if I can manage that before I get to work.” She thought of dog hair in the bathtub, smelly towels on the floor.

“I just aim the garden hose at them and soak them down. Gets the salt off their coats, too. Leave them in the backyard to dry off in the sun.”

“Ah. Thanks for the tip.” She smiled up at him.

“So your father likes his dog?”

“Ralph. He named her Ralph.” They both laughed. “I can’t say he’s wild about her, but he is dutiful. He feeds her and takes her out twice a day. And she hangs out with him when I’m at work, so I know he has some kind of company.”

The dogs were on their backs, rolling in the seaweed. “That’s enough, you jokers.” Adam whistled and clapped his hands. His dogs immediately sprang to attention. Ralph looked up, curious. “Let’s walk,” he urged the dogs.

Clare matched her gait to Adam’s as they continued along the beach. The dogs raced around, bumping into Clare and Adam’s legs, chasing one another, tails wagging, ears flapping, tongues flying.

“Life is so simple for them,” Clare said musingly.

“And not for you?”

She felt Adam’s gaze on her face. All her senses flipped to red alert. The space between her arm and his as they walked seemed glittery with the electricity of attraction. “Well…”

Adam asked, “I’ve got a thermos of coffee up by the dune. Want to share it?”

“Great!”

They sat cross-legged on the sand, side by side, looking out at the ocean. Adam unscrewed the plastic top, poured the cup full, and offered it to Clare.

As she took it from him, their arms bumped. Clare felt herself flush. She brought the cup to her mouth, remembering all those years ago, when just the possession of an apple his lips had touched made her pulse race.

“You were saying…” Adam prompted.

“Oh, well, Adam…I guess I keep thinking about family. My parents were both so cerebral I’m surprised they managed to keep me alive through infancy.”

Adam laughed. “Your father was a great teacher. Your mother was a fine artist. And you turned out pretty well, in spite of everything.”

She looked at him. “Thanks.” She met his eyes. His gaze was gentle. “I want a lot of children,” she confessed, then immediately felt surprised at herself and flustered by the way she blurted out such an intimate thought. She lifted sand in the palms of her hands and let it run through her fingers. “I mean, I want to have children and be a better parent to them than my parents were to me.”

“Does Jesse want children?” Adam asked. He stared out at the horizon.

Clare chuckled. “I’m not sure Jesse’s through being a child himself.”

“But you believe he will be, one day.”

Clare traced her fingers in the sand. “Honestly? I don’t know.” Guilt flooded her. She felt as if she were betraying Jesse, talking about him this way. She changed the course of the conversation. “Do
you
want children?”

Again, Adam remained silent instead of answering. Clare looked over at him. His profile was strong, his nose broken from a football injury, his lashes long and dark.

“I don’t know, Clare. I suppose if I met the right woman.”

“What about Melanie Clark?” Clare asked, and she could tell she was turning beet red at her intrusiveness.

“What about her?”

“Well, you’re dating her…”

“Not anymore.” He didn’t explain, but tilted the cup, sipped more coffee, then handed it to her. “You can have the rest.” He rose, brushed sand off his shorts, and walked down to the water’s edge, whistling to the dogs. He threw sticks into the water for them. They plunged ecstatically into the waves, lunging back out with sticks in their mouths, while Ralphie stayed on the shore, jumping up and down in her odd four-legged way and barking.

He’s certainly good with dogs, Clare thought. He’s made himself a kind of family already with his dogs. And he’s not dating Melanie anymore. She wondered what that was about.

And why did she care?

A few hundred yards away, a group of energetic early-morning swimmers stalked through the sand to the sea. Clare downed the last sip of coffee, screwed the lid back on the thermos, and rose. She walked down to join Adam.

“I’ve got to get back,” she told him.

“Mmm, me too.” His legs were muscular, hairy, freckled with sand. The wet dogs shook themselves, spraying Adam and Clare with drops of cold water. “Now we’ll both need showers.”

Clare thought of him in the shower. Naked. She thought of them both in the shower, together, naked.

“I, um, my car’s parked up that way.”

He pointed in the other direction. “My car’s up that way.”

“Well, thanks for the coffee.” Why was she finding it so hard to pull herself away? “Maybe if you’re here tomorrow, I could bring coffee…” She wasn’t quite sure what she was talking about, what she was offering or what she wanted.

His eyes were calm on her face. “Or not. It’s nice just to walk with you.”

What if I jumped on you, wrapped my legs around you, and kissed you, would
that
be nice? Clare thought. Being in his presence was like being caught up in an undertow; it was taking all she had simply to breathe. “Okay, then,” she managed to say. Ralphie slammed into her legs, nearly knocking her over. She was grateful for the interruption.

“Come on, Ralphie,” she said, and bent to clip the leash on her collar. “So, well, bye.” She didn’t quite meet Adam’s eyes. No more intense mutual gazes if she was going to walk off this beach.

“Bye, Clare.” He clapped his hands and his dogs came to heel.

Clare watched him for a moment. She felt unaccountably buoyed up. “Come on, Ralphie,” she urged, and ran along the beach, in and out of the waves, as if she were a child, and Ralphie, emboldened by Clare’s company, jumped and barked and ran next to her, bounding with joy.

TWENTY-ONE

I
n Lexi’s dreams, a man was kissing her. In the irrational way of dreams, the man was both Jesse and not Jesse. The kiss was compelling, intoxicating, surrounding her in an endless warm sea of pleasurable sensation.

She woke, feeling relaxed and supple in her limbs. She stretched luxuriously, allowing herself to take her time rising up out of the dream. For a while she lay on her side, gazing at the strip of sun falling across the pine floor. She allowed herself to sense the day—it would be a good day, windless, bright, and sunny.

Suddenly she was full of energy and plans. In a flash she was out of bed, pulling on her painting clothes. She made coffee and carried a mug downstairs, where she set it on a counter and began to organize herself to paint the cubicles. She taped plastic over the wood floors, pried the lid off the paint can with a screwdriver, set up her little aluminum ladder, and picked up her brush. Hours later, she remembered her coffee.

By noon she’d finished painting. Her wrists and back ached from crouching and stretching to reach all the corners. She had to get out into the fresh day. Pulling on a sweater, she drifted out her back door.

The bright light of the late-spring sun on the blue waters dazzled her, almost made her dizzy. She took a deep breath of the salty air. The tide was in, lapping gently at the rocky bulkhead. A pair of mallards floated idly past, and across the way, on one of the stanchions at the town pier, a cormorant stood with his wings spread. The tide had washed a line of dark seaweed up along the curve of beach. Several gulls waddled along, inspecting the tangled mass for any live shellfish. A man in a brilliantly colored wet suit paddled a kayak away from shore. She shivered. He’d be cold out on the water.

A small figure sat very still on the end of the town pier, arms hugging her knees to her chest, facing out steadily toward the Brant Point lighthouse and the channel opening to the Sound. She seemed forlorn. Lexi walked over the low shelf of pebbles until she reached the beach, then she squelched her way over the sodden sand toward the town pier. The old weathered boards made a knocking noise as she went down the pier, passing rowboats, sailboats, and launches, all tied up, resting in the quiet water.

When she reached the end, she saw that the girl was Jewel Chandler, the precocious child who had spoken to her at the concert.

“Jewel?”

The girl turned. An attempt had been made to tame her curly red hair into braids tied with green tartan ribbons. She wore cargo pants, a green sweater, and a fleece jacket.

“Oh. Hello, Miss Laney.” She didn’t smile. Behind her tortoiseshell glasses, her eyes were very serious.

“Mind if I join you?”

“Okay.” Jewel looked back toward the water.

Lexi sat on the cool splintery boards, folding her long legs Indian-style. “School’s out?”

“Teacher’s meeting.”

“Ah. So you’re here…”

“I’m waiting for my father.”

Jewel’s father—Tristram Chandler. The newspapers had reported that identifying numbers had confirmed that the boat washed up on a Maine shore was the one Tris was sailing. So far there had been no sign of the man’s body.

“Jewel, I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t need to be. I know he’ll come back. That’s why I’m here. Waiting for him.” The girl kept her eyes on the horizon.

Lexi studied the girl’s face. “Does your mother know you’re here?”

Jewel flashed a quick, impatient glance at Lexi. “Of course.”

“And she doesn’t mind? I suppose you know how to swim. I mean, what if you fell in?”

“I’m an excellent swimmer. And I have no intention of falling in.”

“How long will you sit here?”

“Till dark. Then Mom says I have to go home.”

“Won’t you get bored?”

“Bored?” Jewel sounded incredulous. “No, I won’t get bored.” Her shoulders slumped. “I do get tired. I didn’t know that hoping was such hard work.”

Oh, dear, Lexi thought, hadn’t anyone explained to the child how little chance there was that her father was still alive? “But it’s spring,” Lexi said softly. “Don’t you have things to do?”

Jewel gave Lexi an indulgent glance. “I’m a child, not a brain surgeon.”

Lexi grinned. “Still. Don’t you want to, oh, ride your bike? Build sand castles? Eat ice cream cones?”

Jewel gave this some thought. “Yes. I would like to do all those things. But this is more important. When my dad comes home, I want him to see me waiting here. I want him to know we’ve always been waiting for him, every minute.”

Admiration and pity twisted Lexi’s heart. “Well, do you like to read?”

Jewel nodded, the first sign she’d shown of eagerness. “I love to.”

“What are your favorite books?”

“Harry Potter, of course. And anything by Madeline L’Engle. And I know it’s light, but I do enjoy Nancy Drew.”

“Oh, I loved Nancy Drew!”

Jewel nodded. “I guess I could bring a book. I guess that would be okay.” She sounded as old and jaded as Dorothy Parker. “I’ll have to think about it. I wouldn’t want to not be hoping.”

The child was so vulnerable, so determined. Such a little girl, facing the mysteries of the sea. “Maybe I could help you hope.”

Jewel looked surprised. “Really? That would be cool. I mean, my mom isn’t hoping, why should she, she’s got a new husband and baby.” She gave Lexi an assessing stare. “I don’t discuss this with just anyone.”

Lexi bit her tongue to keep from smiling at the child’s solemnity. “I understand.”

“It would be nice if you helped,” Jewel decided. She stared back at the water. “You could visit me now and then.”

Lexi was flattered. “I could bring you an ice cream cone.”

“Really? That would be awesome.” For just a moment, Jewel sounded like a child.

A Boston Whaler chugged in toward the pier. A fisherman clad in waders waved at Jewel. So everyone knows about Jewel’s vigil, Lexi thought. Everyone will help look after her.

“I’ve got to get back to work. My shop is right over there. Come by if you need anything.”

Jewel nodded. “Thank you.”

Lexi pushed herself to her feet. “I’ll see you soon.” She strode away, then turned back. “Good luck!”

“Thank you,” Jewel said, tossing a smile over her shoulder.

Lexi wandered away, down toward the salt marshes where the harbor dwindled into creeks and sandy beaches. Had she done the wrong thing, she wondered, offering to help hope that Jewel’s father was alive? Jewel was old enough to know about death. She was old enough to know about probabilities. She’d grown up on the island; she had to know that people drowned, that the sea was cruel and careless, that nature had no interest in any child’s hopes.

And yet, how does anyone live without hope? Jewel was hoping for her father; Lexi was hoping to someday meet the love of her life. Would they be happier if they believed neither man would ever appear? The sea was cruel and careless, true, but it also was full of miracles. Sometimes, Lexi thought, you had to take a stand. Reality or hope. For today at least, she chose hope.