Mr. Granite Is from Another Planet! (4 page)

I didn't believe for a minute that Mr. Granite was born in New Jersey. He was an alien from another planet for sure. And even though we didn't have a picture of him peeling off his face, we decided there was only one thing left for us to do: We had to tell Mr. Klutz.

The next morning we all met at school early to go to Mr. Klutz's office. When we got there, he was wearing one of those weird square hats we had to wear at graduation. And he was sticking his head out the window.

“Why are you sticking your head out the window?” Ryan asked.

“Oh, excuse me,” said Mr. Klutz, pulling his head back inside. “I had to sharpen my pencil.”

“You have a pencil sharpener outside your window?” asked Michael.

“No, I was just gathering solar energy to power my pencil sharpener,” Mr. Klutz told us. “See? This cap has a solar panel in
it. It was Mr. Granite's idea.”

Mr. Klutz showed us how to sharpen a pencil with his solar-powered pencil sharpener. It was cool.

“We wanted to talk to you about Mr. Granite,” said Ryan.

“I'm all ears,” Mr. Klutz said.

“You are not,” I told him. “You have eyes and a nose and a mouth, too. It would be
weird to be all ears.”

“It's just an expression, dumbhead,” said Andrea, rolling her eyes. “It means Mr. Klutz is listening.”

“I knew that,” I lied. “Anyway, we think there's something weird about Mr. Granite.”

“Yes, I agree,” Mr. Klutz said. “I can't put my finger on it.”

“Why would you want to put your finger on it?” I asked.

“Mr. Granite lives in a pod,” Emily said.

“And he has no nose hair,” said Michael.

“Mr. Klutz,” said Andrea, “we suspect that Mr. Granite is from another planet.”

“Hmmmm,” said Mr. Klutz. “It's funny you should mention that. The other day I saw a
flying saucer in the teachers' lounge.”

“WHAT?!” we all shouted. “You
did
?”

“Yes,” said Mr. Klutz, “the teachers were throwing their teacups around again. I'll have to make another announcement about that.”

“If Mr. Granite
is
an alien, will you have to fire him?” asked Emily.

“Or attack him with laser beams?” asked Ryan.

“Hmmmm,” said Mr. Klutz.
^*
“This has never come up before. I'm not sure aliens from other planets are allowed to teach third grade. I'll have to check in the Board
of Education rule book.”

“I'm bored of education,” I said.

“In the meantime,” said Mr. Klutz, “let's all keep our eyes peeled.”

“That will probably hurt,” I told him. “Can't we just watch Mr. Granite instead?”

“Okay, let's do that,” he said. “I want to know everything about him. I want to know what makes him tick.”

“Mr. Granite ticks?” I asked. “Maybe there's a clock inside him. Like the crocodile in
Peter Pan
.”

“Maybe there's a
bomb
inside him!” Ryan said.

“Mr. Granite swallowed a bomb?” asked Emily. “We've got to
do
something!”

“Run for your lives!” shouted Neil the nude kid.

And we all went running out of Mr. Klutz's office.

As it turned out, Mr. Granite didn't have a clock
or
a bomb inside him. I didn't even hear him tick. That day was a perfectly normal day. Or as normal as it can be when your teacher is from another planet.

When the three-o'clock bell rang, Mr.
Klutz made an announcement over the intercom.

“Have a great weekend, everyone,” he said. “Next week we'll find out if Ella Mentry School is the greenest school in the county. I can almost taste that chocolate cake now! Oh, and teachers, please stop throwing teacups around the teachers' lounge. Thank you.”

Me, Michael, and Ryan rode our bikes home. We were pretty tired, because we had been riding our bikes all day in class. But that's when I got the greatest idea in the history of the world!

“Hey,” I told the guys, “I know how we can make our school the greenest school
in the county.”

“How?” they asked.

“Let's paint it green!”

“A.J.,” Ryan said, “you're a genius!”

“That's why I'm in the gifted and talented program,” I said modestly. Everybody agreed that I should get the No Bell Prize.

That night, after dinner, I told my mom there was a bingo game at school. Michael and Ryan made up other excuses. Michael brought a bucket of green paint he found in his basement. Ryan brought some paintbrushes. We rode our bikes and met at the school.

“Okay,” I told the guys, “let's start by painting the front door.”

Michael opened up the paint can. Ryan gave me a brush. I was about to dip the brush into the paint when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. A guy jumped out from behind the bushes!

“Freeze, dirtbags!” he shouted.

AHHHHHHHH!

It was Officer Spence, the school security guard! He was supposed to protect the school from bad guys and criminals, not from
us
!

“Let's get out of here!” shouted Michael.

We hopped on our bikes and pedaled as fast as we could down the street. I never
even turned around to see if Officer Spence was chasing us.

“Whew! That was a close one!” Ryan said when we were a few blocks away from school.

“I don't think Officer Spence saw our faces,” said Michael.

“Let's go home,” I said.

Just as we were about to turn the corner, I realized something. This was Mr. Granite's street!

“Let's go over to Mr. Granite's house!”
I suggested. “Maybe we can catch him taking his face off.”

We pedaled over to Mr. Granite's house. It was easy to find because of that giant POD thing on the grass. There was a light on inside the garage. We parked our bikes across the street and tiptoed over to the garage like secret agents. It was cool.

“Shhhhhhh!” Ryan whispered. “Nobody scream if he peels off his face.”

We peeked between the cracks in the garage door.

“Do you see anything?” Michael whispered.

“Look!” Ryan whispered back. “Mr. Granite is in there!”

“Yeah, over on the left,” I whispered.

“What's he doing?” Ryan whispered.

“He's building something,” Michael whispered.

And you'll never believe in a million hundred years what we saw Mr. Granite building in there.

I'm not gonna tell you.

Okay, okay, I'll tell you.

But you have to read the next chapter to find out. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!

Mr. Granite was building a
spaceship
!

It was red and black and silver, and it looked just like the spaceships you see in movies. It was cool!

“Andrea was
right
!” I whispered. “Mr. Granite
is
from another—”

But I never got the chance to finish my
sentence because at that moment, the garage door started going up. Mr. Granite, the alien, was standing there looking right at us!

I didn't know what to say! I didn't know what to do! I had to think fast!

“Freeze, dirtbag!” I yelled. “You're an alien, and we know it!”

Mr. Granite put his hands in the air. Then he realized we didn't have a gun or anything, so he put them down.

“Yes, I admit it,” he said sadly. “I'm not from New Jersey. I'm from the planet Etinarg in a galaxy far, far away.”

“WOW!” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.

“Etinarg?” I said. “Isn't that ‘Granite' spelled backward?”

“Yes,” Mr. Granite said. “Everyone on Etinarg is named Granite.”

“Doesn't it make things confusing when everybody has the same name?” asked Ryan.

“It does,” Mr. Granite replied. “I was sent to Earth to help you stop global warming and to come back with some new names for our people. Now my work here is done. I must return to Etinarg. My spaceship is finished. I just need some rocket fuel so I can blast off.”

“Wait a minute!” Michael said. “How do we know you're not yanking our chain? Prove you're an alien!”

“Yeah,” I said. “Let's see you peel off your face.”

“Well…okay,” Mr. Granite said as he
put his hand under his chin.

I covered my eyes with my hands. I wanted to see Mr. Granite peel off his face; but at the same time, I didn't want to see what was underneath. What if it was scary? So I covered my eyes, but I opened my fingers so I could look between them.

Mr. Granite pulled at his neck, and the skin started to come loose. Then he peeled off his entire face! And you'll never believe in a million hundred years what he looked like underneath.

He looked exactly the same!

“Hey!” Ryan said. “That face looks just like the one you peeled off!”

“It never hurts to have an extra face,”
said Mr. Granite.

Even though Mr. Granite's peeled-off face looked the same as his regular face, it was still cool.

“Don't tell Mr. Klutz!” Mr. Granite said.

“Our lips are sealed,” I told him. But not with glue. That would be weird.

I couldn't sleep that night. All I could do was think about Mr. Granite. What if he was lying? What if he really came here to take over our planet and turn us into killer zombie robot slaves? Stuff like that happens all the time, you know. I wished I had been able to buy one of those laser beam pens at Staples.

Maybe Mr. Granite was just pretending to be nice so it would be easier for him to
take over the world. Maybe I should tell Mr. Klutz. If I didn't say anything and Mr. Granite took over our planet, it would be all my fault.

This was the hardest decision I ever had to make. My brain hurt from thinking so much. I was afraid my head was gonna explode.

“Did you finish your homework?” my mom asked me on Monday morning.

“Homework?”
I said. “Aliens from another planet could be attacking at this very second, and
you're
worried about
homework
?”

Finally, I decided to tell Mr. Klutz what I knew. As soon as I got to school, I marched
into his office. He had a machine on his desk. It looked like a little microwave oven.

“Hey, check this out, A.J.!” said Mr. Klutz. “It's called the Ultimate Recycler. This gizmo can turn a can into a bottle, or a bottle into a can. So instead of throwing away a bottle, you just turn it into a can. And instead of throwing away a can, you just turn it into a bottle. This will be great for the environment!”

“Why not just take the can or bottle and rinse it out?” I asked. “Then you can use it again.”

“Hmmmm,” said Mr. Klutz. “That's a good idea, A.J. No wonder you're in the gifted and talented program.”

He picked up the Ultimate Recycler and threw it into the recycling bin.

“Mr. Klutz,” I said, “I have proof that Mr. Granite is from another planet. I saw him building a spaceship in his garage.”

“Hmmmmm,” Mr. Klutz said. “Well, I have some news for you, A.J. I looked through the Board of Education rule book very carefully, and there is nothing in there that says aliens from other planets can't teach third grade.”

“So Mr. Granite can stay on Earth if he wants to?”

“That's right,” said Mr. Klutz. “In fact, I'll call him in here right now to tell him the good news.”

Mr. Klutz called Mr. Granite on the intercom. A few minutes later, Mr. Granite came into the office. When he saw me, he looked mad.

“It's okay,” Mr. Klutz told Mr. Granite. “I know you're from another planet. But I think you're an excellent teacher, and I
want you to stay at Ella Mentry School.”

Mr. Klutz and Mr. Granite hugged, which was weird.

“You are very kind,” Mr. Granite said. “But my work here is done. I am ready to return to my home planet of Etinarg. I blast off Friday.”

“But I thought you said you didn't have any rocket fuel,” I said.

“I don't need rocket fuel anymore,” Mr. Granite told me. “I met with Mr. Docker over the weekend, and he figured out a way to power my spaceship with potatoes.”

Wow! I knew you could power a car with potatoes. And I knew you could power a
computer with potatoes. But how are you going to get a spaceship off the ground with just potato power?

“Is that possible?” I asked.

“It is,” Mr. Granite said. “We're going to microwave the potatoes.”