Nash (28 page)

“He’s different, and I don’t just mean from how he was in high school. He’s nice, funny, and gorgeous, plus

he makes me feel good … like really good. I like being around him and he’s having a really hard time right

now with his dad, so I want to make it easier for him. I think he kind of needs me right now.”

“This is the same guy that made you run to the West Coast, Saint. He hurt you bad enough that you hid

from everyone, ran away from every relationship your whole life. This is a terrible idea.”

I raised a shoulder and let it fall. “I know. I’m trying hard to let it go—the past, I mean. He says it was a

misunderstanding. That he wasn’t talking about me, and I really want to believe him, and the thing with the

party …” I shrugged. “Maybe I read more into that than I should have. Teenage boys are just horn balls. I

don’t think he would’ve ignored me had he known I was going there just for him. He doesn’t even

remember seeing me there.”

She screwed her face up in an ugly scowl. “Of course he said that! How else was he going to get in your

pants if he didn’t tell you that! Use your damn head, Saint. He is not the guy for you. It’s time to get over

that idiotic crush on the ‘bad boy,’ or whatever. Grow up.”

“He’s not like that, Faith. He’s a really nice guy. He cares about his friends, he works almost as hard as I

do, and he’s been really, really great the last few months or so about all the weird hang-ups I have. He

doesn’t care that I get awkward and can’t make words work, he doesn’t cling when I freak out and bail on

him, and he …” I made her look me in the eye so she could see how important this part was. “He makes me

feel normal in bed and out of it.”

“You can do so much better, Saint.”

That made me angry, so I set the mug down and crossed my arms over my chest. “Better by whose

standards? He’s the first guy I ever liked, ever. He’s also the first guy that I want to believe when he tells me

I’m pretty. He’s the first guy I have ever been around that I want to strip naked and tie to a bed. I’ve never

had any of that with anyone else, Faith.”

She snorted and glared at me. “Of course he thinks you’re pretty, you’re goddamn beautiful and anyone

with eyes can see it. But what about before? What about when he didn’t think you were so stunning? Do

you really want to be with a person that shallow? And this sudden about-face … the niceness … what if it’s

all a calculated act to get you to fall for him because he does need you right now? What about when he

doesn’t need to lean on you anymore, Saint? What then?”

I bit my lip because that was the heart of my fear where Nash was concerned. I knew she was just trying

to protect me from more heartache, but her harsh words hit home some serious reservations I had about

this thing Nash and I had growing between us. “He told me he always thought I was pretty. That I was too

smart and too shy for him to think twice about, but that he always thought I was pretty.”

“Whatever, Saint. Even if he didn’t say that nasty stuff about you, he said it about someone, and that

still makes him a royal asshole.”

That was what I struggled with. On the rare night I found myself at his place, that was what prevented

me from staying the night, kept me from openly asking him to stay with me, and really it was what kept me

from fully being able to trust him. I still didn’t feel like I knew who he really was. The Nash I was sleeping

with, the one with the sad purple eyes every time he came from his dad’s house, the one who made me

stretch what I thought I wanted and was comfortable with in bed, I was well on my way to falling back in

love with. But there was this nagging doubt, these poking questions that jabbed under my skin, that there

was still the part of him that could be hateful and cruel, and I just didn’t trust it. I had the unwavering

knowledge that men, even men that I thought could do no wrong like my father, could forsake a

relationship, no matter how great it was, for something they perceived as better. With that floating around in

the back of my mind, I couldn’t allow myself to completely trust him, mostly because I was positive that if

he disappointed me again, let me down, I would never get over it. The first time, when he was just a

fantasy, had been hard enough; now that he was reality, it would kill me if he turned out to be someone I

couldn’t appreciate or respect.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Faith. I’m trying to be careful, I’m not going to take any risk that puts

my heart on the line, but I enjoy being with him. Can we change the subject back to Mom, so I don’t have

to fight with you?”

She didn’t look like she wanted to let it go, but ultimately I was twenty-five, not seventeen, and I had to

live and die by my choices, not anyone else’s.

“She’s putting the house on the market and has already rented a condo in Phoenix. She has a friend

down there who is also recently divorced. I asked her to consider waiting until the baby got here, but she

already has a realtor and movers hired. The house will sell fast.”

“I really think it’ll be for the best.” I honestly did. Being in that house, that town, she couldn’t escape

the memories of Dad and her failed marriage and shattered heart. Maybe in Phoenix she could get a little bit

of herself back.

“You moved all the way back here to help her out, to be closer to her and us. She’s not even thinking

about that, and now, looking at what is happening, I almost wish you had stayed in California.”

She pouted a little and I rolled my eyes at how dramatic she was being.

“You’re still here. The kids are here. I love my job and I love my boss. If I want to go back for my

master’s, I have a bunch of different schools to choose from. I don’t regret coming back to Denver. I’m

happy with my life, Faith.”

I was. I really was, and now with the addition of Nash and the new and exciting way he tended to force

me outside of my comfort zone, I was even starting to appreciate all the new things in it.

“Would you have said that a few months ago? Before him?”

That was a tricky question. I never had any complaints about my life. I was doing what I was meant to

do, what I had always wanted to do, so I was fulfilled, but I don’t know that I was exactly
happy
.

“I’m not sure.” It was as honest as I could be.

“Well, I have to go save Justin from the kids. He has to work tonight.” She sounded put out and

disgruntled.

I walked around the counter and put my arms around her in a hug she stiffly returned.

“Don’t worry about me or Mom. We’ll all be fine.”

She gave me a sad smile and headed toward the door. “I wish I could believe that. I’ve seen what

broken hearts do to the women in this family, and it never ends well.”

She had a point, so I just stared at the door after it shut behind her.

I had the day off and didn’t really know what to do with myself. Lately, when I wasn’t working I was

with Nash. Before, when I had a day off I would spend it reading, or just puttering around the house, or

with Faith and the kids. How boring was that? I had no social circle, no place to be, or anyone missing me.

Maybe Sunny was right and I was just starting to see what living life fully meant.

I got dressed and decided instead of staying at my apartment and brooding, I was going to go shopping

and find something cute and sassy to wear to the bar tonight so that when I met all of Nash’s crew I would

feel confident and as comfortable as I could be. I wasn’t going to let my insecurity and nervousness ruin

what could be an enjoyable night out even though I knew I was going to be on the spot. His friends wanted

to meet me because we were spending so much time together lately, and I knew that it was unusual for him

to be interested in the same girl for so long. I just hoped their reaction was different from Faith’s. I didn’t

want them to tell him he could do better, because a secret part of me wanted to be the best thing that ever

happened to him.

“It doesn’t bother you?” I was a little drunk, possibly sloppy, and talking way more than I normally did.

Someone was passing around tequila shots, and to calm my nerves I may have had more than I meant to.

Shaw was really sweet and really pretty. She had made a beautiful bride, but up close and personal, the

softness and sweetness that shined out of her was hard not to just melt into. She was also pre-med and

really close to getting her undergrad, so she had about a million and one questions about what it was like

working in an ER, which meant I got to talk about my favorite thing, my job. I could do that with or

without the tequila.

She shook her head and gave a sardonic little grin. “If I got mad every time a girl hit on him—or tried to

pick him up—or gave him sex eyes, I wouldn’t have time to feel anything else. It just comes with being

with a guy like him.”

Rule and Nash had gone off to play a game of pool at the back of the bar with my other tablemate’s

husband, the rocker, as well as a blond guy with really big hair and a big tattoo of an anchor on the side of

his neck. Ayden was probably the most beautiful woman I had ever seen up close and personal. Her eyes

were spectacular, and even though I found her intimidating and slightly cool, her drawl was charming and

her sharp wit was infectious, so despite my inherent hesitation and irritation that Nash had left me alone on

purpose to get grilled by the girls, I was doing all right carrying on a conversation with both of them.

“But they are being so obvious.”

I was talking about the group of college-aged girls that had gathered in a loose huddle around where the

guys were playing the game. A collective sigh went up when Jet, Ayden’s husband, bent over the table to

take a shot. I mean there wasn’t much he could hide in those tight pants he had on, but still, if that was my

other half, my skin would be crawling. It already was and I didn’t even know what Nash was to me. I mean

I was starting to figure it out, but I wasn’t brave enough or secure enough in myself or him to give it a

name.

Ayden laughed a little and licked the salt off the back of her hand that had been left over from the last

round of shots.

“They always are. You just have to know that even though the girls are looking, the guys never look

back. You can’t be with someone and not trust them completely. It will never work out.”

Considering Jet was not only gorgeous but also in a band and on the road a lot, I guess that meant she

really, really trusted him.

I made a face and blurted out with tequila-scented courage, “But I remember all of them in high school.

They slept with everything that moved. How can you know that they are any different now?”

I blinked in shock because that wasn’t appropriate or something I would normally ever say. I felt a flush

fill my face, but Shaw reached out a small hand and put it on my arm. I wanted to crawl under the table and

hide.

“I was a few years behind you in school, Saint, so I know. I know what Rule was like, I remember very

clearly how bad they all were. People change. Time makes us grow. Life happens, good and bad, and it’s

the person you love, the man inside you can’t live without, not the sum of what he did or didn’t do when

he was younger and still figuring life out.”

Ayden picked up her beer and nodded solemnly. “I spent years and years trying to bury a past that is

really ugly, that I thought in turn made me really ugly. Who I am now is not that person, but I wouldn’t exist

without those experiences.”

I bit my bottom lip. It was tangy from lime and booze. A tight breath shuddered out of my lungs and I

let my gaze dance from one of them to the other. They were lovely young women. Strong enough to deal

with the attention their men garnered, kind enough to welcome me into the fold with no judgment because

they wanted Nash to be happy. I just didn’t know that I could ever be as clear on the past versus the present

as they seemed to be.

I propped my elbow on the table and put my chin on my hand.

“I was fat.”

They both blinked at me and then shared a look. Ayden’s light twang asked, “So?”

“It made me shy and awkward, something I never outgrew. I got picked on a lot in school. People were

mean, it hurt, and now even though I’m not that girl on the outside, I am still totally her on the inside, and it

makes me act like a weirdo.”

Shaw pushed her long hair back over her shoulder and looked at me questioningly. “What does that

have to do with Nash?”

I waved a hand sloppily in the air in front of me. “You trust Rule, Ayden trusts Jet … but to me, why

should I trust anyone when there are girls like that throwing themselves at him? Boys like pretty girls that

are no work.” I said it like I was an authority on the matter.

They shared another look and Shaw told me point-blank, “Nash isn’t like that. First of all he is the least

judgmental guy in the world, and second he has never, and I mean
never,
spent as much time with any