Nanny X (8 page)

“Don't ask questions you don't want answered.”

“Then you—”

“I'll tell you what, Strat,” Big Adam interrupted. “I'm going to make a little pit stop, and when I come back, I'm hoping you'll stop asking questions and see things my way. My little friend will stay here to keep you company.”

What little friend was he talking about? We hadn't seen anyone else in the office.

“Are you threatening me?” Mr. Strathmore asked.

“So what if I am?”

“If you are, I'm not sure how much I want you for a business partner after all.”

“You back out now,” said Big Adam, “and you'll see what I can do with a coconut.”

The men's room had a really long row of urinals, plus one private stall with a door on it. When Big Adam said he had to make a pit stop, Nanny X pulled us all in there, even Yeti, and latched the door. You know that scene in
From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler
where Claudia and Jamie are hiding in the museum and they have to stand on the toilet seat so the guards won't see their feet? We had to do that, except our toilet couldn't hold one nanny plus three kids plus one big, slobbery dog.

“I'll stay down here,” I said. Ali's sneakers had a pink stripe on them, Eliza had baby feet, and Nanny X's feet looked like they belonged in that museum with Claudia and Jamie. At least my feet looked like boy feet.

Nanny X climbed onto the toilet seat first, holding Eliza, and Ali climbed up after them. We hoped Eliza wouldn't make any noise. We hoped Yeti wouldn't, either.

The “eeee eeee” noise came through the sippy cup
again. Then there was a clunk as Nanny X grabbed the cup and fitted it together the proper way, sealing it in silence. She crammed it into the diaper bag, and a noise came from inside there that sounded like she'd stepped on something alive. Then that sound faded, too.

“Act natural,” Nanny X told me. “You're doing fine.”

The door to the men's room opened, and we heard footsteps. The footsteps stopped somewhere near the urinals, but we didn't hear anyone doing the sort of thing people usually do when they're in front of urinals. Instead, we heard a weird clacking and rattling sound.

Ali put one foot on each side of the stall, and then one hand on each side, the way she does in the door frame at home. She shimmied higher, her hands and feet like suction cups, so she could see just over the top and out into the bathroom.

I wanted to know what she was seeing, but I couldn't ask her; Big Adam would have heard. Then Eliza squirmed. Nanny X moved just a bit to get a better hold on her, and Ali lost her grip on the wall at the very same time. When she shimmies back home in the door frame, she is usually barefoot. Maybe the rubber on her sneakers wasn't as suction-y as her feet. She landed on top of Yeti, who yelped.

“Who's there?” Big Adam's footsteps came closer and closer. They stopped right outside our bathroom stall.

“
Take me out to the ball game
,” I sang, instead of answering. Sometimes singing makes me less nervous.

He pounded on the door of the stall.

“
Take me out with the crowd
.” I sang louder, the way I sing when we go hiking and everyone is counting on me to scare away the bears. “
Buy me some peanuts and
—”

“Step out here,” said Big Adam.

I looked at Ali, who just stared at the bathroom floor
like a statue, and then at Nanny X. “It's OK,” the nanny whispered. “We've got your back.”

I flushed the toilet, because that seemed like a good cover and also a way to cover up noise in case Eliza was thinking about making some. Then I unlocked the stall door and pushed it open just a little. I slid through to face Big Adam.

“You were making a pretty good racket in there,” Big Adam said.

I held my breath. I'm pretty sure Nanny X held her breath, too. Then Yeti squeezed out under the bottom of the stall. Maybe he didn't like being in such a small space. Or maybe he didn't want me to be alone, which is more than I can say for a certain older sister.

“Arf!”

Yeti's paws clacked on the tile. With no one holding his leash, he ran all around the bathroom. He was making so much noise, Big Adam couldn't have heard Eliza if she was having her five o'clock meltdown.

“I can't believe Stratty let you into his office with that dog. And now you have a dog in a public bathroom.”

“I'm sorry,” I said.

“It's unsanitary,” he said. He slapped his ankle, like someone slapping a mosquito. “Fleas,” Big Adam said. “That's one reason dogs aren't allowed in here.”

“But Yeti doesn't have any—”

“You take that dog and come along.”

“But I'm not finished,” I said, even though I'd flushed.

“Yes,” he said. “I believe you are.” He looked at me again, closer. “What did you see?”

“The toilet?” I said. Maybe Ali had seen something when she was being the lookout, but I hadn't.

“Where's that woman you were with? Your grandmother?”

“My nanny,” I said. “And she's waiting for me.”

“I think we should take a little walk, don't you?” Big Adam said.

“I'm not supposed to go anyplace with strangers,” I said. But Big Adam grabbed me by the arm and led me out of the bathroom. In my brain I thought:
Bravery in the face of danger
. Then I thought it two more times. I wanted to yell for Nanny X, but I didn't. I wanted to yell “H.M.A.,” which stands for Help Me, Ali. Since she was being less of a Super Snot, I thought she would. But my sister didn't come after me. Yeti did, though. I grabbed his leash right up. “It's okay, boy,” I told him. It wasn't. My sister was ignoring me, and Nanny X didn't have my back
or
my front. Only one person had me, and that person was Big Adam.

“How could you let them go?” My voice echoed in the bathroom. We'd started with a nanny who couldn't make a decent lunch. We'd ended up with a special agent who couldn't protect my little brother.

“Yeti is with him,” Nanny X said calmly. “Don't worry; they haven't left the building yet.”

I glared at her. “Why didn't you do anything? There were four of us. We could have taken him.”

“He could have taken
you
.”

“At least we would have been together,” I said. “You should have stopped him.”

“I still can. Do you trust me?”

“Why should I?” I asked. Her gray eyes stared into mine. I'm not sure what I saw in there, exactly, but something made me say: “Yes.”

“Good. We have to find out what Big Adam is up to. I'm not going to leave Jake alone. Or you.” She pulled out her
diaper phone and pushed a blue button, which, I hoped, was not the button that would make it explode.

She handed me Eliza.

“I've just arranged for one of my co-operatives to meet you here. There's a homing device on Yeti's collar. If you have to, you'll be able to keep track of him with this.” She pulled a bib out of the diaper bag and handed it to me. On the front, I saw a dribble of strained spinach and what looked like strained carrot. Then I noticed that the spinach stain was moving. So was a third stain next to it, which looked a little like squash. I guessed another thing our nanny couldn't do was laundry.

“That's Yeti with Jake,” Nanny X said, pointing to the spinach. “You'll be able to see a map of Lovett if you hold this under a purple light. There's one in the bag.”

“Who's that?” I asked, pointing to the squash stain, which, like the spinach stain, had stopped moving.

“Big Adam,” she said.

“How are you tracking him?”

“Ah,” she said. “I used what we like to call the Flick-a-Flea. The gold diaper pin has a secret compartment, you see. You just aim, press, and
ptuey
! A flea-sized tracking device. Right above his ankle. And this,” she added, pointing to the carrot stain, “is me. There's a tracking device in my hat.”

“But why would I need a tracking device for you?” I asked her. “You're right here.”

Nanny X put on her sunglasses again. I looked at the bib. The stains were on the move. “I have to hurry before they leave the building,” she said. “Stay out of sight until I'm gone. The operative will meet you right here in a few minutes. You're perfectly safe. There's a chance I can shake Jake free, but if I can't—”

“Nanny X . . .” The part of me that wasn't mad at her wanted to apologize, to tell her that it had really been my fault Jake had been taken away, because I'd made so much noise. But the words didn't come. I hadn't wanted a nanny. But that didn't mean I wanted to lose her, either.

“You're not losing me, Ali,” Nanny X said, reading my mind again. “It's a plan. It's all part of the plan.”

“Then how come you didn't mention the plan before?” I said.

“Because I just thought of it.” She put a hand on Eliza's head. Then she handed me the whole diaper bag. I put it on my shoulder. Then she and her gardening hat and her motorcycle jacket moved quickly down the hallway. When I looked at the bib, the carrot stain seemed to be dripping down the front, chasing after the spinach and the squash.

Some people run when they get scared, but that's kind of hard to do when a coconut freak has a super-villain death grip on your shoulder. Other people throw up or get strength they never knew they had. I wished for that last one, which would also come in handy in case of a zombie invasion, but I didn't get it. Some people start seeing things, and that's what I got. Big Adam led me out of the bathroom and down the hall. We were almost to Mr. Strathmore's office when I spotted this tiny, hairy guy. He was shorter than Big Adam, and he was totally, completely, absolutely naked. Mr. Strathmore was next to him, lying on the ground. He was either taking a nap right there on the floor, or else someone (the tiny naked hairy guy?) had knocked him out.

When we reached them, Big Adam stopped. “Well done,” he said, which was strange, because people don't usually talk to other people's imagination.

“Woooooooowwww!” said Tiny Naked Hairy Guy. I
blinked. He was not a guy at all; he was a monkey. Or wait: a chimp, actually. The difference is that monkeys have tails. You don't live as close to the National Zoo as I do without having some of it rub off. Plus, he wasn't completely naked; he had a red bandana tied around his neck.

“Eeeee eeee eeee.” The chimp pulled back his lips and looked at me. In one hand he held a coconut. He lifted his other hand and waved at me. I waved back.

“Arf! Arf!” Yeti barked at my imagination. His bark turned into a growl when the chimp walked up to us and tried to touch Yeti's back.

“No,” said Big Adam, sounding all Darth Vader and stuff. “Leave them to me.” The chimp took back his hand.