Authors: Katy Atlas
Every time I thought of something to say, I couldn’t make the words come out of my mouth. I swallowed, feeling my throat go tight and dry.
Thanks, I finally choked out, and let myself look up.
His eyes aren’t that blue in photographs, I thought to myself, the words tearing through my brain like it was on fire. In photographs, he was always handsome, with perfectly formed, chiseled features that made him look older than nineteen. The jawbone that rounded exactly where you hoped it would, and clean-shaven cheeks that still looked scruffy. But in photographs, I’d never noticed how intense his eyes were -- he looked at me as if I were the only person in the room, so focused on me that I couldn’t even think straight.
He didn’t look like people did in real life. He made everything else look like backdrop, as if I would never see color again if I took my eyes off him. I blinked, wondering if he would just disappear.
Just when I thought I was about to burst, he raised one eyebrow and grinned at me.
So, I guess you have someplace to sit?
I tried not to let my jaw drop. Taking a deep breath, I heard my voice tremble as I replied. Over there -- my friend has that whole couch.
Blake quickly asked for two coffees and turned his focus back to me. Can we join you?
Don’t faint, I thought to myself. Don’t faint. Please don’t faint.
I nodded, feeling blood rush to my head. I hoped I wasn’t blushing.
Soph, he said, turning to someone behind him, who I hadn’t noticed. As I followed his gaze, I recognized the thick black hair, the abrupt geometric cut of her bangs, partially hidden underneath a baseball cap. Sophie, Moving Neutral’s drummer. You want to sit down for a minute?
Sophie nodded, glancing over at the couch, brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes. Lead the way.
Blake’s order of two black coffees appeared on the counter and he paid for it, handing one cup to Sophie carefully, trying not to spill it. I looked down at my whipped-cream topped frothy drink and wondered if it was unsophisticated. Then looked at the chocolate chip cookie, and wondered if they would think we were gluttons. I was tempted to just leave it on the counter, but I didn’t want to risk the cashier calling me back for it.
I was trying to balance the cookie, my drink and Madison’s latte in both hands when Blake took the cookie plate from me without saying a word.
Maybe you’ll let me have a bite, he said, winking at me.
Don’t faint, I thought, and tried to smile back.
Madison was still looking down at her cell phone when I led Blake and Sophie over to our couch, wondering briefly if this was a dream. Maybe at some point I’d fallen and cracked my head open on the sidewalk, and none of this was really happening.
I thought it was funny, looking around, that no one else seemed to recognize Blake or Sophie, despite the fact that most of the people in the cafe had probably just left the concert. I wondered if there were fans standing outside the show’s exit, hoping for autographs, not realizing that half the band was standing a few blocks away.
Madison looked up as we sat down, and I tried hard not to laugh as her eyes registered the three of us. Staring at us, her lips parted for half a second as if she was choking back a gasp. I’m sure my face hadn’t looked any better.
But Madison recovered faster than I did. She only gaped for a moment, collecting her emotions in the next instant, her face turning to a blank, cool smile. I was thankful again that Madison had been the lead in every school play at Prospect since spring of our sophomore year.
Hi, she said, pushing my overnight bag onto the floor to make room for them to sit down. I’m Madison, she said, her voice not wavering a bit.
Blake, he shook her hand lightly. This is Sophie. He turned to me, waiting expectantly with a slight smile, his blue eyes sparkling in a way that made my breath catch.
Casey, I whispered.
Madison was already sitting in the armchair, and Sophie sat closest to her on the couch. Blake sat down next, and patted the seat next to him for me.
I felt my knees shaking as I lowered myself onto the couch. Taking a deep breath, I sipped my coffee, wiping the extra whipped cream off my lip as I swallowed.
Do you guys live in the city? Sophie asked.
I’m starting at NYU in the fall, Madison said. But we’re both from Connecticut.
Where in Connecticut?
Rockland. Most people only knew the places in Connecticut that were on the New York border, places like Greenwich, where the CEOs of investment banks had giant compounds. Rockland was a different universe.
Sophie nodded, emptying a packet of sugar into her coffee.
I wondered if we should mention that we’d been at the concert. I thought about staring at Blake on the video monitor from our terrible seats, and I snuck another glance at him, trying to resist the urge to stare.
Are you going to NYU too? he asked me, breaking off a piece of the cookie that Madison and I hadn’t touched. I looked up at him, wrapping my hands around the coffee cup to stop them from shaking.
I’m going to Columbia, I said. We hadn’t been arrested tonight and Madison was right about my parents. No matter how angry they were, they were going to make sure I was headed to college in nine weeks.
And now it felt as if sneaking out had been completely and totally worth it.
He grinned. That’s so funny, I almost went there.
I looked at him curiously. There had been rumors at one point that Blake was dropping out of Moving Neutral to go to college, but they’d never been confirmed, and they’d been a while ago. Still, Columbia sometimes attracted celebrities who wanted to balance going to school with their careers -- Alicia Keys and Jake Gyllenhaal had both gone for a year or two, so Blake would have been in good company. What happened? I asked him.
Nothing, he said. I don’t know, life? Maybe someday. He looked at Sophie, shrugging his shoulders. We do okay.
She laughed, and lowered her voice to a whisper. We just played a show down the block.
I caught Madison’s eye and couldn’t read her expression. If there was ever a moment we should tell them, it was now.
That’s so cool, she said, giving away nothing. What’s your band’s name?
Blake said the name of the band, and it sounded like I’d heard him say it in a hundred interviews, and like nothing I’d ever heard before.
Madison smiled like the name barely registered. Casey and I tried to form a band once, she said, half laughing. We gave up when we realized that both of us wanted to be the lead singer and neither of us could play an instrument.
I smiled, remembering our fifth grade band practices. We’d spent a dozen afternoons singing along to Janis Joplin into Madison’s full length mirror before our parents realized that band practice was just an excuse to put off our homework.
You sing? Blake asked me, looking interested.
Oh, no, I blushed, looked down at my coffee. Not like that, I said, thinking about April’s flawless voice, the way their songs made me ache when I listened to them.
She’s being modest, Madison giggled. You should see shy little Casey when you get her onto a karaoke stage.
I laughed, and Blake looked at me curiously. I met his eyes for a moment, and then looked around the rest of the bookstore, filled with people who’d been at the concert, just like us. It was mostly groups of girls sitting in clusters, giggling quietly to themselves, chattering above the low music that the cafe was playing.
So what are you going to study? Sophie asked me sincerely, and it was the kind of thing that only a girl who’d been home-schooled would ask. College was just college for me, I would figure out what to do once I got there.
I have no idea. Well, I mean, maybe English, maybe
Psychology. But I’m going to decide at the last minute, I said, wondering if I was the dullest person on earth to them. It feels like that’s the last big decision you ever get to make, you know? Like after that, everything is just settled, it’s all laid out for you. There’s some track you have to follow, from then on.
Blake looked at me with an expression I couldn’t read, with the same intensity in his eyes that he’d had in the line. I tried to stop myself from shivering, hoping he didn’t think I was some commitment-phobic loser.
I think some people just choose their tracks early, Madison chimed in. I’m studying theatre, and I’ve known that I want to be an actress since I was a kid. So maybe it’s all laid out for me, she giggled, and I wondered if she was flirting. In all our discussions about Blake, we’d never thought to wonder what would happen if we actually met him, together.
Hopefully, right? Sophie added. I keep thinking that if we pick what we want to do so early, there has to be something good in store for us.
I thought about her, learning to play the drums at eight years old. There was already something great in store for her, it was just me that couldn’t pick a future. Like the difference between becoming a lawyer or a professor or a therapist was that huge, anyways. I looked down at my hands, wrapped around the cup of coffee that was starting to go cold already. At least they had finally stopped shaking.
I kind of hope I never have to pick one thing, Blake said, looking at Sophie and then back at me. I like thinking that any second, everything could change.
It was the kind of line that sounded like it came from one of his songs, the type of thing that Madison and I would repeat to each other or quote on our Facebook pages, or doodle in tiny letters on the inside of our notebooks. It was what Blake’s songs always did for me -- they made me feel like he could read my mind.
Um, Blake?
The voice came from a girl, probably only fourteen or so. She was standing next to our couch tentatively, clutching a ticket stub between both hands. Her voice was shaking so much that I could hear it unmistakably, and I hoped mine hadn’t been that bad.
I wasn’t expecting Blake’s reaction. Where a second before, he’d been looking at me with a piercing stare, he suddenly whipped his head around, looking at the girl as if she’d just told him the coffee shop was on fire. Scanning the room with his eyes, he reminded me of a trapped animal.
Can I have your autograph?
She looked expectantly at him, waiting for his response, her fingers gripping the ticket like it might blow away.
Sure, he whispered, taking it out of her hand, and turning to me. Do you have a pen?
He asked it quickly, the words rushing out of his mouth as if he were in a hurry. Confused, I looked down at my purse, pulling out items that seemed promising. I wasn’t sure if I had anything. I grabbed an eyeliner pencil and handed it to him, shrugging. Will this work?
He nodded, pressing the pencil lightly to the girl’s ticket and scrawling something illegible, handing it back to her with a quick smile.
The girl squealed loudly, and ran back to her friends, talking excitedly in high-pitched chatter. I watched as her friends eyes widened around the table, and an instant later, she looked over to our couch and pointed.
We have to go, Blake whispered to me, catching Sophie’s eye in the same instant. Come on.
I wasn’t sure if I was included in his escape plan. He started to move before I could even register it, and I was suddenly distracted by the group of girls breaking into shrieks.
Without thinking, I picked up my purse and grabbed my overnight bag from Madison. Sure enough, within thirty seconds, the table of girls had gotten up and others were coming over, talking excitedly over each other in words I couldn’t make out.
Blake slipped the hood back over his head and backed up, inching toward the door while still making an attempt at smiling. The flash from a camera went off, and then another. I looked around the room, confused, and felt someone grab my arm.
Jerking away, I realized it was a girl, a few years younger than me, trying to pull me in the opposite direction. I snapped my wrist out of her grasp and turned to follow Madison, whose blonde head was heading for the door.
I couldn’t believe a crowd had gathered so quickly. It was probably only twenty people around us, but it felt like a horde, screeching girls voices drowning out the music in the bookstore.
We walked outside, the girls behind us still close by. Blake, a few feet in front of me, got to the end of the block first, raising his hand to stop a cab on the crowded avenue.
A yellow taxi stopped in the next instant, and I wondered, awkwardly, how to say goodbye. I glanced at Madison for guidance, but she seemed as bewildered as I was, looking back and forth from the taxi to the bookstore.
I raised my hand to wave as Sophie got into the car. She looked at me, her face twisting in confusion. Hurry up, she called to Madison and me, and barked something to the driver that I couldn’t hear.
That was all the encouragement I needed. I bolted forward, throwing my bag into the back of the cab and then climbing in after it, sandwiching Sophie between myself and Blake. When I looked forward again, Madison had climbed into the front passenger seat. I caught her eye and grinned quickly, wiping it off my face in the next instant so no one would notice. The cab pulled away, the screaming fans slowly fading into a distant blur in the window behind us.