My Boyfriend is a Monster (21 page)

“Right, no coffee,” he said continuing his floundering walk then stopped and looked back. “Why not?” he asked, coffee being one of the international go to for first dates.

“Jesus Christ,” she cried.

Phyllis turned to Florida. “He might have a screw loose.”

“I’m beginning to wonder that myself,” Florida said disappointed. “Because she works at a coffee shop, no woman wants to go on a date that reminds her of work.” She looked up to the sky. “Lord, give him guidance.”

“Right,” Nathan said seeing their skeptical faces. “I knew that,” he reassured. “But isn’t going for coffee like the universal first date - let’s get to know each other.”

“Yes” Florida agreed. “But you’ve had plenty of coffee or teas with the girl, now it’s time to go to dinner.”

“Right – gotcha,” he confirmed with a point of the finger.

Turning away from all of the frowns and judgment, he gingerly started back down the sidewalk. He held his breath and hoped he would not hear another comment, especially about his caboose. Not hearing another comment coming from behind him, he chuckled a little. The fear and apprehension reminded him of crossing a mine field during the war. But hearing that little ping going off and triggering a mine was not as horrifying as hearing another comment from those ladies. He could at least heal from an exploding mine. Before he knew it he was at Sips and reaching for the door before pulling back. Forgetting why he was there he just about walked into a firing squad armed with mortifying bullets. Having lived for more than two hundred years, fighting in six major wars and countless scuttles, plagues, famine and even spending a week in the ocean fighting off an all you can eat shark buffet where he was one of the entrées, an almost infinite list of Monsters who wanted to kill him (some with purpose, some without) and he was suddenly stonewalled.

His eyes slipped from his thought
s and caught her through the window. His fear made sense. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid his eyes upon. He thought if no one agreed then they must be blind. Seeing her made his mind race to describe her to himself, but all he could come up with was perfection. Watching her laugh made his heart swell and he felt a little jealousy not being able to be part of it. Becoming self-conscious about the fact he would be interrupting whatever fun they were having with a very public display of affection, which would be fine if it was reciprocated. He decided to wait for his confidence to build.

TWO: If You Only Knew

The debate between employees and owners on the subject of why Nathan Caesar should ask Lily out on a date was still in a lock, two for, one against.

“Yeah well, he’s a little out of my league,” she said wiping the table for the third time.

“Why would you say such a thing Novio?” Martin asked a little upset at her lack of self-concept.

“Yes honey, you half to have confidence. I am fucking gorgeous, now you say it,” Todd said trying to inject his high grade of it.

Turning to Todd and holding out his arms Martin was aghast. “Por favor, ver el idioma,” he said telling him to watch his language.

“Querido, there is no one in here, it’s just the three of us,” he said turning and looking into the empty store. “Excuse my language everyone.”

“Ok, don’t get so smart, and don’t say querido,” Martin said.

“It’s Spanish, for dear or beloved,” he explained arrogantly.

“No me digas,” he said, telling Todd not to tell him what a Spanish word means. “I know Spanish smart ass. But you pronounce it, queer, queerdo and it sounds gay.”

Walking past him and patting him on his ass Todd reminded him. “We’re gay sweetie - don’t be a self-hater.”

“I’m a little over weight, I don’t make a lot of money,” Lily said raising her eyebrows obviously hinting.

“Awe,” Todd sighed t
urning to Martin. “We should give her a raise.”

Martin shook his head. “No, we don’t
even charge her rent.”

Lily countered. “If I had a raise I could buy those new spanks.”

“You have an hour glass figure,” Todd corrected. “Curvy is better than toothpick.”

“Muy Caliente Lily,” Martin assured her.

“You two are gay,” she reminded them.

Looking around the store Todd looked sarcastically surprised. “Holy shit, we are?”

“We still know what the sexy is,” Martin assured her.

“Judy Garland,” Todd said immediately as if it was a game.

“Bette Davis,” he matched him.

“Lucille Ball.”

“Joan Crawford,” Martin said and they both agreed.

“Diana Ross.”

“Beyonce,” Martin said raising his eyebrows.

“You can’t use Beyonce, that’s cheating.”

“How is that cheating Papi?”

“Ok, Sophia Loren - bam.”

“La mujer más bella del mundo, Sophia Loren,” Martin said putting his hands up and surrendering.

“Yeah, that’s who I am, Sophia
Loren,” she said tauntingly.

“Hey,” Martin called out. Lily looked at him and he raised his eyebrows signaling that she pay attention. “You
are just as beautiful as Sophia Loren,” he said and did not blink until she nodded, reluctantly.

“Well it’s nice to know the gay community thinks I’m hot,” she replied and stopped he
rself from wiping the table a fourth time. “But the one I want to think that - is drop dead gorgeous, successful, and do you see where he lives? Yeah,” she dragged a bit. “He’s got money.”

“Hello,” Todd said holding his hand out waiting for a high five.

Lily smacked it and continued. “I make tea and rent a room from my two gay bosses.”

Martin rolled his eyes. “Renting would imply you give money.”

“Hey I give money to help out,” she said a little insulted.

“When, when do you give the money?” Marin asked.

“Every pay I give Todd some-”

Todd’s eyes widened. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is this a witch hunt?” Todd asked desperately trying to change the subject.

“You son of-”

“You keep my Mother out of this,” Todd yelled. “You always hated her.”

“No – No, you will not be switching the subject.”

“Our Lily is having a crisis, focus,” Todd said pretending to cry. Wrapping his arms around her he squeezes. “Baby doesn’t think she’s good enough.”

Hugging him back she giggles going with it. “Guys like that don’t go for girls like me, were from two different worlds I guess.”

Martin rolls his eyes. “What is he, a Capulet? We the Montague’s I suppose.”

“Or he’s a Jet, and were the Shark’s, cause your closer to a Puerto Rican,” Todd said clapping his hands. “Oh shit, we are so watching West Side Story tonight.”

Banging his hand on the display c
ounter and making them jump while still holding each other, Martin looks at them angrily. “This is bullshit! Why? Why does this man not go on a date with the Lily?” he asks them intensely. They just stare back at him not knowing what to say. Suddenly he declares, “I will make him go on a date with you.”

Letting Lily go Todd
looks at her and winks. “Shit I thought he was mad I called him a Puerto Rican,” he said then silently laughed. Giving him a hug Todd tried to calm him down. “Whoa Conquistador, we want a nice little date not a shot gun wedding.”

“I’m sorry,” he said putting his hands up and calming down. “I just get so upset when he won’t go out with our Lily.”

“Nothing has happened yet, you can shoot him when he tells her no,” Todd said comforting him.

“Hey,” Lily said a little upset he was already saying “No”.

Martin and Todd looked at each other then started to laugh.

“Real nice,” Lily said throwing her towel at them.

Nathan stood outside finally getting more confident. Realizing it was usually never this slow, he did not think he would get a better chance. Thinking his heart would probably explode sending him to the After if he approached her alone, he took a deep breath and walked in.

The chime silenced their laughter.

The man they had been talking about for the last two hours in between customers had just walked in.

“Hello Nathan, I’m so glad you’re here,” Todd said not really sure why he was glad.

“In a minute,” he said politely walking past Todd and Martin. “Hello Lily,” he said trying to hide his nervousness.

“Hello Mr. Caesar, the usual?”

Shaking his head he smiled. “I have a confession to make. The other day when you almost got hit by that bus and I was there to pull you back. . .”

“Yeah,” she said feeling instantly embarrassed.

Silently searching for the courage he finally took a deep breath and found it. “I was following you,” he admitted.

Hopping to get a read on what was
going on Todd looked at Martin, who only gave him a clueless eyebrow raise and shrugged his shoulders.

“Ok,” she said getting uncomfortably hot.

“I had this silly plan . . . I was planning to bump into you and make it look like a coincidence. Which would’ve given me the perfect opportunity to ask you something,” he said and paused. He was hoping she would guess the rest and it would all be over. Seeing she was not going to, he nodded knowing he would have to continue. “But then you walked out in front of a bus.”

“Yes. . . I did do that.”

“And I didn’t get a chance to ask you,” he said. Before the cold engulfing of cowardice could paralyze him he took her hand.  Looking into her eyes the feeling of dread was suddenly gone.

She looked over at Todd and Martin who both shrugged simultaneously as they both watched with a burning zealousness. Lily felt her heart begin to race while her head started to feel light.

Looking at her seemed to make all his fear and nervousness disappear. Gently squeezing her hand he continued with all the confidence in the world. “Lily, I think you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met. I think you are smart, funny, strong willed and not afraid to laugh at your own jokes, even when they don’t make sense, or their really not that funny. . . But I love that, since the first time I sat down and you made me a golden monkey black tea – so?”

“Yeah,” she whispered hoarsely.

“Would you like to go to dinner with me this Friday?”

“Yes,” she said immediately.

“Good. You’ll understand that I probably will be too embarrassed to come in for tea until after our date. Today is Monday, I open my store tomorrow and I will be in, no at your house, on . . .” Nathan was lost.

“Friday,” she said helping.

“I will pick you up at 7pm on Friday.”

“Okay,” she said still in shock.

Suddenly he realized that Todd and Martin were watching and started to get sheepish again. “Great.” Hearing the chime of the door go off he smelt five different scents heading through the door and thought this was a good time to leave. Turning to his left to avoid eye contact he excused himself past the customers towards the door.

Suddenly remembering Martin called out. “Oh, Mr. Caesar,” he said while smiling at the new customers.

“Nope,” Nathan shot back letting the last person through the door.

Trying again he spoke up. “Nathan I just wanted-”

“Unh-un,” he said letting the door close behind him.

Turning to her Todd was obviously fighting back tears of joy. “Not a guy like that,” he said turning to Martin. “Your choice, West Side Story or a John Hughes marathon tonight. Shit we’ll do both.”

“I thought tonight was date night?” Martin asked.

Remembering his early comments the other day about Todd rather watching John Hughes movies, Lilies eyes widened as she turned to him.

“Shut up bitch,” he said remembering his comments the other day as well.

Sitting in her chair still in shock she couldn’t believe he asked her out on a date. She couldn’t remember feeling this happy in a long, long time. She looked at Todd who wasn’t doing a very good job at holding back his excitement either.

He held his thumb and finger together making a circle and repeatedly put his other finger in and out of it. “Lily gonna get laid,” he said goofily chuckling.

THREE: Just a Reminder

Kicking her shoes off as soon as she walked through the door Lily could care less where they landed. She was tired but extremely happy, the man she fell for the moment she first saw him had just asked her out on a date. Her, Lily who lives with two gay men (one treats her like a little sister and one who likes to play dress up so it’s not all bad) works at a coffee shop making tea and usually by the end of the day looked like she volunteered to sky dive into a tornado. But Nathan Caesar had asked her out regardless and she still couldn’t believe it. Expecting to wake up and realize it was all a dream she chuckled. “Wouldn’t that suck,” she said to herself and threw her keys in the bowl on the breakfast bar. Grabbing what has become the community tablet off the counter she slid a few screens around and saw they had a bunch of messages. Skipping the ones starting with
“Oh My God, you won’t believe”
and the ones that sounded business like for Martin she began dumping the ones sounding like creditors promptly into the recycle bin.