My Secret Garden (Women Sexual Fantasies) (37 page)

I masturbate almost every day, and I almost always fantasize when I do. One of my favorites is to think about having a boy who turns me on tied up. He is helpless, and I take down his pants and play with his penis. When he is almost ready to come I stop and just watch him suffer. Then I make him do what I guess is called cunnilingus to me before I finally play with his penis until he comes.

When I pet with boys I like to have them do cunnilingus (I usually just call it eating my pie) to me, and when I masturbate I like to think about guys doing that to me.

Sometimes when I masturbate I play with my nipples and then I like to imagine that a boy is sucking on them.

Lots of the time, I just imagine that a guy is fucking me and that my finger is his penis going in and out of me. I keep doing it until I’m worn out from coming.

One of my weirdest fantasies is about being spanked. I imagine that some guy who really turns me on grabs me, lifts my skirt, takes down my panties, and spanks my bottom until it really hurts. Then when I cry he kisses my bottom all over and does cunnilingus to me.

I have sucked some guys’ penises when I’ve petted with them, and every once in a while I’ll think about that when I masturbate.

I sometimes suck on my thumb when I try to imagine that.

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I guess that the most common thing in all of my fantasies is to think about having the boy under my control and being able to make him do whatever I want him to do to please me. I think about myself sitting on a big chair like a throne with my skirt pulled up and my panties off and the boy is kneeling between my legs doing cunnilingus to me. Sometimes if I really feel devilish I imagine that I pee in his mouth and he has to swallow it. In the fantasies like this the boy’s hands are tied so that he cannot touch me except with his mouth. Usually he is naked and sometimes I imagine that I am whipping him when he is kneeling in front of me like that. I usually add to these fantasies in whatever way I feel like at the time.

I have other fantasies, but these are my favorites right now.

A couple of years ago, an older girl and I did mess around together some. Mostly we masturbated each other and I sucked on her nipples some. She was the one who first taught me about cunnilingus, too. When I masturbated myself then I would think about the things she and I did, and I still think about them once in a while now when I masturbate. Mostly I think about the way she used to get so turned on and come so much when I played around with her. Sometimes I like to imagine what it would be like if I did those same things with a younger girl. Also, I like to imagine what it would be like to have a penis like a guy and have sex with a girl.

When I see a guy who turns me on I like to try to imagine in my mind what he would look like standing there naked with his penis erect. It is the thought of his erect penis that stands out in my mind. If a guy like that is looking at me, I imagine that he can see me naked, too. Once in a while, I have the same thoughts about a girl. Sometimes at school when I pass by the boys’ rest room I imagine the boys in there with their penises hanging out of their pants. That makes me laugh to myself instead of feeling sexy.

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The guys I have sex with don’t know my fantasies, but sometimes without them knowing about it I get them to do things that I have fantasized about before then. I enjoy making them kneel in front of me and do cunnilingus to me before I will do anything to them.

I like to imagine myself going all the way with some guy who really turns me on with all my girl friends watching us. I imagine that they get so turned on that they start masturbating themselves and plead for him to have sex with them, but he stays with me. I also like to masturbate while I am listening to rock music. I sometimes imagine that one of the singers is having sex with me in front of a big audience.

I like horses and I sometimes imagine that I am naked and riding bareback on a beautiful thoroughbred horse. I feel bad about thinking such a thing, but I once tried to imagine what it would be like to try to get a horse’s big penis into me. That was more like devilish curiosity though.

The only time that I’ve spoken any of my fantasies out loud was a few times with that older girl that I told you about. Then it got us more turned on.

I am sure that there are other things that I could have told you about if I had remembered them, but I hope that this much will be some help to you.

Peace. [Letter]

Paula

Paula is a lovely, black Haitian, whom I met in Rome. Her current lover, Tony, is a white Englishman. I would say she’s in her early twenties. I’ve left my dialogue with her unedited to illustrate how these interviews generally developed and took form. Paula, as you can see, is no sexual shrinking violet, but she originally refused to contribute to the book, saying she didn’t have any sexual fantasies. It was only when I gave her several to 285

read that she exclaimed, "Oh,
that’s
a sexual fantasy! Something that makes you feel good."

It’s interesting, too, and typical of women when they begin to talk of their fantasies, that they find they have much more to say than they thought. As Paula warms to the subject, she begins to release information, new even to herself, as if she is verbally getting in touch for the first time with up-till-now untapped realms of her self. I don’t mean she deliberately withheld information at the start of the interview – having decided to talk, she was genuinely eager to tell all and, in fact, insisted that I use her real name – but I think the depth of her fantasies and their involvement with her real life only became more conscious as she discussed them. As for myself, it wasn’t until I was halfway through the interview and beginning to get confused as to what was fantasy and what was fact, that I realized how much Paula’s fantasy and real worlds overlapped; that she, in fact, totally and happily accepted and lived her fantasies.

Q: Have you thought some more about your fantasies since we last talked?

A: Can I read some other people’s fantasies, just to see what they’re like? What I’m thinking of may not even be a fantasy.

Q: Remember the one you read about the girl fantasizing that a guy is going down on her in a restaurant?

A: When I’m making love I love to think that the guy is fucking another chick, not me.

Q: Where are you, are you in the fantasy, too?

A: I’m in my mind, I mean I know I’m being fucked but I like to think the guy is fucking somebody else.

Q: Anyone in particular, a girl friend … ?

A: No. Sometimes girls I used to go to school with, they’re the other girls, and I love it so much, what’s happening, I know they’d love it too.

Q: They’re fucking the guy you’re really with? That excites you?

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A: That’s amazing, you know? To think, when you’re making love, that somebody else is getting it, not you. I like sometimes to have another girl in bed with me, I like to get it together, with me and my boy friend, and to have him make love to her, and make love to me. I get extremely jealous, but it turns me on like crazy. The jealousy turns me on … how it’s being done, just to look at it is fantastic, to look at him fucking someone else.

Q: In your imagination, or in reality?

A: No, in my imagination. I really love it. I think about it when I’m making love. What happens is I get the kinky feeling that I know what
she’s
getting. I get really excited, thinking about all the things that she may be thinking about as well … like, oh, what a great fuck he is … even if she isn’t having a great fuck, I think, Oh wow, that’s really … strong.

Q: Do you see yourself in your imagination watching them?

A: Oh, yes. When I’m making love my eyes have to be open, even if I’m not really looking at anything. My imagination is so strong, I have to be looking, I have to have my eyes really open. If my eyes are closed, it’s no good.

Q: Most people do fuck with their eyes closed.

A: Not me. My eyes have to be open, staring at
that
object
there
.

It’s really real, it’s amazing.

Q: Do you ever feel any jealousy in reality?

A: I get jealous if I think I would be there and just looking …

but no, I am not jealous, basically. Because I know I’m really getting what she’s getting in my mind, and that’s such an enjoyment that it helps to stop the big jealous thing. I’m jealous but happily so, because it’s so exciting for me to know that she’s being fucked, and going crazy; that it’s so strong.

Q: What’s nice is that you have your eyes open. It shows how close you are to the whole thing.

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A: And I actually can see it. The woman can be anyone.

Everyone I know comes into my mind. They come and then disappear. I imagine everyone being fucked, everyone I know

… acquaintances, friends …

Q: How about men … do you sometimes think of Tony with other men?

A: Yes. When I’m making love I love to see another guy making love to him.

Q: Does that bother Tony?

A: It doesn’t bother him, no. I hate a guy to say they don’t like me thinking that. I know most guys say they wouldn’t really go with another guy. But to say they hate the idea of it, thinking of it … I hate a guy to be that way. "Oh," a guy should say, "that’s a wild idea, that turns me on like crazy." A guy shouldn’t put you down for what you think.

Q: I think many guys feel threatened if you talk about their making it with another guy; they say, "It’s one thing for a woman, but quite different for a man" to get into some homosexual number.

A: I know. But if you say it to someone who’s really groovy –that you’re thinking about him with another guy – he’ll like it, he won’t put it down. Which is nice. I love saying it to a guy I really dig, "Oh baby, I’d love to see you with another guy." I always say it if I’m really enjoying myself when we’re making love. Even if it never happens, him and the other guy, still it’s nice to say it, and if it does happen …

Q: Thinking it doesn’t mean you want it to happen, or, that it has to happen. It’s just the thought that it could happen…

A: Right. Whenever we make love I like to think that everything can happen, it doesn’t matter how dirty or how nasty. It just blows my mind to think that it’s possible to do anything. For instance, I wouldn’t mind being fucked on a horse. I like to think that it could happen … that I was in the front, and someone I really fancied was behind me, and he could just 288

slip it in as we rode off, slip it in and out. It’s something I’d love to try. I know it sounds ridiculous.

Q: Nothing sounds ridiculous.

A: But these things do go through my mind. When I go to the polo grounds to watch Tony play, I think, Oh boy, I’d really dig being taken right now, right there on that horse.

Q: Guys on horses, they’re a very sexy sight.

A: Very. I asked him once, do you come sometimes when you’re riding? And he said, "Nearly."

Q: Do you ever get into any group scenes in your fantasies … I mean more than, say, just three of you?

A: Not really. I usually have this major thing about the other girl, the girl in my fantasy, and when she’s going to come. This picture’s always in my head when I’m making love. It doesn’t matter which guy it is, it’s not necessarily Tony, but I just like to think that this other girl is feeling what I’m feeling, is getting what I’m getting.

Q: Why do you think this makes you feel more excited?

A: Because the excitement is something I want to share, because I know that some girls would love that kind of excitement, and I like to think that they’re having it at the same time.

Even if I’m really tired, I just have to open my eyes to watch what’s going on in my head. It’s like looking at your own imagination.

Q: When you meet an attractive guy, does your mind start to wander?

A: Oh, yes. But I would think that’s the most natural thing, to think: I wonder if he’s a good lay. Even if it doesn’t happen, or couldn’t, I think it. Later, maybe that night when I’m with Tony, I’ll think about that guy, think that it’s him I’m fucking. But that’s natural. I’m sure guys do it all the time, fantasize about other chicks when they’re making it with their chick.

Q: Are the girls you think about always people you know?

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A: It’s much more exciting if I know the chick. Say, I haven’t seen her for a few days, then when I think about her, wow, it all comes back, the performance. It goes on for days in my mind.

Q: You remember the scene with this girl, a real scene?

A: Right.

Q: I suppose these fantasies of other girls especially happen when the guy’s going down on you.

A: Oh, yes. Because then I can open my eyes and see his head, imagine everything, pretend everything. Seeing his head, there, I can see his mouth, too, everything … and imagine he’s doing this to some other lucky chick, as well as me.

Q: You’re a very generous girl, Paula.

A: I never just think about myself when I fantasize. I like to think of lots of people getting what I’m getting, I like to imagine a roomful of people, lots of color, and voices …

Q: So many people like to make love with the lights out, under the sheets …

A: Oh, no. I like the lights on, my eyes open. I get some of my wildest fantasies when I’m driving.

Q: So that’s why you like driving so much.

A: Always, when I’m driving a car, I feel sexy.

Q: I think lots of women feel that. Why do you think it is, women, driving, get that feeling?

A: There’s like a whole scene going on sometimes when I’m driving. It’s all happening. Most girls when they’re driving

… look at their faces next time you see one. They look very

… proud. They never look bored, never. A kind of look they have when they’re making love, thinking of sex.

Q: Does Tony like to hear about these fantasies? Do you tell him?

A: Oh, yeah. When we’re fucking he loves to know what I’m thinking, he’ll ask me and say, "Oh, that’s beautiful; go on, tell me more."

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Q: Many people seem to fuck silently. So many women tell me they wish their guys would talk to them more.