Never Enough (27 page)

I elbowed him in the ribs until he squawked. As much as I felt disappointed by him breaking the moment, it came with a certain amount of relief. We were such good friends, and the thought of changing our relationship didn’t quite feel safe, but in a way that had nothing to do with Josh or what I’d been through. Maybe we just weren’t ready for that. I wondered if Marcus felt the same way.

He switched to the regular lightbulb and pulled a magnifying glass from his box of supplies. “I couldn’t haul the enlarger all the way over here to make prints,” he said.

“No, this is awesome,” I said. But my mouth snapped shut when I saw the negative of Claire on the side of the stage.
Now I couldn’t blame it on the lighting, or my blurry eyes, or my oversensitivity to what anyone else in the crowd might have been thinking. The sharp edges on the negative only emphasized
her
sharp edges. Her bones sticking out, her ribs, her gaunt figure staring back at me.

“Wow,” Marcus said, and it was the first time I could recall anyone saying “Wow” about my sister in that tone. I was tempted to throw my hand over the negative, but it was too late. Besides, if I could let anyone see this, it would be Marcus.

“Yeah. I, uh, kind of didn’t want anyone at Walgreens to see this,” I said finally.

Marcus nodded. “You’re a good sister.”

I stared at him. “No.” I blinked to clear my eyes. “I’m not.”

Marcus put a hand on my shoulder, probably to try to reassure me, but I couldn’t concentrate. I studied the picture, looking for a clue as to what had happened to my beautiful sister.

“Do you think the clinic will help?” Marcus rubbed a slow circle on my back.

“It has to,” I replied too fast. “She’ll see a doctor and a counselor regularly when she gets back.” I hoped it would be enough, but how would I, or anyone else, tell if it wasn’t? She’d been so good at hiding her problems before. The thought sickened me and I couldn’t concentrate on developing.

After Marcus left, I trekked up to my bedroom to grab my shoe box full of photos.

I dug out one from the spring, of Claire finishing her homework on the living room floor. Then I pulled out a grad print of Claire and Jasmine in the backyard. I added the suntanning negative. I laid the shots out on my bed and stared down at the three very different girls in front of me. I felt like I was seeing my sister as a stranger for the first time.

It wasn’t just the skinny arms and legs. Her ribs. Her now-frizzy hair. Deeper, in her eyes, it was as though she’d lost something of who she used to be.

Or maybe she’d lost everything.

The next time Claire called, I picked up the phone right away. In fact, since
finding the air freshener downstairs and studying her pictures, I’d kept the phone beside me, waiting for her call.

“Loey!” she said in her usual bright tone.

“How are you?” I asked right away, and after she’d raced on a bit with her peppy reply, I interrupted. “Are you really okay now? Really?”

She paused and then her voice dropped to a deeper, more somber octave. “I’m getting better. But it takes time, Loey.”

I had to know more. “Th-That time . . .” I stuttered a bit on my words, but she waited. “That time you were throwing up in our bathroom . . .” Part of me was afraid she’d deny it, so I raced on. “Was that the only time, Claire?”

She hesitated again. “No, it wasn’t, Loey.” I waited for her to tell me about the downstairs bathroom. It would at least make it easier to believe she was being honest now. But instead she said, “I started when I was thirteen. But I’ve only been doing it daily for the last year or so.”

I gulped.
Thirteen? Daily?
I blinked hard. “Oh, Claire.”
How? When? Why didn’t I know?
All my questions caught in my throat.

When I didn’t say anything else, Claire filled the uncomfortable silence. “Things are going really well here, Loey. They’re teaching me a lot, and I get to come home really soon!” By the end of her sentence her voice had regained its chipper tone.

I couldn’t smile. I could hardly breathe.

I purposed to stay home more and talk to Claire each time she called, and soon I realized I was happier when she didn’t talk about the past. Instead we discussed our futures: school, college, jobs. Each time I spoke with her, she sounded better, like her old self. Healthy. Happy. I lay on her bed most times when we were on the phone, and it helped to bring back some of the better memories of the two of us, even of our family when we used to be more of a tight unit, rather than all of us going our own directions. I thought about family vacations, Claire and I laughing ourselves silly in a game of hide-and-seek. What Claire had gone through was an unfortunate
route to get my old sister back, but I was happy she was back just the same.

Claire had been gone for almost three weeks, and I had dwelled almost solely on when she would be home again so we could work together to get our family and ourselves back to normal, but at the end of August, I suddenly had something more urgent to think about.

Senior year.

On our first day back, Marcus and I met at the Arts Club so we could walk together. Dark circles rimmed his eyes like a boxer. He looked awful.

“Did you have to work all night?” I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair to try to straighten it a bit. I’d never felt his hair before, and it was so soft and silky. He bent over so I could reach better and I lifted my left hand to fix the other side.

I didn’t want to stop, and when I noticed his eyes were closed, I suspected he didn’t want me to either. I wanted to run my hands down onto his face. His neck. I was trying to work up the courage when he stumbled toward me.

He straightened abruptly and I pulled my hands away.

“Tired, huh?” I asked, feeling more than a little embarrassed. I’d been thinking about being closer to him and he’d probably only been thinking about being closer to his bed.

He nodded, and we walked in silence for a few minutes.

I don’t know if I was feeling superjilted by Marcus, or maybe it was the fact that I’d have to face Josh today, but the more I walked, the more agitated I became. I finally couldn’t hold back my thoughts any longer. “It’s just not fair,” I said, “that your mom makes you work full time during your senior year.”

“My mom’s not making me do anything,” he said. “She’s just having a hard time. It’s only been a few weeks.” Marcus, always the one to give people more credit than they deserved. Though considering I had been on the receiving end of that trait, I swallowed down my rebuttal.

When we opened the school doors, the jocks stood across the lobby as if they were there screening everyone coming in. It was a new group, and included only one of the guys who I’d seen bugging Marcus before. But Josh was with them. He was turned away, talking to another of the guys, but I would recognize his straight, confident posture anywhere.

Even the thought of Josh made my insides weak. Why had I let him do whatever he wanted, when he obviously didn’t give a crap about me? I’d done so well, putting him out of my mind when I didn’t have to see him, but now it was unavoidable. When other people from Josh’s group eyed me, I wondered how many of them knew.

Marcus noticeably stiffened beside me, too.

I hadn’t heard from Ethan after he’d invited me to that
party. But he was with the group and broke away when he saw me.

I swallowed. Seeing Ethan with Josh, I couldn’t help but wonder . . . had he only invited me to a party because of something he’d heard about me? Something he’d heard from Josh?

He joined Marcus and me in step.

“Hi, Loann. How’s it going?”

I forced a smile, wanting to give Ethan the benefit of the doubt. “I’m pretty good. All ready for senior year?”

Ethan nodded and started jabbering on about his electives. Marcus didn’t even glance in Ethan’s direction.

When we reached our lockers, Ethan was just coming to the end of his story about rearranging his schedule.

“Well I’m glad it worked out,” I said. “I guess I’ll see you around?”

Ethan nodded, taking the hint and backing away. “Yeah, see you at lunch.”

Marcus didn’t say a word to me as we arranged our new notebooks in our lockers. I didn’t know if he was jealous, or what, but it felt almost impossible to break the silence.

I decided to just address the issue head-on. “So it’s kinda weird, that Ethan guy following me around, huh?”

“No, Loann.” He sighed. “It’s not weird at all.”

I wasn’t sure exactly what he meant, but it felt like a compliment. “Well, he’s totally not my type.”

Marcus had such a complete nonreaction, I regretted trying to make him feel better.
Why bother, if he was barely going to notice?

When the warning bell rang, I silently walked Marcus to his first class to make sure he didn’t nod off on the way. We didn’t meet up again until drama, which was right before lunch.

Everything looked exactly as it had last year: Shayleen at the front, with Deirdre a few seats behind now that they weren’t friends. Marcus in the back.

Deirdre gave me a wave when she spotted me, but she seemed involved conversing with another girl. I waved back and headed straight for the seat beside Marcus.

He was dozing on one arm. With nothing else to do, Ethan’s mention of lunch kept coming back to me. I’d avoided the cafeteria most of last year, and it sounded kind of nice to be wanted in there during my senior year.

The more I thought about it, were Ethan and Josh really even friends? Maybe Ethan really did like me. And even if I didn’t
really
like him, not in that way, I kind of wanted to know his motives.

“What do you think about eating in the cafeteria today?” I whispered to Marcus.

“Hmm?” His eyelashes fluttered, but he didn’t fully open his eyes. “I think I need to take a nap somewhere during lunch.”

So it was settled. I was on my own.

*   *   *

The first face I saw when I walked into the cafeteria was Deirdre’s. Her table looked like the safest option, since I couldn’t imagine myself just plunking down with a group of senior guys. Then Ethan appeared in front of me, intercepting my path.

“Hey, Loann. We’re over here.” He pointed to a table near the windows, a table I always remembered the popular seniors—my sister’s crowd—sitting at last year. I sized it up. Not only was Josh nowhere in sight, the table was not all guys. In fact, it was a mix of seniors, including some girls I recognized from last year’s art class. It really didn’t seem so bad.

Most of the people had bought their lunches already, and I followed Ethan toward them and sat down with my brown bag, feeling slightly embarrassed by it.

“Want to share my fries?” Ethan asked, pushing the carton toward me.

I let out my breath. Just when I started to relax, though, I heard a familiar voice behind me. Ethan and I had sat facing the windows, with our backs to the rest of the cafeteria, so I didn’t notice Josh’s approach until I heard him.

“Hey, Ethan,” Josh said, passing behind us and heading to the opposite end of the table. “I wanted to talk to you about something. Why don’t you slide down here?” Josh didn’t acknowledge me at all.

I swallowed. I didn’t want anything to do with Josh anymore, but it hurt to feel so completely unimportant. A small part of me had held out hope that somehow I’d had it wrong—Josh hadn’t just used me and never called again. It had to have been something bigger than that—he’d had a family tragedy, or he’d had to leave the country, or something that I didn’t know the details of.

But clearly I couldn’t believe that now.

Ethan, to my surprise, didn’t say a word back to Josh. In fact, he didn’t respond at all, and I wondered what was going on here. There was obviously some kind of tension between them.

Before I finished that thought, someone sat down on my opposite side. I glanced over and saw Ron, the guy who hadn’t paid for his coffee at the Arts Club during the summer.

I reached for a French fry to be doing something with my hands, but I knocked Ethan’s hand in the process.

“So how’s it going, Loann?” Ron asked. His face was close—too close—and I could smell his onion-y breath. His hand dropped under the table and onto my knee. I shut my eyes for a second, not wanting to believe that this was exactly what I thought it had been.

Josh had told all his friends what we had done. And now
everyone
wanted to help themselves to the easy girl who gives it all up on the first date.

When I opened my eyes, Josh’s jaw looked hardened, and he just stared at the three of us.

Ron’s hand slid up from my knee to my thigh. I jumped and then stood in one quick motion. The whole table looked over at my abrupt move.

“I, uh, remembered I have to see a teacher,” I said, stepping over the bench and nearly toppling over in an attempt to get my other leg out quickly. Ethan murmured for me to wait up, and when I turned to go, there was Shayleen, right in my face.