Never Stopped Loving You (17 page)

The group was opening the back door. He had seconds left and that’s probably all he’d get for the rest of the day until tonight. If he was lucky. “Are you coming to the house after leaving here?”

She bit at her lip and turned away. “I don’t know.”

“Kara. Just go with it.”

“I can’t just go with it, Wade.” She blinked up at him, her eyes wet around the edges and probably not from the smoke off the grill. “Last night wasn’t supposed to happen at all and I need time to figure out how to go from here so I don’t do something stupid.”

“You won’t.”

“When it comes to you, I usually end up stupid.”

Chapter Twenty

Kara couldn’t lie, not even to herself. It was hard driving to her mother’s dark and lonely house when there was so much warmth, love and everything at Chester Farms. But her mother’s house was where she needed to be.

It wasn’t like arriving early this morning after leaving Wade’s bed when the sun had been edging on the horizon. Now it was dark and quiet. Would be for several more hours. Well, sort of quiet. The air conditioner did have the courtesy to kick on and give a friendly groaning hello. And the quiet wasn’t completely horrible because she’d take quiet over her mother’s low mutterings any day.

After spending last night in Wade’s warm house, this cold house sucked.

Kara stepped through the small front and flipped on lights as she moved through the house, lighting the whole place up to chase away any shadows that might try to appear as her mom’s junk.

She flipped on every last light but one. She stood in the hall and faced the last room in the house she hadn’t been in yet. The living room. It had been one of her mom’s favorite places, where she’d sit for hours and watch her wedding video. Rewind. Play it again. This was the room that was junked out first. Anything Mom saw that she even remotely thought Dad would like, she would put by his chair.

A skateboard because he had one when he was five.

Fishing baits.

Gift cards for every occasion she thought they had together.

His favorite kind of cups.

Packages and packages of those nasty chocolate-dipped marshmallows.

Kara reached in and hit the switch. Whitney had put a bulb in here for her and the room brightened. She stumbled back a step at the empty space. A single chair remained in the corner. Her father’s chair. Mom had lain on the couch and been pillowed by a variety of dirty clothes and trash while she was glued to the TV. But Dad’s chair had been off-limits. Like the hall, the tile floors had a coat of dust and Whitney’s footprints from putting in the bulb. The shelves along the wall were empty except for a few knickknacks and that one bowl.

Her heart crumbled. And that ugly bowl of Mom’s was on the middle of the shelf, to the left of the TV, still sitting there. Kara walked closer to it and reached up, but she pulled her hands back. That bowl had sat there since she was a girl. Dad made it for Mom in ceramics in high school and Kara had never been allowed to touch it, but she’d wanted to.

At least back then. That bowl was her dad’s and it was treasured more than anything in her mom’s life. Kara had wanted to be the damn bowl that was such an object of Mom’s affection. What a waste. She stepped away from it and hit the button on the TV. The chair was the only option, so she sat on the edge and tapped her thighs. The hope she’d somehow fit in this room died an instant later. Her shoulders lowered with disappointing weight.

The house may be brighter and cleaner now. The TV may add a little noise, but it was still her mother’s house. And it wasn’t Chester Farms. Never would be. That had been the point of coming here after the boys finished the swing set, after all. If she screwed up with Wade, this lonely, cold house, that offered only the darkest of memories, would be all she had.

It was a sobering thought and the fastest way to get her head back on straight. Being in Wade’s arms last night was unreal. He was so strong and held her so tightly. It was what she’d wanted for so long and she hadn’t been able to stop the silent tears she’d shed against his blanket. Not tears of joy for finally having it.

But tears of depressing realization. Now she had to choose between a chance with Wade that could end in disaster and her alone again. Or have a real home again with an ache in her chest every time she saw Wade and knew not to try.

She flipped through the few TV channels the rabbit ears managed to pick up. She pulled her knees to her chest and rested her chin on them.

The obvious answer was to put her faith in Wade. There was something there. And as she’d learned in hindsight, he wouldn’t kick her to the curb and turn his back on her. But there were still so many other factors. Things like awkwardness to the point she wasn’t sure she’d even want to be at Chester Farms while he was there.

And what if he grew tired of her and broke things off while she silently pined for him all over again? God, that would be awful. She had been gone a long time and a lot of things could change in that time. A lot.

Bottom line was, taking a chance with Wade had far too many risks than playing it safe and keeping him at arm’s length. When she came here, she’d planned to play it safe. She picked at the edge of the recliner knowing what she had to do. Pull away from him before she got in too deep. Last night was a onetime thing. Had to be. It was good. Satisfying. And that was it.

Her eyes widened, heart stopped and mouth dried. Oh my God. Cold sweat dabbed over her brow. She was turning into her mother. She jumped out of the chair and shook clean down to her toes. Just sitting and thinking about a man. Her throat closed a little tighter.

Air seemed to be carrying mini razor blades rasping in and out of her throat. If she and Wade fell apart, was this what she would become? This shell of a person who moved around in baggy pajamas, mumbling about what could have been? No, she refused. Flat-out
refused.
She flipped off the TV for the radio and made her way through the kitchen.

There wasn’t too much in here beyond a few staples. Enough for her to realize she wouldn’t be baking tonight. She glanced back to the chair and knew she didn’t want to go there. Or her bedroom. Her heart pounded. Pulse throbbed in her head as she grabbed her keys and headed for the grocery store. She had to get out of there for at least a little bit.

In the car, she cranked the radio up and rounded the last few turns and pulled into the lot. It wasn’t busy; wasn’t slow either. She twisted her hands around the steering wheel and considered going back to Mom’s empty house. Was it worse to sit and think about a man or walk in and face God only knew what?

She bounced her heels against the floorboard. Part of her goal in being here was saving her reputation and trying to look like an average, normal good girl. What was more normal than shopping on a Friday night for some eggs and flour? She flipped the visor mirror down and checked her face for normal parts. Two eyes. Nose. Lips. Gang was all there. Her cheeks were a little red from being outside today, but that wasn’t the end of the world. She tipped her head back and was clear of any boogerwebs. Her hair had looked better, but it had also looked a heck of a lot worse. Normal, all the way around. No yelling lady here.

If only the grocery store was completely deserted. So far she hadn’t had to brave this place. Last time she was here, she’d listened to a couple women on the next aisle discuss how shameful she was. The store couldn’t be avoided forever. She’d only made it so far because she’d brought everything she’d needed with her when she came back home. Things like milk she’d grabbed from a small convenience store when her car demanded gas.

That supply was depleted. She glanced to the clock. Nine. Long way to go before she would get sleepy. Lot of time left to sit around and think about Wade and her life.

Holding her purse tight to her shoulder, she headed for the grocery store. The fluorescent lights seemed as harsh as she remembered. The buggies with the top of the carts were folded up and shoved together right by the entrance. Time again seemed to unpause as she grabbed at a hard plastic-covered handle and pulled a buggy out.

The metal clanged and clacked, surely louder than for anyone else, but a quick glance proved no one was around staring, so it must not have been too bad. She lowered the cart top and headed directly for the baking aisle. After all this time, she wasn’t surprised to find it all in the same spot. From what she could remember, even the same brands. A grocery store worker maneuvered around an end cap, pulling a large cart of items to restock the shelves. He even wore the same uniform.

It was just surreal. Crazy. Only the addition of a few new items on the shelves kept her from believing she had stepped back in time.

She loaded up on flour, sugar and the other basics. Not trusting anything in her mother’s kitchen, she got everything down to baking powder and even some food coloring. She’d been making so many jams, and then the rum cake and pound cake for Whitney the other night, it was time for something a little more. Maybe some cupcakes with thick, sweet buttercream frosting.

She grit her teeth, knowing she’d need a mixer, too, as her good one was at Chester House. She started toward the rows with a few supplies when a shadow draped over her. She should have worn a ball cap to disguise herself. And a mustache.

She glanced up, pushing the smile on her mouth as she came face-to-face with John. Definitely should have taken time to put on a mustache. “John. Hi. What a surprise.”

His smile was as kind and broad as ever as he came to stand by her side. “Missed seeing you the past few days. Where you been?”

“Just busy with a little of this and that.” Dreaming about Wade’s bed. Sleeping in Wade’s bed. Convincing herself she wasn’t regretting Wade’s bed. All very normal things for a person who wasn’t falling for Wade, of course. She grabbed some salt off the edge of a shelf and pushed her buggy down the aisle toward the milk and eggs around the corner.

“I expected to see you in the bar again.”

“Why?” After all these years, was he the same person? Had everyone in this place but her, Wade and Whitney been on pause? Sure she was expecting the nasty looks like she’d gotten in the ice cream parlor. And sure, she figured sooner or later, someone would possibly confront her on it. But really, John thought that after everything she was going to return and leap right back into her old life? The one she’d left in the middle of the night to run away from?

He gave a careless shrug. “We used to hang out there a lot.”

She pushed the buggy around the end cap, wishing he would go away. It was hard to be offended when she’d hit the bar pretty regular back when she was eighteen, but did he not even realize why she’d left? She twisted her sweating hands around the buggy. Coming into this grocery store, or any store for that matter, was a real test to her nerves. Seeing the two women by the chicken lean over and whisper while they looked at her was excruciating. Was it about her or the expiration date on the packaging? That right there pissed her off harder than anything else. “The bar scene really isn’t my thing anymore.”

She swallowed and performed the fastest speed walk on record and grabbed a gallon of milk and two dozen eggs. And right there at the yogurt was freaking Ashley and Jeannie. They wasted no time in leaning over to whisper while looking at Kara and John. No debating what that was about and in probably two-point-five seconds, they’d have Maddy on the phone. John stepped down a couple feet and grabbed butter.

Ashley’s nose lifted. “Did you finally pull your claws out of the Chesters?”

Kara grit her teeth and turned away.

She didn’t make it far before John was back. And he kept following. “What is your thing now? Bowling alley? Movies?”

“Work.”

“Surely there is more than working, Kara.”

“Not much.” She walked down for cheese and butter too. If she bought the entire store out, could that pass her through for, like, two months so she wouldn’t have to come back?

“Then let’s find you something. I’ll take you. Putt-putt golf?”

She turned and faced him. She wouldn’t make a scene, but she had to end this. “John, I just got back home. It’s going to take me a while to settle in and get comfortable. I’m not interested in anything taking up my nights for now. I only want to work.”

He kept on smiling. “Right. Sorry, Kara. I forgot you just moved back. With all the work you’ve been doing, you probably haven’t even had time to unpack. I can grab us a pizza and I’ll be happy to help you.”

“That’s nice of you, but I need some quiet time right now.” She looked up to push onward and walked right past Mrs. Marabel. As in Maddy’s mother. She pushed her buggy for a mixer before she forgot. Great, just great. Why couldn’t she have passed her five minutes ago when John was nowhere around? No, of course not. With Kara’s luck it had to be when John was all but standing on top of her.

There were two mixers to pick from. Neither was a stand, not that she could have afforded one, but neither was really of the quality she needed. She wanted some damn cupcakes, though, so she grabbed the mixer with the bigger motor and headed for the produce.

So close to being done.

She pushed the buggy forward, moved around the banana stand and stopped as another buggy approached. And, dear God, there was Sue. Kara’s throat shut off completely and wouldn’t let a sound out. She stared, couldn’t help but notice the mark across her forehead. The one her mother had left.

Sue took a step back. Then another.

Kara opened her mouth and finally found her voice. “Sue, wait!”

Sue stopped.

“I...I’m sorry.”

Sue glanced around, grabbed a bunch of bananas, spun around and headed for a different aisle.

Kara started a step toward her, but stopped. What was she going to do, chase the woman down? Give her more of a reason to be afraid? Kara grabbed some apples and oranges. Anything else in here she could get from Chester House and you’d have to stab her eyes out before she’d risk grabbing a tub of strawberries and having anyone ask why she didn’t get them from the farm. She could hear it now.
The Chesters must have finally broke off their friendship with Kara Duncan!
Kara was shopping with John and buying strawberries!
You know she wouldn’t have bought from the store if she was still friends with the Chesters.
Thank God they finally smartened up.

She turned her buggy around, surprised to see John still standing there. “I’m all done.”

He held up a loaf of bread and peanut butter. “Me too.”

Fantastic. She slapped that same smile back on her face and pushed her buggy to the front of the store and pulled in a line, with John right behind her. She turned and smiled at him. “Why don’t you go ahead of me. You just have the two items.”