More Baths Less Talking (12 page)

I
n April 2010, I was a tragic victim of the volcanic ash cloud that grounded all flights into, out of, and across Europe for a few days. I am sure that other people have hard-luck stories, too: weddings, births, and funerals were missed, job opportunities went begging, feckless husbands given one last chance got home to find their underwear strewn across the street, and so on. Mine, however, was perhaps more poignant than any of them: my family, stranded in Tenerife, was unable to celebrate my fifty-third birthday with me. Can you imagine? Of all the birthdays to miss, it had to be the one I was looking forward to the most. All my life I had wondered what it would be like to turn fifty-three, to open presents
suitable for a fifty-three-year-old—something from the excellent Bald Guyz
*
range of beauty products, for example, or a Bruce Springsteen box set—while an adoring family looked on. Well, my adoring family was stranded on an island in the Mediterranean, in a hotel that apparently laid on a chocolate fountain for breakfast. When they eventually made it home, my birthday was clearly an event to be celebrated when it came around again in 2011, rather than retrospectively. I have therefore decided, perhaps understandably, that this April I will be turning fifty-three again. It's not a vanity thing; it's simply that I'm owed a birthday.

Back in 2010, I had to make do with the cards I'd been dealt, and the cards were these: a small group of friends bought me champagne, which we drank in my garden on a beautiful spring evening, at a time when I would usually be embarking on some terrible, strength-sapping, pointless fight about, say, shampoo and/or bedtime; the same friends then took me to a favorite local restaurant and gave me presents. You can see why I might feel bitter even to this day.

Three of the presents my friends had bought me were book-shaped, and, miraculously, given the lack of deferred gratification in my book-buying life, I wanted to read them all, and didn't own any of them. I got a lovely first edition of Mordecai Richler's
The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz
, a copy of
Game Change: Obama and the Clintons, McCain and Palin, and the Race of a Lifetime
by John Heilemann and Mark Halperin, and Marc Norman's history of screenwriting,
What Happens Next
. Is it too late and too hurtful to say that my fifty-third birthday was perhaps the best ever?

Several months later, and I have finally read one of the three, even though I wanted to read all three of them immediately. (What happened in between? Other books, is what happened. Other books, other moods, other obligations, other appetites, other reading journeys.)
Game Change
, as you may or may not know, is about the 2008 election in the U.S., and appeared in a couple of the best-of-year lists here in the U.K., so I was reminded that I owned it; when I read it, I was reminded that politicians are unlike anyone I have ever met in my life.

Maybe some of you know politicians. Maybe you hang out with them, went to school with them, exchange Christmas cards with them. I'm guessing not, though. Politicians tend not to hang out with people like you, almost by definition. Typically, someone interested enough in the arts to be reading the
Believer
has spent a lot of time doing things that disqualify you not only from a career in politics, but from even knowing people who have a career in politics. While you were smoking weed, sleeping around, listening to Pavement, reading novels, watching old movies, and generally pissing away every educational opportunity ever given to you, they were knocking on doors, joining societies, reading the
Economist
, and being very, very careful about avoiding people and situations that might embarrass them later. They are the people who were knocking on your door five minutes after you arrived at college, asking for your vote in the forthcoming student-representative election; you thought they were creeps, and laughed at them behind their backs. Meanwhile, they thought you were unserious and unfocused, and patronized you irritatingly if you ever had cause to be in the same room. I hope that, however old you are, you have already done enough to kill any serious political ambition. If you haven't wasted huge chunks of your life on art, booze, and soft drugs, then you've wasted huge chunks of your life, and we don't want you around here. Go away.

Many of the characters in
Game Change
are quite clearly creeps. They are not portrayed as creeps, for the most part. John Heilemann and Mark Halperin obviously like the people who want to govern us, and their book, which is an unavoidable, enthralling mix of the gossipy and the profoundly significant, reflects this affection.
And yet I defy anyone from around these parts to read this book without thinking, over and over again, Who are these people? There's John Edwards, of course, whose affair with the extraordinary Rielle Hunter was conducted more or less entirely in full view of an increasingly incredulous staff; when Edwards eventually realized the damage he had done to himself and his campaign, he lambasted a young staffer because he didn't come to his boss “like a fucking man and tell me to stop fucking her.” But there are plenty of other strange people, too—people who don't really seem to believe anything, but who are desperately anxious to know what the country wants to hear them saying.

Obama is different, of course, but it's still very difficult to fathom why anyone would want to become a world leader. It's really not a nice job. For four hundred thousand dollars a year—plus a nineteen-thousand-dollar entertainment budget, although I would imagine very little of that can go on CDs, books, and cinema tickets—you give up safety, family life, social life, sleep, a significant proportion of your sanity, and the esteem of approximately two in every three of your fellow citizens. I am not being flippant: this is an intolerable prospect, for anyone with any sense of an inner life. This means that the people who want to represent us are actually the least representative people in the world.

Here in Europe, we still love Obama. But right at the beginning of
Game Change
, when Halperin and Heilemann are describing his relationship with Hillary Clinton, there is a line intended to convey how close the two were, once upon a time, but that serves only to make you wonder about politicians as a species. “At one point, Obama gave her a gift: a photograph of him, Michelle, and their two young daughters, Sasha and Malia.” So, hold on… Hillary was Barack's mother? Because if she wasn't, why on earth would he give her a picture of himself and his kids? Would you do that with someone you knew professionally? “Here's a framed picture of me. Put it up anywhere in your house. It doesn't have to be on
your mantelpiece. Or put it up in your office, on the half a shelf you have available for photos of your loved ones.” Try it, and see how often you're invited to after-work drinks.

Game Change
isn't the book I thought it would be, perhaps because the nomination race and the presidential campaign were not what they looked like from across the Atlantic. I was expecting a thrilling and inspirational story, full of goodies and baddies, dizzying highs and dispiriting lows; instead, Heilemann and Halperin describe a long, strength-sapping, and bitter trudge to victory. Much of the book is taken up with the inevitability of Clinton's defeat, and her refusal to acknowledge it, while Obama waits with weary impatience. And the fight between Obama and McCain is a nonevent once Sarah Palin joins in and makes the sides uneven. This is not to say that
Game Change
is dull. It isn't, because every page feels like the truth. It's just that the truth isn't as uplifting as you want to believe.

It was the holiday season here in the U.K., which explains the brevity of the Books Read list: my intellectual life is utterly dependent on my children attending school. The holiday season doesn't explain why I didn't pick up any fiction, nor does it explain why I should choose to spend all my available reading time on the un-promising subjects of American politics and cancer cells. I will only regret it if
Game Change
and
The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks
turn out to be the last two books I ever read, because I don't think they illustrate the breathtaking range of my literary tastes. They make me look like the kind of nonfiction guy I meet on planes during book tours. “Should I have heard of you? See, I don't read many novels. I like to learn something I didn't know already.” At the time of writing I am halfway through a short and very beautiful YA novel, the completion of which should recomplicate me; meanwhile, you'll have to forgive these pages of the
Believer
temporarily resembling the books section of
Business Traveller
magazine.

Maybe the business travelers know what they're talking about, though, because
The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks
is riveting, beautifully
written, and, yes, educational. I learned stuff. I learned so much stuff that I kept blurting it out to anyone who'd listen. Do you know who Henrietta Lacks was? Have you ever heard of the HeLa cells? Did you know that they can be found in just about any research lab in the world? And so on. I'll tell you, you don't want to be living with me at the moment. I'm even more boring than usual.

Rebecca Skloot's extraordinary book is the story of a dirt-poor black woman who died an agonizing death from cervical cancer in 1951. Just before Henrietta died, however, a surgeon sliced off a piece of her tumor and gave it to a research scientist called George Gey, who had been trying to grow human cells for years. Henrietta's cells, however, grew like kudzu, for reasons that are still not entirely clear to scientists; they grew so fast, so uncontrollably, that when you look up HeLa on Wikipedia, the entry uses the word
contamination
in the first four lines. HeLa is so powerful and fierce and durable, so eager to reproduce itself, that it gets into everything.