Never Too Late (18 page)

“Clare, I don't care,” he said. “I haven't asked you for anything. I haven't asked you to make me promises. I know better than that.”

“You have to listen to me. I'm not asking you to slow down—I'm saying we're going to end this here and now, before it drags out any longer. What started as a friendship has clearly grown more serious for you. But it hasn't for me. I don't want this to get any more involved, only to have it end bitterly.”

Sam reached out a hand, touching her knee. “Clare,” he said softly, earnestly. “You responded to me. When I put my hands on you, you come alive.”

She shook her head sadly, laughing without humor. “Only a dead woman wouldn't respond to you, Sam. I think you might be the sexiest man I've ever known. And having you want me has been fun. Flattering.” She
shrugged again. “But I don't want to lead you on. I'm not in love with you.”

“Clare,” he said, a hint of desperation in his voice, “shouldn't we just give it a chance? We've had a good time together, I couldn't have mistaken that. Neither of us has any other commitments, so there's no harm in—”

“But there is harm in it, Sam. You're not the kind of guy who can just have a fling and walk away unscathed. It would hurt. And I'm really not that kind of woman, either. I can't go any further. I'm sorry.”

“When did you decide this, Clare? Because Friday night we were close to consummating this relationship. I wanted to, you wanted to—”

“And it would have been a terrible mistake.”

He stood up, walked a few feet away and turned his back on her. She watched as he took a few short sips from his glass and let some time pass, sought composure. Clare realized this was so very different from anything she'd ever done in her life. It wasn't as though they had some crushing disagreement or betrayal, as had happened with Roger. Painful as it was to leave her husband, this somehow hurt more, for Sam had done nothing wrong. He'd been sincere, caring and sensitive. What woman wouldn't want his vitality and passion for her own?

When he came back to the blanket, kneeling, she could see that his eyes were moist and it tore at her heart. “Are you absolutely sure, Clare? Because I think you know—I'm falling in love with you.”

“I suspected that, and it frightens me. This is hard enough, Sam. I don't want it to get any harder.”

“But if I can respect your space and give you the time you need—?”

“You would become more invested and I, less. I know what I feel, Sam. And what I don't.”

He shook his head and gave a huff of rueful laughter, then tossed the rest of his wine on the grass. He put the glass in the basket and looked at her, his hands in fists on his thighs. “It was going to be today, you know. Right here, under this beautiful old tree. I was going to give you a glass of wine and make love to you. I was going to do things for you that no one has ever done. Make you beg for more. I wanted to tell you, finally, that the worst day of your life was the best day of mine. The day I found you and almost lost you, all in just a few minutes. I don't think I've ever felt this way about a woman before.”

She felt the tears on her cheeks and wiped them away. “You are entitled to so much more, Sam. A younger woman, for one thing. Someone who's as passionate as you are. A woman who could add to your family, if you wanted that.”

“I don't need that,” he protested. “You've had that cheating husband all those years—and I would have given you love you could trust. One that would be true.”

“I never doubted that. But you know I have to share that desire for it to work.”

He swallowed, glanced away, looked back at her. “Tell me one thing, and please don't lie to me. Is it Pete? Pete Rayburn?”

“What?” she said, confused.

“There was something going on yesterday, when I found you with him at the park. I could sense it.”

“Oh,” she said, letting out her breath. “Yes, there was something going on. We were talking about old times, just as he said. One of the old times was his brother's death. Mike was Pete's older brother. We shared a devastating loss.”

“I didn't know.”

“Of course not. It never occurred to me to mention it, but then I didn't know you two knew each other.” Sam stared at the ground. “I never meant to hurt you, Sam. You must believe that.”

He raised his eyes. “I never meant to fall in love with you. Some things, it seems, are beyond our control.” He stood. “We better get out of here. I don't think there's going to be a picnic.” He held out his hand to help her to her feet.

“Will you be all right?” she asked.

“I'll live,” he said, giving her a wan smile. “Kiss me, Clare. Kiss me goodbye.”

“I don't think that's such a good—”

“It's all I'm asking. When I think about this day, I want to remember one nice thing.” He pulled her into his arms and covered her mouth with his. At that moment she knew she had done absolutely the right thing. She felt his lips, as skilled and passionate as ever; she felt that familiar temptation. But nothing else. Then she felt his tears on her cheeks and her heart was ripped to pieces.

He pulled away and ducked his head, so that she wouldn't see. He stooped to collect the basket and blanket and as he walked to the car, he swiped impatiently at his eyes. “Let's go,” he called. “No point in making this any harder.”

She caught up with him and before he could get in the car, she grabbed the sleeve of his shirt and turned him toward her. “Sam, there's someone out there for you. Someone wonderful and devoted whose passion for you will match yours for her. I promise you.”

He gave a dubious little laugh. “That's the last thing on my mind.”

 

Clare didn't know where to go. She was in no shape for work and rather than go into the store and tell her dad she was taking off for the day, she just retrieved her car and called him from there. Finally, at a loss for what to do, she went to Maggie's office, hoping her sister would be there alone.

The minute she got into Maggie's plush office and closed the door, she burst into tears. “What in the world…?”

“Maggie, it was horrible. I broke his heart.”

For a small, trim woman, Maggie exuded power. It was probably a lawyer thing. She was a rock, and seemed fearless. “Stop crying!” she demanded. But that only made Clare cry harder. Maggie tossed the box of tissue at her and said, “Stop crying and tell me what happened.”

“He took me on a picnic in a deserted little park. He had big ideas of what would happen on that blanket—and instead I told him that I couldn't see him anymore, that I just don't have those kind of feelings for him.”

Maggie was almost knocked back in her chair and she said, “I don't know how you could not.”

“Well, what can I say?” Clare sniffed. “It's true—I responded to him. I had plenty of lust. I just didn't have love in my heart.”

“Hell, I responded to him. I don't think that proves anything.”

“He was planning to tell me that the day he met me was the best day of his life.”

“And you couldn't just…? You didn't have to make a commitment to him, did you?” Maggie shook her head. “Women. Couldn't you have enjoyed him for a time? While you're getting back on your emotional feet?”

“And then, after using him for a while, tell him to hit the road? Oh, Maggie—”

“All right, all right.” Maggie relented. “It was a kind thing you did for him, Clare. He's twenty-nine. He has lots of time for meaningful relationships.”

“I should have been kinder faster,” she said, and blew her nose heartily.

Maggie got out of her chair and walked around to Clare, leaning a hip on the desk. One of her least favorite things was weeping women. She, herself, never cried. She couldn't remember the last time. But being a lawyer and handling the occasional divorce put her in the company of tearful women fairly often. “I'm going to say something to you, and you'd better hear me. You did
nothing
wrong. Women date men. They flirt, respond to flirting, experiment with their emotions to determine whether they have the chemistry to go further. Women and men have sex, often before they know whether there's enough substance for the relationship to go the distance. There's no possible way to find the right person without exploring these things. If you don't take the risk, you chance the other extreme, which is closing yourself off, and that makes less sense than a good old-fashioned cry, when and if it has to be ended. I'm proud of you for doing what you know to be the right thing. So don't beat yourself up for not doing it sooner.”

“He was shattered. It was the most painful thing I've ever seen. Done.”

“Well, who knew? It might've worked. It was worth giving it a shot. But generally we say at least six months of autonomy between relationships. That whole rebound thing is not fiction.”

“I just wish there was something I could do to make this easier on him,” Clare said.

“As it happens, there probably is,” Maggie said. “If you've made up your mind, which apparently you have, make it a clean break. Don't play around with this. If he calls or drops by, be kind but firm—it's time to move on. He'll be better off. And so will you.”

“He asked me to kiss him goodbye. I could feel the dampness on his cheeks,” she added with a miserable hiccup.

“God, he is such a
hunk,
” Maggie said. “Not only the big, tough, good-looking guy, but sensitive. How is he single? There must be something wrong with him!”

“It might have to do with being a single father. And living with his mother.”

“He lives with his
mother?
”

“His mother helps him raise his daughter. It's probably just a practical thing.”

“Still, that must impact his sex life in a very negative way.”

“You're sure this wasn't my fault?”

“Absolutely not. If it doesn't fly, it doesn't fly. You can't force these things.”

“Is it what you would have done?”

“Me?” Maggie asked. “Oh hell no! I would have had tons of meaningless sex!”

 

Maggie called Sarah. “We might have a bit of a problem here. She did it. Clare broke it off with Sam.”

“She did?” Sarah asked, trying to keep the hopefulness from her voice. “Is she okay?”

“She's pretty messed up, actually. But not because she has regrets. Because she said he was very upset. And
last Saturday, none the wiser, I called him and invited him to her surprise birthday party in two weeks.”

“You didn't tell me you were doing that.”

“Sorry, I didn't think of it. I asked Jason for some names of friends he thought she'd like to have come and he came up with a few, including Sam. Should I call him, tell him not to come?”

“Well, that would be pretty rude,” she said.

“I advised Clare to make a clean break. This is no way to do that.”

“Maggie, if he's upset and doesn't want to see her, he won't come.”

“And if he does?” Maggie asked.

“Well,” Sarah said, “I trust him to be polite.”

And I want him there, Sarah thought. I want to see how he is, how he looks at Clare. At me. Let's see what he's got.

 

Throughout the week, Clare was often caught completely lost in thought. She missed things said to her at the store and at home in the evenings she would find that while she stared at the TV, she couldn't remember much of the program she'd been watching.

She had kept her eye on the front door of the hardware store, expecting Sam to walk in for sprinkler heads, but he didn't. She checked her cell phone for messages, afraid there might be one and all those painful feelings visited on Monday might come rushing back. He didn't call.

Clare was glad of this, of course. Except that she was worried about him. It was possible he'd shrugged it off and already found himself some young babe, more his type. More likely, he was suffering and hurt. That whole
thing about the clean break was hard to commit to—faced with his pain, she would be tempted to take him in her arms, hold him, tell him it would be all right. That it was better this way.

She prayed he wouldn't put her to the test.

Sam wasn't the only man who occupied her thoughts. In a far different way, she thought a lot about what Pete had told her. She tried to remember the past in a new way, looking back through the years for a time she might've known her buddy, her pal, was harboring this secret crush. She just couldn't see it.

When Mike had graduated and began taking classes in Reno, Pete and Clare were together constantly. It was like Pete was protecting Mike's interests. For the first time she wondered why he hadn't had a girlfriend. He had dates, but nothing seemed to click for him. Why had she never noticed? They talked about everything—why hadn't they talked about that?