Authors: Mikael Aizen
"No.
You
did it because you wanted my father to suffer," Callie challenged.
She didn't believe that he'd done it for her.
His heart fell.
Maybe she was right, maybe he was still making excuses for himself.
No, she WAS right.
It was an excuse.
Even now he was making excuses.
Perhaps this was how all murderer became murderers.
"You're right," Kyle answered.
"I did it to make your father suffer.
For killing Del because he didn't have to.
I was angry.
And also to get Jess and Ryant back for what they did to you and me.
But that's why I'm here, because I made wrong choices.
The only time I actually
had
a choice, I chose to murder.
I guess...it's who I am.
I'm sorry, Callie."
The way she looked at him showed him how much she'd grown up.
He felt young and childish before her, like they were a lifetime apart.
"I understand," she said.
"I always understand you.
Even when you're wrong, I understand.
Sometimes it takes me some time, but I always know deep inside what you're feeling."
"Callie..."
This is it.
Goodbye.
"Do you have the bell your father gave you?" she asked.
Kyle nodded.
He took it out, the bell that looked like it'd been taken from a cow.
It was rusty, dented, and ugly.
"Has he told you what it means?"
"Each time he comes, he tells me it means choice.
It doesn't make sense because I've already murdered and I'm already a murderer, I've made my choices and I'm going to lose the rest of life because of my choices."
And after today, after she'd finally come and seen him, he planned to lose his life for good.
Callie smiled sadly.
She looked deep into his eyes.
"He means, Kyle, that whatever you've done.
You can choose to be whoever you want in this moment.
Right now.
You can choose NOT to be a murderer, and you won't be.
Even if it doesn't change anything you've done, even if you've murdered in the past, you still have that choice of who you are today.
Your father had to make the same choice in Murderer City.
Many times.
He decided not to be a murderer, and he hopes you will too."
"Why does that even matter if it doesn't change anything?"
"Because it matters to your father.
It matters to me."
She turned to leave.
"I've already forgiven you, Kyle,
before
I came here today."
He stared at her.
What did that mean?
"And if I can forgive you, why can't you forgive yourself?
You were the nicest boy I've ever met and I think that you still are the nicest boy I've ever met--if you want to be.
Don't be like a duck, just...be you.
I'll see you soon, Kyle.
I
want
to see you soon."
She gave him a sweet, sad-less smile.
"Forgive yourself," she said again.
"Then you can be anyone you want to be.
It's up to you."
She left.
The words.
The words she said were similar to Pa's.
But the way she said it sunk deeper into him than any words had ever done.
She knew what Kyle wanted to do, but she left anyway like she knew he would be around the next time she visited.
Unlike the other times that Pa had visited and said he loved Kyle, weeping and pleading with Kyle, Callie's words made Kyle
feel
something.
She forgave him for murdering her entire family.
The realization broke him.
How could someone be so kind?
How could she not hate him?
And all she wanted was for him to forgive himself.
It bubbled up like a spring, straight from his heart to his throat.
A choking sound filled with sadness that he'd refused to let himself feel.
Why hadn't he been allowed to live a normal life?
Grow up like every other kid?
Why had this happened to him?
He'd been innocent, he'd never wanted any of this on himself or anybody.
It wasn't fair.
But what Callie and his father were saying was that it didn't matter if it was fair.
It was what it was and he was who he chose to be.
Even if he was alone, even if he was going to be in this little room for the rest of his life.
Even if he and Callie would never get married and Pa and him would never become a family again.
Kyle began to cry.
And finally, long after, he forgave himself.