Nerd Girl (49 page)

After adding some nonfat milk and a blue sweetener to my coffee, I made my way over to Catherine. We both said our polite hellos and I seated myself across from her. My back was straight and I met her gaze straight on. I wanted to look in her eyes and show her that they hadn’t broken me.

Talk about awkward situations
… What in the world does one say to the ex-fiancé of the man you were in love with, who took him away from you after revealing she had a life-threatening illness, after you took him away from her first? It was all borderline tragic romance fiction. Thankfully, she was prepared and I didn’t have to say much to start the conversation.

“Thanks for coming, Julia. I know it’s asking a lot of you, after everything that’s happened.” Unlike the guarded expression on my face, Catherine met my gaze with a sincere look of gratitude. She looked tired this morning, and thin, even under her bulky wool sweater. Maybe it was the new haircut.

I didn’t know what to really say in response, so instead of degrading the conversation with polite talk about the weather or some other insincere comment, I said, “How are
you
doing, Catherine?” I made my tone and word emphasis perfectly clear so she knew that I wasn’t talking about how her morning was going. I wanted to know how sick she was and how she was holding up.

Before Catherine answered, she took a deep breath. “Some days are better than others. But I’m not going to sugarcoat it. It’s been rough. In the last six weeks, I’ve had to come to term with my diagnosis. I’ve had two surgeries, countless appointments, a heap of scans and screenings, a wicked stomach virus, and I finally start chemotherapy on Tuesday.”

I swallowed hard after her description of her last month.
Shit.
No matter how hard it had been for me during this same period, I knew it didn’t compare to the frightening series of events that Catherine had gone through, and had yet to go through.

“I’m so sorry, Catherine. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been for you.” I meant every word I said.

Catherine shrugged her shoulders. Her face turned grim. “I don’t know if you’ve talked to anyone from the team, but I’m on a leave of absence right now so I’m able to focus on my health. My doctors say that my odds of making it are
… good. However, they also say when everything is all said and done; I’ll have been through hell and back.” She paused and her brows furrowed. “Ryan has been with me every step of the way.”

And there it is. The elephant makes his presence known.

I nodded. “I’m glad,” I said honestly. “He loves and cares for you so much. Of course he’s there for you.” I paused at the irony of my statement. Knowing what Catherine was going through, I was sincerely happy that she had Ryan to support her, even at my own expense, even if it meant that I wouldn’t have his love. I’m glad he had been there for her.

“Yes, I know. Ryan loves me
… But he’s
in love
with you.”

My breath hitched and my mouth dropped open. She didn’t appear upset, angry, or bitter. The edges of her mouth lifted into an encouraging smile. I was confused.

Seeing my baffled expression, Catherine explained further. “After Ryan saw you last weekend, he was a mess. He tried to hide it from me and put on a brave face and all, but I could see right through it. Seeing you really got to him. He wasn’t himself after that and we ended up having a really long and good talk.”

Catherine paused and took a deep breath before continuing. “I know what I did was wrong. When I found out about the cancer, I was scared to death. I was already falling apart because of losing Ryan, and please don’t feel bad about that now, but with everything that was happening, my emotions just spiraled down in a really bad way. I panicked. I was in a really dark place, Julia. I grabbed onto my life raft, and that’s Ryan.” Looking shameful, she added, “I knew if I asked him, he would do it, too.” She looked at me with eyes full of regret. “It was horribly selfish of me. I’ve known him since I was a little girl. I knew exactly what buttons to push. He’s always felt a sense of obligation to me because of Daniel’s death. His whole life, Ryan’s tried to play substitute for brother, friend, boyfriend, and now caregiver. He’s always felt like he owed me something and I let him.”

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I thought about speaking, but figured it would be better if she just got everything off her chest.

Her eyes brimmed over with tears and she wiped them a way in haste. “I’m not proud of what I did, but God, Julia, I needed him. I was so scared and asking him to break up with you was an act of desperation and fear of going through this alone. I took advantage of him. I know Ryan’s not the type of person to put himself first. You know he’s loyal to a fault. I have no family other than Ryan and
his
family to turn to. I’m so sorry, Julia, for what this did to the both of you. I wouldn’t blame God if he chose to take my life away for this, because it was an awful thing to do to someone you love.” She looked away in disgust.

I was floored by her confession and doubly horrified by how guilty she felt. “Catherine, don’t say stuff like that,” I said quietly. I knew she knew that I was referring to her comment about God punishing her.

“You know, he didn’t share with me that he had come to see you yesterday. But I wasn’t surprised. I knew he was going to fight for you,” she said with confidence and without any bitterness. “I’m surprised he didn’t do it earlier, frankly.”

“I told him it was too late,” I admitted softly, resigned to my decision.

“Why?” she asked gently. “You still love him, don’t you?”

“Because he needed your approval to do it.” My reply was bitter; I couldn’t help how I sounded.

“Oh, no, wait. He doesn’t know I’m here.”

“Well, that makes things so much better.” I couldn’t help being sarcastic. “You guys really need to crosscheck your notes.”

“Hold up, Julia. Don’t jump to anymore conclusions. He told me this week that he tried calling you a couple of times, but that you never returned his calls. He was afraid you had moved on and that you could never forgive him for what he had done. I didn’t know he went to go see you the other day until you told me. I’m here because I needed to talk to you of my own accord, for my part in this mess, not for his.”

I raised an eyebrow at her, not completely convinced but encouraging her to tell her side of the story.

“When we had our long talk the other night, he basically told me how it was going to be. He said what I did was wrong. I knew it just the same, but he called me on it. Now that I’ve come to terms with my treatment, I’m emotionally and mentally in a better place. I think that’s why Ryan finally shared his true feelings with me.
He
made the decision to get you back, regardless of what I thought or said. I had nothing to do with that decision. Fortunately we were on the same page.”

I exhaled a deep breath. They both had come to the same conclusion on their own—that they had wronged me.
Okay, great. What was I supposed to do with that?
The harm’s already been done.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Catherine. If Ryan doesn’t know you’re here with me this morning, what is it that you want to get out of this—to apologize to me? Wouldn’t it be easier for you to just let things go?”

She looked out the window, but didn’t appear to be really looking at anything in particular. I could tell she was weighing her words before speaking. “I start chemo in a few days. This will be the first of six treatments. I’m going to lose my hair, which is why I’ve got this new hairdo.” She tried to smile. “Practice. And no, I love your new ‘do, but I wasn’t trying to copy you,” she added knowingly.

She caught me, and boy did I feel like a schmuck for thinking so highly of myself. Of course, I should’ve guessed she’d cut her hair to make it easier on her when she started to lose it.

“When I do this, I want it under my terms and with a fighter’s stance. I need to be at my best, with no regrets and nothing to hinder my fighting spirit.” She met my eyes with tears brimming and then said with painful conviction, “I am heartbreakingly jealous of you, Julia, because you have Ryan’s love. Even if I have Ryan by my side, I’ll never have his heart. I know what I did to you and Ryan was wrong. I live with the guilt every day. He thinks I didn’t notice, but his pain became abundantly clear, especially after seeing you last weekend.” She paused to let her words sink in.

My heart clenched in reaction.
She’s preparing to fight. Ryan loves me.
I didn’t know where to focus, so I focused on what was in front of
Me:
Catherine.

“Don’t be so proud, Julia. People make mistakes, but it doesn’t have to be a life sentence. Life is so short and precious and you need to be with the ones you love.” Her voice cracked and her tears fell freely down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Julia. I’m asking for both Ryan and your forgiveness. I need it so that I can go attack this cancer with every positive feeling I have in me. And if you can forgive me, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive Ryan, too.”

My own eyes brimmed with tears. I squeezed the hand that was holding mine and we wept together. I cried for both of our broken hearts, for the loss of love and what that did to your spirit. I cried over the cleansing power of forgiveness. I cried because I could feel my heart opening the door again for Ryan and that terrified me. But most of all, I cried for Catherine’s beautiful courage and fighting spirit.

The idea sounded good at the time, but now I was trying to figure out what the hell I had been thinking. Catherine had asked me to attend Ryan’s birthday party with her tonight. The party was being held in a private room at the Palisades, a lovely upscale restaurant located next door to the marina where Ryan’s boat was moored. I was her surprise birthday gift to him. She was picking me up in ten minutes.

After coffee with Catherine this morning, I went shopping for something appropriate to wear and had found the most perfect little black dress on the clearance rack. That’s the great thing about black dresses—they seemed appropriate for most every occasion. This dress was sleeveless with a crossover neckline, shirred waist, and a Grecian-inspired skirt. It stopped just above my knees, giving me ample swing and sway when I walked. It was both classic and feminine. I put on my one pair of very expensive designer Jimmy Choo black heels and looked in the mirror. My eyes were shining and my face had a healthy flush from nervous excitement. With renewed hope and anticipation for the evening, I took one last look at myself, nodded with approval, and took a cleansing breath.
This is it, Jules.

My stomach churned with anxiety about seeing Ryan. Our little surprise reunion would be taking place in a public setting, in front of Ryan’s family and all of his closest friends. Catherine was adamant that he wanted this as much as I did, but I hadn’t spoken to him since I’d kicked him out of my condo. What if he changed his mind? I realized now that the decision to come tonight was done in haste. I should’ve thought through what Ryan’s potential reaction would be. I wondered if it was too late to back out. My doorbell chose that moment to buzz and there was no more time to dwell.

The ride to the restaurant took only ten minutes. Catherine pulled up to the front entrance, handed the valet her keys, and another attendant opened my passenger side door.

Sensing my anxiety, Catherine hooked one of her arms into mine. She looked elegant in an emerald green sweater dress that fit her curves. The neckline of the dress fell into a cowl neck. It complemented her green eyes and short blond hair. She bumped her hip against mine. “You’ll be fine. He’ll be so happy to see you,” she reassured me.

“I’m not so sure,” I said with unease.

“So, he really doesn’t know I’m coming tonight?” I asked as we handed over our coats to the hostess.

“Nope,” she confirmed with a wink. Catherine focused her attention back on to the hostess. “We’re here for the Ryan McGraw private party.”

As we followed the hostess through the restaurant, my panic returned. I took a deep breath in an effort to calm myself down. “I’m really having second thoughts about this, Catherine. I’m crashing Ryan’s birthday party. I could ruin this night for him.”

Catherine stopped mid-way to the private room and turned to face me like a parent giving her child a pep talk. She held each of my hands in her own and said with self-assuredness, “Listen, Julia. Remember that he loves you. You are everything to him.” She gave me an encouraging, hopeful smile. “There’s a roomful of people in there that mean something to him, but there’s no one that he would rather be with tonight than you.” She studied me for a moment to ensure that I had relaxed; she looked for a clue that what she’d just said had resonated with me. “Okay?”

I took a deep breath and nodded in affirmation. She held my hand as we both walked to the entry of the private dining room.

When the hostess opened one of the double doors, several faces turned in our direction. Dinner had not yet started. About thirty people stood around in groups, mingling and drinking cocktails.

I spotted Ryan immediately. He was in the middle of a conversation. Maybe he saw the door open in his peripheral vision or he sensed he was being watched, but he looked up and our eyes met. With the exception of his eyes, his body stilled; he blinked several times, like he was seeing an apparition. His confusion was visible by the crease that formed between his eyebrows.