Authors: Paige Farmer
Nan and Buddy took their place at the head table and along with the other guests, cheered the new bride and groom as they entered. A few of the revelers began to clink their glasses with spoons, and Arthur and Laura obliged them with a long, smacking kiss.
Nan looked over at Elsie, observing her mother wave her hands animatedly as she spoke to the elegantly coiffed wives of Joe’s partners. Sitting next to Elsie, CJ watched his grandmother with rapt adoration. She did command a room, Nan gave her mother that much. It was just what she did with the airtime that was irksome.
The waiters began serving dinner and Nan thought if she ate quickly, she might have time to run in and have one more cigarette before the first dance. She wasn’t very hungry anyway and merely moved the creamy Newburgh, boiled red potatoes and green beans with almonds around her plate. After a few minutes of this, Nan excused herself from the table, and walked back toward the house. She debated whether or not she could get away with changing into something less formal and was preoccupied as she entered the living room. A familiar voice startled her.
“Nan? Is that you?”
Nan stopped dead, looking toward the front doorway. Her mouth formed an “o” and she inhaled sharply. It was Charlie. Despite her best intentions, her heart leaped.
“It’s
you
,” she breathed.
“Jesus, it’s been a long time,” Charlie said grinning as he walked toward her. “You look…amazing.”
“You’re here,” Nan stammered, her eyes disbelieving. Charlie stopped a few feet away looking slightly confused by Nan’s reaction. His smile faltered a bit.
“Uh, yes. Yes, I am. I guess you didn’t know I was coming? I…um, Arthur invited me last week. Is that okay? You know…that I’m here?” he asked hesitantly.
“No,” Nan said.
Charlie winced.
“No…no, I mean yes, I did know you were coming. I just…you were gone after the ceremony and I thought…I guess I thought you left.”
And speaking of left, the finger was bare. Nan’s stomach slid a little. Despite her earlier reassurances to Buddy about having everything under control, Nan was undeniably flustered as she stood before Charlie. She wanted so much to hug him but didn’t quite trust herself. Plus she was shaking.
“Okay,” Charlie said slowly. “I’m sorry I’m late. We got into port after midnight and I didn’t have time to pick up a gift before now.”
He held up a bottle of wine with a curled silver ribbon tied around the neck.
“Of course. Please, you don’t need to apologize. Not at all. Welcome,” Nan said and took a hesitant step forward to kiss his cheek.
Standing on her toes, she brushed her lips over his smooth jaw. Like lightening, Nan remembered
everything
. Charlie stood back smiling and looking more relaxed.
“Thank you. It meant a lot that Arthur asked me to come. I’ve only been stationed back here a few weeks and haven’t really had time to look anyone up. How is everyone?”
There were so many answers to that. The surface answer was fine. After all, at this moment, everyone in Nan’s family was. Arthur was starting a new life with Laura. John and Michelle were happy enough. Although Buddy worked all the time and still lived alone, that’s exactly how he preferred it. Her mother was standing on the highest rung of Portsmouth’s social ladder thanks to Joe, and of course the well-timed death of Nan’s father. Finally, there was Nan and CJ, both healthy and safe, if not happy.
“Great, everyone is great,” she replied.
“I’m glad to hear it,” Charlie said. And then with a more serious expression, “So are you sure, I mean, is it okay that I’m here?”
He asked it with such touching sincerity that Nan held her breath and counted to three before responding.
“It is Charlie. It
really
is.”
He looked relieved.
“Good, because I can’t even begin to tell you how happy I am to be home.”
The way Charlie emphasized the word home made it clear to Nan that it meant much more to him than just a place. She let herself helplessly coast on the feeling for a moment before shaking her head in an attempt to untangle her knotted feelings.
“Everyone’s out back,” Nan finally said. “I was just sneaking away for a cigarette.”
She wished she’d come up with something,
anything
else to say, knowing she sounded just like the silly young girl he’d last seen ten years before. But he surprised her.
“Would it be okay if I joined you?” he asked. “I’d rather walk in with you than go in on my own. You know, draw less attention that I’m crashing the reception.”
Nan tried to calculate how long she’d be able to maintain her equilibrium near Charlie. All the things that had kept her up the night before pushed hard against the wall in her mind she tried hiding behind. She concluded not thinking too much would be the most prudent approach. Although her instincts had never been all that worthy of following, standing here in front of Charlie she didn’t believe there was much choice.
“Wait right here while I get my cigarettes,” she said hurrying for the stairs.
Nan flung herself backward on her bed once she reached the safety of her room. What the hell was wrong with her? This was exactly what she’d been afraid of. What
Buddy
had been afraid of. Just hearing about Charlie, much less actually seeing him, had awakened something long dormant in Nan. And now he was here.
But what could she do? Hide upstairs for the rest of her brother’s reception? That would be absurd. The next best thing would have been to keep a safe distance from him, but since they’d already come face to face, that was no longer an option. So now what was the plan? She was going to have to think on that some as nothing bubbled up to the surface right away.
Nan grabbed a cigarette and a book of matches. She took a deep breath at the top of the staircase to steady herself before she began to descend. Charlie was waiting for her at the bottom and Nan was very aware of him watching her. Her stomach did another flip and her hand reflexively clenched the cigarette she held.
“Ready?” Nan asked as she reached the landing.
“Ready,” Charlie replied and fell in step behind her.
Nan led him out the front door to the porch. Turning to face him, she laughed nervously as she tried several times to keep a match alive long enough in the breeze to get her cigarette going. Charlie pulled a lighter out of his pocket, the same Zippo style as Buddy’s.
“Allow me,” he said lighting it for her before lighting his own.
“Thank you,” Nan said, carefully avoiding his eyes.
“Wow,” Charlie started. “That must have really hurt,” he said pointing to the now eggplant colored bruise on her elbow. It stretched halfway down her forearm and looked like one of those keloids she learned about in grade school. The kind you’d get if you couldn’t get under your desk quickly enough after an A-bomb was dropped. Very attractive, Nan appraised silently.
“Yes, I, uh, stumbled earlier at the church.”
“I saw,” Charlie said, looking both sympathetic and bemused. “At least this time you didn’t fall, right?”
Nan didn’t mind the good-natured way he ribbed her about the day at the ledge years before, not at all in the humiliating style of her brothers. Charlie’s eyes crinkled and he reached to move a wisp of Nan’s hair that blew in her eyes. The gesture was both innocent and electric.
“You noticed,” Nan replied, laughing despite her tension. “And where were you
this
time Charlie?”
He chuckled.
“I considered diving over the woman in the floppy purple hat to catch you, but I didn’t think her husband would appreciate it.”
“Well, thank you for thinking of me,” she said giggling.
“Give me another chance, though” he said. “I won’t let you down again. I promise.”
Charlie crossed his heart as he spoke.
“I’ll hold you to that,” Nan teased.
It felt so good to be standing here talking and joking with Charlie like this. It felt so
right
.
“So, the little boy at the church, the one carrying the rings. Is he yours?”
The subject of CJ was far more serious than her clumsiness, but he was her son and she felt it was important that Charlie know about him. Maybe not all of the circumstances just yet, but that he was hers, definitely.
“Yes, that’s CJ,” Nan told him. “He’s almost five. I…I’m divorced.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Oh geez, I mean about the divorce. Not that you have a son.”
Charlie whacked his forehead with his palm.
“It’s okay Charlie. I knew what you meant.”
She really did know. It hadn’t occurred to her at all that her having a child would bother Charlie in the least. He had been a gentle person when they were younger and was always kind to the little kids in the neighborhood. And from his lopsided grin, he didn’t seem the slightest bit disappointed hearing that Nan was single. The elevator in the pit of her stomach lurched down one more floor.
Looking back on this moment, Nan would later realize it had been her first opportunity to end the charade, nipping in the bud any romantic notion of Charlie she might be entertaining. But when all was said and done, it had been one of many chances she’d ultimately squander. The nipping wouldn’t come until later, and then it would resemble more of a slash.
“He looks so much like you. He has your eyes,” Charlie said.
“Thank you,” Nan replied with some surprise. The comparison was rarely made given CJ’s molten red hair in contrast to her own dark brown tresses, but Charlie was right. The green eyes came directly from her.
“So tell me what
you’ve
been up to,” Nan insisted, sincerely wanting to hear how things had been for him. Charlie told her about some of the places he’d seen, like Hawaii and Spain, skimming briefly over his time in Korea. Nan listened quietly, enjoying the sound of his voice as he described the adventures he’d had.
“I’m taking leave in November. They’re letting me finish up my time here in Portsmouth and I’ve been toying with the idea of becoming a cop when I’m done. What do you think of that Nan? Could you picture me as a member of Portsmouth’s finest?” he asked.
“Beep, beep…it’s the fuzz” Nan kidded, punching his arm lightly and resurrecting yet another memory.
“No fair, you’re a girl,” Charlie protested. He made Nan smile.
As obvious as it was, Nan failed to pick up on the irony of his career choice just then. She could only picture Charlie doing something noble and worthy, as if he could ever do anything else.
“Seriously though, I think you’d make one heck of an officer Charlie. You care about people and it shows. You haven’t lost that at all.”
It was hard for Nan to say this, knowing full well the innuendo that could be applied to her words, but she really believed it, so said it anyway. Appreciation for her opinion was evident on Charlie’s face. They stood looking at one another for an extra minute.
“Are you ready to head out back?” Nan stammered, breaking the silence.
She took a final drag of her cigarette and put it out in an ashtray she kept hidden behind one of the love seats.
“Sure,” Charlie said agreeably, stubbing his out as well. “I can’t wait to see everyone. You know, I guess I tried hard not to think about it while I was gone, but I’ve got to say, I really missed you guys.”
“We’ve missed you too Charlie,” Nan said honestly.
I
missed you is what she didn’t say.
Charlie held the door for Nan and then walked beside her through the dining room. He commented on all the changes to the place, and as they entered the living room with its finely appointed décor and spectacular view of the festooned backyard, Charlie whistled slowly.
“Holy smokes, if it wasn’t for the river out there, I wouldn’t believe for a second I was in the same place.”
“I know what you mean,” Nan agreed. “It’s all different.”
They paused at the doorway.
“But still just the same,” Nan heard Charlie say. She looked up at him, surprised by how closely they stood together. Too close. Her hands fumbled around for the knob, and as it turned, Nan unexpectedly stumbled through the open doorway.
“Are you okay?” Charlie asked her, catching her sore elbow.
“Yes,” she yelped. “The door…it sticks sometimes.”
She could hear Etta James soulful voice singing
‘At Last’
from under the tent. Damn, that was Arthur and Laura’s song, which meant they were already in the middle of their dance. Nan hoped that everyone, specifically Buddy, would be too preoccupied to notice Charlie and her arrive together.
“Here, follow me,” Nan said, leading them toward the gathering. Ducking down slightly, she eased them to a vacant spot near the bar where they had a clear view of the dance floor. Nan’s eyes darted around, intent on locating her brother. He was nowhere to be seen. There was no
way
he’d have left already so Nan needed to stay on her toes.
Her mother, another concern of sorts, was still sitting at the table with Joe, watching Arthur and Laura as she absentmindedly stroked CJ’s hair. Nan made a mental promise to herself that at some point during the time Elsie and Joe were gone, it was going to be her tousling CJ’s hair and kissing his cheek.