Authors: Paige Farmer
She looked up at Heath but his eyes were still closed and breathing still regular. From her new position, she could see under the bed and reached for the box. She panicked for a moment, unable to find it, before her fingers grazed its side. She slid it out quietly and opened it. The loaded gun sat on a bed of cotton batting like some perverse piece of jewelry. By the dying light of day, Nan wrapped her fingers around the butt of it, noting how bulky it was in her clumsy hands. Despite that, she felt stronger and safer holding the weapon.
Using her arms, she stretched her body as far as she could toward Heath, the gun still firmly in one hand, and was able to grab the key with the other. It jingled lightly as her finger and thumb pinched the ring, and she clasped it in her hand to silence the noise. Heath didn’t awaken as she slid quickly as she could toward the bed, and applying all of her strength, hoisted herself back onto it. Her right leg twisted at an unnatural angle over her left in a caricature of crossed legs. Nan put the gun down to her side and with shaking fingers, set herself free. The handcuff opened unceremoniously and clinked against the side of the bedpost. Heath stirred.
“Nan? What’cha doin’ baby doll?” he asked in a sleepy voice.
Before she answered him, she reached over and picked up the gun again. She cocked it slowly and held it trembling in front of her.
“You were going to let me die,” she said, her voice flat despite the hurt and fever that scourged her body.
“I’m leaving. I need to get help and you better not try to stop me,” she said, letting him see the gun.
“Holy fuck!” he shouted, sitting up quickly and fully awake at this point. “Put that God damn thing away before you shoot your foot off,” he barked and started to get out of the chair.
“I mean it Heath. Get out of my way,” she said, fighting back the urge to scream.
“Jesus Christ Nan. Look, you’re feeling better already, okay? I just didn’t want you stumbling out in the middle of the night by yourself,” he lamely lied.
“Get out of my way Heath. Get out of my fucking way!!” Nan said, giving into the screech this time.
He jumped out of the chair and Nan realized immediately that he was coming after her. He would take the gun, try to give her another pill, and let her bleed to death on this bed. All of this ran through Nan’s mind in less than a second before she pulled the trigger.
The small kick-back was all it took to knock her backward, but not before seeing the bloom of blood that began to spread across Heath’s chest, or his expression of complete surprise. He died with that look on his face.
Nan had no choice but to give into the darkness that swept over her.
Old shame and fear enveloped her like a greasy film. Her mouth was dry and her voice raspy. Nan couldn’t look at Charlie’s face. The very idea of seeing the disgust she felt about herself mirrored in his eyes was too much to bear. Throughout this part of her story, she had felt several sharp intakes of his breath, and with her ear pressed against his heart, she’d heard it quicken from time to time.
“Nan,” he started, but she stopped him.
“Don’t Charlie. Let me finish this. There’s more. Not the worst of it, you know that part now. But this is probably the most important piece. I need to say it, and you need to hear it.”
Sometime after she pulled the trigger on Heath, minutes and hours had become a tangled mess, Nan awoke in a room she didn’t recognize. The pain in her belly was now a manageable throb although she didn’t try to sit up. By the soft light cast from a miniature lamp in the corner, Nan could see she was alone and was startled by the unfamiliar surroundings. She was in a bed, that much she could tell, but the walls were lined with shelves filled with thick bound books. A desk strewn with papers sat kitty corner to her left near a door that was open a crack. She didn’t have the strength to panic but instead allowed herself to slip under again.
Muffled voices snapped her eyes open wide.
“Looks like her uterus might have been torn and she has an infection. I’ve packed her with cotton and started her on an IV antibiotic. That’s about all I can do here,” a voice said. “I can keep her for a few days, but what do you want me to do if she needs to go to the hospital?” a man asked.
“You fucking take her,” Nan heard Buddy reply gruffly. “Look here pal, I know what this looks like, but she’s my sister. You do anything you have to do to save her life. Got it?”
“Of course,” the other man deferred. “But if I can get on top of the infection and make the bleeding to stop, she won’t need to go.” He paused. “Does she have any other children?”
Nan wasn’t sure she heard the question correctly, but then Buddy replied.
“Yeah, a little boy,” he said.
“Well that’s good,” the man observed. “Because there’s no way she’ll be able to have more.”
Confused and disoriented, Nan tried to make sense of the situation. Suddenly, fleeting images of all the blood, her blood, and Heath’s body hitting the floor propelled her into a sitting position despite the stab of pain and a wave of dizziness.
“Buddy,” she called weakly. Her voice barely penetrated the air around her, never mind the door.
“Buddy!” Nan tried again, louder this time.
The door fully opened with a jerk and Buddy rushed in. Tears of relief stung Nan’s eyes as he walked quickly toward her. He brushed the hair from her pale, pinched face. Her eyes probed his, looking for answers to the questions piling up in her mind.
“You’re gonna’ be a-okay, Nan” Buddy said taking her hand.
“How do you know?”
“Bower power sister. We know how to fight and we know how to win,” he replied with a wan smile.
“Heath?” she questioned.
Buddy didn’t answer, the tentative smile leaving his face.
“Tell me.”
“He’s dead, Nan.”
She closed her eyes trying not to cry.
“He was going to let me bleed to death,” Nan began sputtering quietly. “He was going to let me die.” Her voice caught. “He didn’t want to get in trouble.”
She covered her face with her hands as her breath hitched in short bursts. She felt Buddy pull her close.
“Look, you didn’t have a choice. You’re right. You
would
have bled to death. That fucking coward. He got what he deserved,” Buddy spat.
What had she done? She was a murderer. She was going to go to jail. She was going to go to jail for
everything.
And didn’t she deserve it? Her never ending selfishness and stupidity had all led to this. She wasn’t fit to be a mother. She wasn’t fit to be a human being. Images of lying on a steel bunk alone in a cell for the rest of her life flashed through her mind.
“Oh God, what am I going to do?” she wailed against her brother’s leather jacket.
Buddy eased her back against the pillow.
“Nothing,” he said. “You’re coming home with me. It’s over.”
“What do you mean ‘it’s over’? Jesus as soon as somebody finds him…there’s blood everywhere! My blood!”
“Listen to me, and listen to me good,” Buddy said gently, holding her face so that she had no choice but to look at him.
Before he could say more, the man he’d been talking to stepped into the room and cleared his throat. Buddy released her face and turned to look. The stranger was dressed casually underneath a white coat and stethoscope hung from his neck. A doctor, she thought, although the room she was in looked more like a library than a hospital.
“I’m sorry to interrupt,” he said to Buddy. “I’m going to have to stop by the clinic to pick up a few things your sister may need tonight. I’d prefer you stay with her until I get back.”
“Of course,” Buddy replied. “I ain’t goin’ anywhere.”
“Miss Bower,” the doctor said, addressing Nan. “You are very lucky your brother found you when he did. It’s a bald faced miracle you didn’t need a transfusion and it’s a certainty that you would have bled to death within a few hours without help.”
“Who are you?” Nan rasped.
“I’m going to let you and your brother talk. Mr. Bower, I’ll be back shortly,” he replied without answering her question.
“No problem,” her brother said. “Call me Buddy,” he added, standing and giving the doctor’s hand a brisk shake.
“Buddy then,” the man said and left.
Nan closed her eyes.
“Tell me everything,” she said.
Buddy hesitated before he spoke, seeming to measure out just what he thought she needed to know right now, but she urged him.
“
Everything
Buddy.”
“Okay,” he sighed. “Ma called me around lunchtime,” he started. “I could tell right away something was wrong, you know? She wasn’t crying or anything, but her voice was…I don’t know…jittery. She told me you called her.”
Buddy paused and she opened her eyes.
“How did she know it was me?” Nan asked, remembering how carefully silent she’d been on the phone.
“I don’t know,” Buddy replied, clearly puzzled by that as well. “I asked her the same thing since she told me no one answered when she said hello. I figured she was just worried about you and the call pinched her last nerve is all. But it really was you?”
“Yeah,” Nan sighed. She didn’t offer any more details about the call, wanting to block out all memory of the small, depressing room.
“Anyway, she asked me to drive to Portland and see if I could find you. She had your address you know,” Buddy said. “She just pull that out of her hat too?” he asked.
“No. I gave it to her,” Nan replied, relieved that her mother remembered it. Shortly after she and Heath moved into the crooked little house, Nan had shot off a postcard to Elsie. There had been a colored picture of the Portland skyline on one side, and though she’d tried and tried to think of something light and witty to write in the blank space on the back, she had given up and just scribbled:
See you soon. Love, Nan.
She included her return address, but Elsie never wrote back.
“Good,” Buddy replied. “I was starting to think she was a fuckin’ gypsy.”
He gave Nan a lopsided grin, but she could see from his narrow eyes that the humor only reached so far.
“Anyway, I got to Portland okay, but had one hell of a time finding the place. Had to stop twice and ask directions. By the time I found it, it was almost full dark. How’d you end up there Nan? Jesus, what a friggin’ dump.”
“I don’t know,” Nan replied softly. “He promised it would only be for a little while. But honestly? I didn’t push him much on it. I mean hell, I walked out on CJ. Turned my back on my own flesh and blood like he was some piece of trash. Do you think I really deserved anything better?”
Nan’s lip trembled as she pictured her son. Regret and shame washed over her. Buddy took her hand and went on.
“So, I finally find the house, but it looked like no one was home. No lights or anything. The car was in the driveway though, so I knocked. No one answered so I opened the door and called for you. I didn’t want to go in, you know. I wasn’t afraid of trespassing or anything. In fact I hoped that piece of shit would come out swinging and give me a good excuse to kick his ass. But something in my gut told me that shit was really out of whack even before I found you. And
him
,” Buddy spit the word.
“I thought you were dead Nan. Jesus, it felt like a fucking sucker punch, you know? I couldn’t even breathe. Then you finally made a noise and I knew you were alive. Thank God you were alive,” he said, his voice thick.
“I don’t remember much,” Nan replied, her voice shaking. “I remember hearing you yell something and coming over to the bed, but not much after that.”
“Your teeth were chattering. Sounded like that fake set of dentures Arthur had when he was a kid. You know the ones that wound up and jittered around on the table?”
“I remember,” Nan said. It was an unsettling image.
“Heath was on the floor,” Buddy recalled. “I didn’t know he was dead right off, and to tell you the truth, I didn’t give one shit. I didn’t know exactly what had happened to you, but I knew that motherfucker was to blame one way or the other. He’s lucky I didn’t give his head a swift kick for good measure.”
“Oh Christ Buddy. I killed him. I killed a man,” Nan said, alarm edging into her voice. “I’m going to jail, aren’t I? Oh my god…oh my god,” she repeated, nearly drowning in the waves of fear crashing over her.
“No. You are
not
going to jail. Like I said. The only place you’re going is home with me. Listen to me Nan, and listen to me good.” Buddy said, cupping her chin in his hand.
“No one’s gonna know anything. You need to trust me on this. There’s nothing for anyone to find.”
Nan was confused and having difficulty comprehending what Buddy was trying to tell her.
“Did you hear me? There is
nothing
for anyone to find!” he repeated.
“I don’t…I don’t understand,” Nan answered numbly.
Buddy abruptly stepped back from her and pulled a cigarette out of his jacket pocket.