Read Motherhood Comes Naturally (and Other Vicious Lies) Online
Authors: Jill Smokler
Motherhood Comes Naturally (and Other Vicious Lies) (13 page)
I long for the Halloweens that came before my children could make decisions for themselves aka the good old days when I could dress them up as I pleased. A princess and a frog prince! Cowboy and cowgirl! Wild animals and me as the zookeeper! A trio of superheroes! Pictures are proudly displayed throughout the house, and holiday cards with my agreeable children still adorn friends' refrigerators years later.
That was then. This is now.
For Halloween 2012 Ben was a Star Wars character, Evan was Wolverine, and Lily was dressed as a zombie prom queen. I died a little that day. There was no theme even I could concoct with
those three costumes, and I haven't even bothered to print out pictures, never mind frame them.
Once upon a time, my children were friends with the kids I hand-selected for them. I was very discerning. The kid who coughed all the time? Not for us. Little girl who lived almost an hour a way? No thanks. The twin boys in Ben's preschool class? Twin boys; need I say more? These days my kids tell me who they want to have over after school, and I have no say. The only sliver of control I maintain is the occasional fib about so-and-so being unavailable. But that only lasts so long, and eventually I am forced to entertain the kids who have recovered from the fake illnesses I've assigned to them.
As parents, we spend all of our time preparing our children for the world so they may live independently. After all, that's the name of the parenting game. But I can't help but wonder what the rush is. Why not extend their dependency as long as possible? Listen, I want them out of my house as soon as they're eighteen, like most parents do. I just want to make all of their decisions for them until then.
25 Reasons NOT to Have a(nother) Baby
1.
 Morning sickness that has you throwing up in the kitchen sink because you just can't make it to the bathroom in time.
2.
 Stretch marks on top of stretch marks on top of stretch marks.
3.
 Not being able to wear your wedding ring because your fingers have morphed into sausages.
4.
 Sex with a fetus in the middle.
5.
 Cankles.
6.
 Not having your period, but having to still wear a pad.
7.
 The entire ninth month of pregnancy.
8.
 Changing crib sheets.
9.
 Taking that first shit after delivery.
10.
 The dried out, ready-to-fall-off umbilical cord.
11.
 The aerobic workout that is installing an infant car seat.
12.
 Running out of wipes at the worst possible moment in time.
13.
 Being on the receiving end of endless and unwanted advice on everything involving your baby.
14.
 Trying on your pre-baby jeans for the first time.
15.
 Realizing that the baby weight is
not
going to melt off.
16.
 Living in fear that you will wake that baby who took, OMG seriously, an hour and a half to put to sleep.
17.
 Cutting teeny, tiny, paper-thin fingernails.
18.
 Obsessively checking to make sure the baby is breathing when he or she is finally soundly asleep.
19.
 Rectally taking temperatures.
20.
 Projectile vomit.
21.
 Not being able to soothe a screaming baby in a backward- facing seat because you are concentrating on not wrapping your car around a tree, but at that moment it sounds like a fine way to put you out of your misery.
22.
 Searching in the middle of the night for a lost pacifier like it was a million-dollar lottery ticket.
23.
 Not being able to turn your head because you fall asleep night after night in the rocking chair.
24.
 Maneuvering a stroller around a store not built for strollers.
25.
 The fact that babies turn into . . . kids.
25 Reasons TO Have a(nother) Baby
1.
 Not having a period for nine months.
2.
 Not having to suck in your gut.
3.
 The fun of being able to say “I'm not expecting” when asked how far along you are.
4.
 Not worrying about birth control.
5.
 Hearing the heartbeat for the first time.
6.
 Parking in “Expectant Mother” parking spaces.
7.
 The fact that nobody picks a fight with the pregnant woman.
8.
 Having your husband cater to your every whim.
9.
 The first shower after delivery.
10.
 The forty-eight-hour hospital stay.
11.
 Scouring Pinterest for the perfect way to announce the baby.
12.
 Introducing them to their new big sister or brother.
13.
 People bring you meals! And help you with laundry! And want to make your life easier!
14.
 That first precious Halloween costume.
15.
 Teeny, tiny baby toes.
16.
 The smell of their clean heads.
17.
 Catching adorable first moments and showing them off mercilessly.
18.
 The first smile.
19.
 The first giggle.
20.
 The epidural.
21.
 Precious little shoes that never get dirty.
22.
 Catching up on old episodes of
Dawson's Creek
and
Melrose Place.
23.
 Having people ask to hold the baby verses having them run away from your kids.
24.
 Having an excuse to be unshowered.
25.
 Everything.
BEING HOME WITH YOUR KIDS IS THE MOST FULFILLING JOB
Were it not for coffee, I would spend my days laying facedown on the floor, staring at the carpet fibers, while my four-year-old dances around the house gluing
LEGOS
to the walls.
âScary Mommy Confession #235794
B
efore I had children, I was an undeniably bad employee. There was my first job as a graphic designer at one of the biggest public affairs firms in the world. I decided after just two days that I simply couldn't work someplace where I would be expected to work ten hours a day. I mean, I had so many other important things to do. Like plan a wedding. Then there was my next gig as an art director in the advertising department of a major retail chain. This one lasted two years, mostly because
I did whatever I wanted, like take three-hour lunch breaks. I'd slip out of my office at about eleven and head to the outlet mall about thirty minutes away. Then I'd hit the gym, where I would use the steam room for a good twenty minutes after exercising. If it was a slow day at the office, I'd also stop at the brand-new Harris Teeter grocery store near my office and get our weekly food shopping out of the way. How perfect that we had a kitchen at the office where I could refrigerate my groceries!
My next job was as the design manager at one of my favorite stores. This was the first time that I actually enjoyed my work and felt a sense of fulfillment at the end of each day. Building an amazing window display that stopped patrons in their tracks was very rewarding. I used to love to bring Jeff into the store on the weekends and show him all the vignettes I had created. I didn't even mind the fact that the job required me to be in by 6 a.m. Monday through Friday. What I did mind, though, were the frequent visits from the district manager who would come in to the store and rearrange everything I had worked so hard on. I also hated it when I had to participate on pesky phone calls on P&L. Sure, I was in management, but I guess it never occurred to me that store performance had anything to do withâor any impact onâmy design plans. Details, details.
When I got pregnant, I felt like I was the luckiest bitch in town. We moved out of the city and into a more affordable home, so that Jeff's single salary could support our growing family. I had no second thoughts about leaving the workforce. That's an understatement, actually. I think if I were even the slightest bit athletic I would have done cartwheels up and down our street. While I had moments of enjoyment and pride at my previous
jobs, I never felt totally fulfilled. I never felt like I was following my calling.
After the chaos of having a newborn died down, I attacked my new job as a SAHM with vigor: Mommy and Me classes as often as possible; lunch dates with other moms and their babies; enough tummy time to make any pediatrician proud; three-course home-cooked meals for my husband. I quickly got into the rhythm of my new life, and I patiently waited for the overwhelming feeling of fulfillment to hit me.
And I kept waiting for the fulfillment. And waiting. And waiting.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that staying home with my kids would be the most fulfilling job I'd ever have, I'd hire a really good hit man to kill all of those fucking liars.