More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops (22 page)

MOTHER:
Well then, maybe you should learn to read slower!

Patty Whitney:
Blind Dog Books, Seabrook, Washington, USA.

CUSTOMER:
Hi, I’m looking for a Bible for my mother but I’m not quite sure who the author is.

(Phone rings)

BOOKSELLER:
Good Afternoon, this is Waterstones; how may I help you?

CUSTOMER:
Is this Waterstones, the bookshop?

BOOKSELLER:
Yes it is, sir.

CUSTOMER:
Good. Are you in the book department?

Emma-Louise Elliott:
Waterstones, Bristol, UK.

CUSTOMER:
I think I’ll take a copy of this book.

BOOKSELLER:
Sure, would you like a bag for it?

CUSTOMER:
First, can you please get me a fresh copy?

BOOKSELLER:
I’m sorry, what?

CUSTOMER:
A fresh copy of the book. You know, not the display copy.

BOOKSELLER:
Is this one damaged?

CUSTOMER:
No, I’d just like a fresh copy.

BOOKSELLER:
Well, our store is so small that we only have one or two copies of most books. Just about everything is out on display. We just sell them right off the shelves and tables.

CUSTOMER:
Are you kidding?

BOOKSELLER:
... No.

CUSTOMER:
Right. Well, I’ll have to think about it, then.
(Customer walks off.)

Anne DeVault:
Over the Moon Bookstore &
Artisan Gallery, Crozet, Virginia, USA.

(Man approaches bookseller and attempts to start a conversation with her about religion)

BOOKSELLER:
I’m sorry, sir, but I try to make a point of not discussing religion with customers.

CUSTOMER:
Oh. I just thought you seemed like a nice girl, and I don’t want you to go to Hell.

BOOKSELLER:
...

CUSTOMER:
I called earlier about
Slaughterhouse Five
for my class?

BOOKSELLER:
Yes. I have a copy here for you.

CUSTOMER:
OK, thanks. What’s your return policy?

BOOKSELLER:
... Why?

CUSTOMER:
Because I only need it for, like, a week.

Lillian Clark:
The Second Story, Laramie, Wyoming, USA.

CUSTOMER:
Can you mail books to the jail?

BOOKSELLER:
Sure.

CUSTOMER:
Great. Do you have a list of all your true crime books?

Cathy Allard:
Bayshore Books, Oconto, Wisconsin, USA.

CUSTOMER:
Do you have the new book by Charles Dickens?

BOOKSELLER:
Well, he hasn’t published anything since the nineteenth century ...

CUSTOMER:
The new one that Oprah’s promoting.

BOOKSELLER:
Oh.
A Tale of Two Cities
, yes, we have that.

CUSTOMER:
Yeah. Like I said: the new one.

Jessica Aimee Johnson:
Barnes and Noble, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA.

MAN:
Do you have any books on cars?

LIBRARIAN:
We have a couple of books on cars in our transport section: one on Minis and one on Porsches.

MAN
(opens the book on Minis and points to a vehicle)
: Where abouts is this car?

LIBRARIAN:
The caption says that it’s a photo of Sir Alexander Arnold Constantine Issigonis, the man who designed the Mini, standing with a Mini in a garage in Birmingham in the 70s.

MAN:
Great. Can you get his address for me?

LIBRARIAN:
Sorry?

MAN:
His address. I want to buy that car!

Rachel Armstrong:
Burnley Libraries, Lancashire, UK.

MOTHER
(showing a picture book to her daughter)
: Awwww, look at the cute kitty. And the little horsey. And the groundhog, too! Your daddy shoots those when they come into the garden, doesn’t he?