Mrs. Dole Is Out of Control! (4 page)

Read Mrs. Dole Is Out of Control! Online

Authors: Dan Gutman

9
Mrs. Dole Goes Overboard

Mr. Hynde is the coolest guy in the history of the world! He used to be a plain old music teacher; but then he went on that TV show
American Idol
, and now he's a famous rapper.

Mr. Hynde's homeboys started yelling into the microphones.

“And now, appearing live and in person at Ella Mentry School is the oneâ¦the onlyâ¦Jam Master Hynde, the One-Man Funky Groove Machine! Give it up, y'all! Mr. Hynde is in the house!”

The drums got louder. The lights got brighter.

“Yo! What up, homeys?” Mr. Hynde shouted. “Put your hands together! I'm here to rock your world! So get on your feet! The only way to get down is to get up!”

We all stood up and started clapping. Mr. Hynde danced around. Then he threw off his purple cape and started rapping:

Now, my name's Hynde, and I'm here to remind.

Summer's here, and it's time to unwind.

Word on the street is you're graduatin',

so I dropped in for some congratulatin'.

You're gettin' so big, movin' up to third grade.

Bet you think you got it all made.

But lemme just give you a little advice:

You better not be naughty, you better be nice,

You better brush your teeth, and here's the real deal,

you better wash your hands before you eat a meal.

You better clean your room, and you better be kind.

Don't stare at the sun unless you wanna go blind.

Better mind your manners and stay outta danger.

Don't tease your brother or take candy from a stranger.

Early to bed and early to rise,

don't touch the paint until it dries.

Sticks and stones may break your bones

but not like killer robot clones.

Now, here's what I'm really tryin' to rap

while you sit there in your gown and cap.

Some days you'll feel sad, some days you'll feel happy,

some nights you'll feel mad, some nights you'll feel crappy.

But I ain't jivin', and I ain't jestin'.

That's just what makes life interestin'.

Anyway, that's what I got to say

on this, your graduation day.

You kids are cool, you're in the groove,

so now it's time to bust a move!

Everybody was going crazy. One of the guys in the marching band gave
President Clinton a saxophone, and he started playing it. Mr. Hynde danced around and drummed on Mr. Klutz's head like it was a bongo.

Mr. Hynde is out of his mind!

Finally Mr. Hynde and President Clinton climbed into the helicopter and flew away.

That had to be the end of it. We were sure to get our diplomas and cake now.

But no!

Mrs. Dole raised her arm, and a million hundred white doves went flying up in the air! It was amazing! I was glad I had a square on my head just in case one of those doves pooped.

Mrs. Dole is out of control!

“Where did all those doves come from?” I asked Ryan.

“Rent-a-Dove,” he said.

After the doves were gone, Mrs. Dole raised her arm again, and a rocket went flying up in the air over the school. It exploded in a million hundred directions,
and the next thing we knew, the sky was filled with fireworks! It was cool!

“Where did your mom get theâ”

“Rent-a-Fireworks,” said Ryan.

At the end of the fireworks show, we heard this huge roar up in the sky. I thought it was a hurricane or something. But then six jet planes zoomed right over our school, in formation! It was awesome! I had to hold on to my cap so it wouldn't fly off my head.

“Where did your momâ”

“Rent-a-Blue-Angels-Flyover,” said Ryan. “See, I told you my mom goes overboard.”

I didn't know what he was talking
about. His mom didn't fall out of a boat or anything. But it didn't matter, because after the jet planes flew away, Mr. Klutz got up onstage to make a speech.

“Second graders,” he said, “life is about challenges. Early in the school year I challenged you to read a million pages, and you did it. So I had to dress up in a gorilla suit. Next I challenged you to do a million math problems, and you did it. So I had to kiss a pig. Then I challenged you to write a million spelling words, and you did it. So I had to pogo-stick down Main Street in a turkey costume. Finally I challenged you to get the highest reading
score in the county, and you did it. So I had to paint my head orange. You always met my challenges. Now I have one last challenge for you.”

“What is it?” somebody yelled.

“If you kids line up in an orderly fashion and come onstage for your diplomas,” said Mr. Klutz, “I will let you throw your caps up in the air.”

All right! Throwing stuff is fun! That's the first rule of being a kid. At school, grown-ups are constantly telling us we're not allowed to throw stuff.

It was time for the big moment. Finally we were going to get our diplomas, throw our caps in the air, and eat cake. We all
lined up next to the stage.

Mr. Klutz read our names one by one. Mrs. Dole handed each of us a diploma. The parents were tripping all over each other trying to take pictures.

“Congratulations!” Mrs. Dole hollered after she handed out the last diploma. “You are now officially third graders!”

Yippee! I'd been waiting all year for this moment. Finally I was allowed to throw something at school. I took the cap
off my head and winged it as high and as far as I could.

And you'll never believe in a million hundred years what happened next.

10
Throwing Up

I threw my cap up like a Frisbee, really high and far. And then, like a Frisbee, it caught the wind and curved back toward me. I thought it might hit the stageâbut instead it hit the bowl that
held the eternal flame!

The bowl fell off its stand and onto the ground. My cap caught on fire, and everybody started freaking out.

“Quick! Somebody get a fire extinguisher!” Mr. Klutz yelled.

Mrs. Dole went running off to look for a fire extinguisher. Meanwhile, the wind whipped the flame and sparks around. The next thing we knew, the
CONGRATULATIONS, GRADUATES
! banner was on fire.

“Forget the fire extinguisher!” Mr. Klutz yelled. “Call the fire department!”

The banner was whipping around in the wind, and soon it didn't say
CONGRATULATIONS, GRADUATES
! anymore. All it said
was
RAT DATES
, because the rest of it had burned up.

Everybody was freaking out because there were sparks flying all over the place. Some of the sparks were falling on the hay at the petting zoo.

“Excuse me,” I said to Emily.

“What do you want, A.J.?” Emily asked, like she was all annoyed.

“I just wanted to let you know that you're on fire,” I told her.

It was true! Somehow a spark must have landed on Emily's gown, and her gown was going up in flames.

Emily freaked out and went running around like she was, well, on fire.
Which she was.

“HELP! I'M ON FIRE!” Emily screamed.

“STOP, DROP, AND ROLL!” everybody shouted.

Emily stopped, dropped, and rolled. But the only problem was that she rolled right into the table that was holding the giant cake!

The table toppled over and the cake slid offâlanding right on top of Emily! The good news was that the cake put out the fire. The bad news was that our cake was ruined.

“Five-second rule!” I shouted, and a bunch of us ran over to grab chunks of cake off the playground before five seconds
were up. Mmmm! It was great!

Meanwhile, the hay in the petting zoo had ignited, and the cows and chickens and goats were mooing and squawking and freaking out. One of the cows knocked down the wooden fence, and soon all the animals were running around the playground.

You should have been there! It was a real Kodak moment. But nobody was taking pictures because all the parents
were busy trying to avoid being trampled by the cows and goats.

“Remain calm!” screamed Mrs. Dole as she ran around, spraying a fire extinguisher.

“Run for your lives!” shouted Neil the nude kid as a goat chased him across the playground.

I was wondering if third grade would be canceled if the school burned down. But it didn't matter, because soon there was a siren coming down the street. A fire truck pulled up, and Officer Spence hopped off. He attached a hose to a hydrant in the street and
sprayed water all over the place. Everybody got soaked.

I thought it was all over; but in the middle of the playground, I saw Andrea's mom and Ryan's mom yelling at each other.

“This is all your fault!” Andrea's mom shouted. “You and your stupid graduation!”

“How was I supposed to know somebody would knock over the eternal flame?” shouted Ryan's mom.

The next thing we knew, the two PTA moms were wrestling each other on the ground and pulling each other's hair! And we got to see it live and in person!