More Confessions of a Hostie (14 page)

It's shocking that a captain – on a captain's wages – did this.

I know that flight attendants don't make anywhere as much as captains do (or as much as second officers make, for that matter). In spite of this, any stories I hear about crew pulling cheap stunts like the one Tony-To-Go had pulled make me sick to the stomach. Fortunately, this doesn't happen very often.

There is a list of ten dead giveaways of being a hostie. The first on the list is, ‘All of your pens have the names of different hotels on them.' Funny, but also true.

There are nine other items on the list:

2. You can pack your bags for a five-day trip in under three minutes. Better still – you never unpack from your previous trip.

3. You know every latest-release perfume. Thanks to duty-free you have most of them.

4. You have the uncanny ability to eat any meal of any description at any time standing up.

5. When you have a party and people leave, you say, ‘Bye, yes thanks, have a nice day, all the best, hope to see you again, bye now, you're welcome, thank you, watch your step on the way out, goodbye, take care.'

6. Your bathroom is jam-packed with hotel soaps, moisturisers, shampoos and conditioners – not applicable for me of course.

7. Your arms and legs are constantly covered in bruises. You even have bruising from bumping into carts, seats and people in places that don't seem physically possible.

8. You know of at least thirty different uses for an air-sickness bag, in addition to the one real use that it was designed for.

9. You can recognise a pilot not by his face but by the back of his head.

10. When you are totally exhausted, you smile because you think you have to.

I became a flight attendant because I wanted to travel. I've always been sociable, and what's a better way to meet and talk with interesting people than to travel the world as a hostie. However, some people take socialising too far on this job.

Even after all these years I still get a buzz when arriving in a different city or even in some cities I have been to dozens of times before. I cannot wait to leave the confines of a hotel room and go exploring. This is truly the ultimate job for someone who likes to travel. Sure we have to suffer the consequences of being a hostie: jetlag, lack of sleep, tiredness and time restrictions to deal with. However, we reap the rewards just as much. How many people get paid to go to and spend a few days in a place like Hawaii?

I am sure most international cabin crew would share a similar passion for travel as me, but there are quite a few who don't. I have been with crew members who don't leave their hotel on most trips. For these cabin crew, the job is all about the money – and the funny thing is that there are so many other jobs out there that pay a lot more than what we get paid as hosties. They suffer the jetlag, the tiredness and being locked away in a hotel room for the money.

So they save a few dollars? I don't get it. I often joke that I started out with nothing – and I still have most of it left.

Even so, I am far richer than any of these crew will ever be.

The crew member who took all the plastic bags to use them to seal food at home is one such flight attendant who locks himself in his hotel to count his money. I noticed that on the aircraft, he ate (or took) anything that wasn't nailed down. He even bought his own food with him so he didn't have to leave the hotel to buy food. He did not socialise with anyone. I would be surprised if he left the hotel room at any stage. If he was not friendly on the plane, he was a phantom off it. What a miserable way to live your life.

He is in the wrong job – I know it; the other crew know it; the passengers know it; I would bet that he knows it too.

It is sad that the wrong people are sometimes employed in a job that requires certain special and specific qualities. A flight attendant must be able to enjoy people and places. If you are not a people-person, you are in the wrong job. International hosties spend so much time on their own that being introverted and antisocial probably makes them more reclusive.

I have a lifestyle, not just a job. Fortunately, I enjoy most of the aspects of this lifestyle, but for those who don't, it must be difficult indeed. I really don't like working with overtly negative and unhappy people.

Misery loves company, indeed, but company does not love misery.

These people are fortunately the minority, but they are still there. Some flight attendants step onto the aircraft and then immediately say, ‘Are we there yet?' – it's not a joke; they actually mean it. I am sure these same people, when they get to our crew hotel, are the ones who stay locked in, waiting to get back home. On the flight back home, they step onboard and once again say, ‘Are we there yet?'

I guess it is not just kids in the backseats of cars who pester their parents with that line. I have never once said that to anyone, and I'm sure I never will. I may have thought it (once or twice) but I will never say it.

I love my job. Most crew do too, and that is why they are there and often for many, many years. A recent newspaper article spoke about the ageing aircrew of most airlines. They used one American carrier as an example and quoted that the average age of their flight attendants was over fifty years. I have been flying around twenty years myself, and often I am the most junior crew member.

However, this is not always the case. I recently did a trip with some new hosties: the guys didn't look old enough to shave, and the girls were all blonde and gorgeous and were named either Amber or Holly. Of course I am generalising, but it is remarkable how many of this young breed of flight attendants were both stunningly beautiful and named Amber or Holly. I have looked at the crew names for my upcoming trip, and I noticed the name ‘Amber' on it. I will have a chance to test my theory really soon.

Coming back to Mary, she is not one of those crew who sit in their hotel room and never leave. Mary is a people person, which only means she should be perfect for the job personality-profilewise, but what sounds good in theory sometimes doesn't work in practice. The trouble with Mary is she gets into so much trouble on and off the plane. She creates mischief at home, so when she is unleashed onto the world, there is a bigger stage for her to fall off. It is like a clumsy kid in a playground with one swing. The kid will probably fall off that swing. Put the kid in a playground with a hundred swings, and the kid will probably fall off every one of those swings. A person like Mary should be kept away from playgrounds with swings. A person like Mary should be kept away from a lot of things.

I can't wait to tell Dean all about Mary. He hasn't met her, but he has heard a few stories. Before he comes around tonight, I have to run a few of my stories through some filters. I have nothing to hide from him, but so much has happened in the week since I have seen him that I don't want to spend the whole night rehashing stories about what happened onboard. Also, he may not want to hear about every detail of my time in Honolulu. I am sure he is interested in knowing about my job, but I am just as interested in his medical practice, yet I don't want to hear about it all night.

It is great to have someone to share things that have happened in the past, but it is even better discussing things that may happen in the future.

you never know if you never ask

Dean and I have a lovely dinner. He enjoyed my cooking and the wine, but the conversation aspect has and continues to be the best part of our time together. I hadn't had a lot of time off of late to contemplate relationship issues. In the back of my mind, I sort of wanted the whole spend-every-minute of the day, can't-live-without-you type of relationship, but I am too independent to do that. The same goes for Dean. I know exactly how autonomous I am, but it's probably the effect of reading romance novels and watching romantic comedy movies over the years that causes me to feel compelled to go down the get-married and a buy a house with a white picket-fence path. At least, I know my mum would like me to be that girl.

The relationships I have seen degenerate the quickest are those that started off the hottest. Mary Gomez is a classic case in question. She falls in love at the drop of a hat – and her bedroom is full of worn-out hats.

I don't profess to be a relationship expert, but most guys I know like some freedom, and a man cannot get much more freedom than going out with an international flight attendant. We are rarely around, and when we are, much of that time is spent in a vegetative state. We are home and functional only for a few days, and those moments often include having mind-blowing sex. Then, we take off again – only to do it all again a week later. An ‘earthling' dating a hostie can have the best of both worlds. However, such a relationship only works if and only this is something that both people want.

In most of my past relationships, I have at times felt guilty because I am away so much. As such I have tried to make an effort to be there for the other person when I am at home, even when I physically as well as emotionally want to be someplace else – usually, just asleep or on my own.

It has not been very long since Dean has come out of a long-term relationship, and I am certain the last thing he wants is a clingy woman who wants to spend every second of the day with him. This was one of the main reasons his marriage did not work.

I decide to broach the subject with Dean anyway. We have what is probably only a two- or three-minute discussion, but it is two or three minutes very well spent. He does really enjoy my company (when I am not a jetlagged blithering idiot). This is a load off our minds because we do want to be with each other, but on our own terms. Regardless of what my mum might think and want, I am happy to keep my relationship with Dean on a casual basis. The surest way to kill a relationship is to push it in a direction one or both of the parties don't want to take.

My job gives us the freedom to live independent lives. Sure there are trust issues and missing each other, but the benefits can outweigh the negatives if you are right for each other and do the right things. Dean's brother Danny is the perfect example of this. Danny is married with two children and I am sure he is the penultimate father and husband when he is at home. While away, he is still faithful and respectful, but he doesn't lock himself in the hotel room. He loves to travel and explore, so he combines his passion with his family life. His wife and family are supportive of Danny's job and lifestyle, so he (and his family) gets the best of both worlds.

One of the real bonuses of the flight attendant lifestyle is the opportunity for family and friends to come away on trips occasionally, just like Helen did on my trip to Honolulu. I know Danny takes his wife Bernadette away every so often, and as his children get older, he plans to take them away more often as well. I did last New Year's Eve on a trip with Danny, Bernadette and Dean. We had an absolute ball. I'd love to do that again, but the logistics of getting everyone together are challenging.

I do have an upcoming trip, after my trip with Mary, which would be perfect for Dean. I would have asked him earlier, but I just wasn't sure where the relationship was heading. I am clearer now, and I feel like I can finally ask him.

One thing that Dean and I have in common is the desire to help those less fortunate. I am involved in some charity work overseas, which is carried out by a select team of cabin crew. The company allows certain flights to destinations: when we are in these layover ports, we are able to go to the places that need help and do charity work.

Dean goes to Tanzania in Africa for several weeks each year to help with medical services in some small remote villages. I went along last year. His medical expertise may not be needed within our team as we primarily help with building houses and spending time with the kids, but I know Dean would love to help in any way he can. I also know that he is very busy at the moment, and it might not be possible for him to get away for the four days the trip goes for. You never know if you never ask.

‘Dean, in two weeks, I have a charity trips coming up. This one is to Jakarta, Indonesia, and it is over a weekend – I leave on a Friday and am back on a Monday. Are you interested in coming along?'

Without hesitation, he answers, ‘I would love to come.'

I am so excited that Dean is coming away with me. All I have to do now is pass my emergency exams and survive the trip with Mary. Dean and I can then fly together to Jakarta.

I am now inspired to get some more studying done. If you fail your exam, you do get the chance to do it again, but you could lose the trips that have been allocated to you. I don't want to risk losing my trip with Dean, so I diligently hit the books.

I study for a few hours, and then decide to take a small break. I catch up with Helen over our usual cup or two of coffee. She is still tired.

‘How do you do this week in and week out? Do you ever get used to the jetlag?' she asks.

‘Never,' I reply with a smile on my face.

Helen asks me a question Mary has never had the interest nor time to ask, ‘So, how's Dean?'

I tell her that he is coming to Jakarta with me, and she is as excited as I am.

‘I hope you don't have to arrest anyone on that flight,' she grins.

Helen must have thanked me a million times for the trip to Hawaii while we were away, and she has thanked me daily since. I am just so happy that I had the opportunity to share not only a spectacular destination like Honolulu with her but also a little piece of my world. Most people who don't fly would not be able to comprehend the unique lifestyle and some of the events that can occur in the air. Helen has had a sample of this and has gained a whole new respect for the demands of my job.

Helen's favourite question to me has become ‘I don't know how you do it?'

For all the dramas Helen witnessed onboard, it still does not dampen her enthusiasm for coming on another trip.

Her second most favourite question has become ‘So where can we go to next?'