Naamah's Curse (38 page)

“That you cared for her, yes, but…” Words failed him. “Did my
uncle
know?”

I sighed. “Yes, Aleksei. What did you think I was shouting about in the temple? He took great pleasure in extracting every detail, twisting, perverting, and tarnishing my happiest memories.”

Aleksei just stared at me.

“You see?” I said to him. “
This
is why I could never be the wife and helpmate you envision. You’re not seeing me as I am, Aleksei. Not yet. You’re seeing me as you think I ought to be.”

“What is wrong with wishing to see you perfected in God’s eyes?” he whispered. “A God of love, not punishment?”

“Nothing.” I set out walking again, forcing him to come after me. “Except that it will not happen. I told you before, I am a child of the Maghuin Dhonn, and I will die before I betray Her. And,” I added, “I am a child of Naamah and Anael, too. I cannot swear a sacred oath to serve them over the Maghuin Dhonn Herself, but I am grateful to allow Naamah to use me as her vessel when she sees fit. And when Anael the Good Steward makes his will known to me, I will obey that, too.”

With his long legs, Aleksei caught up to me easily. “So that’s why you cannot love me? The gods will not allow it?”

“No.” I shook my head. “I am sorry, Aleksei, truly. I didn’t know how you felt. And I thought you knew, I thought your uncle had shared the catalogue of my sins with you. It isn’t only a question of faith. There’s someone else.”

His voice took on a savage note. “
Other
than this Cillian,
other
than the D’Angeline Queen.”

“Aye,” I said coolly. “
Other
than Raphael de Mereliot,
other
than the carriage-driver not even your uncle knew about. Would you have me make my confession to you?”

“No! No, it’s just…” His voice trailed away.

I sighed again. “I know, I know! You had a dream, and I dashed it. You took me by surprise, you know. I didn’t expect you to entertain such heretical fantasies.”

“Why do you think I struggled so hard against it?” he asked. “Why do you think I went to such extreme measures?”

I shrugged. “Ordinary mortal desire was enough to terrify you. How was I to know it was more than just that?”

“I suppose you weren’t,” Aleksei admitted. He walked without speaking for a while. “So who is he? This
other
?”

Unable to help myself, I glanced over my shoulder toward the south where Bao’s
diadh-anam
guttered so disturbingly low. “It’s a long story, and it’s difficult to explain. There are parts of it you will find blasphemous. And I will tell you one day, but I don’t feel like it tonight. He’s very far away, looking for me in the wrong place, and I’m worried about him.”

“You know where he is?” he asked.

“Always, except when I was in chains.” I rubbed my face wearily. “We’re joined together, Bao and I.”

Mercifully, Aleksei didn’t press me. The dusk deepened, stars and a ghostly half-moon emerging in the soft violet-blue sky. The sound of bird-song faded. Dusk gave way to true darkness, the moon and stars brightening to light our way. Slowly and steadily, step by step, we made our way north.

An hour or so before dawn, I suggested that we break once more for sleep. I would need more rest if I were to be able to summon the twilight in daylight tomorrow. Aleksei nodded in agreement, and we left the road, stumbling through the pine-scented darkness until we found a good place to make camp.

Once again, I curled gratefully onto the pine-mast, half-asleep by the time I pillowed my head on my scarf.

“Moirin?”

Aleksei’s voice jolted me awake. “Aye?”

“If you truly love this other man, how can you offer to invoke Naamah’s blessing for me?” he asked.

“Oh…” I yawned in the darkness. “It
is
possible to love more than one person, Aleksei. But that is one of Naamah’s mysteries, and you will never understand it if you do not seek her blessing.”

He was silent for so long I almost fell asleep again. “I will pray on the matter.”

“You do that,” I murmured.

T
rue to Aleksei’s prediction, we reached a settlement along the Ude River by mid-day.

Setting aside our differences, we worked together to hone our plans. He estimated it would take two days to reach Udinsk. I couldn’t hold the twilight for both of us that long, not even close. But it was most important that the villagers in the settlement didn’t see me, that we didn’t leave behind rumors of a green-eyed witch.

So I would conceal myself while Aleksei sought to book passage for us. He was conspicuous too, but not as much as I was, with his half-Vralian features and his fluent tongue. When the time came to board the barge, I would swaddle myself in my scarf as best I could, keep my head low and myself largely silent. Aleksei would pass me off as his pilgrim bride, recently arrived in Vralia, unable to speak the language.

If the barge-hands suspected otherwise, so be it. At least we were carrying any rumors upriver, away from pursuit.

Gods be thanked, it worked.

Aleksei was beaming with pride when he came to fetch me out of concealment on the outskirts of town. “Moirin! Moirin?”

I let the twilight go.

He startled. “Yeshua have mercy! It’s unnerving when you do that. Moirin, I did it! I booked passage for us on a fur-trapper’s boat. It’s a bit smelly and it took every coin I had, but I did it.”

I smiled at him, genuinely pleased at his sense of pride. “Well done, my hero. See, you’ve a knack for this after all.”

Color crept into his cheeks. Stone and sea, I’d never known a man who blushed so easily! “It’s a foolish thing to be proud of, I know.”

“Aleksei, I wasn’t teasing.” I laid my hand against his warm cheek. “It’s a good plan, and I would never have thought of it. You were right; without you, I’d be in dire trouble.”

It wasn’t a pleasant journey. The boat was low and narrow, piled high with furs; and yes, they smelled, being scraped but uncured. The fur-trappers were taciturn fellows who concentrated on paddling, content to leave us alone except for stealing speculative glances at me from time to time. I strongly suspected Aleksei could have driven a harder bargain than he did, leaving us without coin.

I didn’t care.

We were on our way, headed east, outpacing any rumor of our presence. We had a little bit of bread and cheese left, and river water to drink. It wasn’t the cleanest, but neither of us took sick from it. We had the silver chains of my captivity hidden in our bundle, and I was hopeful that we could dispose of them in Udinsk.

I had to wear that bedamned head-scarf at all times and pretend to a modesty I didn’t possess, but I’d had a great deal of recent practice at it.

We were two and a half days on the river, and on the second day, Aleksei asked me about Bao. “I do not mean to pry, Moirin,” he said in a low, earnest voice. “But you’re the most unusual person I’ve ever met, and I cannot help but be curious what manner of man won your heart.”

“Oh…” I sighed. “A rather infuriating one. And whether or not he’s won my heart is a matter of debate. We’re still working on that part. What is certain is that he carries half of my
diadh-anam
inside him.”

Aleksei’s blue eyes widened. “Your soul-spark from your bear-goddess?”

“You
were
listening!”

He smiled faintly. “You were willing to die for it, Moirin. Yes, I was listening. I
am
trying to understand.”

So I told him about Bao—not the sordid details his uncle would have extracted, but the deeper truth. How Master Lo’s magpie and I had forged a friendship that had begun tipping toward love, stymied by the dragon’s jealousy. How Bao had died, and how Master Lo had given his own life and taken half of my
diadh-anam
to restore him. How he had left, and I had gone after him, crossing the vast steppe to find him.

Unlike his uncle, Aleksei listened without judgment. “And then we took you away from him,” he said when I had finished.

“Aye,” I murmured. “And the Great Khan sent him off in the opposite direction.”

He touched my cheek, brushing away tears. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. It’s a very sad story.” He offered me another faint smile. “No wonder you were looking forward to a great love story in the scripture. You’re living in one, Moirin.”

I wiped my eyes. “Oh, I don’t know. You would probably not say that if you ever met Bao.”

“I’d like to,” Aleksei said, surprising me. “He sounds… fearless. Interesting. Maybe even a match for you. You said you were worried about him. Why?”

My gaze turned unerringly south, drawn as though by a lodestone. “I don’t know. Something’s wrong. His
diadh-anam
burns too low. And he hasn’t moved since you took my chains off,” I added. “He should have been able to sense my presence for days now. If he isn’t coming toward me, something’s keeping him from it.”

“You’re that sure of him?”

I nodded. “Bao had made his choice, and he’s infernally stubborn. I’m sure.”

Aleksei laced his hands around one knee. “That’s why you were so determined to go south.”

“Aye.”

“I’ll see that you do,” he said in a firm voice. “I’ll do my best to make good on the debt you’re owed for the suffering we caused you. And I swear… I swear on my honor, I will
not
accept your offer.”

I stared at him. “Naamah’s blessing? Why ever not?”

He blinked. “Well… it would be dishonorable, obviously.”

“No. Oh, no.” I shook my head. “Naamah’s blessing is a separate matter, and it has nothing to do with my relationship with Bao. Refuse it if you wish, but not on those grounds. I do not accept your promise.”

“Yes, but—”

“Besides,” I added, overriding him, “Bao is the one who ran off and married a Tatar princess, so he hardly has reason to object.”

It was Aleksei’s turn to stare. “He
what
?”

I’d skipped over that part. “Oh, yes. That’s why the Great Khan was so eager to sell me into captivity and send Bao in the opposite direction. He was avenging a slight to his daughter’s honor. And I do not blame him for being angry, but it was a rather extreme response if you ask me.”

Aleksei gave his head a bewildered shake. “Moirin, I swear, the more I try to understand you, the less I do.”

“I know, sweet boy.” I patted his hand. “I told you, if you choose to accept Naamah’s blessing, you will understand a great deal more.” Regarding his troubled face, I softened my voice. “It is more than carnal congress, Aleksei—so much more. We are both Naamah’s children, you and I. It is a sacrament I offer to you. Whether or not you wish to accept it is entirely up to you.”

“It just seems so messy and complicated.” He sounded dubious.

“It is.” I leaned back against a bale of fur. “The affairs of humanity tend to be messy and complicated. And at the same time, it’s the simplest thing in the world.” I remembered the look of wonder that had dawned on Snow Tiger’s face when Naamah had taken her fears away, and smiled to myself. When all was said and done, I was glad I had kept that memory private. “It is a wondrous grace.”

“What do
you
want me to do?”

I let my gaze linger on Aleksei’s face, on his rugged cheekbones and full lips, on his eyes the color of rain-washed speedwell blossoms. “I spoke the truth when I said it is a gift I would like to give you. But you cannot do it for my sake, Aleksei, no more than you can refuse it for Bao’s. We are speaking of divine grace. It is your birthright as a child of Naamah’s line, and it is her blessing that you refuse or accept.”

He did understand then. “Just as you refused Yeshua’s blessing.”

I nodded. “Even so.”

We spoke no more of the matter that day. The choice facing Aleksei had been cast in stark terms at last. At last, he had begun to understand that I was what I was, that I would never be what he wanted me to be. He understood that I offered what I could, no more and no less, and that I would leave him to seek Bao as soon as possible.

Usually, my instincts were good, but I had no idea what Aleksei would choose. He had been raised from birth to believe Naamah’s gift was a curse, and Naamah was the whore-temptress who led Blessed Elua into apostasy.