Never Say Goodbye (Rebel Walking #6) (25 page)

Chapter Six

Luke

This night has been great.  It meant a lot to see everyone want to welcome me back home.  I can honestly say going to this BBQ made it easier.  There's nothing like getting everything out at once.  I don't have to drag it out and hopefully won’t be approached a million times asking about where I've been and how I'm dealing.

"You two can stay with us tonight, then you can go back to your house tomorrow if you think you're ready."  Talon invites us to stay with them, but I really want to go to my place.  I want to move back into it quickly and get Kimber situated so she feels like we have a home.  Living in my shitty apartment hasn't been a home and I know she needs to feel like she belongs here.  I made the promise to her that she'd have that, so tonight, I'll give that to her.

"I appreciate the offer, but we're gonna go stay at my place."  

"Luke, I had the place cleaned from top to bottom, your mail is all in a box at the edge of the bar, and I even bought you new sheets and towels... because really cousin, they were not good."

"Coming from a perfectionist, I'll just take it.  Thank you."

"You have no choice!  We'll take you home, unless you'd like to borrow my truck until you get one."

"Well, her Jeep should arrive in a day or so.  I'll need to buy another one for me.  I sold the other one when I hit California."

"Yeah, just borrow mine.  I don't need it for anything, but I'm driving everyone home tonight.  I haven't drank anything, so no arguing.  Kimber, we always make sure there's a driver.  It's just something we've always done.  Tonight it was my privilege to be that person!"  

We say our goodbyes to everyone at the party and let Eaven drive us to my house.  I get a very eerie feeling the closer we get.  Feelings and memories of that night so many years ago begin to flood my mind, but I fight to keep my composure.   

This is something that I'll have to do sooner or later, I may as well do it tonight.  She pulls into the driveway and I hesitate to get out.  Kimber notices.

"We can get a hotel, if you'd like.  We can do all of this tomorrow."

"It's okay."

"I really don't mind.  I like being pampered in hotels like we stayed in last night."  I think about it for a few seconds.  It would be so much easier to drive away from this house.  From the memories that will haunt me.  From the sadness that's bound to come, but going to a hotel is only delaying the inevitable.  I'll just lose sleep knowing tomorrow will be the day I walk back into my old life.

"Nah, I need to do this tonight."  I open the truck door and wait to let Kimber out behind me.  She follows closely as I wait for Eaven to open the door to my house.  

"I'll get you another set of keys.  I'm not sure if you have your old set, but I know Kimber will needs some."

"I do have the key in my suitcase, so just get her a set if you don't mind."  

"I can do that.  Like I said, your mail is over here, and I was going to show you one of the letters."  I hear the sound of her voice but I'm not hearing what she's saying.  I don't give two shits about my mail.  I'm trying my fucking hardest not to run again.  I want to walk straight out of here and not look back.  It would be easier, it has to be.

I walk into my living room and feel all the memories around me as I try like hell to seem okay.  It's not working.

I turn around and walk back out the front door.  Talon is standing at the edge of the driveway, leaning against the front of the truck.  I pace in front of him trying to figure out what to do.  How can I live here?  How the hell can I try to make a house with Kimber when my past is screaming at me in every fucking corner of that house?

"I know, brother.  I can't even go inside myself."  His deep voice cracks as he talks.

"I can't stay here."  We stand next to each other, saying nothing.  We don't have to.  He gets me.  He understands this shit is fucking killing me all over again.  

He walks to the door and I can hear him talking to Eaven.  I move to the edge of the driveway and look up into the sky and ask myself why the fuck this is still so hard.  Just as the tears build up in my eyes, I feel her arms wrap around my waist.  She's holding me from behind and places a few kisses on my back while she squeezes tighter.

"Luke, I'm here.  It's okay.  We don't have to stay here.  We'll find a place for us."  I wipe the tear that escapes and take a deep breath.  It doesn't make me feel better; my chest is getting tighter as we stand here.  I take a step forward, trying to get some space.

"Please don't shut me out.  Let me be here for you."  I turn to see Kimber in the moonlight,  tears sliding down her face while she looks at me.  "Please don't run.  We can get through this together.  I love you."

"It's supposed to get easier."  It's all I can say.  I'm not supposed to still be grieving.  I'm not the type to break the fuck down like this.  

"I need some fucking air."

"Let's walk."  She places her hand around mine and slightly pulls me toward the road.  I go with her, because honestly anywhere but this house sounds perfect to me.  

"I know you love her.  I know I can never replace her.  But I'm hoping one day you can find a way to be you again through all of this.  I want to help you through this, Luke."  

We walk in silence for a few blocks and I try to let the night air fill my lungs and take over the bullshit consuming my head.  She's right here with me, reminding me that I'm not alone this time.  

I finally stop walking and turn to look at Kimber.  I wish like hell I could tell her everything and she'd understand, but that's not fair to her.  I know I need to let it all out one day, but tonight is not the night for it.  I couldn't put all of this into words if I wanted.

"Have you ever thought about writing music?  You could let out all of your aggression in lyrics.  Maybe you'll feel better if you do."

"That's something we used to do together.  In my house.  We spent countless hours doing that."

"Then I think you should try it.  You can always try and if it doesn't work, you stop."  Sounds so simple.  So logical and equally as painful.  

"Yeah, maybe."

"Let's get a hotel tonight.  We can come back tomorrow and see if it's any easier."  

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For understanding all of this."

"I know you're hurting, Luke.  I've known that since I met you in California.  It's a process and I want you to know I'm here for you."

"I know you are."  I pull her in for a hug and we stay in each other’s arms for a few minutes.  Eaven and Talon drive up next to us and wait for us until we're done talking.  

"Let's go get a room.  I'm sorry I ruined tonight."

"Luke, it's not ruined.  I met all of the people who love you.  How can that be a bad night?"

Chapter Seven

Kimber

Last night was difficult.  It was extremely hard to watch Luke pull back like that.  I knew it would be hard on him; it's just hard when I can't fix it for him.  That's what I do.  I please others and when that isn't possible, it makes me crazy.  He deserves to be at peace, I just don't know how to get him there.

I've been watching him sleep for hours.  He wrapped me up in his arms last night and we both laid in the quiet hotel room without making a sound.  I could feel his hurt, but I knew there was nothing I could do to make it all go away.  

When he finally drifted off, I kept thinking about everything and trying to come up with a plan for today to make it easier on him.  I have plenty of money to get us a different house.  Lou made sure I left with a nice nest egg to get started with.  My father's money was frozen in all of his personal accounts, but the gym was in Lou's name.  He assured me that I'm due all of this for all the years of working for my father.  I know one hundred grand isn't enough for a lifetime, but it should be enough to get me started.  

I use my phone to search for available apartments or houses for rent in this area.  I see a few and take screen shots so I'll have them tomorrow.  Maybe I can get Eaven to take me around until I find something we can get.

Luke begins to stir, so I lay my phone face down on the bed next to me.  He stretches his arms over his head and I find myself watching his chest and stomach.  This man is perfect.  

"Are you watching me sleep?"

"Yeah.  Is that okay?"

"No.  You should be sleeping too."  I don't respond to him.  I can't say I already have, or I will, because chances are I won't.  The sunlight coming through the curtain tells me it's time to get out of bed anyway.  

"I'm good.  What's the plan for today?"

"I think I want to meet the guys at the sound house.  I listened to what you said last night and I think I may give it a try.  Maybe if I work on it with the guys, it'll go over a little better."

"That sounds perfect."

"Do you want to come with me?"

"No.  I think I'm going to look for us a place to stay for awhile."  He sits up in bed and runs his hands through his hair and down his face.

"I don't know what to do about that.  I don't really want to let my house go, but I'm not ready to move into it."

"I'll look for a simple apartment for us until you're ready to decide what you want to do.  There's no reason to rush into it."

"I guess that's the best thing then."

"I'll have Eaven help me."  

He slides to the edge of the bed and stands up, continuing to stretch his gorgeous body.  "What time did she say she'd be by this morning?"

"She said to call her and she'd be right over."

"I'm gonna go for a run."

"Okay.  Have fun."  He closes the door to the bathroom and I roll over, wrapping myself up in the sheet.  He seems to be better this morning; maybe I can catch an hour of sleep before things get started.

~~~~~~~

I roll over to an empty room.  Glancing at my phone, I see his note laying on the bed.

Kimber- I'm going to meet the guys at the studio.  Eaven will be back for you when you call.  I hope you got some rest, I tried to be quiet when I got back from my run.  Thank you for being there for me last night.  I'll see you soon.  ~Luke

This is promising.  He's going to the studio.  I'm going to take the day to get to know the girls a little better and hopefully Luke will be able to move forward with the guys and the band.  

I text Eaven at the number she gave me last night and jump in the shower to freshen up.

Luke

Talon picked me up on his way to the studio this morning.  I noticed the change in his voice when I asked for a ride.  I know he wants nothing more for me than to join them once again, but I'm not sure if it's in the cards for me anymore.  My life is so different now.

"Just so you know, Zander is coming in today.  He's one of the bass guitarists we've been looking at.  His experience is lacking, but his talent fits what we're needing."  A ping of hatred flashes through me.  He'll never be good enough to replace her.  Lilly was the best of the best.

I just sit back and listen to him tell me how they came across his work.  I can tell Taron has been in the forefront of trying to find someone to replace her.  I can't blame him, I've had them waiting six months as it is.  They need to get back on tour and if I'm not ready to go with them, I need to be ready to let them fill our spots.  

Channeling my inner love of music will be important today.  I can't be selfish when it comes to the guys anymore.  They deserve the chance to get back on top.  

"Can we make a stop at the bank on the way?"  I need to see what my account looks like.  I haven't touched it in months and hell, I don't even remember my password anymore.  My royalties should've been deposited every month, but I have no idea how we've done.

"Sure."  

"I don't have any idea what I have in there."

"Well, the past few months have been kick ass, so you should be doing alright.  The songs you and Lilly wrote really took off and the pay checks have definitely reflected that."

"How much are we talking?"

"Let's just say you won’t be worried about money any time soon."  I slide out of his truck and go inside.  He has me curious.  

The lady at the teller window must think I'm crazy when I ask for my balance and I don't have the account number.  She hands me a piece of paper showing over two million dollars and I look at her like she's the insane one.  

"You must have the wrong account."

"Luke Jacobs.  Account number 1921508."

"Uh.  Yes, that's the one."

"Sir, that's your balance."  I stare at the piece of paper in shock.  We always made decent money on the road, but to make this kind of money when we're not on tour is just completely crazy.

I must still have the look of surprise when I get in the truck with Talon.  

"You alright, man?"

"What the hell happened?  Shit, our royalties have blown up."

"Lilly dying sparked a lot of interest in our music and things just went well from there.  Taron wants to put out a CD in memory of her, showcasing her talent.  We were thinking of giving all the money to a charity that advocates against drunk drivers."  I don't know what to say.  

"That sounds awesome.  I'd love to be a part of that."

"That's why we waited for you to do it.  We knew it would be something you'd want to work on with us."  

"I'll start pulling recordings and see how we can best represent her."  This will be torture, but I need to do this.  She needs to be remembered in the best light and doing something like this is exactly what she'd want us to do.  

We arrive at the studio to a shit ton of vehicles.  Why do I have a feeling there's a few people here who can't wait to see me with a guitar in my hands?  

Stepping out of the truck, we're approached by paparazzi and groupies trying to get close to us.  I take a deep breath and try to remember what it was like.  Knowing this was my favorite part, I decide to take a chance and sign a few autographs.

"Oh.  My.  God.  Luke.  Thank you for signing my shirt.  I've missed you so much.  You were always my favorite."  I leave her with a smile and move to the next girl.

"Tell me when I get to see you again in concert!"  I sign the CD she hands me and smile.  I won't promise them anything I can't guarantee will happen.

"Luke.  Over here!"  I see a blonde waving a magazine in the back, so I move toward her.  She has me intrigued.

She hands me a magazine with Lilly and I on the front cover.  I don't remember posing for this, but it's badass.  I look at the date and see that it was released right after her death.  

'Tragedy Takes Two' is the headliner across the top.  I hand it back to her without signing it and ask her if she has anything else I can sign.  

"This is all I have with me."

"Give me a few minutes.  Let me see if we have something in the studio.  I just don't want to sign that if you don't mind."

"Sure.  I'm so sorry."  I look up to Holden, who just opened the door to the studio for us.  When I get closer, he starts to hold the fans back.  

"Do we have a t-shirt or something in here that I can give away?"  

"Sure, grab what you need."  Taron is sitting with his feet up on the sound board, kicked back holding his baby on his chest.  

I take a t-shirt and a few CDs that I get my hands on, signing them before opening the door.  The blonde seems happy with my compromise.  I've never done a search to see what everyone was saying when I left.  I don't want to know, but if I keep making appearances with the guys, I'm going to have to do some research.  I can't be surprised every time I'm approached with something like this.

I'm about to close the door when I see a guy walking up to me outside.  He extends his hand for a handshake and I realize it must be Zander.

"I'm here to meet the guys of Rebel Walking.  You're Luke, right?"  His hair is all over his fucking head.  It looks like he's never brushed it in his life.  His body is covered in black clothes and this mother fucker is wearing skinny jeans.  

"Yeah, the guys are in here."

"It's great to have you back, man.  It's an honor to meet you."  I don't return his greeting, but lead him into the room where the guys are congregated.

"Z!  I'm glad you decided to come check us out.  Z, this is Talon, Luke, and Holden."  I sit down on the couch and watch them all talk about how Taron met him at a concert and wait to see what this guy is all about.

Taron places a guitar in his hands and starts one of the recordings of our most popular song, without the bass section.  He kicks in and begins to follow our rhythm and I feel the itch to correct a few of his additions.  It's not the same; not that it's terrible, he's just messing with the original and it's not setting well with me.

"If you're going to improvise, you need to make it worthwhile.  We have the music written how we want it to be."  I find myself standing in front of him before I have the chance to think twice about what I'm doing.

"I don't mean any disrespect, but I'll always play what I'm feeling.  If that's an issue, then I'm not the right guy for the job."  He steps closer, challenging me face to face.  

I step closer and territorial vibes begin to flow through me as I try to reel in the anger I'm feeling about all of this.  I have not right to be angry.  I have no right to hate the way he plays.  I have no right to question who they decide to bring in here.  

Then why do I feel like I do?  Because the fuck if I'm going to let him just feel some bullshit and change the shit I worked so god damned hard to perfect with Lilly.

"Then you can set that fucking guitar down and walk."  I feel hands on my shoulders as I lean in closer to this idiot.  

"Luke.  Calm down.  I asked him to show us his talents.  Talents include playing without music.  I want him to show us what he's got."

"If you want to see what he's got, then fucking give me a guitar.  If he can't keep up with someone who hasn't played in six months, he needs to walk the fuck out of here."

Taron gives me a stupid ass grin and starts some music.  I hand Zander a new guitar and pull mine off the wall.  I stroke the strings a few times, getting the feel of it all again as the intro plays.  I notice Taron hitting the sound board and Talon takes a seat at the drums.  

My focus is this 'Z' fucker as Black Sabbath begins to echo through the studio.  'Paranoid' is fast paced and such a classic that I have no problem leading the way.  Talon's drum's kick in and we rock through the entire song, not pausing before 'Iron Man' begins to play.  Taron keeps the music coming, letting Ozzy sing while we battle it out.  

I hate to say it but this fucker is keeping up.  I need something more challenging.  'Hail to the King' kicks in by Avenged Sevenfold and I start to finally feel the adrenaline that I've missed so long.  Zander sits the guitar down and picks up the bass guitar, joining in to complement me instead of competing with me.

'This Means War' starts next and I literally get chills when Taron joins us.  His new gritty sound is badass and a few ideas for new lyrics begin to form in my head as I play on.  

We play for a few hours, never pausing.  I'm drenched in sweat when the last note plays through the studio.  Holden has now moved to the couch, along with everyone in the studio.  I don't know everyone, but right now I'm just loving the feel of my heart racing.  

"Let's do 'Critical Acclaim'."  I start playing before the rest of them have the chance to, but they all file in and before long, we sound perfect.  I watch Zander, looking for mistakes, but he has no idea I'm watching.  He's lost in his music, just like a true musician.

We end and I have to give him props.  He fits in well with Rebel Walking.  I love how I feel right now, and maybe a hard session did me some good.  

"Fuck, that was amazing."  Taron slaps me on the back and then follows on Zander.