Never Satisfied: Do Men Know What They Want? (17 page)

L
et me say this before we get started. I’ve been married for over 15 years, and there is no way I would have been able to tolerate a traditional marriage without having affairs. And most of my friends who have been married for ten plus years, feel the same way. And since there was no way I could introduce a different lifestyle to my wife, the only alternative is to step out every now and then. I love my wife, and I enjoy the life and security we’ve built together, but I’m still a man and I have needs that my wife is not comfortable with fulfilling. So what am I supposed to do, divorce my best friend because I want to have something new every now and then. That’s just ridiculous! Hell, if she were getting some on the side, I would understand. What woman wants the same old dick for 15 plus years, right?

Since I travel often in my business, meeting new women and keeping it away from home comes easy. My last affair was with a flight attendant I met on my way to New York for a sales conference. While she was serving peanuts and coffee, I was serving up the old charm. By the time we landed at JFK, she was hooked. She wrote down her cell number and email address. When I called her the next evening to invite her over for drinks, she didn’t waste any time getting straight to the point. “I’m attracted to older men,” she admitted. “I know you’re married, but I would like to get to know you better.”

Needless to say, she got to know me very well. Since she had four other flight attendants sharing her apartment, we reserved a room at a motel outside of the city. The moment we walked through the door, she reached inside her small suitcase for something comfortable to slip into. I caught a quick peek at what looked like a tiny bra held together with dental floss.

“Oh my God,” I said. “Are you going put that skimpy thing on?”

“Stop looking,” she said while shielding it from my view. You’re going to spoil the surprise.”

“Baby, I don’t think anything could spoil that surprise, especially with a body like yours.”

She blushed and headed for the bathroom with her bag of goodies.

“I’ll be back,” she said seductively.

Once she closed the door, I went into action. First I took my clothes off and folded them neatly on the chair. Then I used the sink outside of the bathroom to touch myself up a bit. Just in case you ladies didn’t know it, men are notorious for washing their dicks in the sink. Finally, I got down on the floor and did 50 push-ups. I wanted to be buffed for my new lover. The second the shower shut off, I leaped onto the bed and did my best to look athletic.

“Are you ready baby?” she said as the bathroom door swung open.

“Ready like Freddy,” I laughed.

When she walked out into the open, all the blood rushed out of one head and into the other. She had on a crotchless black lace teddy, with garter straps, and high heel pumps. I was in heaven. For the next two hours we did it in every position humanly possible, on top of the sink, in the shower, and against the wall. When it was all over, she collapsed on top of my chest and fell asleep. I just lay there staring at her thinking to myself, “Another first round knockout, I’ve still got it!”

At 45 years of age, not many women will criticize me for not conducting myself more responsibly, especially since I’m well-educated with a professional job. However, being a Dog has nothing to do with economics or intellect. Don’t fool yourselves for a moment into believing this is some sort of low income or low education thing. It’s simply a man thing. I hear men talking about their sordid affairs and kinky sex on the sixteenth hole of exclusive golf courses, at political fundraisers, even after church on Sunday. That’s right, the Dogs are everywhere. Cheating is a universal game played by men from every social, economic, and cultural background. As a matter of fact, the wealthier they are, the more resources they have to play. The vice-president in charge of marketing is my favorite to watch. He is 54 years old and has been married for over twenty-five years. Nevertheless, he loves to show off his prize catch, just like a cocky high school kid. Without an ounce of shame, he allows his mistress to come upstairs to the office to pick him up for lunch. And she always has on a sexy outfit. I’m thoroughly convinced he insists she wear something provocative to shock the rest of the staff. When they first began dating three months ago, she was dressed conservatively. Now she appears to have raided Cher’s wardrobe. Last week she stepped off the elevator wearing a suede mini skirt, see-through blouse, and four-inch Stilettos. I had to roll my tongue back into my head. And you should see him when he returns from their lunch dates. He struts around with his chest all poked out like a peacock. This may all seem very juvenile from a woman’s perspective but some men need to use attractive women to feel good about themselves, including me. I guess the old saying is true, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

The cheating man’s sexual and egotistical need for having sex with multiple women is often nothing more than a clever camouflage of the larger problem of insecurity. The problem, however, was finding a man willing to discuss this topic from that perspective. It’s not easy to walk up to a grown man and say, “Excuse me Sir, I’m writing a book about infidelity and I’d like to interview men who cheat because they are insecure.” I don’t think so! Men will never admit to insecurity being a factor any more than they will admit to having a small penis or being horrible in bed. Our egos just won’t allow it! Why, because insecurity is synonymous with weakness. And I don’t need to tell you how offensive that word can be to a real man. The trick now was to come up with a word, or term, which would address the issue of insecurity, without calling it insecurity. I thought about it for a moment, then it came to me, “I’ll call it “Back-Up,’” And just as I expected, they took to this term like fish to water.

The cheating man’s need for “Back Up,” is based primarily on control. But it also has a lot to do with fear. First let’s examine the control motive. Most men, regardless if they are cheating or not, have an innate and socialized need to be in control. Of course, this is not a problem if he simply wants to open a tight jar or drive around the block lost for an hour. However, when matters of the heart are at issue, the idea of control cannot be dealt with by using a socket wrench or a road map. This is a major concern for alpha male man who has been accustomed to having a solution to every physical problem. The key word of course is physical, not emotional. Sure, he’s willing to submit to the mechanical expertise of a repair man if he can’t start his car, or ask the gas station attendant for directions when he is lost. But whom does he call when his relationship isn’t working and he feels lost in it? His buddies? His mama? A therapist perhaps? Are you crazy! No man with an ounce of pride is going to surrender himself to the embarrassment of his friends, the scrutiny of his mother, or the nosiness of some pencil-pushing therapist. In his mind, there’s only one way to maintain control over his relationship and that is simply not to get too emotionally involved in it. As one gentleman candidly put it, “The one who is least in love usually controls the relationship.”

It is because of this type of mentality that more and more men are subscribing to the player’s doctrine that states: “Never love a woman more than you love yourself.” Sounds harmless, right? Wrong! For the defensive and emotionally apprehensive man, this philosophy translates to, “I will not allow myself to get so intimately involved that I might lose control over my relationship.” Does this sound familiar? Sure it does. The cheating man’s interpretation is skewed only because he is constantly looking for a reason not to love anyway. Now, let’s flip the script and present this same slogan to a woman: “Never love a man more than you love yourself,” she would likely comprehend this to mean, “I will love and care for my man, but I will take time out for myself too.” This is classic examples of just how differently men and women think. The woman is always prepared to love again, no matter how many times her battle-ridden heart has been broken. Whereas the man treats love like a Jehovah’s Witness knocking at the door, hoping it will go away if he draws the curtains to his heart and keeps quiet.

The issue of fear is another dominant factor as to why men feel the need for “Back Up.” Fear of what you ask? The fear of falling in love and being hurt. Most men will strongly disagree with this remark simply because they have no idea what it’s like to be close enough to a woman to give a damn. They passionately deny any woman could ever hurt them while at the same time they are too afraid to get close enough to give it a try. What are we afraid of, you ask? The unknown. The cheating man has a warped and over-exaggerated idea of what love is all about. Subconsciously he is afraid that once he falls in love, he will be instantly transformed into a mindless, spineless, pussy-whipped robot that will lose complete control over his life. Therefore, he remains in his comfort zone where the emotional territory is familiar and controllable. Men know that having sex and sharing themselves emotionally with several women creates emotional distance, which in term allows them more control. So when the time comes to end the relationship, he is already invested in another woman. The ties can be cut without the pain of rejection or heartache.

As for the cheating man who has tried love before, he is too chicken-hearted and paranoid to go down that dark road. All Alpha males are secretly guarding against having their emotions at the center of their relationships. This is why many of us steer clear of any woman who represents true affection and strong commitment. It’s kind of painfully funny when you think about it. With all of our bulging muscles and bold talk we cannot handle emotional injury half as well as women can. Some say it’s because women have had much more painful practice, while others contend it’s nothing more than social conditioning. Well, I have my own theory, “Men are simply more sensitive than women are to begin with.” That’s right, I said it. I know all hell is going to break loose when my male peers get a load of that statement. No matter, I’m going to stick by my guns on this one.

Before we allow sleeping Dogs to lie, there is one last story I want to share with you. It is an interesting look at how one man covered up his insecurities, and/or fears, by keeping as many women as possible on hand. His name is Maurice. He is single, conceited, and has 29 years of experience to certify his Dog license. What I found most interesting about him was the way he viewed his relationships with women. He expressed his attitude about cheating with a very colorful basketball metaphor. I know the women are going to scream foul on this one.

Maurice’s Story

I
look at my relationships with women like a game of basketball. I’m the coach and they are the players. The first order of business for the coach is to find a star player, a woman to build the team around. She will be expected to come through under pressure, night in and night out. Her responsibilities will include coming to all practice sessions and scoring on a consistent basis. If she performs up to standards, her contract will be extended and she’ll get all the perks that go along with it, dinners, meet the family, be introduced to close friends, etc…. Then you have your two back up players. They are an integral part of the team because they provide you with leverage to renegotiate with your star player. If expectations start to get too high, you move one of them into the starting rotation and start recruiting again. Finally, you have your benchwarmers. Although don’t get much starting time, don’t sell them short. In a pressure situation they will give you everything they’ve got. Many times they play the hardest because their goal is to get more playing time.

All jokes aside, I feel it’s necessary to keep as many women on stand-by as possible. This is the only way I can put up with all the games women play. What do I mean by that? Let’s start with the average date from the man’s perspective. You call a woman up to arrange a date, drive twenty miles across town to pick her up, spend your hard earned money on expensive dinners and movies, then drive her back home. If you’re lucky, you’ll get sex. And nine times out of ten the sex isn’t that good. I don’t play that. My attitude is this; if we’re not having sex you can stay at home. Why should men have to pay to get to know you, waste weeks if not months dating you, and hope that he will eventually have sex with you without a guarantee that the sex will be any good. That’s insane! My attitude is, let’s get the sex out the way so we can get to know each other. The reality is, you don’t really meet the real man until he’s getting sex on a regular basis. Until then, it’s all posturing on both side.

Another reason why I need to have more than one woman is because women can sense when a man is hard up, like a lioness smelling fear in a wounded animal. Those chicks at the club are the worst. They sit back with their noses all turned up acting as if Denzel Washington is waiting at home naked in bed with champagne on ice and a dozen roses. When they know damn well the only welcome home they get is from Morris the cat or Fi Fi the poodle. Nevertheless, these lonely heifers play you like they have good men knocking down their door. And without any consideration for how much you can afford to spend, they start making demands on your wallet, buy me a drink, take me out to breakfast, let’s go shopping! You’re sitting there thinking, “Damn, what am I getting out of this again?”