Never Been Loved (35 page)

“I don’t fraking care that you had a reason. You didn’t have to shout at me, and I won’t let you do it again.”

My chest aches and I rub my pecs, trying to get the pain to go away. She sounds unbelievably hurt, and it’s all my fault.

If she lets you back into her life after this, you better make sure she never regrets the decision.

I exhale and dive in. “No one’s ever taken care of us.”

Sera’s quiet, but I just keep talking anyway.

“No one’s ever gotten us anything as a gift, baby. You’re the first. And I was so fucking mad that you did it, like it was charity- Like you felt sorry for us. I thought you noticed the clothes I have to buy Matty since my salary isn’t what I’ve come from. I try my best, you have to believe me. I do the best I can by him, and sometimes it’s not enough.

“His jeans and shoes and shirts aren’t custom made. I can’t afford to spend money on brands and shit because we have to eat, and my car constantly has fucking problems with it, and I-” My voice cracks, like I’m a stupid teenager again. “I started taking it out on you, like you were shoving it in my face, that I wasn’t good enough.”

Keep going. Don’t forget the begging for right after you’re done.

“I’m a fucking asshole, Sera. I tried to stay away from you, to keep you away from the hell my life is, what it’s become. You need a man who can take care of you, who can afford to let you stay at home with a house full of kids and you can do whatever you want. A man who can buy you all the nerdy shirts the internet has to offer. I’m so tired of my life.”

Sera whimpers on the other side of the phone and it feels like my guts are being ripped from my body. I’ve caused her pain and now I’m in agony. I rub a hand over my hair, and stare straight ahead while guys move around to do work around me.

Fuck that, this is important, and I could use the break.

“I’m such a tool. Are you crying because of me? I’m sorry, Sera, Christ, I’m sorry. I won’t call you again.”

It’s better this way.

Better for everyone.

Except the kid’s going to be heartbroken and he’ll start crying once I break the truth to him. That’s fine, though, ’cause I have a feeling we can both be miserable together.

Misery does love company, the fucker.

Chapter 26

I’m at the kitchen sink, washing the shit off my hands, trying to figure out how to tell Matty that I’m a fuck-up and I ruined the one good thing he has in his life.

I don’t want to do it, and it’d be the best thing if I could just forget to mention it until he asks, but I’m tired of being a coward.

That is, until Sera comes barrelling into my place, and I feel like she’s got my balls in her hands and I’m begging with my mute mouth for her not to tear them off me.

“I need to talk to you,” she orders, pointing at me with enough authority that I’m afraid of what’s going to happen next. “In your room. Now.”

Once in my bedroom, I’m ordered to sit on my mattress and look up at her.

Her hair’s down, and the top button on her blouse is undone, giving me a peek, but I need to fucking
focus
or else I’m going to ruin this again. Her glasses haven’t slipped down her nose yet, and her chin is set in a stubborn line.

I’m in for it.

And I find it so fucking sexy I’m definitely having trouble concentrating. Until I get to her eyes, until I see how much I’ve hurt her.

You’re such an asshole
.

Sera surprises me when she crawls into my lap and starts hugging me tight and hard against her body. My dick’s all ready to go.

“You’re a jerk, Hunt. Frak, you’re a jerk. Why did you have to yell at me? You could’ve just told me what was on your mind, and I would’ve been okay with it,” she tells me, breathing in my ear.

Down, Junior. Now’s not the time.

I get my arms around her slowly, giving her enough time to scamper off me without hurting my feelings. Yeah the fuck right, everything she does has me twisted in knots, trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

I know what’s going on.

Winning Sera’s trust is like winning the gold, while I’m eighth place on a good day when my sugars don’t mess with me.

I’m probably going to go blind one day; I might even lose a leg. My diabetes is slowly killing me and I’m not helping myself by not controlling my sugars. There’s still a part of me that doesn’t want Sera involved with both the kid and me.

We’re not good for her.

She needs someone so much better than I can offer, and that’s the truth.

Doesn’t mean I have to swallow it and lie there like I’m already fucking dead.

“Just don’t give up on me.” I squeeze her against me, trying to tell her how much I want and need her without screwing it up again. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. You didn’t deserve that. I told you I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to treat you right.”

“Yes, you do. Couples get into arguments, some even nasty ones. My trigger is people yelling at me, I shut down when others do. I’ve been yelled at all my life. I can’t take it. And you, you Hunter, think you always have to do everything by yourself, and no matter what, it’ll never be good enough. That was never my intention. I just wanted to give Matty a gift. Doesn’t mean we can’t make it work.”

Christ, I love you, Sera.
“You deserve-”

“Yeah. Yeah, I deserve a man who can give me whatever I want. Well, I want a man to build me bookshelves. Can you do that?”

“Yes.” I’ll build that shit with my bare hands. I’ll cut down the perfect tree for it, too.

“I want a man who can watch movies with me and won’t tell me to shut up when I get too excited, or end up crying. Can you do that?”

I nod, and she plants her hands on my face (no more cast, thank Christ), her green eyes pulling me under.

She’s actually forgiving me. She’s forgiving me for all the pain I’ve put her through. That pain in my chest takes a hike, but I keep still, just in case she’s going to leave me again. For Sera, there’s always gonna be a better, stronger, healthier option out there.

“I want a man who comments on my nerdy shirts and allows me to give his kid a bit of nerd-flair. Can you do that?”

Fuck yeah, I can.
I nod again.

“I want a man who will kiss me every morning because he knows how fraking lucky he is to have me. Can you do that?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely.”

She keeps looking at me, like maybe for her, I might be the only option. That makes me the luckiest man in the whole damn world.

“I want a man who accepts my help when he needs it and even when he doesn’t. I want a man who knows that I’m never going to make fun of him or think less of him because of what his life has made him into. Can you do that?”

You’re killing me, Sera.
“I’ll try.”

She smiles, and I move in closer to get a taste of her.

“Can I kiss you now?” I ask.

“You can kiss me anytime you want.”

I love her little gasp when I don’t get my mouth on hers right away, the way I hold it there over her lips like that’s as close as we’re gonna get. My eyes practically roll back in my head when she puts her hands on my head, running her fingers through my hair, and crushes herself against me, planting those tits against my chest.

I’ve died and landed in paradise.

We get our mouths working on each other’s, and Christ, the taste of her, the smell of her like sugar and vanilla, her body on me, I go mental. My tongue’s in her mouth, her tongue’s now in mine, and it’s lazy and driving me nuts.

My dick starts throbbing and there’s nothing more I want to do than get this skirt off her and sink into her, watch her face when she comes apart, listen to her say my name.

I’m struggling to relax. I push her too far and that’s it.

I set her back, my fingers digging into her hips. I’m panting, but shit, her taste is all I have in my mouth, and when I open my eyes, Sera’s cheeks are glowing with pink, and she’s chewing her bottom lip.

We’re on the bed already. No time like the present.

The kid, dickweed. The kid.

Right.

“Thank you for buying Matty that t-shirt. You didn’t have to do that.”

She kisses me again, doing amazing things to my bottom lip, and, goddamn it, I’m going to need a cold shower, but who the hell cares? I’ve got a goddess in my lap, and one day soon, we’re going to fuck without worrying about Matty bursting in.

When she pulls back, she gives me a sly grin, and says, “You’re welcome. Now, what have you got to eat? I’m starved.”

I let her move off of me, wondering what she’s gonna do when gets a peek of Junior saluting through my jeans. I keep her still ’cause what I have to say next is important, even though I’m worse for wear.

“I’m wondering if you’re getting that I’m fucked up.”

“Well, I’m fucked up, too. No one is completely normal a hundred percent of the time. We’re all struggling to find a little slice of happiness.”

“I don’t want a slice of happiness. I think I deserve the whole fucking cake.”

“If you deserve the cake, then I deserve a Reese’s peanut butter cup one, with chunks of Reese’s pieces on top of it. Yeah. I mean, what’s better than peanut butter and chocolate? Lemme guess, uh,
nothing
.”

Sera makes me laugh. She’s magic.

“I want you warned. And once you’re warned, if you continue to stay with me, then I’m not letting you go.
You and I are opposites.”

“You’re beautiful and I’m not.”

What the fuck, NO! I never said that. Who the hell told her that?

“Underneath what you think is dark and ugly is a light that shines so bright, you might just chase the shadows in me away.”
Smooth one, motherfucker. Absolutely smooth. Hope she doesn’t call out the cheese.

I meant every word, and I’m not one for prettying up what I have to say – it just came out. But it looks like I nailed it, because Sera uses my mouth again with hers, and holds out her hand when she pulls away, moving us towards the kitchen.

You’ve got her to concede a point this round, MacLaine. Now all you gotta do is somehow keep her.

I’ve got the kind of bone-exhaustion that makes me wonder how I’m moving. Another two weeks have gone by since I went ape-shit over Matty’s new shirt. All has been forgiven, but I haven’t forgotten. Today was a shitty day.

My sugars were out of whack and I was too tired to go work out to burn some of them off. What’s worse, I’m craving chocolate and knowing it’ll make me sick just ups the ante on my irritation.

I feel bad that I’ve been shit for company once Sera came in and had dinner with us, but she didn’t make me feel like I had to front a good mood just for her and the kid. She gave me a smile anyway, like it’s an A for effort.

I wonder if she’s figured it out, yet. How much I love her.

Maybe not. I’ve been cloaks and daggers with those words my entire life. Saying them to her might kill me if she doesn’t say them back. I’d rather sign myself up to be the pork in a meat grinder than just stand there and have her pat my cheeks while I watch her hips sway on her out of our lives.

Jules, are you trying to get back at me?

After my shower, I listen in the hall to Sera reading to Matty. He loves it when she reads to him, but man, does he ask a ton of questions.

“It shows what you want most, right?” Matty asks. “Wanna know what I’d see, Sera?”

“Tell me,” she says, patient as always with him.

I don’t want to hear this part. What I’ve gathered so far is that this mirror in Harry Potter is some sick shit, and I don’t want my nephew involved with it. I mean, the kid’s an orphan to begin with and his aunt and uncle make my mom seem like an angel.

You thought it would be a prime way to get your girl to spend more time with you. The plan backfired, bucko, since reading is her favourite thing in the world.
Well, maybe I’ll be her favourite thing soon.

“I see myself like you. I can run around all day and
never
get tired. I’m like Harry, Sera. I could sit in front of that mirror all day long.”

Hell, the kid’s just flayed me. I lean harder into the wall, needing its support. I’ve fucked up badly. I haven’t done enough to make him feel good about himself, to show him what’s right and wrong, to teach him about the world and what it is to be a man.

He’s just a boy, and he doesn’t understand.

I don’t want him to know the truth of what we are – how everything sucks all the time.

“I don’t want that Matty,” Sera says, and whatever heat I’ve got building in my chest, that’s all for her, every single piece of it. “I want
this
Matty.”

I can hear the kid start to cry, and they don’t sound like crocodile tears either. They’re the kind that come out after a skinned knee, or a tumble on the ground.

“You’re amazing, little man. I promise you,” Sera murmurs. While I’m pissed at myself and jealous if I admit it—that she knows exactly what to say to him, at exactly the right time—I’m glad she’s here.