My Weirdest School #2 (4 page)

“Thank you thank you thank you!” Andrea said. “I always wanted to be on TV!”

It wasn't fair! Starting the TV station was
my
idea, not Andrea's. I was supposed to be the anchor. This was the worst day of my life.

“Should I write a script for Monday, Ms. Cuddy?” Andrea asked.

“No,” she replied. “I chose you to be co-anchor so you and A.J. can banter with each other.”

“Banter?” I asked. “What does
that
mean?”

“Just talk to each other,” Ms. Cuddy told us. “You two have great chemistry together.”

“Ooooo!”
Ryan said. “A.J. and Andrea have great chemistry together. They must be in
love
!”

“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.

On Monday there were two chairs at the anchor desk—one for me and one for Little Miss Know-It-All. Andrea was sitting there, getting her nose powdered by Emily. The guys were working with the cameras and stuff.

“Hey, what about
me
?” I shouted. “Aren't you going to powder
my
nose?”

“You told me to leave you alone,” Emily replied.

“I want my nose powdered!” I shouted.

“Thirty seconds to airtime!” shouted Alexia.

We were all on pins and needles.

Well, not really. We were sitting on chairs. If we were on pins and needles, it
would have hurt.

“Okay, it's go time, folks!” said Ms. Cuddy. “Are my anchors ready?”

“Yeah!” Andrea and I said.

“I can't
hear
you!”

“YEAH!”

“Break a leg out there,” said Ms. Cuddy.

What?! Why would she want us to break our legs? That made no sense at all.

“Three . . . two . . . one . . . ,” said Alexia. “Action!”

“Welcome to the morning announcements,” I said. “My name is A.J. and I hate school.”

“My name is Andrea and I
love
school,” said Andrea. “Should we start with the
weather, Arlo?”

“Sure,” I said. “The weather outside is—”

I didn't get the chance to finish my sentence because Andrea interrupted me.

“Instead of talking about
today's
weather,” she said, “I'd like to talk about
tomorrow's
weather.”

“What?” I asked. “Who cares about tomorrow's weather? We can talk about tomorrow's weather tomorrow.”

“Did you say
tomorrow
?” Andrea asked.

That's when she did the most amazing thing in the history of the world. She got up and started
singing
!

“The sun'll come out . . . tomorrow . . .”

Oh no! Andrea was singing that dumb song that she always sings! She threw her arms out to her sides and sang the whole song. It was horrible. After that was over, she sang another song about a hard-knock life or something. I'm not sure of the words because I was covering my ears the whole time. I thought I was gonna die.

Finally, Andrea stopped singing and sat down. She looked at me like it was my turn to start talking.

“Uh, so do we have any birthdays at Ella Mentry School today?” I asked.

“There are no birthdays today, Arlo,” Andrea said. “So instead, I'd like to do a little dance.”

WHAT?!

Before I could say anything, Andrea had climbed up on the desk and started clog dancing, which is some kind of dance that plumbers do.

Andrea takes clog-dancing lessons after school. In fact, Andrea takes classes in
everything
after school. If they gave classes
in nose picking, she would probably take them so she could get better at it.

Finally, Andrea finished her dumb dance and sat back down. Then she looked at me again like I was supposed to say something.

“Lunch for today will be macaroni and—”

“I'm sorry, but that's all the time we have for the announcements,” Andrea
said. “Have a great day, Ella Mentry students, and we'll see you right here . . . tomorrow.”

Then she started singing again.

“I love ya, tomorrow; you're always a day away.”

“And . . . cut!” shouted Alexia.

The red light on top of the camera turned off.

“Awesome!” said Ms. Cuddy. “That was fantastic, Andrea! Let's see what those Dirk jerks are doing with
their
morning announcements.”

She flipped the channel to the Dirk station. It looked like every kid in Dirk School was out on their playground. They were
all singing and dancing, and they were dressed like werewolves.

“WOW!” everybody said, which is “MOM” upside down.

“That's Michael Jackson's ‘Thriller'!” Andrea shouted. “I've seen that video!”
*

“Noooooooo!”
shouted Ms. Cuddy. “Not ‘Thriller'!”

Then she fell on the floor and started sobbing.

It didn't take long for the bad news to arrive. Our ratings went
down
! Only forty people tuned in to see our morning announcements.
Ninety
people watched Dirk School put on “Thriller.”

“This is a disaster!” Ms. Cuddy moaned. “Everything we do, Dirk does better.”

I must admit, I was secretly happy that our ratings went down. If Andrea's singing and dancing had been a big hit, we would never have heard the end of it. But Ms. Cuddy was really upset. She looked like her dog had died or something.

“It's okay, Ms. Cuddy,” Ryan said. “It doesn't matter to us how many eyeballs we have.”

Suddenly, Ms. Cuddy jumped up. She had that fire in her eyes again.

“Well, it matters to
me
!” she shouted. “I'm not a quitter! If at first you don't succeed, try, try again! That's what we do. We
never
give up! Right?”

“Right,” we all said.

“I can't
hear
you!”

“RIGHT!”

Ms. Cuddy must have hearing problems or something. She's always saying she can't hear us. She should go to a doctor and get her ears checked.

She paced back and forth for a few minutes, and then she snapped her fingers.

“I've got it!” she said.

Grown-ups always snap their fingers when they have a good idea. Nobody knows why.

“You've got
what
?” we all asked.

“We need to get your parents involved so they'll watch our station instead of the Dirk station!” she said. “And I know just how to do it!”

When we came in the next morning, Ms. Cuddy handed scripts to me and Andrea. Emily powdered our noses. The red light went on. Alexia shouted, “Action!”

“My name is A.J. and I hate school,” I said.

“My name is Andrea and I
love
school,” said Andrea. “The weather today is chilly. We'll be right back after this message.”

The red light went off. We looked up at the TV screen. And you'll never believe in a million hundred years who was on it.

My mother!

“Oh no!” I groaned.

“Hi, I'm A.J.'s mom,” my mother said. “I wanted to tell you that I love you, and I'm so proud of you being such a big TV star
and everything. Oh, one more thing, A.J. Clean your room. It's a pigsty.”

“Oh, snap!” said Ryan. “Your mom just said you were a pig.”

The red light went on again. I looked at my script.

“Today's lunch will be chicken fingers,” I read. “We have one birthday today. Darby Dearborn in second grade turns eight years old. And now, a word from our sponsor.”

The red light went off. We looked up at the TV screen. And you'll never believe who was on it.

Ryan's mom!

“Oh no!” groaned Ryan.

“Hi everyone,” Ryan's mom said. “Kids grow up so fast these days. I can hardly believe my little Ryan is such a big boy now, working for a real TV station. It seems like only yesterday that I was giving him a bath in our kitchen sink.”

Everybody looked at Ryan. He was holding his hands in front of his face.

“You took a bath in your sink yesterday?” I asked Ryan.

“No!” Ryan shouted.

“I remember when my baby Ryan was crawling around on all fours,” said Ryan's mom. “All he could do was burp and pee and say goo-goo. I had to wipe his little bottom for him. And
now
look at him.”

Everybody looked at Ryan. He was still holding his hands over his face.

“Is she finished?” he asked.

“Your mom is weird,” I told Ryan.

“She's always going overboard,” he said.

“She jumps out of boats?” I asked.

The morning announcements went on forever because we had to watch commercials from everybody's parents. Finally, after we had all been embarrassed, the red light went off. It was over.

“Cut!” shouted Alexia.

“Fantastic!” shouted Ms. Cuddy. “Your parents
had
to watch that. Everybody wants to see themselves on TV.”

Well, Ms. Cuddy was wrong, because once again our ratings went down and Dirk's went up. They did a version of my favorite show,
Win Money or Eat Bugs
. The Dirk teachers had to answer trivia questions. When they got them right, they won money. When they got them wrong, they
had to eat bugs. Even I wanted to see that.

“Noooooooo!”
Ms. Cuddy shouted. “Not
again
! We will beat those Dirk dorks! You just wait and see! I'll make them wish they never tangled with me!”

Ms. Cuddy was fuming. She paced back and forth mumbling to herself. Then she snapped her fingers.

“I've got it!” she said.

“You've got
what
?” we all asked.

“I'll tell you tomorrow morning,” she said mysteriously.

When we got to the studio the next morning, Ms. Cuddy was waiting outside, but the door was locked.

“Aren't we going to do the announcements today?” Andrea asked.

“We need to change our format,” she replied. “We need to get out of the studio and into the streets. That's where the people are. Come on, let's go!”

Ms. Cuddy had a portable TV camera. She led us across the street.

“Where are we going?” Neil asked.

“We're going to follow our noses and sniff out stories,” she replied. “We're going to do investigative reporting.”

There was just one problem. The streets were empty. All the kids had been dropped off at school. All the parents had left for work or gone home. There was nobody around.

“There are no stories out here,” Michael said.

“You just aren't looking hard enough,” said Ms. Cuddy. “See, this car is parked too close to a fire hydrant. That's illegal! I'm calling the police!”

“It's like an inch too close,” said Alexia.

“Yeah, what's the big deal?” asked Ryan.

Ms. Cuddy ignored us. She pulled out her cell phone and punched in a number.

“Hello, police department?” she said. “We have a crime in progress across the street from Ella Mentry School. Send some cops over right away, and a tow truck too. Hurry!”

A few seconds later we heard a siren. Ms. Cuddy handed the camera to Michael
and told me to stand in front of the car.

“Okay, A.J.,” she said. “Action!”

“Uh . . . my name is A.J.,” I said, looking into the camera. “I'm standing here across the street from Ella Mentry School, where there appears to be a crime in progress.”

At that moment a tow truck and two police cars screeched to a halt next to us. Some cops got out and rushed over. Michael filmed the whole thing.

“What's the problem?” one of the cops said.

“This car is parked illegally,” I told him.

He looked at the car.

“It's a few inches too close to the hydrant,” he said. “You dragged us over here for
that
?”

The cops looked like they were going to leave.

“People can't just park wherever they want,” shouted Ms. Cuddy. “Don't we have laws in this country?”

“Who are
you
?” a cop asked Ms. Cuddy.

“I'm a concerned citizen,” she said. “My taxes pay your salary! Criminals need to learn their lesson! Do your job! You've got
to tow that car away.”

The cop rolled his eyes.

“Okay, boys,” he said. “Tow it.”

The tow truck driver attached some chains to the car and started towing it down the street. At that moment, Mr. Klutz came out of the school.

“What's going on?” he asked. “Why aren't you using the TV studio we paid a million dollars for?”

“We decided to hit the streets and do some investigative reporting,” Ms. Cuddy said.

“Yeah,” I told Mr. Klutz. “A car was parked here illegally, so we had the police tow it away.”

Mr. Klutz turned around and looked down the street. Then he looked at the empty spot where the car had been.

“Wait a minute,” he said. “That was
my
car you towed away!”

“
Your
car?” we all shouted.

“Oops,” said Ms. Cuddy.

“Is this some kind of a
joke
?” asked Mr. Klutz.

Of course not. A joke would be, like—
A library is the tallest building in the world, because it has the most stories.
Mr. Klutz totally doesn't know what a joke is. He went running down the street chasing the tow truck.

It was hilarious.