Authors: Desmond Haas
“I’m in limbo here,” I told her. “Sam hasn’t made much progress, he’s still in a coma, and I don’t know what the future holds for us when he does wake up.”
She told me, “Sam would say ‘listen to your heart.’”
“I know, and I’m trying to, but I’m confused. I have a life back there.”
“Listen to me. When Sam regains consciousness, where would you want to be?”
“Oh, here, of course,” I said.
“From what you’re telling me of his injuries, he’ll need a lot of care. So, if you do stay, are you up to that challenge?”
I thought about what Linda said and knew whatever I decided would change my life. If I stayed, I’d have to commit to be with Sam, no matter what. Could I leave England and be with him and an uncertain future? If I didn’t stay, would I ever see him again?
“Thanks. You helped me make a decision. I don’t know what the future holds, but whichever way it goes, it’s going to be with Sam.”
“Good girl. That’s what I’d do. Do you want me to come over there for a while?”
“Not yet. Maybe when Sam comes home from hospital we can all get together…once he feels he’s up to it.”
“Just let me know. I have some money in the bank and can borrow from my friends.”
She was such a dear, and I was fortunate to have her as a friend. I could envision a day when we’d all be together again and happy. I hoped that day would be sooner rather than later.
A fortnight passed. I was again losing hope. Sam’s burns were healing, and he’d been off the ventilator for a while. Depressed and still thinking about going back to the UK, I was uncomfortable being Judith’s guest and felt like I was taking advantage of her hospitality. I tried to give her money, but she refused. She told me to consider her home mine as well. Still, I had thoughts of making some arrangements in my life, as I couldn’t see myself not doing anything but sitting in the hospital all day. I know those thoughts are not what I wanted, but I was still confused. My confusion vanished upon getting to the hospital. Leave it to Sam to help me when I needed him most.
Judith and I walked into Sam’s room to see him and an attractive nurse talking with each other. Judith, always alert, said, “Sam, don’t you go flirting with that pretty nurse.”
“Mother, she’s married,” he said and turned towards her voice.
The look on his face made me wish I had a camera. As stunned as I was seeing Sam awake, he was also stunned seeing me. It took a push from his mother to move me across the room to his bed.
I wanted to throw my arms around him, but I was afraid of hurting him. I leaned down, instead, kissed his lips, and held his one hand with both of mine. I didn’t know what to say.
“When did you get here?” he asked.
“A while ago.”
“She’s been here ever since the accident, nearly six weeks now, spending every day in this room listening to you not talking to her.” Judith said.
“You’ve been here that long? Why?” he asked.
I was finally able to get my voice and said, “Besides missing you, I wanted to be with you, to take care of you.”
He squeezed my hand, and his eyes closed.
Sam tired easily and stayed awake only a few hours at a time. By noon the next day, Dr. Michaels visited and with us present, explained everything in detail. In the morning, after an examination, they scheduled moving Sam from ICU to the burn unit. Once he completed all the skin grafts, Sam could go home and do outpatient rehabilitation. When Dr. Michaels mentioned going home, Sam looked at me and then his mother.
“Where is home going to be?” he asked.
“You can’t stay in your apartment,” Judith said. “It’s too small, and there is no easy access. For now, I’ll get some contractors to make my house wheelchair accessible.”
“What about my apartment?”
“Marisa and I will clean it out and pack up everything. The furniture and large pieces we will put in storage. We’ll bring the rest to the house.”
“What about you?” he asked, looking at me. “How long are you going to stay?”
“For as long as you want me to.”
“And your job and flat in London?”
“I’m on sabbatical now, but if necessary, I’ll resign. Sam, it’s not a problem. My place is with you, wherever you are.”
“We’ll talk later,” Sam said. “I’m getting tired.”
He turned his head away, and his response was not what I expected. I thought he would be happy to be together, not withdrawn. I was in a fog and felt as if the floor had dropped from under me.
Judith took me out of the room, sat me down in a visiting area, and said, “Sam is taking in way too much, and I don’t blame him a bit for his reaction. He’s confused about himself, and his world has turned upside down. Everything he had, his job, his apartment, getting a new job to be with you--all of that is gone. I know it’s difficult seeing him like this. As you know, he’s the type that wants to be in control, and now that control is gone.
“He’ll be dependent on us and won’t like it,” Judith continued. “You’ll have to bathe him and take care of all his medical needs. He won’t like any of it one bit. I need to ask you this, and you’ll have to give me an answer within the next day or so. Are you prepared to give up your life and devote yourself to him? If not…if you can’t see yourself being strong, stronger than he is, able to boss him around when necessary, be his caretaker twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week…if you can’t be everything to him, then don’t be afraid to say so.”
“Judith, you’re already a good friend, and I won’t tell you anything but the truth. I can’t see myself doing anything else. There is no other life for me without Sam.”
“Good, I knew you would say that. So, let’s get to work. Go back in there and ignore his ramblings and rants.”
The next few days were hell. Sam withdrew more, ignored me, and barely put up with anyone. In short, he was a real bastard. I shadowed the nurses and hospital technicians to learn everything I needed to know to take care of him.
I met some of his friends when they stopped by to chat. Judith introduced me to his boyhood chum, Trent, who went out of his way to befriend me. He said, “If he gives you any shit, you call me!”
He came by to see Sam almost every evening, bringing dinner with him, and it wasn’t long before he and I got along quite well.
Days later, I asked Judith if I could call Linda in the UK, as I missed her, and truthfully, I wanted to cry on her shoulder again. When I reached her, I filled her in on all of the details and told her our schedule, if she wanted to plan a visit.
I decided to burn a bridge as well. Once I did, there would be no going back to my old life. I told her to clean out my flat, ship anything she thought I would need, and put the rest in storage.
“It’s going to be one day at a time, and after speaking with his mother, I don’t care what Sam says. He can’t get rid of me. We’ll see if he can hold up to Cyclone Marisa.”
“That’s my girl!”
Linda had an extra key to my flat, as I did hers, so I knew everything was in capable hands. With those worries away, I worked with Judith to arrange everything in the house so Sam’s wheelchair could move about. She had Sam’s insurance company pay for remodeling the bath by putting in a sling with a lift so we could bathe him. Medical supplies arrived, and we used a closet in the spare bedroom, converted for Sam’s use, to store all his necessities.
* * * *
The big day arrived and his friends made it an occasion, coordinated by Trent. They hung a huge ‘Welcome Home Sam’ banner outside the front door, brought in more food than an army needed, and filled the room with fresh cut flowers.
At five o’clock, the ambulance arrived, and I was torn as to whether I should run out and greet Sam or stay inside. Judith took care of my indecision by taking my hand and leading me to the ambulance.
The side door of the ambulance opened, and there was Sam in his wheelchair. His friends, relatives, and even the neighbors gathered on the front lawn and cheered his arrival. The attendants wheeled him to a mechanical lift and lowered him to the walkway. I took a deep breath and told them I’ll take it from there.
Sam looked much better. His skin tone had improved, but he still had bandages on the right side of his face and arm. As I wheeled him up the new ramp, everyone crowded around, wishing him well.
I was sitting in the living room later, speaking with everyone, when someone rang the doorbell. I opened the door expecting more well-wishers, and found Linda standing there holding two of my sheer, thong undies. Everyone in the living room turned to look at her, and she said, “I didn’t know if you wanted the red one or the black, so I thought I should ask.”
I almost toppled her by running into her arms and then dragged her inside to make the introductions. It meant so much to me that she’d flown all the way from the UK to be with us.
I took the thongs from Linda, faced Sam, and cleared my throat to get his attention. The room got quiet. I held up the thongs in front of Sam and said, “Okay, Sam, which do you prefer?”
Quietly, he said, “Either one, I don’t care.”
“Well, if you have a problem deciding, I’ll make it easier for you. I’ll go put these on one at a time and come out here so you can see them on me and tell me which one you think looks better.”
Cheers and jeers rolled across the room, with a few of his male friends egging me on. Sam didn’t answer and looked away.
“Okay, I’ll go put on the first one and model it for you. Be back in a jif.”
As I walked away, Sam said, louder that time, “The black one.”
I turned back towards him and nodded my head. “Good choice.” And I leaned down to give him a quick peck.
Everyone started talking again, and Linda whispered, “Would you have done it?”
“What do you think?”
“I know before you met Sam you never would even show your undies in public. Now, however, I believe you would have put them on and paraded through the house.”
“I didn’t want to, but not because I’m embarrassed. I didn’t want to because it could hurt Sam, and I didn’t want that. Was I prepared to go through with it? Yes.”
A while later, I stood by the door saying my good-byes while Judith and Linda finished in the kitchen.
As Trent left, he asked, “Is Linda married or does she have a boyfriend?”
I looked back to the kitchen and back to Trent and said, “To my knowledge, I don’t think she has anyone in her life right now, but I’ve been away from her for a while, so I really don’t know.”
I did know. She and I talked about such things all the time, but I wasn’t going to give Trent a clear path. He’d have to work for it. After he left, I went into the kitchen to see if I could lend a hand and said loud enough for both of them to hear, “There’s someone that fancies you, Linda.”
If she turned her head to look at me any quicker, it could have twisted off. “Who?” she asked.
“Trent,” Judith answered. “He couldn’t take his eyes off you all night.”
“Which one was Trent?” she asked.
“The tall one with the black hair, wearing the jeans and leather jacket.”
“That one? The one with the gorgeous lips and the tattoo of a mermaid on his bicep? No, I don’t think I remember him.”
We all laughed, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he called on her in the next few days.
After finishing the kitchen, Judith and I looked around to make certain we had cleaned everything before I said, “I need to get Sam ready for bed. I’ll be back in a bit.”
I took him in the bedroom and changed his clothes, while he silently accommodated me. Once I wheeled him next to the bed, I set the brakes on the wheelchair, moved his legs off the stirrups, and swiveled them out of the way.
“Are you ready?” He nodded and I put my arms around his chest, under his arms, then using my legs, I lifted him onto the bed.
“Would you like me to sleep with you tonight?” I asked.
“No,” he said. “I’d like to be alone tonight.”
That hurt me, but I wasn't going to show any emotion he could latch on to. “Okay, if you need something, the bell is on your nightstand. Sleep well,” I said as calmly as I could.
I turned out the main light, closed his door, and went out to the living room to meet up with Judith and Linda. “How did it go?” Linda asked.
I sighed. “I offered to sleep with him, but he said he wanted to be alone. Judith, I apologize for assuming I could sleep with him under your roof, but it just seemed like I needed to offer it to him.”
“Don’t worry about it. Of course, you can sleep with him if it’s okay with the both of you. My God, you’re both adults and madly in love—even if he doesn’t know it.”
That one night repeated again and again until I no longer asked him. Each day, I was a robot, tending to him, taking care of his physical needs and doing my best to remain aloof from his rotten demeanor.
There was, however, some happiness in the house as Linda and Trent started dating. Each time Linda came back, Judith and I peppered her with questions to get all the juicy bits. She said Trent had been a perfect gentleman every time they went out.
After three weeks, we were eating breakfast before getting Sam up and ready for the day. “How was your date with Trent?” Judith asked.
“We walked around Lake Eola, then sat on one of the benches and talked late into the night.”