Music of the Soul (15 page)

Next to me, Rhys groaned. “Oh God, another baby? What happened to us being a band of

rockers? Now we’re a band of dirty diapers and Dora. I mean, seriously guys, we’re going to have to

have a separate eighteen wheeler to get around all the crap for your kids.”

“Shut up, jackass,” AJ replied.

As the happy conversation buzzed around me, I didn’t hear any of it. I was too overwhelmed by

the news of Mia’s pregnancy coupled with holding new life in my arms. Mia and Lily had what I

desperately wanted, and the green-eyed monster of jealousy was rearing its head.

Sensing my jangled emotions, Lucy’s face scrunched up, and she began to cry. “Guess I better

give her back now,” I said, before handing her to Lily.

“Shh, sweetheart. It’s okay,” Lily cooed softly, and within a few seconds, Lucy was quiet.

The walls of the room seemed to close in around me, and I fought to breath. I knew I had to get

away, or I was going to lose it and start screaming. I bolted for the door when Jake reached out to

grab my arm. “Where are you going?”

“Just to the bathroom,” I lied. I forced a smile to my lips before I slipped out of the door.

Fighting the tears, I started putting distance between myself and Lily’s room. Somehow I ended up

down the hall at the nursery. There were only a few babies inside since most were in the rooms with

their mothers. Leaning in, I placed my hand on the glass.

A newborn baby boy slept peacefully wrapped in a tight cocoon of blankets. The name on his

bassinet read, West. He had a head full of dark hair, and even in his sleep, his mouth worked on a

phantom pacifier.

“Abby?” Jake questioned softly from behind me.

I didn’t turn and look at him. Instead, I kept staring at the sleeping baby. “Did you know that I

wanted to be a Labor and Delivery nurse?”

“No, I didn’t.”

With a nod, I replied, “If I had finished my degree, that’s what I had planned on doing. I couldn’t

imagine anything more fulfilling than helping to bring life into the world.”

Jake took a tentative step towards me. “Look, I know you’re upset about seeing Lucy and then the

news of Mia’s pregnancy.”

A mirthless laugh escaped my lips. “Makes me a horrible person to be jealous, doesn’t it?”

“No, I think it’s only natural for you to feel that way. Kinda like when I see guys and their

mothers. We can’t help what we want.”

“No, we can’t.”

“Maybe…maybe we can start trying for a baby.”

Although Jake’s words should have been music to my ears and the answer to a prayer, they

instead just brought pain from something I’d been carefully hiding. “It won’t work,” I whispered.

“What do you mean it won’t? We haven’t even tried,” he protested.

My eyes snapped shut in pain. With the walls of my carefully constructed façade starting to

crumble, I figured I had no reason to continue harboring my horrible secret. “I have to tell you

something, Jake.”

“What is it?”

“I’ve been lying to you,” I choked out.

His dark brows furrowed in confusion. “About what?”

I slowly turned to face him as my heartbeat began to race out-of-control. “I stopped taking my

birth control a few months ago right after I was cleared from my surgery.”

Jake stared at me in disbelief. “What?”

“I wanted a baby, and I knew it was going to be harder to conceive. You said after I came out of

surgery, that when the doctor cleared me, we would try. So I thought…I thought if it took us a long

time to get pregnant, then you really would be ready then. Then at the same time, the waiting and the

wondering if I could was too much to bear.”

The color drained slowly out of Jake’s face. “You promised. You swore to me on our

honeymoon that you would never do anything so horrible as to go behind my back.”

Tears pooled in my eyes before streaking down my cheeks. “I know. But things changed with my

surgery—”

“Not enough to make you lie to me.”

“I’m sorry, Jake. I’m so, so sorry.”

He shook his head. “I can’t believe it.”

“You don’t understand what the last nine months have been like for me. I wanted to believe

everything would be all right, but I couldn’t. And then I couldn’t talk to you about it because I knew

how you really felt about having a baby.”

“So you’re trying to make this my fault?” he shouted, which caused a few nurses to turn their

heads in our direction.

“No, I just want you to try to understand why I did what I did. I want you to see that even though

I wasn’t thinking straight, there was a reason.”

“A reason for you to deceive me?”

“Please, Jake,” I begged.

He stared at me before shaking his head again. “It’s like I don’t even know who you are

anymore.”

When AJ appeared before us in the hallway, Jake pointed a finger at him. “Take Abby home. I

can’t be around her right now.”

Sobs overcame me as I watched Jake stalk down the hallway to the elevators. AJ’s comforting

arms came around me. “Shh, it’s going to be all right.”

Something deep within me wondered how it ever could be. After all these months of deception, I

had somehow known that Jake would react the way he had. Even though I knew his anger and his hurt

would cause him to walk away, I hadn’t changed my mind or come clean. And now, I had to live with

the consequences.

The scenery became an emerald blur, as I stared out the window of the bus. It was kinda ironic, as the

last few hours, after I’d stormed away from Abby at the hospital, had been a painful blur as well.

Well, painful didn’t quite cut it. In the moment, it had been fucking agony hearing her admit to

stopping her birth control, and now hours later, the ache still hurt so bad it was hard to breathe.

I hadn’t gone home or even to our apartment in the city. Instead, I had just walked around

downtown Atlanta—gone to Centennial Park, watched the kids playing in the water fountain. A few

people recognized me and asked for autographs, but for the most part, I was isolated and alone in my

torment. I’d finally headed back when it was almost time for the bus to pull out.

Abby had stood beside our bus with Angel on her leash. Her eyes were puffy and swollen from

crying. “Jake, please, talk to me,” she began, but I kept walking right past her. Instead, I did what I

did best, which was basically shut people out and be an asshole. I had climbed onto AJ and Mia’s

bus without a word to her.

At the sight of me, Mia raised her eyebrows to AJ, but neither one of them said anything. I eased

down at the table where Bella was eating a snack and coloring. “Want some?” she asked, pushing the

plate of animal crackers my way.

“No thanks, sweetheart.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw AJ and Mia having a quiet, but heated discussion. She threw

her hands up before stalking over to me. “I think you’re lost.”

“Excuse me?”

She narrowed her dark eyes at me. “I said, I think you’re lost. This isn’t your usual bus. You

remember, the one you and your wife ride on.”

I glanced over at AJ who shook his head like he wasn’t about to get into it with Mia by taking my

side. “Please Mia, I need some time, okay?”

She huffed out a frustrated breath that ended almost in a growl. “What I would say to you right

now if it wasn’t for her,” she said, pointing to Bella. She then stalked away from me over to the

kitchen, and for the next hour, she ignored me. But I didn’t really mind as long as she wasn’t yelling at

me. I focused my energy on staring out the window and trying to process what in the hell had

happened to my life.

When I felt a tug on the pants leg of my jeans, I glanced down to see Bella staring up at me. She

had abandoned her place on the couch with AJ where they had been watching movies. “Hey

sweetheart,” I said. I bent over to pick her up and ease her down on my lap. Her jet-black eyes

surmised me before she cocked her head at me.

“Why u sad?” she asked.

Great, I didn’t even begin to imagine how I was going to explain this one. “Do you think I’m

sad?”

Her dark ponytail bobbed up and down as she nodded. Leaning over, her tiny hands came to my

cheeks. Her fingers gripped my flesh before she pushed my face up. “Smile, Unca Jake.”

I laughed through my smushed cheeks. “Okay, okay. I’ll smile instead.”

A pleased little grin spread on her face. Grabbing a piece of paper off the table, she waved it at

me. “I dwawed u a picture.”

“You did?”

“Uh, huh.”

As I stared down at the scratchy, multicolored drawing, I knew better than to make any

assumptions about what was on there. I’d made that mistake when Jude was little and caused him to

burst out crying when I suggested the drawing of me was a dog. “So tell me about the picture,” I

urged.

Her little finger stretched out to one of the stick figure/semi blobs. “Dat’s u and Dat’s Aunt

Abby.”

“I see. Oh, you did a really good job.” She had managed to give the Abby blob yellow hair and

mine brown. My eyes honed in on the yellow and brown blob beside us. “Is that…Angel?”

She giggled. “No.”

“Oh, is it your kitty, Jack Sparrow?” At the mention of his name, the one-eyed Siamese cat lifted

his head from his perch over the table and eyed me contemptuously.

“It’s u baby,” she said, as if it was the most obvious choice in the whole-wide world.

I sucked in a harsh breath. After today, Bella’s comment was like a double roundhouse kick

straight to the groin. “But I don’t have a baby, sweetheart.”

“But u will. Evewy night before I go to sleep when I say my pwayers, Mommy and I pway for

you and Aunt Abby’s baby.”

I cut my eyes from the drawing to stare at Mia. An unapologetic smile appeared on her face

before she quickly looked at Bella. “Come on, pumpkin. It’s time for your nap.”

“No,” Bella protested, burrowing down in my lap. Her fingers twisted into the material of my T-

shirt as if I was her lifeline to keep her out of naptime hell.

AJ crossed his arms over his chest, looking seriously parental. “You know the rules, mi amor. If

you don’t take a nap, you don’t get to see me at the show tonight.”

Bella squirmed in my lap. She, along with Jude and Melody, loved nothing more than to put on

their noise-blocking headphones and stay backstage, watching us perform until their bedtime. Leaning

over, I whispered into her ear. “Go on and take your nap. I’ll need to see you at the show so you can

make me smile,” I urged.

“Okay,” she said. Before she hopped down, she gave me a smacking kiss on the cheek. “‘Mon,

Jack,” she instructed. Although the cat hated me and AJ with a passion, he had a special love and

patience for Bella. He rose up and stretched before hopping down. Once Jack Sparrow was at her

side, she put her tiny hand in Mia’s and started down the hallway to the bedroom. Glancing at me

over her shoulder, she said, “Love u, Unca Jake.”

“Love you too, princess.”

Once the door was shut behind them, I exhaled the breath I’d been holding. As AJ eased into a

seat across from me at the table, I gave him a shaky smile. “Your daughter is far too smart for her own

good.”

He laughed. “Tell me about it. It’s like she’s two and a half going on twenty-two.”

An uncomfortable silence then passed between us. I could hear Mia reading Bella a story.

Finally, I cleared my throat. “So Abby was pretty upset when I left, huh?”

AJ grimaced. “I’d say emotionally obliterated.”

My chest ached at the prospect, and I sighed raggedly. “She fucking blindsided me, man. To find

out she’s been lying to me these past few months. That she ended up doing what I feared the most—

what she swore she would never do.” Gritting my teeth, I shook my head. “How can I ever trust her

again?”

“Look man, I know that it all seems pretty desperate right now. But you have to sit back and think

for a minute. Abby has stood beside you through some pretty heinous shit—times when you were hard

to love and did things that she didn’t understand or maybe approve of. But she stayed right by your