Authors: Jay Crownover
“I know I’m the last person you want to hear from now, but the faster you can get here the better. And
I’m a cop, how do you think I got your number?”
She was talking fast and an uneasy shiver slid down my spine.
“What’s going on?”
She sighed. “You were a real bitch, you know that? I don’t typically tell people about my circumstances,
about the deal with my mom and the stockbroker, but I thought since you were touchy about being judged,
you would get it. That was really mean what you said to me.”
Hello, life lesson right in my face. I had practically called her a whore, told her she was no better than
her mother. I didn’t really mean it, didn’t know her well enough to make that kind of judgment call. I had
just been spouting off like a stupid idiot because I was hurt and mad. Any lingering remains of trying to use
what Nash had said in the past against him turned to ash. I couldn’t blame him anymore when I was guilty
of doing the exact same thing. Luckily, unlike I had been, Royal seemed willing to accept an apology.
“I know. I’m sorry. That was a hard scene to walk in on. I jumped to conclusions without listening to
explanations.”
“Well, it did look bad. I made a bunch of extra keys and now half of Denver is on call to let me in my
apartment should I lock myself out again, but anyway, you need to get your cute little butt back here. Phil
took a drastic turn for the worse. The mouthy little blonde with the baby was getting a bunch of stuff for
Nash since he hasn’t left Phil’s bedside since you left. It doesn’t look very good. You don’t want your man
to have to go through that alone. He needs you.”
I think what I was supposed to take away from this entire nightmare was not to pay attention to what
words were said no matter how ugly, or to what I was seeing no matter how bad it looked. I had to have
faith in the people involved—myself included. Mistakes were going to be made; that didn’t mean I had to
forsake my life and my happiness because of them, not when Nash had shown me time and time again he
was worth working through the pain and confusion for.
“I won’t be back in Denver until late tonight.”
She made a noise in her throat. “I hope Nash’s dad lasts that long.”
I did, too. “Thank you for letting me know.”
“I told you I wanted us to be friends.”
“I think I’m finally ready to believe you. I’m a neurotic weirdo, though. I don’t know how great a
friend that will make me.”
She laughed a little even though she still sounded kind of sad. “We all have things, Saint. Things we
struggle with, things that make it hard for us to see ourselves how others view us. Sharing those things is
the only way to get past them.”
I didn’t tell her that I had just recently figured that out. If I didn’t get back to Denver in time, that was
just one more
thing
I was going to have to overcome. I would never forgive myself if Nash had to face Phil
passing away without me. Sure, he had a multitude of friends, people that loved him unconditionally, to
help him handle his grief, but like Royal said, he needed
me
. No one else would do, and that’s how I knew
loving him back, giving him all he gave me wasn’t going to be a problem because I needed
him
and only
him in the exact same way.
Royal was overly apologetic when I came back in the apartment. I waved her off and went to get
dressed. Like I said, I knew this shit didn’t look good, but it kicked me in the balls that Saint wouldn’t take
a breath, talk to me about it. She just automatically assumed the worst of the situation and of me, and that
just sucked. I really did love her, wanted this to be a real thing, a thing I was going to have to hold on to
while everything else in my life spiraled out of control. Her taking that away broke my heart, but more than
anything, it made me choke on disappointment.
I got dressed, waited for the locksmith to come and let my neighbor back in her apartment—again—and
headed back over to Phil’s. It was like his life was grains of sand in an hourglass and the sand was
suddenly flowing much more rapidly, and I could see it. So on top of feeling like Saint had leveled me, I
felt like Phil was leaving me hanging as well. I knew it wasn’t rational, but it was how I felt all the same.
While I sat at his bedside I struggled with the need to text her, to try and throw explanation after
explanation on her, to beg her for a shot and not to give up on what we were building, to tell her how much
I needed her, that I couldn’t do this, watch Phil fade away without her. I refrained. I couldn’t do it. I loved
her, but I loved me, too, and I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t appreciate that because they didn’t
appreciate themself. It hurt, but it was as real as I could see things.
A couple of days after the big scene, I was surprised when she reached out with her simple message. I
didn’t know what she was sorry for. Maybe for ripping my heart to shreds by dismissing my feelings, for
jumping to conclusions, for running away from me for the second time in our history without letting me
explain, for not believing in me, in us—for all of it? I didn’t know what to say back to her and Phil was
starting to slip in and out of lucidity, so I didn’t want to dedicate any time to trying to mend that particular
fence. Not when she had yanked it out by the posts.
One minute Phil knew he was in Denver and who I was, the next he was back in the navy, or on the
East Coast reliving his wild party days. I tried to keep him comfortable, had nurses at his place almost
around the clock, but the cancer was obviously progressing, moving into his most vital organs. Time was
slipping away. I hadn’t been at work all week, luckily I had not only the best friends, but the best
coworkers in the world and they were carrying on and picking up the slack I left behind. I knew they were
all worried about me, sad about what was happening with Phil, but right now we needed this time between
the two of us and I think they all respected that.
I was sitting in the trusty recliner staring at
SportsCenter
mindlessly when Phil reached a shaky hand
out and put it on my arm. I muted the TV and looked down at him. His eyes—my eyes—were rheumy and
tinted with a hint of yellow, but they were locked on me intently.
“Do something for me, son.”
I felt my breath shudder and my lungs clamped closed painfully. This was the hardest thing I had ever
had to go through in my life, including when I had put one of my closest friends in the ground way too
young.
“Sure, Phil. Anything you need me to do.”
His fingers curled into the muscle of my arm and I saw him struggle to smile at me behind his oxygen
mask.
“I had a good life, ya know?” He moved his head in what I think was supposed to be a nod. “I traveled
the world, saw amazing things. I started a successful business on my own terms and never had to answer to
a boss. I fell in and out of love a hundred times. I helped make a wonderful group of kids their own family,
and I had you. I have zero regrets and it is my greatest hope you live your life the same way.”
He sounded winded. I could hear how hard it was for him to get the words out. I blew out a breath and
forced a smile.
“Well, I’ve only been in love once, and it didn’t work out so great, but the rest I can sure try my hardest
to live up to.”
“The nurse?”
“The nurse,” I confirmed.
“Don’t give up just yet, Nash. If she matters, if you want her for yours, don’t give up.”
“What if she gave up on me?”
“Then you love her hard enough that she can’t help but come around. Part of me always wonders if I
gave up too easy on your mom.”
Ugh. She was the last person I wanted in this room. My mom had no place here.
“Maybe. That’s what you want me to do, live life with no regret?”
His eyes drifted closed and his grip loosened on my arm. My heart started thudding. Every time his eyes
closed, I wondered if they would ever open again.
“I want you to call me Dad. I never got that, never was brave enough to ask, but I want you to think of
me as your dad. That’s all I want.”
Fuck me. I couldn’t think, couldn’t get my heart rate under control. I needed a carton of cigarettes and a
handle of cheap tequila to get through this. I wanted to get up and go outside for a few minutes and pull my
shit together, but that wasn’t time I would get back with him.
“Phil … Dad. Jesus, you were the one that raised me. All Mom and that asshole did was try and beat me
down, try and shove me in a box that was too small. You’re the only parent I’ve ever known, and it doesn’t
matter what I called you.”
“But ‘Dad’ sounds nice. It was the only thing I ever really wanted from you.”
His choppy breathing evened out some and I noticed his mouth go a little slack under his mask. His
chest was still rising and falling, so I assumed he’d just drifted off, and flopped back in the chair. This was
brutal. I didn’t know how I was going to come out on the other side of it not fundamentally changed.
I got up and went to the kitchen to see if I could find a beer or something stronger. I was leaning on the
counter, had my head hung down, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to cry or break everything I could get my hands
on. This was too much emotion, too many feelings for one person to try and work through. They were
getting all tangled up, too engulfing, and I felt like I was going to suffocate on all of them.
I don’t know how long I stood like that, how long I just had to tell myself to keep breathing. At some
point there was a knock on the door, and I realized it was really late and I had been zoned out for a long
time.
It was around midnight, no one should be here, but my friends didn’t really play by common rules and
Rule had a sixth sense when stuff was going down with me, so I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he was
doing a spot check. I rolled my neck around on stiff shoulders until there was a nasty-sounding crack and
wandered over to the front door. I pulled it open without a second thought and almost fell on my ass when
a soft body launched into mine as soon as there was enough room for her to fit through.
My arms closed reflexively around her tiny waist as hers went up around my neck. She buried her nose
in my throat and her endless waves of red hair curled all around my arms and hands. I felt moisture on her
face as she rubbed her cheek against the edge of my rough jaw. She didn’t say anything, just held me tight
and cried, for me, for her, for us, and I just stood there dumbfounded and unsure. I knew one thing: if she
tried to walk away again I wasn’t going to just let her go. I would love her too hard, hold on too tight …
just like Phil said.
“Saint?”
Her arms squeezed even tighter around my neck and she pulled back so we were eye to eye. That gray
was glittering silver and clear through the sheen of tears. She was the prettiest and most welcome thing I
had ever seen.
“Nash, oh my God …” She bit her lip and grabbed my face. “I’m so sorry.”
I lifted an eyebrow and reached up to circle my fingers around her delicate wrists.
“I know, I got your text. I just don’t know what you’re sorry for.”
She blinked at me and I saw her struggle to put her thoughts in line. She was cute when she was
awkward.
“Mostly I’m sorry for not having faith in you, and in myself. I really do love myself, Nash. I think it
took looking at a life lived alone and in fear to realize that. I think maybe you kicked the door open and I
couldn’t hide from it anymore. I have a lot to offer and I totally deserve the best kind of love. I deserve
your love.”
All those pieces of my heart that I thought she took with her, she reached in and put back in a better,
more resilient way.
“You deserve anything and everything you ever wanted, Saint.”
She smiled at me but it was shy and kind of nervous. “The thing I’ve wanted the longest besides getting
to be a nurse … is you. I am so fucking in love with you right back, Nash Donovan.”
I scooped her up in a rib-crushing hug that made her squeak. I kissed her so hard that I’m surprised it
didn’t hurt one of us. When I put her down I dragged her inside the house and shut the door.
“What are you doing here, though?” I didn’t know why she was at my dad’s so late. Not that I wasn’t
relieved to see her. Just by being her, she made some of the stuff I was drowning in feel less oppressive.
“I went to Phoenix to see my mom. I was hurt and acting like a panicked schoolgirl. I wasn’t thinking,
wasn’t listening, and I thought the space would help. We had a heart-to-heart, Mom and me, and I realized
that I can’t keep looking at myself through any eyes but my own. We all make mistakes, say hurtful things
off the cuff, but that doesn’t define who we are. I was coming home when Royal called me. She ran into
Cora and heard Phil wasn’t doing very well. I broke every speed limit that exists between New Mexico and
here. I would never have forgiven myself if you had to do this alone.”