My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (14 page)

Wednesday 27 April 2005 @ 11:15 p.m.

I wake up around 3:30 a.m., unable to sleep. I take a leak and head to my office to start updating the diary.

At some point in the night, Quinnster wound up in our room, sleeping on the couch. She’s got a cough this morning when she wakes up, so I give her an ice pop and let her play with my Nintendo DS. She continues coughing until Jen gets up and barks at me about giving Harley something for her cough, to which I snap back that she should do it, as I’ve been up since 3:30 a.m. We both settle, and I go back to the board.

At around 6:30/7:00 a.m.,
viewaskew.com
starts getting slammed hard. I track
down Ming to see what’s happening, and he tells me that it’s the
Sith
review, getting hit like crazy, shutting down not just the board, but also the website. Ming labors like mad to get the site up and going and I discuss with Xtian his idea to take the Chatter section private, for registered members only. I hip Ming to the idea, and he agrees with Xtian and sets about initiating our own Order 66, while placing the
Sith
review on its own, accessible-to-non-members page.

Jen pulls me away from the computer, and we head to The Griddle for some eats. We’re joined by Brian Lynch, who tells me about his secret girlfriend and tells me to keep it “off-the-blog” (a phrase that’s getting more and more play in my life lately). Harley’s friend Mina’s dad David rolls by and joins us for breakfast too. I get a call from Casey, one of the producers on
Catch & Release
, who informs me I’m supposed to be in Vancouver on the 5th. I tell her this is impossible, as I’m gonna be up at Skywalker Ranch on the 6th for the MTV
Sith
pre-mière party. We try to figure out whether I’m gonna fly or drive, and then I head back to breakfast, just as we’re joined by Malcolm and Andre. We can’t stay long, though, as I’ve got a haircut at 10:30 a.m.

Jen and I bicker about my mullet on the way to the house (she can’t stand it; I maintain it’s a necessary evil) so I drop her off without saying goodbye and head over the hill to Nicole’s to get my hair cut.

Nicole does as best she can with the little hair she’s got to work with, mullet and all. I head back home to find Jen in her bathroom. We kiss and make up, and I head into the shower.

I head upstairs to do my
Degrassi
interview with Stefan ‘Snake’ Brogren for a CTV documentary that looks back on two decades plus of various incarnations of the show. During the interview, Mewes joins us to say hi and asks me what time we’re heading over to the Arclight for the
Rats
screening. Stefan and Co. wrap up the interview, and I give them a tour of the house before heading back to my room.

I check email and the website, and IM Ming to see what’s up with the traffic problem. He’s put the
Sith
review on its own page with a hit-counter, and he tells me to look at the counter and click ‘reload’. The number jumps substantially. Ming figures the review is getting 800 hits a minute, from all over the ‘net. Shortly after that, I fall asleep for around two hours.

I’m woken up by Jen’s return from shopping, and I groggily talk with her about her day. Gail calls down to let us know it’s family dinnertime, and I drag my ass upstairs for steaks. During the meal, Mewes tells me that Run DMC are gonna be playing at Avalon on Friday. I tell him I’m all over it, and to sign me up. I top off the steak and baked potato with some leftover Harley Bed-Day cake and some milk.

Mewes asks if I wanna play some heads-up poker before we go to the Arclight, so I head upstairs and play for a while while Gail calls up periodically to give us time updates. Right before we leave, Mewes goes all in on a Jack/Ten, but I beat him with my Queen/Jack, winning his hundred bucks.

I kiss Jen and Harley goodbye and head down to the front door, where Mewes and I meet up with Byron and Gail, who’re accompanying us to the Arclight. They opt to take a separate car and follow us over.

We get to the theater three minutes after the flick’s supposed to begin. I ask the autograph seekers outside to wait ‘til I get done with the intro, and head into the Arclight where I’m met by some Universal folks who lead me down the stairs to Theater 3. I say hi to JM Kenny and Meredith from Universal, grab a mic, and do some intro/Q&A for about twenty minutes. When I leave, I run into Jim Jacks in the back of the theater. We chit-chat for a bit, then I head outside, sign all the stuff I skipped on the way in, and chat briefly with Mewes and Malcolm before getting in the car and going back home.

On my way to my closet to change my shirt, I notice Quinnster’s back on our couch. I quietly swap jerseys and join Jen upstairs in the living room to chill out for an hour before I have to shoot back to the Arclight. We watch
Everybody Loves Raymond
and I check email before and the board. An hour later, I kiss Jen g’bye again and head back to the theater.

I arrive with a few minutes to go before the credits. I talk with JM and Meredith about who’s gonna be on stage, and decide to do Q&A until the chairs are set up and JM’s ready to shoot. After about twenty minutes, we start the show, and I introduce Dave Klein, Jim Jacks, Scott Mosier, Renée Humphrey, Ethan Suplee, Jason Mewes, Jeremy London and Jason Lee. We do the Q&A thing for about two hours, then sign stuff for those in attendance. As I leave the theater, I find Mewes out in the hallway, ready to go home. Byron and Gail walk us to the car, and then we head to In-&-Out for some late-night snacks, and back home. Once there, Mewes heads off to “get up in dem guts”, and I go inside to my office, where I chow down and check the board for Q&A reactions. I do this for a half hour, before joining the sleeping Schwalbach, beside whom I fall asleep, watching TiVo’ed
Simpsons
.

Thursday 28 April 2005 @ 11:16 p.m.

The dogs wake me up around 6:30 a.m. I let ’em out, take a leak, swish some mouthwash, then plant myself at my desk in my office, where I check email and read the reactions to the
Rats
Q&A.

I head out to my hallway bathroom to take a shit and further read the board. On my way out of the bathroom, I make the mistake of heading into the library, where the dusty gym equipment stares me down. I spy the doctor’s office scale near the TV and decide to see what the damage is. It ain’t pretty. Immediately, I head back to my room, throw on some sweats, pull on the sneakers, and head to the gym. I stick in some
Deadwood
and climb aboard the treadmill, where I do an hour. After I’m done, there’s still some of the
Deadwood
episode left, so I chill out on the workout ball, taking it in.

I head to the room, where Jen’s now awake, and wondering where the fuck I found the ambition to get up and work out. I tell her about my terrible meeting with the scale, and she gives me the “ahhhhhhh...”, following it up with something about her being enemies with the scale as well. I point out that if she thinks she’s on bad terms with the scale, then the scale and I are Jesus and Satan, so at odds are we.

I get in the shower, get dressed, and head down to the office, where Meredith and her post crew from Universal are there to do a spotting session on the new cut of
Mallrats
. We run through the flick, looking for places where new score will be added and old song cues will be extended. Mosier pops in just as the meeting’s coming to a close, and as the Uni folks leave, he and I chit-chat a bit before I head back home. As I’m leaving, he gives me a piece he’s done as part of his recent foray into painting. I love it.

I lay down to watch some
Simpsons
and fall asleep. Hours later, Jen wakes me up when she returns from shopping. She says the framers called, having finished with the big Jay and Bob piece from Harvey, as well as the me and Mewes page from
Empire
magazine. We decide to shoot over to the Valley to pick the pieces up and drop off Mos’s painting for framing.

We get to the framers, do the drop off and pick up, grab some Koo-Koo-Roo for Quinnster, head to Quizno’s for Jen and Ralph’s for me (to get some canned chicken and Fat Free Mayo for my new diet). En route to Ralph’s, I get a call from Casey (the
Catch
producer), and learn that I’ve gotta be in Vancouver by Saturday the 7th for rehearsal — which means the drive to the Van Jen and I were planning is facing a wrinkle. I tell Casey I’ll figure it out and get back to her.

We get home and serve up the Koo-Koo-Roo turkey and mashed to Quinnster, who preps it (cut up turkey, mix into mash, cover with gravy). I climb upstairs to make some chicken salad (can chicken with fat free mayo), then adjourn to my room, where I slap on the woobs and sack out in front of some
Simpsons
. Jen
and Harley join me for a moment to drop off Mulder. Jen stays too, and Harley heads back downstairs. I’m making goo-goo eyes at Schwalbach when the intercom buzz gives way to a screaming Harley, who informs us that Scully has eaten her beloved Koo-Koo-Roo. Jen and I race downstairs to find our apoplectic daughter screaming and crying her head off. I hunt down Scully, drag her into the room to remind her what she did, spank her turkey-stealing ass, and chase her upstairs, where I put her out on the deck by herself.

I get back to the room where Mulder (the extremely apprehensive, borderline neurotic Gallant to Scully’s Goofus) is cowering behind the couch, terrified his shit’s on the chopping block. I reassure the sensitive little man that he’s in the clear and go back to watching TV and getting through email. Jen and Harley arrive, and it seems that Quinnster is so traumatized by the Scully Incident that she needs to sleep on our couch. Jen puts Harley to bed, just as Gail arrives to measure me for my neck and hat sizes for the
Catch
costume department. I talk to Quinnster for a bit, kiss her g’night, then join Jen upstairs.

Jen and I go over the upcoming schedule and how to handle being at Skywalker for Friday and Vancouver for Saturday at 1 p.m. We decide to drive to Skywalker Thursday night and do the preem/party on Friday. Then, I’ll fly up to Vancouver for rehearsal on Saturday, turn around and fly back to the Bay Area, then spend Saturday night and Sunday driving to the Van. That settled we ride our respective laptops while rocking a little
Dynasty
. Around eleven, we decide to head downstairs to quickly fall asleep to some TiVo’ed
Simpsons
.

Friday 29 April 2005 @ 11:16 p.m.

My first words of the day are “... the fuck are you kicking me for?!” to a half-asleep Schwalbach who’s kicking me to take the dogs out at 6:45 a.m. I do my Master’s bidding, hit the head, swish some mouthwash, and check email. I plow through some responses and take a bit of time with Jeff Jensen’s questions about
Sith
for the dreaded
Entertainment Weekly
(in an email the day before, I’d already asked him to relate the message to that book critic jerk-stain that he or she should go fuck him or herself).

During my email run, I say g’morning to both Quinnster and Jen, say g’bye to Harley as she heads to school, and mutter to Jen that I’m working when she hits my office ‘fridge for her morning Diet Coke. When I emerge from my office, Jen’s getting ready for her doctor’s appointment. We’re probably not gonna see one another most of the day, as I have a fly-fishing lesson (for
Catch
) at one, so I kiss her g’bye and head to the library gym — where I do another hour on the treadmill while watching
Deadwood
.

While I’m cooling down, watching the end of the second
Deadwood
of the morning, Mewes rolls in to tell me it’s not Run DMC playing at Avalon, but instead Dougie Fresh and DMC. I ask him if he wants to go learn how to fly-fish today with me and Byron (who I’ve recruited to go with me), but he’s not sure. We decide to have another two-man poker tourney after I take a shower.

I call down to Byron to see if he wants to join in on the poker action, and we’ve suddenly got a three-man tourney going. I whip up some chicken salad and the three of us play some cards. Jen returns while we’re playing, just in time to see Mewes win his hundred bucks back with a pair of fucking sixes. I head downstairs to get dressed and Mewes pops in to tell us he’s not gonna be home tonight (he’s house-sitting elsewhere). When he leaves, the temptress that is my bride cuddles up to me on the bed, asking if I really have to go fishing today while grinding into me. I immediately cancel out on fishing as she heads off to get a manicure and her brow down, urging me to be home when she gets home and she’ll make it worth my while.

With an hour and a half to kill, I opt to shoot cross town to Laser Blazer with Louis (Byron’s Chocolate Lab puppy) in tow. I take Louis for a brief walk outside the store, grab some magazines at the nearby stand, then open the sunroof in the car, put Louis inside, and head into Laser Blazer. I talk to Ron for a few minutes about, amongst other things, his
Big Red One
signing next week. I chat with one of the clerks (who was at the
Rats
screening), then jump back in the car and round the block to McDonald’s, where I grab a burger for Louis, an ice tea for me, and a pair of burgers for Mulder and Scully back home.

On the ride back to the house, Jason Lee calls. We do a post-mortem on the
Rats
screening and talk about his flick
Seymore Sycamore and Margaret Orange
. When I get to the house, we continue the chat. As I hang up, Jenny appears, flashing me. She throws on the music, we draw the curtains, and bone pretty hardcore, with a strong leaning toward “making love”. This is incredibly rare, as we’re not big into “making love”. When it comes to sex, we’re both pretty dirty — so we tend to fuck more than anything else.

We lounge for a bit, post-coitus, until Jen hits the couch to have a smoke. I doze for a few minutes, then do a few phoners with Mark Voger of the Asbury Park Press (about
Silent Bob Speaks
) and Scott Bowles of
USA Today
(about
Sith
). Following that, I start updating the online diary, while Jen heads downstairs to check on Harley.