Mud and Gold (40 page)

‘Yes, I’m really fat,’ Amy agreed. ‘Don’t
worry, I won’t be for long. You’ll see, by Christmas I’ll be as
skinny as ever. Tommy, it’s lovely to see you! I haven’t seen you
for months. But why did you come today? And where’s Georgie?’

‘He’s got a cough. He had to stay home
today. I just wanted to see you.’ Thomas looked up at her and his
lower lip trembled. ‘That’s all right, isn’t it?’

‘Of course it is. I’ve been missing you.
Does Mama know you’re here? Oh, you say “Ma” now, don’t you? Now
you’re a big boy going to school. And you’ll be seven soon, won’t
you?’

Thomas looked troubled. ‘I’m meant to say
“Mother”. That’s what she tells me I’m to say. But I forget
sometimes. And kids at school laugh when I say “Mother”. They
reckon I should say “Ma”. That’s what they all say.’

Trust Susannah to make it hard
.
‘Well, maybe you should say “Ma” at school and “Mother” at
home.’

‘I do try and say that. It’s hard to
remember, though.’ He looked far more worried than this problem
seemed to justify. Amy was sure there must be something else on his
mind that he would tell her in his own time.

‘Yes, it must be hard, Tommy. I think you’ll
get used to it, though. Does Ma… Mother know you’re here?’

‘No. She won’t care. She’ll think I’m still
at school.’

‘Well, I suppose it’s all right as long as
you go home before it gets late. Hold on, I’ll just get these last
few things off the line then you can help me carry it all back to
the house.’

Thomas took one handle of the tin bath that
Amy used as a clothes basket, and they made their slow way back to
the house while David danced happily around them.

‘Thank you, Tommy, that was a big help, you
carrying one side. We’ll just leave it on the floor for now,’ she
said as they entered the kitchen. ‘I’ll get you some milk and
biscuits, shall I? I bet you’re hungry, boys are always
hungry.’

She piled biscuits onto a plate and poured
mugs of milk for the three of them, sitting David on the floor to
drink his while she took a seat close to Thomas.

‘Now, you must tell me all about school. I
bet you’re learning lots of things. Is Miss Radford a nice
teacher?’

‘Ye-es,’ Thomas said. ‘She’s quite nice. But
she gives you the strap when you do things wrong.’

‘That’s so you won’t do them wrong again,
Tommy. That’s why teachers strap you. You’re a clever boy, you
don’t get things wrong much, do you?’

‘Not much. I did my spelling wrong last
week. Miss Radford only growled me and said I should try harder,
then she helped me with the hard words. She’s quite nice. But…’

‘What?’ Amy probed, seeing his face grow
troubled.

‘I told M-Mother about it, and she was
really wild. She said I’ll disgrace her if I’m dumb at school. What
does “disgrace” mean, Amy?’

‘That’s a hard word to explain. It means…
well, it means when someone does bad things and then everyone
thinks they’re awful. Don’t worry, Tommy, you’ll never disgrace
anyone. Mother only said it because she was annoyed.’

‘She said I wasn’t going to be a stupid farm
boy. She said if I carry on being stupid it’ll have to be b-beaten
out of me.’ He looked plaintively at Amy. ‘I didn’t mean to do it
wrong.’

‘Of course you didn’t. Mama… Ma… oh, you’ve
got me doing it now,
Mother
didn’t mean it. She was just
angry.’

‘She
did
mean it, she did! She’ll
make Pa give me a hiding. M-Mother hates me,’ he finished in a
wail.

‘Tommy, no! You mustn’t say that. Mother
doesn’t hate you.’

‘She does! She hates me. She said I was a
hateful little devil—she said it just yesterday. She said she
wished I’d never been born. Mama hates me,’ he sobbed.

Amy reached out and tugged him gently from
his chair towards her. ‘Come on, cuddle up. Climb on my lap, never
mind my fat tummy.’ She put her arms around him and he laid his
head on her breast as his sobs slowly eased. ‘There, that’s better,
isn’t it? Tommy, sometimes when grown-ups are tired or annoyed they
say things they don’t mean. I know it’s hard, but you have to learn
not to take any notice when they say silly things.’

‘Mother and Pa have awful fights sometimes.
I hear them through the wall.’

Amy remembered hearing muffled shouts
through that same wall. ‘Put your head under the pillow when they
start. You won’t hear them if you do that.’

‘They had one last night. Mother said she
hated living on the farm. She said Pa shouldn’t have made her come.
She said she wished she’d never met him. Pa said he wished she
never had either.’

The wall wasn’t
that
thin. ‘Tommy,
have you been listening at the wall?’ Amy asked.

Thomas’s guilty expression was answer
enough. ‘She said George and me would drive her to distraction if
Pa didn’t sort us out. She said we were turning into horrible
little brutes. She’ll make him give me a hiding,’ he wailed.

‘Shh, Tommy, shh. Pa doesn’t really give you
many hidings, does he?’

‘No,’ Thomas admitted. ‘But Mother said he
will if I get in trouble at school. She said he’ll give me a really
awful hiding. And… and I got two sums wrong at school today, and
Miss Radford hit me with the ruler. See?’ He held out his palm and
Amy studied it, but there was no sign of any red mark; the strokes
must have been very soft. It was not Miss Radford’s mild
chastisement that had got Thomas in such a state. ‘Papa will hate
me too!’ He lapsed into sobbing once again. Amy held him tightly
and kissed the tears as they welled out of his eyes.

‘Tommy, Pa will never, ever hate you. And
you’re not hateful, you mustn’t believe that. You’re my little
brother, and I love you. Pa does too. So does Mother, she’s just
not so good at showing it.’ She brushed a lock of black hair away
from his face. ‘Do you remember how I used to look after you when
you were little?’

‘Yes,’ Thomas said, his voice muffled
against her bodice. ‘I remember. But you went away. You came to
live here at Uncle Charlie’s instead. Why did you do that,
Amy?’

How could she begin to explain to a
six-year-old? ‘I… I just had to.’

‘Why did you go away, Amy?’ Fresh tears
welled up as he gazed at her. ‘Was it because I was naughty?’

‘Oh, no, Tommy.’ She pressed him against her
so that he would not see her face. ‘It’s because
I
was,’ she
said softly.

Thomas looked at her without understanding.
‘I remember once we all went on the big boat up to Auckland. You
and me and Mother and George. We went to visit Grandmama and
Grandpapa. I didn’t like it there. Their house was full of things
you weren’t allowed to touch. But you weren’t there, Amy.’

‘No. I had to stay with another lady. I
didn’t know you remembered all that.’

‘I do. We came home and you still weren’t
there.’ He looked confused. ‘But then you were there again.’

‘That’s right. Pa came up to Auckland to
fetch me.’

‘I don’t remember that bit. You were there,
then you went away. Can’t you come back again, Amy?’

Amy forced herself to smile so that the
tears she could feel pricking at her eyes would not upset him. ‘No,
Tommy. I can’t come back. I have to look after Uncle Charlie, you
see, and Mal and Davie. Who’d look after them all if I went
home?’

‘I see.’ Thomas looked disappointed. ‘Could
I come and live here with you?’

‘Wouldn’t you miss Pa? And what about
Georgie?’

‘Maybe they could come and live here,
too.’

Amy laughed. ‘This is only a little house,
Tommy. There’s no room for a big boy like you, let alone all those
others. And anyway, Pa has to look after the farm.’

‘But I could sleep in your bed.’

‘No you couldn’t, Tommy. I have to sleep in
Uncle Charlie’s bed.’ She made herself smile again as she looked at
his serious face. ‘It’s not very easy being little, is it? You know
something, darling? Sometimes it’s not that easy being a grown-up,
either.’ She glanced at the clock; it was high time she got the
washing folded and dinner underway.

‘Tommy, I’m glad you came to see me, and you
can come and visit me another day. But you’d better go home
now.’

He clung to her. ‘I don’t want to.’

‘Why? Because you’re scared Pa will give you
a hiding?’ Thomas nodded solemnly.

Amy studied him. If she forced him to go off
by himself, he might well decide to run off into the bush rather
than face the wrath he feared. But what could she do to calm him?
Only one thing, she decided.

‘I tell you what, Tommy. What say I take you
home, and we go and see Pa first. I’ll have a talk with Pa, and I
promise he won’t give you a hiding. Do you trust me?’

‘Ye-es,’ Thomas said doubtfully, then he
gave her a watery smile. ‘Yes.’

‘Good boy. We’d better take Davie—oh, Davie,
what a worried face!’ She laughed at the sight of David staring
wide-eyed at them. ‘Here’s us two being all serious, we’ve got
Davie doing it too.’ David grinned back when he saw her smile.

After a detour to the milking shed, where
Charlie was getting the cows into the yard while Malcolm trailed at
his heels, to ask permission for the outing, Amy set off holding a
small hand in each of hers.

She made straight for the cow shed, where
she knew she would find her father and older brothers.

‘Amy! I didn’t expect to see you here,’ Jack
greeted her, standing up from a milking stool and enfolding her in
a careful hug. ‘You’re puffing like a steam engine, girl!’ he said
in concern as her chest heaved against him.

‘It’s the walk,’ Amy said. ‘Everything’s a
bit of a struggle just now. I’ll be all right when I catch my
breath.’ She paused for a few moments to let her breathing slow.
‘Tommy came to see me, Pa. He’s worried about something. Tell Pa,
Tommy,’ she coaxed, holding his hand tightly.

‘I got two sums wrong, Pa. Miss Radford hit
me with the ruler. I’m sorry.’ He looked up at his father with a
pleading expression.

‘Only two?’ Jack laughed. ‘That means you
must have got a lot of them right, boy. I’m not much good at sums,
your sister used to help me with mine. Hey, it’s nothing to cry
about, Tom.’ He patted his little son on the shoulder. As she
watched the two of them together, Amy was struck by how much Thomas
looked like their father. It occurred to her to wonder whether that
was one of the reasons he seemed to attract so large a share of his
mother’s resentment.

Amy chose her words with care. ‘Pa, Tommy
thinks Mother will be annoyed with him. He thinks she’ll want you
to give him a hiding. I told him you wouldn’t—I
promised
him
you wouldn’t. Please tell Tommy that’s right.’

Jack gave a heavy sigh. ‘It doesn’t take
much to make her wild with him. Don’t worry, Tom, I won’t give you
a hiding for getting two sums wrong. She can go crook at me
instead.’

‘Thank you, Pa,’ Thomas said, his face
breaking into a smile.

Amy left them in each other’s company and
took David’s hand to make her way home. She wished there were not
quite so many fences to climb, each of them making her
uncomfortable burden stab at her ribs.

‘Carry me, Mama,’ David begged when they
were barely halfway back.

‘Oh, Davie, can’t you walk? You’re very
heavy for me, and Mama’s tired.’

‘Please, Mama.’ He held out his arms; Amy
sighed and gathered him up. She had to lift him over each fence
before clambering over it herself.

Weariness made her clumsier than ever. As
she crossed the last fence, she lost her balance and went sprawling
on the ground. She tried to stand, then crouched on her hands and
knees until the wave of nausea her fall had brought on passed. She
clambered to her feet, picked up David and forced herself to walk
on.

Black spots began to interfere with her
vision as she stumbled up the last hill before the house. She
almost tripped on the doorstep, catching herself on the jamb at the
last moment. She staggered into the kitchen and let David slip to
the floor. ‘Time to start making dinner. Ohh, I feel awful, Davie.
I wish I could lie down. Mustn’t be lazy, though. Mustn’t keep Papa
waiting.’ Amy took a step, and the room tilted alarmingly. She
reached out for the nearest chair, but it jumped away from her
grasp. She groped wildly for it; there was a crash as the chair
tumbled to the floor. Amy fell across it, her belly landing heavily
on the edge of the seat. She screamed with pain as she rolled off
the chair and onto her back.

Red shafts of agony stabbed at the backs of
her eyes. She clutched at her belly, trying to lift herself
upright.
It’s the baby. The baby’s coming. It’s too early! I’m
going to die
.

August 1889

There was a high-pitched wailing echoing
around the room.
Stop it
, Amy wanted to cry out, but she had
no voice for any sound but inhuman groans. It was David, she knew,
howling at the sight of his mother writhing in agony on the
floor.

The noise faded away. Amy tried to raise
herself to see what David was doing, but the attempt made blackness
come more thickly over her vision. She lay back and let the
convulsions rack her body as they wished.

There was no sense of time. She did not know
how much later it was when a face loomed over her.

‘What’s going on? It’s the child, isn’t it?
It’s started early.’ It was Charlie’s voice, grating painfully in
her head.

Amy nodded, the movement making black dots
swim across her eyes.

‘I’d better get you into town, then.’ He
made to lift her. Amy screamed with the pain of being moved.

‘No, Charlie,’ she forced rasping words out
of her tight throat. ‘You can’t. I’d never bear the trip.’

‘Well, what am I supposed to do?’ he
demanded.

Amy could hear the fear in his voice.
Scared he’ll lose his new son
. ‘Bring the nurse out here.
Bring me Mrs Coulson.’