“Tell me, please, because I can use all the help I can get.”
“The day you discover your true self-worth is the day you can walk away from anyone who isn't good for you. You can set him free and not give a damn. You won't use the excuse that you âlove' him anymore. When you can walk away, that's when you will realize who you really love.”
“Who?”
“Yourself, girlfriend. Love yourself.”
* * *
A few days later, Alexis was at the home she shared with her mother. The one-and-a-half-story bungalow had always been big enough for two people, but lately the place seemed cramped. Alexis was sick of her mother always getting on her about her life, how to raise the baby, and more.
It was late at night. Alexis quietly gathered some clothing items, Hayley's outfit, and jammed her tote bag with her umbrella, a self-help magazine, a water bottle, and her pouch that was filled with cosmetics.
She strapped her sleepy daughter in the car, buckled her own seat belt, and wildly drove away from her house in her two-seater Benz. Where she was going? She didn't know. But she was desperate to get away.
“I need to sell this shit. Use the money to make a down payment on my own damned house.”
She and her mother were butting heads again. And she dreaded the moment she would walk into the house. She knew the fighting would start again. As she blindly drove through the streets of Houston, she couldn't erase the scene that just happened when she tried to get her mom to babysit Hayley:
“Hey, daughter,” Mona had told her when she'd snuck and placed her daughter in her mother's bed and told her she'd be back later. “This is the third time this week you had a sudden emergency and dumped your child on me with little warning. I love my little Hayley, but I am not about to raise another kid. I don't have the strength. I feel bad when I'm lying around and she comes in here asking me to play hide and go seek with her.”
“I'm sorry, Mama. I really am. But I am not responsible for all the unplanned things that can happen that require me to leave the house for a little while.”
“You were already gone for a couple hours last night. I hope you weren't away getting a quickie.”
“Mama, don't be ridiculous. I haven't even done anything like that with Varnell. And I told you me and Rashad don't do that anymore, either.”
“Well, isn't that breaking news? Heartbroken woman gets a reality check and finally dumps her horny married man. Hell, I lived that life. I know that life.” She paused for emphasis. “I must warn you, darling. Rashad will be back in your bed. They always come back. Especially if you got that good-good.”
“Ugh, Mama, I refuse to discuss this topic with you. This makes me very uncomfortable.”
“Why is that? Isn't this the very thing you talk about with your girlfriends? Oops, sorry. You don't have any friends.”
Alexis could only give her mom a horrified stare.
“I'll bet every woman you know has to watch her man around you. You're too damned beautiful. Your body is still in good shape and you were careful not to let yourself go. And anytime a beautiful single woman comes around a couple, that wife will grab her man's hand, pull him closer, not let him out of her sight. Because my beautiful daughter,
you
are temptation. Y'all may not be doing it now. But that married man will be back. Creeping up my stairs, escaping behind your bedroom door, and getting you to undress. I know one thing, you better use a condom. I don't care how much he begs.”
“Mama,” she finally screamed. “You are not describing me. You don't even know me. I am not that woman anymore. I've never really been that woman.”
“What makes you so different now, Alexis?”
“I'm not
you
, that's what.”
“Who the hell you think you're talking to, little girl?” Mona screamed at Alexis.
Her mother's voice droned on and on as Alexis quietly made her escape up those eighteen stairs into her second-floor hideaway. That's when she began to pack some things and when she decided to take her daughter with her instead of leaving her with Mona. And Alexis began to realize that yes, even though she felt like a snake for taking Carmen Foster's advice, she was glad that she had finally filed for child support a few days ago. As an administrative assistant, her salary was decent, but she needed more funds if she wanted to adequately take care of herself and Hayley. She'd racked up lots of credit card debt in the past year, plus she had to maintain two vehicles. Things were tight. Perhaps once the child support checks started being deposited into her account she could earn enough money to get her own place.
Because each time Alexis had a showdown with her mother, she felt like she just went through airport security and was forced to comply with a full-body scan by the TSA.
She felt completely naked and brutally judged.
And that's when Alexis McNeil wished she were invisible. She wished that her mother, Rashad, and that no one else could see her, search for her, or bother her about anything. It would feel like she didn't exist anymore. But was it possible to be nonexistent in a bar code, over-tracking world that constantly photographed every freeway, gas station, store, bank, and parking lot? What would a world be like that would give Alexis complete freedom so she could totally breathe?
Alexis continued to drive without a specific destination. It was ridiculously late and Hayley was beginning to fuss. Feeling sheepish, Alexis called Varnell's number. She said hello and explained the situation. She asked if she and Hayley could come over right then and maybe stay over. He said yes. Alexis and Varnell may not have been having sex, but they'd be sleeping under the same roof for the first timeâat least for that one night.
Chapter 11
Beautiful Princess
F
ebruary and March came and went quickly. Eason vs. Eason was in full effect. They'd gone through the discovery process and Rashad knew that Kiara wanted to receive some of his properties, full custody of Myles, a portion of his pension, and spousal support. Kiara's legal representatives informed her that because of the pregnancy, the courts would schedule their divorce hearing after she gave birth.
By April eighth, Kiara was beyond ready for all the monumental changes that would redefine her life. She finally made it to her fortieth week of pregnancy. She'd gained sixty-five pounds and she was very eager for her pregnancy to end.
It was Wednesday at two a.m.; the time of death, for not much moved and stirred at this ungodly hour. But that is precisely when Kiara's eyes popped open as she lay in bed. Contractions had started around midnight. She contacted the hospital, but they told her to go back to bed. And she did. But now her contractions were steady and unrelenting. She could only sleep on her back by then and she began to moan.
“Adina?” Kiara yelled as loud as she could. “It's time.”
“Okay, friend.”
Adina had been sleeping on Kiara's living room couch for the past few days just in case she went into labor. Adina rose up and took action. The tote bag that she'd packed for the hospital stay was ready and waiting next to the fireplace. Adina fled to Kiara's bathroom and ran some tap water. She quickly splashed her face. She found a clean facecloth and wet it so she could mop it across Kiara's forehead, which was beaded with sweat.
“Ain't no turning back now,” Adina said. “You ready, Mama?”
“Let's do this.”
Kiara waddled to Adina's car and soon they were headed to the birthing center.
“I wonder what Myles is doing?”
“As long as he's with his grandma Flora, he'll be just fine. And he'll be so excited to see his new baby brother or sister.”
“Yeah. But don't you think he should be used to this by now?”
“You got jokes, huh?”
Kiara may have been trying her hand at comedy, but her stomach was twisted in painful knots. Her face looked puffier than normal and her ankles were swollen. Several thoughts raced across her mind as they arrived at the Sweetwater Pavilion entrance of Houston Methodist.
Kiara and Adina rode the elevator to the third floor and she was immediately admitted, since she'd pre-registered months ago.
“Are you ready for Rashad to see you?”
“Adina.” Kiara squeezed her hand so tight she flinched. “I-I'm scared. I don't want to go under anesthesia. What if God decides to punish me for my sins? Or, if I live, what if the baby isn't perfectly formed?”
“First of all, I can't answer that question. Do I look like I'm best friends with the Lord? And secondly, you think the most morbid thoughts of anyone I know. Damn. Be positive, will you?”
“Okay, all right. Pray for me, Adina. Oops! Never mind.”
“Girl, as usual you're tripping. I will do my best to pray and we'll see what happens. Meanwhile, stay strong. You must face whatever happens like the resilient woman I know that you are.” Adina felt Kiara's pain and she wanted her to know that she wasn't alone.
“You need anything?”
“Just promise not to leave my side.”
“I got you.”
Kiara got prepared in the birthing room. Soon her doctor, Jimmy Wong, greeted her with a bright, encouraging smile.
“Hello, Kiara. You are one rare woman. These days, many mothers want to know the gender of their child in advance. But I see that you want to be surprised.”
“Humph. She'll be surprised, all right,” muttered Adina.
“If it's a boy,” Dr. Wong asked, “what will you name him?”
“If it's a boy, he'll be called Dietrich, which means leader of the people.”
The doctor nodded.
“And if I have a girl she will be named Jahzara, which is Ethiopian for âprincess who is blessed.' Her middle name is Alaine, which is Irish for âbeautiful.'
“Beautiful princess,” said Dr. Wong.
“Exactly. We'd call her Jazz for short.”
“Got it. See you soon, Kiara.”
Right before she was ushered to the delivery room, Kiara grabbed Adina's hand.
“Pray.”
Adina immediately bowed her head.
“Are you there, Jesus? Meet Kiara. Ahh, bring her baby to her. And let her see, and um, raise this baby. I guess that's all. Amen.”
Kiara couldn't believe it. “That sucked, Adina, but amen.”
Just as she feared, Kiara's blood pressure was on the high side. She ended up having an emergency C-section. She was under anesthesia when the baby was taken from her body. While knocked out, she heard the surgeons talking about all kinds of things, but she wasn't able to answer them. She was in a deep state of consciousness that made her feel like she was in orbit and soaring above the earth. But hours later, she finally came to.
Kiara's eyes fluttered until she noticed Dr. Wong standing at her bedside.
“Good afternoon. Here's your beautiful princess.” He handed her the newborn.
“Oh, my God, a precious little girl. Hey, Jazz.”
Kiara felt groggy and disoriented. But she visually checked the girl's nose and ears, cheeks and fingers. She already knew it was Rashad's child through pre-DNA testing, but she didn't share the info with anyone.
Adina winked. “My prayer may have sucked but it still worked. Congrats, Mommy.”
Kiara struggled to smile. “Thank you. Everything is great. And I'm so happy this precious baby is mine. I always wanted a little girl.”
“And now you have one. I can't wait to go shopping,” Adina said. “I'm going to buy her bows and ribbons and cute little shoes and dresses andâ”
“Adina, I must tell you that this is Rashad's child.”
She scowled but quickly recovered. “Doesn't matter. I will still spoil my goddaughter.”
“What would I do without you? Thank you for being here for me in my most trying moments.”
“That's what's sisters do.”
“Yes, we are. We're truly a family.”
Adina's cell phone rang. “Oh, my goodness, look who's calling me.” She held up her phone. The caller ID said, “Remy.” Adina answered and put the call on speaker.
“Hi there, daughter.”
“Whassup, Mama? Where are you?”
“I'm at the hospital. Kiara just had a little girl.”
“Cool. Tell her I said hey.”
“What are you doing, Remy?”
“Trying to do what folks do. Getting my little bit of education. I'm at school now in between classes.”
Adina felt so good. Remy had been staying with Marlon these days. The arrangement seemed to be working. All she wanted was for her daughter to live life the right way and for her to be safe and stay out of trouble.
“Well, I just want you to know that I've been helping out Kiara at her house. So if you need me, that's where I'll be. Maybe you can come over sometime.”
“I don't remember where she lives.”
“I can text you the address.”
“All right. I don't know if I'm coming by or not, but I will let you know. I gotta go. My world history class is about to start. ”
“Okay, Remy. Bye, baby.”
“I ain't no baby.”
“All right, bye, grown-up woman.”
Mother and daughter laughed, said their good-byes and hung up.
The attending nurse interrupted them to monitor Kiara's blood pressure.
Kiara felt happy and thankful for herself as a mom. But she was also glad for her friend. “Adina, if you could see the look on your face,” Kiara told her. “You're glowing.”
“I think Remy is finally listening to someone. You know I think it has to do with Marlon having a serious talk with the girl, because Lord knows I wasn't able to get through to her. But we'll see. I'm just happy that she's back in school.”
Right then Rashad strolled into the room. “Am I too late?”
“Oh, great,” Adina said as she protectively stepped closer to Kiara.
“Hello to you, too,” Rashad told Adina. “I'm both surprised and disappointed to see you here.”
“Shhh, a baby was recently born. No negative energy in this room, Rashad. My goddaughter is going to live a blessed, happy, prosperous and positive life.”
“Thanks, Adina,” Kiara whispered.
“
You're
going to be the godmother? Says who?”
“Rashad, we can discuss this later,” Kiara told him.
“I'll shut up about that for right now. Anyway, you look very pretty, Kiara. As hot as on the day you had Myles.”
“Oh, hush with all that.” Kiara blushed. “I'm sure I look a hot mess.”
“You look a beautiful mess. Well, enough of all that. Let me see her,” Rashad said. “And can you give us some privacy?” he asked Adina. “Every time I see Kiara for some reason you're always in the area.”
“Get used to it. Anyway, you may see the baby. You've got fifteen minutes and not a second too long,” Adina said before she left the room.
Rashad silently stared at the bundle that was quietly lying on Kiara's chest.
“She smells so good, just like her mama. May I please hold her?”
“Meet Jahzara Alaine,”âshe pausedâ“Eason.”
“She's mine?”
“Yes, Rashad.” Kiara handed the infant over to him. “Look at her, for God's sake. Can't you tell she's yours by her features?” Kiara was tickled pink as she lay there and watched Rashad carefully examine the child. He inspected her fingers, her toes, the shape of her head, her ears, her feet, everything.
“She has a head full of hair, and look at those cute little lips and her hands. I think she has little fingernails already. She's perfect,” Kiara gushed.
Rashad started rocking the baby in his arms. He stared at her with an emotionless look on his face.
“You're sure that this baby is mine?”
“I'm positive. I-I had a pre-DNA test done weeks ago. And it was confirmed. No one knew the results except me.”
“You've been known she was mine? I don't get it. Why didn't you tell me?”
“Oh, once you see the hospital bill, you'll know exactly why.”
“I don't give a damn about how much it costs. One more bill won't make that much difference. Do you know how stressed I've been? Wondering if I am going to completely lose my family and everything I've worked hard for? Stressing if I was going to lose my wife to another man and worrying if she was having his baby?”
Kiara couldn't respond. She knew Rashad. On rare occasions he grew emotional and reflective. She figured he was having a moment. She just hoped it would be a quick moment and he'd recover and behave rationally.
“Sorry about that Rashad. You don't have to stress anymore.”
“Even so, I may get a second opinion. It's important that I be sure.”
“Rashad, I'm telling you, she is yours!”
“All right, okay, she is gorgeous so she must be my baby daughter. Mine.” He stood and rocked Jazz for a while. The longer he held her, the better she felt in his arms.
He paused. “What does this mean?”
“It means you've added a new member to your growing roster.”
“Kiaraâ”
“Okay, maybe I shouldn't have said that. And I'm so sorry that I went there because I love this little baby in spite of everything. But really, Rashad, I'm kind of physically and mentally wore out right now. And this isn't the time or place for this conversation. I just had her, for God's sake. I'm trying to make sure she's healthy and breathing. And I want to get my rest and get some morphine or something because these incisions hurt like hell. Then I want to try and breastfeed Jazz if they let me.”
“I understand all that, but”âthere was hope in Rashad's voiceâ“I was talking about what happens after you leave this hospital?”
In Kiara's foggy mind, she was screaming,
Do you realize I just had an emergency caesarean
? But she answered her own question.
Nope, he doesn't. He has no idea.
“Don't even go there. The divorce is still on because you filed on me, remember? And I had to file a counterclaim because I don't want you to try and change your mind. And even though we have a daughter now, I can't forget that our union has been irretrievably broken in so many ways. Don't you understand that? So as far as I am concerned at this very second, I'm thinking we can be co-parents and nothing more. Besides, Rashad, you've obviously moved on with that woman you chose to be with.”
“I didn't choose to be with her. You made me leave our house.”
Kiara may have done wrong herself but she still hated that Rashad couldn't admit his share of the blame. She felt he was right where he wanted to be and she was sick of his excuses.
“Rashad, I could no longer live with you with all the stuff you were putting me through. What did you expect?”
“But, Kiara, I never really wanted to go. I was all right with staying away for a few days or so until we both figured out what we really wanted to do. Personally, I wanted to try and work things out. But you never gave me the chance. You wouldn't listen to me no matter what I tried to tell you. But now that I know that this is our baby, maybe that means we can have one last stab to do the right thing and make our relationship work.” He laughed to himself. “Myles is gonna be so hyped. He loves playing the big brother role. Teaching her how to fly his copters. Bossing her around but still protecting her like the little princess she is.” He stroked Jahzara's cheek and thanked God for the little girl. “I'm grateful for all my children. No matter how they got here, they are mine and I love them.”