My Former Self (10 page)

When we arrive at the school, all of the teachers are at the entrance, which we assume is to smell if anyone has been drinking. We have sprayed so much perfume, and we’re each chewing at least two pieces of gum, so alcohol should not be detected. Even though we only had two glasses of rye and Pepsi each, we feel as if we’ve had more. I think that the idea of us drinking has made
us feel buzzed, which is good if I want to approach Shane.

A bunch of the girls dance in a circle to all of the fast songs that we know by heart—“Straight Up,” “Like a Prayer,” “Rock On,” “The Look”—and when the music switches to a slow song, like “Eternal Flame” or “Right Here Waiting,” we all move to the wall and wait to be asked to dance. I dance with a few guys, mainly friends, like Greg or Neil. When “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” comes on, I am watching Shane to see where he’ll go, anticipating that it is to me. Darren then surprises me by asking me to dance. As much as I want to say no and wait for Shane, I can’t really. Shane asks Annick, a girl in his grade, to dance, and I suddenly feel the pang of jealously in my stomach. I don’t carry on much of a conversation with Darren, although he’s trying. I see Shane look over at me, so I smile and put up my hand that’s been resting on Darren’s shoulder. God, I wish I could be dancing with him instead.

The dance continues the way it always does, plenty of fast songs, with a few slow in between, some girls crying and going off to the bathroom, and teachers walking around the gym, making sure everyone is acting appropriately. It is nearing eleven, and we all know that it’s time for the last song of the night. We are confused when the last song to come on is a fast one,
“My Prerogative,” by Bobbie Brown. My hopes are dashed. No dance with Shane.

“Hey, Tonya. How are ya?” I didn’t see Shane approach me from behind.

“Hi. I’m good, you?” I try not to sound too excited.

“I wanted to ask you to dance, but every time I came up, you were already dancing. Do you want to go and talk in the hallway?”

We head down a hallway that is a little more removed from the music so people can actually carry on a conversation. We make small talk for a few minutes, and then he asks me why I didn’t call him when I got back from my family vacation.

“I was going to, but I was a little nervous. I wasn’t sure that you still wanted to go out with me,” I explain.

“Are you serious? I definitely wanted to. I was waiting at the end of the summer for your phone call, but nothing. I have to say, I felt a bit mislead; I thought we had a lot in common and that the feeling was mutual.” I can see he had been thinking about how to say this for a long time.

“I’m sorry. I really wanted to…and still do want to go out with you.”

“How about tomorrow night? We could go see that new Al Pacino movie,
Sea of Love,
” he suggests.

“I’d love to. My brother saw it. He said it was great, but I think it’s R-rated.”

“That’s no big deal; we get tickets for another movie and sneak into it.”

The lights come on in the gym, and people are making last-minute plans to go out after we leave the school.

Amanda rushes up. “We’re heading over to Pete’s place. Are you guys coming?” Pete is a guy in eleventh grade who always has parties. We have often wondered where his parents go all the time because anytime we’ve been there, they are not. This one time, everybody got so drunk that the neighbours called the police, who sent everyone home. On the following Monday, Pete said his parents never found out about it and he invited everybody over again the next weekend. Mom has always been wary of me going to his house, as though she knows something more than I do.

“No, I can’t. My dad is coming to pick me and Susan up,” I say. I can see she’s disappointed.

“Well, Trish is coming later to pick me and Kait up. You’re welcome to get a ride with us,” she offers.

“I am sure my dad is already waiting outside. It’s okay, ’Man. I think Susan has to be home anyway. I’ll call you tomorrow.” Normally I would stay with Amanda for the night, but when Susan called earlier today asking for a ride home after the dance, I had to oblige. I can’t say I am disappointed; I’m tired, and I have a bunch of school work to do tomorrow.

“Yeah, I have to get home too. See you guys later,” Shane replies. “Tonya, I’ll call you tomorrow,” he says as he leaves. I can see the surprise on Amanda’s face so I explain our conversation.

She gives me a big hug. “I am so excited for you, Ton.”

“Me too, thanks. I saw you dancing with Greg a lot tonight. Is anything going on?”

“I dunno. I never really thought of him that way, but he really is a great guy. I guess we’ll see tonight—he’s going to Pete’s too. Did you see Dan with Mackenzie? What a creep!”

“You can do a lot better than Dan. Have fun with Greg tonight; he is hilarious.” It’s funny, I probably would have been jealous a few months ago, but now that I’m interested in Shane, I don’t think of Greg that way.

We say our good-byes and I find Susan to leave. I was right—Dad is waiting outside of the school for us.
On the drive home, he asks us about the dance and with whom we each danced. I know he finds it a bit awkward talking to us about this, but he tries nonetheless. He’s the best; I admire him so much and appreciate his effort. I tell Dad about Shane and our date tomorrow, thereby getting permission to go. Susan is quiet in the backseat. I am not sure how we get on the topic of Uncle Jack, but Dad tells me that he is seeing someone. This is big news, as I don’t think he’s dated anyone since his marriage broke up.

“Who is she? Do you know her?” I am full of questions, but I only ask two.

“Yes I do know her. I set them up. Linda works at my office as a sales rep. I knew she was single, so I arranged a meeting over lunch a few weeks ago and they’ve been out a few times since. He seems to be really pleased about it. Now don’t you go and say anything; he would probably be embarrassed if he knew that I told you.”

“I won’t, promise. That is so good.” Really, if this works out, maybe he won’t always have to be at our family dinners and vacations all the time. I know that is not a very agreeable thought, and I would never voice it to my father, but it is true.

As I settle into bed I think about how depressing the day began when I found out that Jeremy wasn’t coming home next weekend. Now I feel excited for my date with Shane and happy for Jack. It doesn’t take much to turn the day around.

Winter 2010

“I
t’s been too long, Ton. We need to do this more often, or you need to get on Facebook.” Amanda and I have finally found a date that works for both of us to go out for dinner. We speak somewhat regularly, but have difficulty finding the time to get together. She is married with two kids, so her life is a lot busier than mine. We tried meeting last month, but her son had the stomach flu. Then we tried again a few weeks ago, but her husband had hockey so she had to stay with the kids. Finally, tonight we have decided to meet at The Keg in her neck of the woods. She hasn’t changed much since I first met her. She is still extremely attractive and very much in shape. Her blonde hair is now dyed with
highlights, making her look younger than a lot of people our age.

“I know, you’re right,” I say, although I have no intention of joining Facebook. If I wanted to be in touch with acquaintances, let alone friends, I would be. “How’s school?” Amanda teaches English at a high school in the west end.

“It’s great—except for the fact that no one can spell anymore! Seriously, I wonder what the hell I am doing teaching them how to use apostrophes when my own husband doesn’t know how to use them. I think the fact that he texts everything has made things worse. I suppose that society is changing; maybe we won’t be using apostrophes in a few years! How are things at the office?”

“Oh, they’re fine. It’s a good place to work and the people are really nice. We had our Christmas party a few weeks ago. It was pretty wild—Cindy slept with Patrick!”

“No way!” She knows all about the people I work with and finds the office politics fascinating.

“Yeah, it was very awkward in the office the following Monday. I can’t believe she did that; she must have been pretty drunk to let it happen. I keep thinking that there’s no way Dr. Roerke will hire her full-time when she finishes school,” I say.

“That’s absolutely crazy. God, I would have loved to have been in the office to see the after-effects of that train wreck! There was an affair at our school between the shop teacher and another teacher that had everyone talking, but that was a few years ago. It came out when they got caught together in his office by one of the secretaries. They ended their marriages and shacked up together. Crazy, eh?”

“Yeah, it is. It kinda makes me think of Dale and how he did that to my sister. Sandy is still really upset over the whole ordeal.” Thinking of Dale reminds me that I should give Sandy a call soon.

“Have you talked to Kaitlyn at all?” I ask, knowing that she probably has as she is much better at keeping in touch than I am.

“She’s having a tough time. After the miscarriage she went for some counselling. The fact that they can’t get pregnant again has been really difficult for her. I think she somewhat blames herself for being unable to keep the baby in the first place, and now that she can’t get pregnant, it makes it that much harder for her to accept. I don’t really know how to comfort her either, having never experienced anything like that. I even find it a little awkward talking about my kids when she is going through all of that. She and Todd looked into in vitro, but the cost is over twenty thousand dollars and Todd just got laid off.”

“I should call her. I haven’t seen her since my mom’s funeral,” I say.

Kaitlyn and I were so close in high school, but we sort of drifted apart after that. When she married Todd soon after high school, Amanda and I were in the wedding and took part in all of the festivities. It didn’t take long to see that Todd didn’t treat her the way we thought she should be treated. It was nothing abusive or anything like that; it just seemed like a lack of respect. Instead of saying, “Kait, can you grab me a sweater,” it was “Kait, grab me a sweater,” in a tone that was almost angry. If they were in the same room, he would direct her to go do this or that—things which he could have easily done himself. I remember the first time he ordered her around, Amanda and I exchanged glances. How she could just let him command her was beyond us. We often talked about it and figured that because she didn’t have much of a father figure growing up, she needed—or thought she needed—someone like Todd. The ironic part was that she ended up getting a job at the Domestic Abuse Network in Lindsay. I suppose she never saw his ways as insolent, as compared to all of the other men she encountered.

After I had moved away, I would come home occasionally to see my family. I’d give Kait a call, but she always had some excuse why she couldn’t come out—she was under the weather, she and Todd
already had plans, she had to work. I got the feeling that Todd didn’t really want her going out if it weren’t with him. I am not sure if it was jealousy or his need to be in control, and because we never really discussed it, I never knew. Our relationship simply waned after that.

“I forgot to tell you, Ton; I ended up raising over two thousand dollars for cancer research. After my dad got diagnosed with lung cancer and your mom with breast cancer, it just seemed like I needed to do something. I trained for a while to be able to run the marathon. Actually getting sponsors was easy; the training and getting into shape was the tough part.”

“How is your dad anyway? And the rest of your family?” I ask.

“He’s good now, but they are monitoring him monthly. Trish is really good. She just opened up her own clinic, so she doesn’t have to work with the other doctors anymore. She’s happy about that. Her son, Caden, is two and a half and he’s been a bit of a handful lately, but I think it’s all par for the course. I remember when William went through it—it was awful! I remember one time breaking down because I was so frustrated with the tantrums that Wil actually stopped mid-tantrum because of my reaction. From that point on, there was a lot of acting on my part.”

We spend the next few hours catching up—she talks about her kids and married life and I listen for most of it. She no longer asks me who I am dating or if I am interested in anyone, as she learned long ago that I don’t really appreciate it when people inquire. I never came right out and told her. She could just tell from my stories how angry that question made me.

Amanda and Kaitlyn were my best friends in high school, and now I barely see them. Life has a way of changing things. I remember thinking in high school that we’d be close forever; that we’d get our families together to go on vacations; that our husbands too would become close. It’s funny how your high school mind thinks. Everything seems so simple, so black and white. Now, things have become grey.