My Big Fat Gay Life (28 page)

I walked down the hallway towards Donovan’s room. I felt a little guilty, as I hadn’t visited him as much as I should have. I was excited to see him! When I arrived at his room, I opened his door and walked in. There was a male nurse in the room tidying up some dishes.

“I’m sorry!” I said. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“It’s OK,” the nurse said. “We were just finishing up lunch. I’m Matt.”

“Oh! You’re the infamous Matt?” I exclaimed.

“Yup,” he answered, a faint blush reddening his cheeks.

“I’m Ruth,” I told him. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you!”

“Likewise,” he said, shaking my hand. I nearly swooned at the sound of his lilting Irish accent and the depth of his blue eyes.

I walked over to Donovan’s bed and leant in to kiss him on the cheek. Then I gasped.

“Your eye! What happened?”

“He fell out of bed,” Matt told me. “It’s not as bad as it looks, luckily.”

“You poor guy!” I said to Donovan.

“Right! I’ll leave you two in peace,” Matt said, bustling out of the room with the lunch dishes.

“Donovan, I’m so excited I could burst!” I told him. “I have to tell someone. I can’t keep it to myself anymore. I’m pregnant! Justin and I are having a baby!”

I gently picked up his hand and placed it on my abdomen.

“I’m sixteen weeks gone. Well past the danger zone for miscarriage!”

It felt good to tell someone. Surely Justin couldn’t object if I told Donovan. It’s not like he could spread gossip. I plonked myself down in the chair next to his bed.

“The ironic thing is, you’re the most engaged and interactive man in my life at the moment. I don’t know what’s going on with Justin and Sebastian!

“Justin hasn’t left the apartment in days, and he’s always clothed! He even wears clothes to bed. What’s with that? I’ve asked him if anything is wrong, and he swears nothing is wrong. He says he’s just cold. In summer!

“As for Sebastian, I can’t remember the last time we had a decent conversation. I know he’s totally enamoured with Matt at the moment, but that’s no excuse for forgetting who your friends are! When I met Matt just now, I almost felt like saying to him ‘Give me back my Sebby!’

“Anyways enough ranting.” I paused for breath. “Matt seems nice enough though.”

Donovan made a gurgling noise, and I looked into his eyes. They were flicking to the right, moving back to centre to stare at me, then flicking to the right again.

“Are you OK?” I asked him; worried he was having another stroke. His eyes flicked to the left, then focussed on my face again.

“Are you trying to tell me something?” His eyes flicked to the left.

“Does left mean ‘yes’?” I questioned him, watching his eyes intently. They flicked to the left again.

“Does right mean ‘no’?” His eyes flicked to the left.

“OK,” I said excitedly. “I have to test this. Is your name Donovan?”

His eyes flicked to the left.

“Is my name Shrek?”

His eyes flicked to the right.

“YEAH!” I squealed in excitement, jumping up from the chair and clapping my hands together. “This is so exciting!”

I tested his newly discovered communication method for a few minutes to make sure his eye movements weren’t a fluke, but happily he got each answer correct.

“I can’t wait to tell Patricia!” I told him, dancing excitedly on the spot. “She’s gonna be thrilled!”

“Has she visited you today?” I asked him. His eyes flicked to the left. When they returned to centre, his eyelids were drooping.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “This must be exhausting for you. It’s probably enough for one day.”

I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, then caressed his sore eye.

“I’ll be back tomorrow. I hope your eye gets better quickly. I’m so happy you can communicate! You’ll be able to greet my baby when it makes its grand entrance.”

Ryan and I were going to the opera. I’d booked us a suite at the Lowry Hotel, and we were dressing after a few hours of hard, acrobatic sex when my mobile phone rang.

“Hello,” I said after answering the call.

“Patricia!” I heard Ruth’s voice. She sounded quite excited. “Have you noticed Donovan’s eyes when you talk to him? I swear he’s trying to communicate!”

“What do you mean?” I asked her, sitting down on the bed. Ryan stepped out of the bathroom, looking simply stunning in a classic tuxedo.

“When he wants to say ‘yes’, he moves his eyes to the left. When he wants to say ‘no’, he moves them to the right!” she told me, rushing so fast she almost sounded breathless.

“Seriously? Are you sure the movements weren’t random?” I asked her.

“Absolutely! I tested it for ages!”

“That’s fantastic! I’ll have to check it out tomorrow!” I exclaimed.

“What time?” Ruth asked. “I’ll meet you there.”

“10am,” I told her, and we disconnected the call.

“Apparently my husband is making progress,” I said to Ryan. “He can communicate ‘yes’ and ‘no’ now.”

“That’s great news!” Ryan said happily. He sounded quite genuine.

“I hope he doesn’t recover too fast. I don’t want to share you with him just yet!”

“Oh Dad,” I said softly to Donovan when I saw his bruised and swollen eye. “Did Matt do this to you?”

I placed my head down on his bed, and lifted his hand to place it on my head.

“I don’t know what to do. I’m scared of him. I’m scared he’ll hurt me seriously if I defy him. I’m scared he’ll seriously harm you. I’m also scared that he’ll hurt himself. He had such a bad childhood, and I feel so much pity for him, but how can I love someone who causes so much fear and hurt?”

I was silent for a few minutes, just enjoying the feel of Donovan’s hand on my head.

“I can’t tell anyone what’s going on,” I continued after a few minutes. “They’d just tell me to leave him, but I can’t! I love him.”

Visiting Donovan is the only place I can safely go when Matt isn’t home. If he’s at work, he expects me to be at home waiting for his call. He calls the landline regularly to check up on me. If I want to visit Donovan, I have to tell Matt in advance. Then he can monitor the time it takes me to travel to and from the care facility where he works, looking after Donovan.

At that moment, the door opened and Matt entered the room with Donovan’s medication.

“Awww,” he said with a sneer in his voice. “What a touching scene. Did you notice your clumsy Father has fallen out of bed and hurt his eye?”

“Yes, I noticed. Clumsiness must run in my family,” I said, looking down at my broken foot. It was now encased in a medical boot, and would be so for at least the next four weeks.

Matt administered Donovan’s medication and started to leave, much to my relief.

“When are you going home?” he asked me as he was walking out the door.

“Shortly,” I replied.

“Alright. I’ll phone you at home in half an hour,” he said as he left the room.

“I guess I should go, Dad,” I said to Donovan. “I don’t want to make him angry.”

Just then, the door opened and Justin walked in. He looked terrible, with massive black bags under his eyes. He was dressed in a baggy tracksuit, which is quite unlike him. On the rare occasions he wore clothes, they’re always tight fitting and immaculate. He looked haunted: quite distracted.

“Justin!” I said happily, standing up to greet him. I hobbled over to where he was standing, noticing his attention was riveted on my broken foot. I leaned in to kiss him, but he turned his head away and took a step back. My heart broke.

“Hi Sebastian,” he said coolly. “I can come back if you want. I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

“No, it’s OK,” I replied. “I was just leaving.”

“What happened?” he asked me, indicating my foot. A touch of concern crept into his voice.

“I tripped down a couple of stairs and broke a few bones,” I told him. I could see from the look in his eyes that he didn’t believe the lie.

“It’s time for me to go,” I said. I hobbled over to Donovan and kissed him on the forehead. “I’ll see you soon.”

Nodding to Justin, I hobbled outside and phoned a taxi to take me home.

* * *

During the taxi ride on the way home, I barely noticed the passing scenery. I was mulling over Justin’s strange behaviour.

Matt was right. Justin was withdrawing from me. He had a new life and new priorities, and I was not high on the revised list. I couldn’t remember a time when Justin hadn’t greeted me enthusiastically and let me kiss him. Maybe Matt is the only one that really cares about me, in his own strange way.

After Sebastian left Donovan’s room, I made my way over to his bed and sat on the edge of the chair next to the bed. I reached out tentatively to grab his hand like I normally would, but the thought of physical contact, even with someone who could not possibly harm me, was too much. I withdrew my hands and placed them in my lap.

“I’m sorry to do this to you, but I need someone to brain dump on,” I told him. “You’re the only one I know who’ll listen without judging me! At least not verbally.”

A tear welled up in my eye, and I brushed it away.

“I’m so disgusted and ashamed of myself. Totally against my will, a client drugged me and raped me. Anally.”

I paused, unable to believe I’d actually said it aloud and acknowledged it.

“I know that it’s not my fault, and that being raped is not shameful. My problem is this: I…”

I faltered again, summoning up the courage to say the thing that had been haunting me since the rape.

“I think I enjoyed it. I can’t remember it, but I must have enjoyed it! Afterwards, when I woke up after the assault, I discovered I’d ejaculated. I feel so disgusted with myself.”

I put my head in my hands and wept, softly. Before too long, my weeping turned into a gut wrenching sobbing. I was heaving and gasping for breath, with enormous sobs wracking my body. Eventually I calmed down.

“I’m sorry,” I said to Donovan, looking up into his eyes. “I didn’t want to put that on you.”

A tear rolled down his cheek.

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