“I know.”
“You’re mad.”
“It’s just hard without you, Nathan.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. “Happy Thanksgiving.”
“Happy Thanksgiving, honey.”
We say good-bye, and I hand the phone to the girls.
We get to Marta’s a half hour later than I expected, but the girls end up crying after talking to Nathan and I need some time to calm them all down and help them cheer up.
At Marta’s, we find that Eva has made us all turkey napkin rings out of colored paper and written our names on little pumpkins in gold and silver felt markers. Candles the color of brown sugar line the table, and a big autumn arrangement fills the center.
Marta’s parents sit at the table with us, and as I look around the table, I see two generations of moms and daughters.
I haven’t had a mother in so long that I’m not sure what to feel as I look around the table.
Marta gives a small, brief prayer. I don’t know why I’m shocked that she’d say a Thanksgiving prayer. You’d think she was a she-devil instead of my boss and, just maybe, my friend.
The food is good, though. Marta has cooked a turkey with a cornbread-and-pecan stuffing that comes from her dad’s family since he was a good ol’ southern boy. Her dad absolutely dotes on his wife, waiting on her hand and foot, even when she gets up and wanders off and doesn’t want to return to the table and seems to think the living room is a good place to take off her clothes.
Tori tries not to laugh as Marta and her dad wrestle Mrs. Zinsser back into her dress. Jemma gives Tori a dirty look before turning to me, her expression devastated. My girls are so sheltered. We don’t see Nathan’s mom often because she doesn’t like me. We don’t see my parents because I don’t like them. Yet here’s Marta and her dad trying to keep Marta’s mom home as long as possible when everyone else thinks it’s time to institutionalize her.
It hits me how hard this thing called life is and how ridiculous it is to make it any harder than it has to be.
Abruptly I rise and begin clearing plates, as everyone is done and I can’t sit at the table and ignore Mrs. Zinsser’s tears in the living room.
Poor Mrs. Zinsser.
Jemma and Eva enter the kitchen with more plates. “Thank you,” I say, surprised to see Jemma clearing the table without my asking. She doesn’t do it at home without a fight.
She obviously wants to impress someone. Eva? Marta? My mom and . . . convict?
Soon all the girls are up and clearing plates and glasses. Without waiting for direction, I just begin hand washing. My good china can’t go into the dishwasher and I don’t know about Marta’s, but washing them the old-fashioned way works just as well.
Marta enters the kitchen just as I finish the last of the pots and pans.
“Sorry,” she says, glancing around and seeing that the mounds of dishes are now all done. “That wasn’t part of the plan.”
I laugh a little, rinse off my hands, and accept the dish towel Marta’s holding out to me. “What’s the old saying? The best-laid plans . . . ?”
Marta slides some of the dried pots and pans into the cupboard next to her stove. “Your mom is pretty cool.”
I lean against the counter, my elbows on the edge. “Of course you’d like her. Her husband was a founding member of the Hell’s Angels.”
Marta laughs and smashes down the garbage. “He was not.”
“He did ride with them.”
She shrugs. “He does have some great stories.”
I exhale hard, blowing wisps of hair from my eyes. “Which are fascinating if the stories aren’t told by your mother’s convict lover.”
Marta’s choking on her laughter. “She introduced him as her husband.”
“Oh, he is. They got married while he was still in prison. Would love to see those wedding pic—” I break off as I realize my mom is standing in the doorway with the water pitcher in her hands.
She just looks at me and extends her arms, holding out the pitcher.
Wordlessly, I cross the floor and take the pitcher from her. Mom returns to the formal dining room without uttering a word.
Marta looks at me as I carry the pitcher to the sink. Numbly I dump out the water before setting the empty pitcher on the counter.
“Taylor—”
“I was wrong,” I cut her off. “I was just trying to be funny, but it wasn’t funny.” Swiftly I head to the dining room, where everyone’s still sitting, waiting for pie. I gaze at Mom, hoping she’ll look at me, but she doesn’t, and when I return to the table a minute later carrying a pie, I can see my mom’s hand under the table. She’s holding Ray’s hand. Tightly.
We walked to Marta’s house for dinner, and we walk home a few hours later, all of us bundled back in our coats. Mom and Ray walk side by side, with Tori holding Mom’s hand.
I walk behind Mom and Ray and Tori. Seeing Mom holding Tori’s hand reminds me of Mom with my sister, Cissy. Cissy loved to hold Mom’s hand.
As we approach the house, Mom turns to tell me she and Ray will probably call it a night. They didn’t get much sleep last night, and if they’re going to be of any help in the morning, they better get some rest now.
“You can have my room,” I offer, as my bed isn’t yet dismantled.
“We sleep in the cab,” Ray answers, gesturing to his truck.
“I don’t mind,” I protest.
Mom stops before the front steps, leans down, and kisses the top of Tori’s head before letting her hand go. “This is how Ray and I always travel.” She looks straight at me as if anticipating an argument.
I don’t argue. “You know where the guest bath is. There should still be a couple clean towels out . . . unless I accidentally boxed everything up.”
“We have our own towels.” Mom smiles at the girls, then a smaller, more guarded smile at me. “Good night.”
The next day early in the afternoon, I drive to the rental house and Ray follows in his truck, the back filled with bedroom furniture. He’s going to set up the girls’ furniture in their rooms while Mom and I keep packing at the Yarrow Point house.
I take Ray on a quick tour of the house. “Jemma’s stuff will go in this room, and Brooke and Tori are going to share this room.”
Ray looks around the tiny bedrooms. “How is all of Tori and Brooke’s furniture going to fit in here?”
“It’s not.” I rub the back of my neck, my muscles aching. I’m aching, so tired that all I can think about is lying down somewhere and taking a nap. “I’m getting rid of Tori’s set, it’s toddler furniture anyway, and Tori will sleep in Brooke’s trundle bed.”
“Do they know that?” he asks. Having spent the last twenty-four hours with the girls, he’s gotten to know their personalities.
“Yeah, but I don’t think the reality of it has hit them yet. It will tonight when we spend the first night in our new house.”
“You’ve got your hands full, don’t you?” He’s a big guy, a tough guy, and yet his voice is so sympathetic that I don’t know where to look or what to do.
“We’re getting by,” I say at last.
He nods. “Okay, then. I know what to do here. I’ll be back soon as I’m done.”
I’m just heading out the front door when Ray’s voice stops me. “Your mom’s a good woman, Taylor. She did try to make it work with your father.”
I slowly turn to face him, take in his black thermal shirt, his shaggy gray hair, his weathered complexion. He has a good face, a kind face, and he strikes me as pretty decent, but he and I aren’t going to see eye to eye on Mom. “No offense to you, Ray, but she had kids. You don’t leave your kids just because you don’t love their father.”
“She didn’t leave you. She left him.”
I give him another long look. “When you’re a kid, it’s the same thing.”
“But you’re not a kid anymore.”
I open my mouth to say something smart, something that will put him in his place, but no words come. Maybe because there’s nothing I can say.
He’s right. Ray, the trucker convict, is right.
At least in this case.
I don’t mention my conversation with Ray to Mom when I return to the house to continue packing. And although Mom and I tackle the kitchen together, we don’t say much to each other. It’s hard to erase a lifetime of hurts in one day, but I appreciate her help and I’m glad she’s here. I’m also grateful to Nathan for thinking to call her when he realized I’d be alone trying to get us moved.
Nathan’s trying, I think.
We’re all trying.
In the kitchen, we empty the refrigerator and freezer into boxes, and while I drive the cold things to the rental house to transfer into the fridge and freezer there, Mom starts in on the cupboards and pantry.
Dinner isn’t fancy. As I transfer all the perishables and unload the kitchen foodstuffs, Ray and Mom hit Kentucky Fried Chicken for a big fast family dinner.
We sit on the floor of the rental house, Mom and Ray, the girls and me, eating our bucket of Original Recipe KFC, sides of biscuits, coleslaw, and mashed potatoes, and I realize I’m lucky. Lots of people have no one. I’ve got my kids. And whether I want to admit it or not, Ray and my mom.
Saturday late afternoon, I’m unpacking towels and sheets into the rental house’s tiny hall closet when my cell phone rings. I can hear it ringing in the kitchen but can’t find it beneath the mounds of paper from the glassware Mom’s been unwrapping.
Mom’s the one who uncovers it. She digs through the paper, finds the phone, and hands it to me.
It’s Lucy on the other end of the line. “Taylor, where are you?” she asks, her voice barely audible over the sound of voices and music.
I push a wave of hair off my face. “I’m home unpacking. Why? Where are you?”
“Patti and Don’s good-bye party.”
My stomach falls. “What party?”
“Their good-bye party. The invite was sent weeks ago. I’m sure you got one—”
“I didn’t!”
“Well, come anyway. Come now.”
I tip my head to hold the phone between my cheek and shoulder as I grab an armful of paper to carry out to recycling. “I can’t leave everybody here,” I protest.
“But you can’t miss saying good-bye, either,” she answers.
Ray sees me coming with my arms full of paper, and he opens the front door for me. I scoot past him and dump the paper outside in the carport’s recycling bin.
“Just come,” Lucy insists. “I know how close you are with Patti.”
“Where is the party?”
“The Belosis’. It was a surprise party for Patti and Don. But you should come over and say good-bye. Patti and the kids leave early in the morning.”
I glance at my watch. Five forty-five. “What time does the party end?”
“Six. It started at two. It was an open house. But come now. I’m still here, and so is Patti. I’ll wait for you.”
After disconnecting, I go into the house and head straight to the kitchen. Mom’s still unwrapping dishes and putting them on my freshly painted cupboard shelves. “Mom, can I—” I break off, thinking how weird that sounded.
Mother, may I?
She looks at me, startled, too, and then we both laugh. “I haven’t said that in a long time, have I?” I say.
She smiles wryly.
“No.”
“One of my best friends is moving tomorrow. Today was the going-away party and it’s almost over. I don’t know why I didn’t know about it, but would you be all right here with the girls if I dashed over to the party for a bit? I won’t be long. A half hour or so at the most.”
“Go. We’re fine with the girls.”
I rummage in the wardrobe boxes that fill my new bedroom, pulling out a long-sleeved peasant-style blouse in a gorgeous blue gray satin. I pair the blouse with dark skinny jeans, a black belt, black boots, and good hoop earrings. With some lipstick and mascara, I look almost presentable, and I do it all—clothes, hair, and makeup—in less than ten minutes.
The Belosis’ house is in Clyde Hill, facing Seattle with unobstructed views of the Olympic Mountains, the Seattle skyline, and Lake Washington. Their property is so big that it qualifies as an estate. It’s a Mediterranean-style home with a high wrought-iron fence.
There are only a few cars in the circular driveway when I pull up, so I park on the right-hand side between a silver Mercedes SUV and a white Hummer.
I hurry into the house and discover Lucy hovering in the marble foyer, waiting for me. “They’ve just left,” she says, hugging me.
I’ve been trying so hard lately and fighting the good fight, but all of a sudden there’s no more fight left in me. “How could they leave? Didn’t they know I was coming?”
“Kate and Bill were taking them out to dinner. They had a six-fifteen reservation at Canlis and couldn’t wait.” Lucy sees my expression, and she gives me another hug. “It wasn’t you, Taylor, it wasn’t. They had plans they couldn’t change.”
I take a frustrated step back. “But why didn’t I know about the party? Why wasn’t I told?”
Lucy shakes her head. “It was an oversight, I’m sure.”
“Is everything going to be an oversight now?”
“I don’t know,” she says. “But let’s go. We’ll get coffee now, and you know you’ll see Patti before she goes. There’s no way she’d leave without seeing you.”
“But what must she think? I didn’t even show up at her party!”
“She knows you’re moving. She knows you’re under tremendous pressure. So stop beating yourself up. Okay?”
We agree to meet at the Tully’s on Main Street. It’s farther away than the Tully’s on Points Drive or the various Starbucks downtown, but it’s small and private, and parking is easy since you don’t have to deal with the congestion on 8th and Bellevue Way.
As I park it starts to rain, and by the time I’m inside, it’s coming down hard. I stand next to the front doors, trying not to feel overdressed, when I spot Monica at a table in the corner with a man who isn’t Doug.
I watch as Monica and the man lean in close as they talk. Their heads are very near, and their hands are also on the table, ostensibly holding coffee cups, and yet their fingers are almost touching.
It isn’t until the man shifts that I recognize him. It’s that new dad, the one who moved with his surgeon wife from the East Coast.
Maybe they’re having a committee meeting. Monica did say she’d gotten him to agree to co-chair Fun Day with her. But their body language doesn’t say school business. Their body language says personal. Intimate. But not sex. At least not yet.
The front door opens and Lucy dashes inside, chin tucked down against the rain. She’s wearing just a black blouse and black slacks without a coat, and she’s shivering as she pushes her damp blond hair back from her face. “Sorry I’m late. I shouldn’t have taken Bellevue Way. I don’t know why I did that. Traffic is horrible around the mall, especially this weekend with everyone out shopping.”
“How was your Thanksgiving?” I ask after we’ve finished ordering.
“As good as one can be. I had the kids this year. Next year I won’t.”
“Next year you come to my house for Thanksgiving, then,” I answer, reaching over to give her a hug. I’m surprised at how thin she is. You can feel the vertebrae in her back.
“Are you eating?” I ask her.
She shrugs. “I’m just not hungry.”
“Just make sure you take care of yourself.”
Coffees in hand, we go in search of a seat. Lucy freezes just in front of me. “Monica’s here,” she whispers.
“I saw.”
“Who is she with?”
I glance at Monica and the dad. Their hands are so close, they’re practically touching now.
“He’s a Points Elementary dad. I think he’s co-chairing Fun Day with her.”
Lucy watches them a moment, than shakes her head. “She should be careful.”
We find two big armchairs on the opposite side of the café.
“That’s how it starts,” she adds, sitting in the leather chair and curling her legs up beneath her. “You talk, and he listens. The guy . . . the one I ruined my life over . . . he hooked me by listening.”
She makes a soft sound of disgust. “I didn’t realize how badly I wanted someone to talk to me, to listen. Pete stopped listening years ago, and I guess I got lonely. I didn’t even know how lonely I was until this other man paid me attention. He really looked at me when I talked, he really listened to what I said, and it made me feel so good. More beautiful than all the nips and tucks in the world. That’s what love does. It makes you feel beautiful from the inside out.”
Now Lucy darts a glance in Monica’s direction. “Do you think she’s having an affair?”
“I don’t know, nor do I want to know.” I deliberately turn my body so that I can’t see Monica or her table. “Between book club and my house, she’s not on my popular list right now.”
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I was at the gym yesterday when I had an idea. Let’s start our own book club—”
“Noooooo.”
“I heard about it on the Internet. This lady in Texas started it, and all we have to do is read the book, wear a tiara, and dress in pink and leopard skin.”
My jaw must have smacked the ground four times while Lucy was talking. “Lucy Wellsley, you’ve lost your mind.”
“There’d be no diet foods,” she continues cheerfully, “just good food, and no negativity.”
“Perhaps,” I say grudgingly, as I’m not ready for another book group, but I like seeing Lucy happy like this. “Do you still love Pete?” I ask abruptly. I don’t know why I ask the question or where it comes from, but I suddenly need to know.
She clasps her coffee and thinks a long moment. “We made three kids together, so part of me thinks I should love him, but I don’t like him. He’s been so ugly. It’s not just that he’s going after custody, but the things he says . . . I’m not a fit mother, that I’m a bad person, a bad woman . . . it’s so unnecessary. It’s as if he can’t help hitting below the belt, over and over. I can handle a lot, but the constant attacks wear me out.”
A shadow passes and then stops. Lucy breaks off, and we look up to see Monica standing directly in front of us with the PTA dad almost right against her side.
“Oh!” Monica exclaims, flushing. She takes a swift, self-conscious step away from the PTA dad. “I didn’t know you two were here.”
“We saw you when we came in but didn’t want to bother you,” Lucy answers.
“We were just having a meeting.” Monica takes yet another step back. “Taylor, Lucy, do you remember Leon Baker? He and his wife moved here from Philadelphia over the summer. Leon’s organizing the Fun Day with me this year.”
“Yes, I do remember you, Leon. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Lucy extends her hand. “I’m Lucy Wellsley, my younger two children attend Points Elementary. My older son is a seventh grader at Chinook.”
“Nice to meet you.” Leon shakes hands with Lucy, then turns to me. “And I remember you from Back-to-School Night. You gave one of the welcome speeches.”
“I did, yes.”
“You’re the auction chair, right?”
“I am, and at this point I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or bad thing. My auction co-chair is moving.”
Monica claps her hand to her head. “Patti’s party. I forgot. We were so busy talking about our ideas for Fun Day that I totally forgot to stop by the Belosis’.”
“I better run,” Leon announces. “I’ve got to get home to the wife and kids. We’re seeing Santa tonight. He’s apparently arrived here at the mall.” He lifts a hand in farewell. “It was nice to meet you. Monica, I’ll be in touch.” Then he’s gone.
Monica watches him leave for a moment before turning back to us. “So . . .” She struggles to smile, but she looks almost bereft. “How are things?”
“Fine,” Lucy and I answer simultaneously. Monica nods, and it’s awkward at best.
“Well, happy Thanksgiving,” she says.
“Happy Thanksgiving,” I answer, with Lucy chiming more or less the same. Monica leaves, and Lucy and I get up to go, too. As I dash through the rain to my car, I reach into my purse for my keys and my phone. Must call Patti. Must make sure she’ll stop by or meet me for coffee in the morning before she leaves.
Patti swings by the Yarrow Point house Sunday morning en route to the airport, with her kids and a tray of lattes and bag of warm, freshly baked bagels. “I got your message,” she says after I’ve introduced her to Mom and Ray and her kids disappear with mine to the now empty bonus room. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t at the Belosis’ when you arrived. But you know I’d never leave without seeing you first.”
I’ve been pretty damn stoic about her move until now, but suddenly I can’t do it. I can’t let her go. Tears fill my eyes, and I just look at her, shake my head. “Don’t go.”
“Taylor!” Tears fill Patti’s eyes, and she’s suddenly hugging me. “I can’t believe I have to leave you like this. Your life has gone to shit.”
I’m crying and laughing against her. “It sucks. It’s a nightmare.”
“You’ll get through it.”
“I know.” I step back, wipe my eyes on the back of my wrist. “Maybe that’s the part that makes me the craziest. I know I’ll survive. I’ve been through too much.”
“What’s the saying? That which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger?”
We laugh some more and sit with our coffee on the staircase and talk about everything and nothing for a half hour until she has to go.
When we say good-bye this time, there are no tears. She’s my friend. I love her. I’ll miss her. But as women, we do what we have to do.
Mom and Ray leave Sunday afternoon. They have a 770-mile drive back to Santa Rosa. I had hoped they’d leave earlier, but Mom refused to go until all the boxes were out of the house and everything at the new house looked like home.
The kids hug Mom and Ray good-bye, and then I walk them out to their truck. “Thank you,” I say again. “There’s no way I could have done this without you.”
“Happy to help,” Ray answers, climbing into the truck.
Mom stands facing me. I look at her for what seems like forever. I haven’t seen her in a decade. How long will it be until I see her again?
“Sorry it was such a lousy Thanksgiving, Mom.”
She half smiles, her eyes a lighter shade than mine. “It was a good Thanksgiving, Taylor.”
“You had to work hard.”
“I got to see you and the girls.”
“Thank you.”
“Anytime, Taylor. Just pick up the phone.”
I look at her a long time, trying to remember her, trying to remember this. This is a good feeling. No anger, no resentment, no bitterness. “Drive safely,” I whisper.
Her eyes search mine. “We will.” Then she swings herself up and into the passenger side of the truck.
The girls come running out of the house as Ray starts the truck, and the four of us stand on our little lawn and wave them off while Tori blows kisses.
“I like Grandma,” Tori says wistfully as the truck disappears down the street.
“I like Ray,” Jemma adds.
Brooke grins. “I like Ray’s tattoos.”
It’s a battle getting the girls ready for bed tonight. As I make them take baths in the little bathroom with the hideous tub and sink (I couldn’t paint those), they realize for the first time that we aren’t going back to our house.
The rental house is home now. There’s no going back to the big, beautiful house on the lake. This dark, little house with low ceilings and narrow aluminum windows is where we live.
Wrapped in bathrobes, the girls huddle on my bed, crying as I comb out their long, wet hair.
“It’s only for six months or a year,” I say, trying to cheer them.