Authors: Mrs Stephen Fry
6 Wednesday
Had a surprise when I was cleaning Viennetta's room this morning. I was dusting behind the secret panel at the back of her knicker drawer when I accidentally came across a book. I like to think I'm as broad-minded as the next person - unless the next person is Mrs Norton, that is - but I was quite shocked by the language used and the range of physical endeavours described. I've never read anything quite like it. I have to say I was very relieved when I realised it was only her diary!
7 Thursday
Just tried on my swimsuit. Obviously I look sensational in it, particularly with my red velvet bathing hat, but I suppose it wouldn't hurt to shed a pound or two so I've decided Stephen and I are going on a diet (although he doesn't appear to the casual observer to be overweight, I'm convinced all those takeaways and nights down the pub are stored up somewhere inside him like some kind of saturated time bomb, and he lacks the willpower to do this on his own).
I did consider using the project as an opportunity for the whole family to participate in collective activities. After all, we're constantly being bombarded by stories on the television and in celebrity magazines of an obesity epidemic among the nation's children. I'm not too worried, though, as I did have them all inoculated when they were younger, and I make sure I keep their fitness levels up by feeding them as much and as often as possible.
8 Friday
It's so warm tonight, Stephen's not wearing his pyjama bottoms. I don't think the rest of the pub has noticed.
9 Saturday
Stephen and I joined the gym up the road today to help get us into shape for our holiday. They have their own special exercise plan, Supa-cise. Stephen wasn't particularly keen at first, but after the introductory session with our personal fitness co-ordinator he seemed far more inspired. He even insisted we purchase her personal training video,
Kelly-Ann-Marie's Jiggle Your Way to a Joyful Body
, just to 'help keep up our enthusiasm'.
10 Sunday
Oh dear me, what a day! Poor Viennetta locked herself in her room. Of course, being the caring mother I am, I had to go up and see what the problem was. After all, she'd been crying her eyes out since she got up and
Heartbeat
finished last week so it can't have been that.
Eventually I managed to persuade her to open the door. We sat on her bed and I put my arm round her shoulders, just like it says on page 16 of the manual. Once her sobs had subsided, she told me what was upsetting her. I can't say I was surprised. In fact, I'm amazed she's remained pregnancy-free up to this point.
I asked her if she was sure and she reached under her pillow and handed me the proof. There was no doubt. There it was in black and white -
Local Teen In Fame Factor Baby Shame.
Wannabe singer Viennetta Fry was yesterday forced to withdraw from the
Fame Factor
regional semi-final when regulation
tests revealed her to be four months pregnant. Viennetta, 34-24-32, said she had been unaware of the rule and announced her intention to continue as a Britney Spears impersonator, competing instead in December's
Now There's a Bit of Talent
Grand Final with a new 2-for-1 solo and double act.
I folded up the newspaper, placed it back under the pillow and gave her a big hug (page 42). My motherly instincts told me it wasn't the right time to ask her who the father was. She's not good under pressure, poor dear. I'll give her a multiple choice questionnaire when she's had proper time to revise.
She asked me not to say anything to Stephen and I told her not to worry. He wouldn't know anything until it became really obvious, and maybe not even then. It wasn't until after he'd changed Stephen Junior's nappy for the first time that he realised I hadn't been in hospital with an over-inflated large intestine. I must say, seeing Viennetta like that really brought out my maternal instincts. I just wanted to help her. I remember what it was like the first time I got pregnant - the fear, the vulnerability, the loneliness. I'll go to the bookshop in the morning.
11 Monday
Went into town to get Viennetta's book. Fortunately, Remainders of the Day has the UK's largest Teenage Pregnancy section. I bought quite a few in the end -
Nine Months of Hell
,
Good Morning, Vomit
and
Benefits, Booze and Bungalows
-
A Single Mother's Guide
. Oh, and
Where Do Babies Come From?
- that one's for Stephen.
12 Tuesday
Stephen and I went to the gym this evening. We attended the special 'Couples' session for the first time. It was a very demanding routine - Stephen had to pummel a punch bag with his fists and feet, as I tried to pull him back while chanting the mantra 'Leave him alone. He's not worth it.' We arrived back at the house exhausted but pleased with our efforts. Next week it's the 'Did you spill my pint?' session.
13 Wednesday
The best part of arguing with Stephen is the make-up sex. The worst part is wiping the make-up off the pillow afterwards.
14 Thursday
Spent the morning clearing out the fridge as part of our holiday health regime. Out go the hi-cal lager, the Butter the Devil You Know and the entire 'You Could Be Run Over By A Bus Tomorrow' ready meal range, and in come the Supa-cise Diet Burger & Fries, the Supa-cise Low-cal Kebabeque Pizza and the Supa-cise 'Soup-a-cise' Soups (small size). I have to say that despite being much lower in calories, saturated fats and nutritional value, it's very difficult to detect any significant difference in taste, apart from possibly the soups, but that's easily solved with the addition of a few croutons. Or a leg of lamb.
15 Friday
Stephen's back early from the Red Lion tonight. Most unlike him. Sounds like Blue Suede Shoes Night didn't quite go to plan
-
the new landlord accidentally booked an elves impersonator. Apparently, he was over the moon to get work at this time of year but things began to turn ugly when he started asking the regulars if they were naughty or nice.
16 Saturday
I was hoping to go with Stephen to the new seventies club that's opened, A Mirrorball on 34th Street, tonight. Unfortunately, he can't go dancing at this time of year as he suffers from the most debilitating Saturday night hayfever. We've tried everything - Boogienase, Funkicillin, even a course of Travoltarol, but nothing seems to work. Instead, it was just the usual dull Saturday night in. Even the microwave seemed less interesting than normal, until I realised I'd been watching the TV.
17 Sunday
As today was such a lovely day, we decided to have a barbecue this afternoon. As usual, Stephen took charge of the whole thing - the lighting, the cooking, the ringing the fire brigade, the emergency accommodation
. . .
18 Monday
Couldn't go to the gym today - it was their annual stock-take and accounting irregularities general meeting - so we tried out their home couples' fitness routine, Sofa-cise. On reflection, it may have been advisable to wait until after the twins had gone to bed, but apparently at that age the impact of potentially traumatising events is pretty negligible.
19 Tuesday
Sports Day at the kids' school today. In fact, it wasn't actually
at
the school as the field, the playground and part of the hall are being bulldozed this week to make room for a brand new, state-of-the-art, high-security detention block. Instead, the school took advantage of its prestigious location and held the events in the surrounding area. And a full and varied programme it was too:
Firstly, the Obstacle Race, which took place in the Shangri-la shopping centre. Contestants had to make their way as quickly as they could from the central food hall to the exit, putting on as many items of clothing as possible whilst avoiding the clothes rails, shopping trolleys and security guards.
Then the canal made an ideal setting for the traditional Puppies in a Sack Race, followed by the three-legged race, also for pets, which was held in the local park.
Finally, the high street's dozen or so public houses hosted the ever-popular Parents' 100 Yards of Ale Dash. Alas, Stephen was banned from this year's race following his part in the drugs scandal at last year's event. Tests conclusively revealed he had none in his system, and this was deemed unsporting behaviour as the organisers felt it gave him an unfair advantage over the other competitors.
On a more positive note, Stephen Junior came home with a host of medals, although there is some doubt as to whether he will be allowed to keep them. It very much depends if they match the descriptions of the ones reported missing from the Military Antiques shop.
20 Wednesday
The kids have been learning all about stranger danger today from the man who came to babysit them. No idea who he was.
21 Thursday
Brangelina met her new teacher today. Apparently everyone at her school was so desperate to have her in their class next year that they all drew lots (or as Mr Burnside jokingly called it, Russian roulette) to see which lucky teacher would have the privilege. The winner turned out to be a Miss Campbell - a new young teacher from a small island off the Scottish coast. She qualified from Mrs McDougall's Educational Training and Agricultural College for Young Gentlewomen with flying colours, apparently, and by all accounts is terribly nice. She asked the children to draw a lovely picture of their favourite things so that she might get to know a little about them, and was very impressed with Brangelina's effort, even going so far as to describe her as a proper little Hieronymus Bosch! I'm so proud.
22 Friday
The children broke up for the summer holidays today. I have to say it will make a nice change, not having to get up early every weekday morning to ring the school absence hotline.
23 Saturday
Family trip to the cinema this evening. I was hoping to see the new Scandinavian arthouse film,
Nils by Mouth
, but as usual I was outvoted. Still, I suppose
Dude, Where's My Mermaid 2
had its moments.
24 Sunday
Stephen took a rare day off today (apparently the taxi firm insisted) so we thought we'd make the most of the gap between the thunder-showers and have some al fresco family fun.
I've always said there's not enough room in our back yard to swing a cat, but Stephen proved me wrong by improvising a Swingball set with my washing line and next-door's kitten. The kids also enjoyed splashing in the paddling pool. I say paddling pool - technically it's the overflow from the blocked drain.
I kept myself occupied - TV-cosies don't knit themselves - while Stephen watched some cricket or snooker game on the black and white portable with Hugh Junior standing on the shed roof, holding the aerial. It seemed the obvious option as he was already up there holding the lightning conductor.
All in all, we had a lovely time. So nice to know that in this day and age, Stephen and I can still make our own entertainment - and not just the 'special videos' he sells down the pub on a Friday night.
25 Monday
Had to pick the twins up early from nursery this morning. They'd been caught calling their teacher names behind her back. Asbo said they'd just been unlucky and that, in his words, 'Mrs Poo-poo Face must have ears in the back of her head'. Honestly, there are times when I seriously doubt whether I really am their mother. After all, you do hear stories about babies being accidentally swapped in the maternity unit. I'm not actually saying they're not mine, of course. Just that I only remember giving birth to one child.
26 Tuesday
The sparrows have been at the milk again. I don't know how they do it now we have those plastic cartons. And I always keep the fridge door shut.
27 Wednesday
Stephen's taken the morning off today, while he has the vomit cleaned off the back seat of his cab. He did try to make the customer pay for it but apparently he refused, saying Stephen shouldn't have done it in the first place.