My Fake Wedding (Red Dress Ink (Numbered Paperback)) (32 page)

‘What?’

‘Remember when Rory Wilsher dumped me?’ she says, un-twisting one of the spaghetti straps of her Barbie-pink maid of honour’s outfit. ‘I used to spend a fortune on taxis. Even to work.’

‘Oh yes,’ I remember. ‘You did. I thought that was because you were too grief-stricken by your loss to manage to walk.’

‘Bollocks it was.’ She grins. ‘Now, sit there. Right in the middle.’

I obey, shifting along a bit, almost dropping my bouquet of pink rosebuds on the floor of the car.

‘There,’ she says. ‘Feel anything?’

‘Yes,’ I say, a grin spreading across my face. ‘I think I do.’

‘There you go. Better than a vibrator any bloody day.’

We’re still laughing when we reach Chelsea registry office.
I’m still a bit pissed from all the champagne I’ve drunk that morning, but George—bless him—remembers to put a blanket over my head as we trot from the car to the building, so that in the likely event that my mother is doing a Peter Jones run this fine Saturday morning, she won’t spot me and have kittens all over the pavement.

‘People will think you’re a pop star,’ he says as we make our way up the steps.

‘That’s what I’m afraid of,’ I grumble. ‘Hurry up, will you? I can’t see fuck. And I don’t want to attract attention to myself.’

David’s friend Straight Rigby gives me away in the end. I’ve never met him before but he seems very nice. And though it all seems very strange, being the only straight person (apart from Rigby and Janice) at my own wedding, I realise I don’t really mind one bit.

At least there’s no one from the Home Office here. The whole thing looks suspiciously gay.

I don’t think all the pink helps. And the glitter confetti’s a bit the wrong side of camp, too.

I sneak a quick look round the audience and notice that there are actually other straight people here. Poppy and Seb have turned up. Poppy, pregnant and blooming in a tube of dark purply-pink silk. Seb in a dark suit with a matching purply-pink tie. Bless them. This
so
isn’t their thing but I’m glad of their support. And—ohmigod—sitting in a seat at the front on the other side, twinkling away at me as if her life depended on it, is George’s mum. She blows me a kiss. I look at George, who is beaming.

‘I told her,’ he mouths.

My heart fills with pride. I knew he could do it. And it’s all obviously fine. His dear old mum has come to his boyfriend’s wedding.

I knew she was cool as fuck.

The only person that’s definitely missing is Sam.

I sigh. No matter how much I’ve been trying to pretend otherwise,
I’ve been half hoping he might turn up and stop the wedding in its tracks. Bang on the floor,
Four Weddings and a Funeral
style, when it gets to the bit about ‘If there is anyone present who knows a reason why this marriage should not go ahead’.

But he doesn’t. And in the event the ceremony is so quick, that I hardly realise when it’s all over. No hymns. No readings.

Within minutes, I’m a married woman.

Buggery bollocks.

Time for a stiff drink.

George’s boss has lent us his boat on the Thames for our wedding reception. It’s strung with dozens of Chinese paper lanterns in every shade of pink imaginable. Bubblegum pink, Barbie pink, salmon pink, candy pink, peony pink, all fluttering in the breeze, along with the pink gerbera flowers George has hung upside down at intervals from a wire suspended around the deck.

Three waiters in penguin suits with pink bow ties are serving pink cocktails in tall glasses and several guests already look a few sheets to the wind.

‘Come on,’ says Janice, sensing my unhappiness at not finding Sam among them. ‘Let’s get hammered. Well,
you
can,’ she adds, laughing. ‘I’d better not. Jasper junior might not like it.’

‘You’re
not
calling it after him?’ I say, shocked.

‘You never know.’ She smiles. ‘I’m joking,’ she adds hurriedly, seeing I might be about to suggest she put the poor little beggar up for adoption after all. ‘I’m not even going to call it anything beginning with J. So Jerome, Jemima and Jessica are all out too. And Josh. You’d better get thinking.’

‘Why me?’

‘I want you to be godmother.’

‘You do?’

‘Of course.’

‘Oh, Janice,’ I say. ‘Thank you.’

And then I burst into tears.

‘Mum’s
excited, you know,’ she tells me. ‘She’s knitting already. She can’t wait until it’s born.’

‘And you?’

‘Shitting myself. You
will
come to the hospital, won’t you?’

‘Of course I will.’ I accept a sea breeze and plonk myself at a table on the edge of the deck, forgetting for a moment that I’m wearing a dress and displaying my gusset to all and sundry. ‘I’ll be waiting outside with fat cigars and champagne.’

‘Oh, not cigars, please.’ She laughs gently. ‘I’ve had enough of those to last me a lifetime. And I rather hoped you’d be there to hold my hand.’

I look at my best friend. She seems a tiny bit scared. And so I give her a huge, reassuring hug.

‘Of course I will,’ I say. ‘You know, I fucking love you to bits.’

‘I love you too.’ She smiles back gratefully.

It’s definitely a party to remember. And, much later, as the sun is setting over the river and all the drag queens, ice queens and acid queens that are George and David’s friends are making for home, David takes me to one side.

‘Thank you.’ He gives me a huge hug. ‘More than anything. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Not many people would have done what you did today. It was very unselfish.’

Too fucking right it was, I thought. You don’t know how unselfish.

But he does.

‘I know about Sam,’ he says. ‘Janice told us. I know how you gave that up for me and George. And I’ll never be able to make it up to you. I love you.’

‘Love you too.’ I hug him. ‘And you’re very welcome.’

It’s ironic, really. There I was at the start of this year, so determined to stay single, so determined to shag around as much as I wanted that I didn’t realise I was falling in love by accident.

I fell in love with Sam by default.

Still,
where has that got me? He certainly doesn’t want me now, does he?

I honestly thought he might turn up this afternoon, if not to the service, to the party at least. And it
has
been fun, this party.

‘
I
wouldn’t have done it,’ George agrees.

‘I know you wouldn’t, you selfish bastard.’

He smiles. ‘Life’s almost perfect.’

‘It’s not so bad, is it?’ I say.

And it isn’t, I realise. It really isn’t. I may have lost Sam, but I have three friends who love me dearly.

And I’m going to be a godmother.

How lovely.

‘
Almost
perfect?’ David asks. ‘What more do you need?’

‘A baby?’ George suggests. ‘Katie darling, are you sure Janice won’t sell?’

I laugh. ‘I’m sure.’

He’ll never change.

‘And what about you? Is the answer still no?’

‘Put it this way, I’m not exactly hanging out the Womb To Let signs yet.’

‘I’m glad to hear it,’ says a familiar voice.

My heart lurches.

David and George instinctively melt into the background, and I’m left alone.

‘You did it then?’ Sam asks me.

I nod, slowly. ‘Yes, I did it.’

‘No regrets?’

‘None,’ I say truthfully. ‘I was helping a friend. Two friends I just wanted to make happy. They
do
love each other, you know.’

‘I know,’ Sam says. ‘I’m sorry things have turned out the way they have. Between us, I mean.’

‘I know.’

‘Do you think we can still be friends?’

‘I hope so.’

‘Would
you like to?’

Slowly, from somewhere deep inside, I manage a small smile.

‘Yes,’ I answer truthfully. ‘We don’t exactly have any choice, do we? We’re going to be related. Remember?’

‘Oh yeah.’ He smiles ruefully. ‘You’ll be my sister.’

‘So it’s probably just as well we didn’t, you know…’

‘I know.’ He gives me a hug. A brotherly one this time. And I feel a twinge of regret.

But only a very tiny one.

‘Bye for now,’ I say, trying to be brave. ‘Perhaps we can go for a drink when it’s all a bit…you know.’

‘I know.’

It’s weird, making my way home alone from my own wedding. I’m just about to climb into a cab at Kew Bridge when I hear running behind me.

Sam.

‘Can I keep you company?’ he asks. ‘This evening, I mean?’

‘I don’t know.’ I shake my head. ‘I’m not sure…’

‘Please?’

‘OK.’

When we get home, I feel strangely flat. All I want is a hot bath and bed.

‘Will you feed Graham and Shish for me?’

‘Sure.’

I don’t particularly want the bath for the bath’s sake. I just feel the need to get away from Sam. I’m confused. Why is he here? And where’s Pussy?

God, this hurts too much.

OK, so we’re friends again. And I’m glad. Really glad. We’ve known each other for ever. I would have hated to lose him.

But how long is it going to take? Getting over him, I mean.

And how will I manage to be a good sister to someone I’m head over heels in love with?

Especially when I’m going to have to watch him and Pussy being so bloody happy together.

I lie
back in a mound of patchouli-scented bubbles, glancing down at my white gold wedding ring with a wry smile. George insisted that I wasn’t to have gold, because it would look common.

I close my eyes, sinking underneath the surface to scrub away the rigours of the day.

Suddenly, as if from nowhere, I’m being pelted with stones.

‘What the fuck?’

I come spluttering and coughing to the surface.

‘What…’

Sam is climbing into the bath with all his clothes on.

‘What the fuck are you doing?’

‘I’m taking the tap end. What does it look like?’

‘I don’t understand.’

‘Don’t you?’ he says gently, sitting down suddenly so that water slops all over the side of the bath and onto the floor.

‘And what’s this?’ I feel underneath my right buttock to see what’s digging into it. ‘It bloody hurts. Why are you throwing stones into the bath?’

And then, with a tiny flutter inside, I realise that it isn’t a stone.

It’s a jelly bean.

A red jelly bean.

And there are packets of Brannigans crisps all over the floor of the bathroom.

‘I love you, Katie,’ says Sam, looking utterly ridiculous in his black Diesel jacket, sitting in a full bath, stinking of patchouli and surrounded by floating, brightly-coloured sweets. ‘You can make me take the tap end as often as you like and I’ll still love you.’

‘But you’re still marrying Pussy.’

‘Whatever gave you that idea?’

‘I came to see you. And she was there. Moving all her stuff in.’

‘Dope.’ He flicks a mound of bubbles at my nose. ‘She was moving it out. I gave her my keys because I wanted her to remove the rest of her things from my property. She had loads of stuff just lying around.’

‘So
she made it up?’ I ask, my heart suddenly lifting.

‘Of course she did,’ he says. ‘I’m surprised you didn’t twig. You know what she’s capable of.’

‘So why didn’t you come to the wedding?’

‘I didn’t want to stop you from doing whatever it was you wanted to do. And it doesn’t matter. You being married to David, I mean.’

‘Honestly?’

‘Honestly. I thought it would but it doesn’t. All that matters is that I love you. Married or not. I mean, it’s not as though you’re married in the true sense of the word, is it?’

‘Well…’ I begin, then seeing his face I start laughing. ‘I’m joking.’

‘So will you? Can we?’

‘Oh, Sam.’ I laugh, finally feeling completely happy. ‘Go and cut me a bit of my wedding cake and I’ll think about it.’

J
anice
had the baby, a girl. She wanted to call her Katherine (after me) but I managed to convince her that was a boring name, which no one ever knew how to spell, so she chose Lucille. She’s beautiful. She looks a lot like Janice and nothing like Jasper—thankfully. Janice’s mum has come to live with them and looks after Lucille while Janice is at work. Janice’s mum loves not having to live in a horrible flat where the lifts never work any more. And Janice is seeing someone new. His name is Ethan and he has a little girl too. They take the kids to the park every weekend. I don’t know that they’re in love, exactly, but they do seem very happy. I’m glad.

George pops in to see them all the time. He’s a doting godfather. He’s given up work now, and he and David are travelling around a lot at the moment, because they’re hoping to buy themselves a Third World baby. So far, I don’t think they’ve managed to get one to match the upholstery of their new car, but I’m sure they’ll find something suitable soon.

Jasper’s name turned out not to be Jasper at all. His real name
is Archie Higgs and he’s been wanted by police for questioning over an illegal porn ring operating in the Hampshire area for some time. I saw it in the
News of the Screws
.

Poppy had twins Molly and Holly in September. Being Poppy, she had a perfect, painless birth. Not like Janice’s, which left the delivery room looking not unlike an abbatoir and her perineum in tatters. And, being Poppy’s, the twins are perfectly behaved. They only cry in extreme circumstances and are hardly ever ill. The only time Poppy saw Janice’s baby, Lucille barfed up all over her, to Janice’s and my huge amusement.

I don’t know what happened to Max, because, thankfully, I never saw him again.

Nick and Mum bonded over the stew and he pops round to her and Jeff ‘s for supper every now and again.

Jake and Fishpants got married not long ago. The bridegroom wore Hugo Boss and the bride’s knickers were showing.

Pussy’s wedding to a minor royal was splashed all over
Hello!
the other week.

And I finally got to have a shag on my wedding night after all.

And, yes, the novelty draught-excluder was definitely not a disappointment.

My mother is in seventh heaven now that Sam and I have got it together. She keeps hinting about wedding bells and it’s becoming difficult to keep my looming decree absolute from her.

But I don’t think Sam and I will get married.

I mean, you can’t exactly have a wedding where the bride and groom’s parents are one and the same?

Can you?